SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Grace and Jack are eating popcorn watching TV while Will tries to sweep around them with a Dust buster.)
GRACE: (Yelling at Will) Hey, Hazel! Hey! (Will turns off the vacuum.) Keep it down. We're trying to watch "Oz" on HBO Olé.
JACK: Prison love is so much hotter in Spanish. His manacles are saying, "no," but his eyes are saying, "si, si, si!"
WILL: Grace, you've got popcorn all over your lap!
GRACE: Will, you don't have to-- (Will turns on the vacuum and begins running it all over her lap) Whoa, whoa! (Laughs) Oh, oh, oh! (Will turns off the vacuum.)
JACK: I spilled some, too. (Jack drops some popcorn in his lap. Jack and Grace giggle.)
WILL: All right, now! Now, no more TV till you clean your room. (Will turns off the TV)
GRACE: You're a mean mom.
WILL: Look, Alison and Bob are staying here this weekend, and I'd just like to hide the fact that we live like rats in a bowling alley. (Grace retreats to her room to clean.)
JACK: Ugh. Not Alison and Bob. I hate Alison and Bob. Do I know Alison and Bob?
WILL: Alison's my cousin from L.A. She and her husband are gonna get married here in New York, so they're flying in to plan the wedding.
JACK: Ok. So, let me get this gay... you have people coming over and they're staying here?
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: Yet when I have people come over, they can't stay here?
WILL: Right.
JACK: Am I crazy? Is any of this making sense to anyone? Anyone?
WILL: It's simple, Jack. My people are responsible and respectful, whereas your people have been known to pee in the corner.
JACK: I'm sorry. Unlike your thighs, that argument doesn't retain water. So now, here's your chance to make it up to me. I have an aunt and uncle coming into town. I'd put them up, but they're not attractive. Can they stay here?
WILL: Like you even have to ask. Of course not.
JACK: You know what? I am sick of this! I don't know why I stay in this abusive relationship. (Jack stomps to the door and opens it. Bob is standing there with a small suitcase.)
JACK: (To Bob, snippy) Oh, well, you must be Alison. (Blows raspberry to Will) Pbbt! (Jack storms out and slams the door.)
BOB: (To Will) What was that?
WILL: His mother accidentally dropped him on his head when he was a baby... and then again on purpose last week.
BOB: Oh, ok. Hey. How are you, buddy?
WILL: Good to see you. (Will and Bob hug.) I've haven't seen you in so long. God, we have so much to catch up on.
BOB: You still a lawyer?
WILL: Yeah. You still an agent?
BOB: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah. (Awkward pause) And we're caught up. Let me get you a beer. Where's Alison?
BOB: Oh, Ally can't fly for a couple days. Ear infection. Got it from the cat. "Look, honey, Radford's licking my ear." Ha. Next thing you know, that ear is so full of pus that it's--
WILL: Oh, pus, good. Got it. Yeah, so you'll be-- You'll be planning the whole thing by yourself?
BOB: Yeah, I registered for the gifts. Oh. Yeah. I'm really excited. I'm so screwed. I'm clueless without her. I need a woman to help me.
WILL: Well, I'm pretty busy, but I can--
BOB: No, I meant a woman with, you know, woman parts.
WILL: Right.
BOB: Yeah. Alison has taste and class and style. Where am I gonna find a woman like that? (Grace enters from her bedroom.)
GRACE: Holy crap! I just found a huge ball of hair and dust under my night stand. It was like pulling out my own head. (Will and Bob look at Grace, smiling.)
GRACE: (Confused) What?
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is showing Jack a card trick.)
KAREN: Is this your card? (Holds up a card)
JACK: No.
KAREN: Is this your card? (Holds up another card)
JACK: No.
KAREN: Is this your card? (Holds up another card)
JACK: No.
KAREN: Is this your card? (Holds up another card)
JACK: No.
KAREN: Is this your card? (Holds up another card)
JACK: I can't remember.
KAREN: Ta da!
JACK: That is so freaky, Karen. How did you do that?
KAREN: Oh, sorry, honey. A magician-- like a prostitute-- never reveals her tricks.
JACK: Karen, take me to lunch. I'm in the mood for a Cobb salad with a side of thousand-dollar shopping.
KAREN: Can't. Will's coming over. He's got something for me to sign.
JACK: (Annoyed) Oh! Will! Do not say that name. I am furious with him. Furious, I tell you!
KAREN: Why?
JACK: I can sum it up in one word-- He doesn't respect me.
KAREN: Ooh, I've got a nice idea. Why don't we be cold and bitchy to him? You know, like I was to the losers on the playground when I was a kid... and yesterday at Olivia's kick ball game.
JACK: That's brill. We'll freeze Will out. God, Karen, sometimes I love you so much I could conk you over the head with a coconut and drag you into my fireplace!
KAREN: Oh, honey... you're gonna make me pretend to cry. That's so sweet. (Will enters, carrying his briefcase.)
WILL: Ladies.
JACK: (Folding his arms and turning his back to Will) Hmm!
KAREN: (Folding her arms and turning her back) Hmm! (Will opens his briefcase. He pulls out a book and sits it on Karen's desk, then pulls out some papers and sets them down.)
WILL: Ok. Karen, here's that paperwork we talked about. It prevents your house staff from making any legal claims against you for mistreatment. So, as long as God's looking the other way, we should be fine.
KAREN: (Loudly to Jack, standing next to her) Oh, Jack, could you come here for a moment? (Jack pretends to open a door and makes footstep noises as he 'walks' to Karen. Jack and Karen pretend to whisper to each other.)
WILL: What are you doing?
JACK: Excuse me, we're talking! (Jack and Karen pretend to whisper to each other. To Karen) I hear all of Will's ties are made out of boogers.
KAREN: (To Jack) I hear he got a boredom woody during study hall. (Jack and Karen laugh.)
WILL: Oh, I get it. You're bitchy school girls trying to snub me. If only there was some way I could turn my pain into grim determination and become a wildly successful lawyer, while the two bitchy girls grow up to become two bitchy women.
JACK: Hmm. Someone's got a big vocabulary, and a little dictionary.
WILL: (To Karen) Just give me a signature. The sooner you get that over with, the sooner you two Heathers can get back to your heathering.
KAREN: Hey! Listen! Don't you tell me what to do! Or I will rip you a new-- hold on a second. (Karen notices Will's book.) You're reading The Marriage of Equals?! So am I.
WILL: (Surprised) You're reading The Marriage of Equals?
KAREN: Yes, honey, I love this book! Look, I can't put it down. (Karen holds up her copy of the book.)
WILL: Me, neither!
JACK: (Folding his arms and turning his back) Hmm!
WILL: You know, I have been dying to talk to somebody about this book.
KAREN: Oh. Me, too. You know, I was gonna have my staff read it, but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom.
WILL: You know, that is so something Diane would say.
KAREN: Oh, my--! (Will and Karen laugh.)
WILL: Look, I gotta go, but, you know, if you ever want to get together and talk about the book, you just call me.
KAREN: You know, honey, I think I will.
WILL: Ok.
JACK: (Folding his arms and turning his back) Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!
WILL: (To Karen) I think your poodle needs to piddle.
SCENE III: A department store
(Grace is helping Bob select the gifts for the wedding registry. Bob has a UPC barcode scanner gun.)
GRACE: Ok, here we go. Why don't we start with something simple, like wine glasses. Come on, Bob.
BOB: Ok.
GRACE: You just--just trust your instincts, ok? You know what Alison likes. You cannot make a mistake.
BOB: (Sighs) I kind of like this set-- (Aims the scanning gun at the glass.)
GRACE: (Groaning) Ooh.
BOB: What?
GRACE: Uh, nothing.
BOB: Ok. Oh, maybe this one's better-- (Grace whistles and shakes her head.) I can't do it. Take this. Take it. This is exactly why Alison doesn't like me. (Bob gives Grace the scanning gun.)
GRACE: Ok, but these are your gifts. If there is anything that you do not like, you just-- you say it, ok? Ok. Ok. Now. Now, see, I-- I think these are nice. What do you think?
BOB: Yeah. Sure.
GRACE: Ok. Great, see? (Grace points the gun and pulls the trigger. It beeps. Startled, but excited) Oh! Oh! That's good. Ok, um, and-- and you need some salad plates, 'cause they're the perfect size for Cinnabuns. (Grace scans four plates: Beep Beep Beep Beep!)
BOB: Ok.
GRACE: Oh, serving plates? Such a scam. No one ever uses them. You need 6. (Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep! grace and bob laugh) Ok. Ok. Oh! Ok. (Grace walks over to the kitchen appliances.) Toaster (Beep), roaster (Beep), coaster (Beep), shmo-ster (Beep). Ok, I'm not delusional. I know it's a blender. I just had a thing going. (Grace notices a handsome man) Ooh. (Grace points the gun at him: Beep!) Wrap him up. I'll take him to go. (Grace blows the end of the gun.)
SCENE IV: The appartment hallway
(Karen exits the elevator, her nose buried in her book. Will exits his apartment carrying a bag of garbage, his nose buried in his book.)
KAREN: (While reading her book) Hey, Will. Hey, Grace.
WILL: Karen... this isn't Grace. This is a bag of garbage.
KAREN: Oh, silly me. How could I make that mistake... twice.
WILL: Hey, so where are you in the book?
KAREN: Oh! Diane just found out about Mark's affair.
WILL: Wait till you find out who it's with.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I know who it's with!
WILL: You think you do, but you don't.
KAREN: It's not--
WILL: Uh-uh.
KAREN: Is it--
WILL: Maybe.
KAREN: Oh! You little book tease. No, but listen, though. I really have to ask you something. I did not understand the part where Diane blacked out in the middle of an argument, and woke up spooning her maid.
WILL: What--? She didn't, you did.
KAREN: Yeah, that makes more sense.
WILL: Hey... listen, you want to come in? I could open up a bottle of wine, talk about the book.
KAREN: Honey, that's a nice idea. Thank you. I'm coming down, anyway, so it'll make for a nice, soft landing. (Jack exits his apartment.)
JACK: Oh, hey, Kare. Come on, let's go. (To Will) We're gonna go to Bea Arthur's one-woman show and yell out "Maude!"
KAREN: Oh. Right.
WILL: (To Karen) That's ok. We'll do it another time.
KAREN: (To Will) Oh, but honey, I'm dying to find out about Diane and Mark.
WILL: It is so great. At one point in the argument, I mean, you're totally on Diane's side. And then it turns, and you find yourself completely sympathizing with Mark. It's exactly the way I felt about the Meg Ryan/Dennis Quaid relationship. (Karen nods.)
JACK: God, are you guys still talking about that stupid book? I swear, the way you go on about it, you'd think it had pictures of naked men frolicking. Ha ha ha ha. (Seriously) Does it? (The elevator dings and the doors open.) All right, I knew it was stupid. Come on, Karen, let's go. We're gonna be late. (Jack enters the elevator.)
KAREN: Honey, honey, honey. I'm gonna take a rain check, ok? I just really need to find out about this one part.
JACK: But I don't want to go the show alone.
WILL: Well, uh, here, take Grace. (Jack throws the bag of garbage to Will as the elevator doors close.)
SCENE V: Will's apartment
(Grace and Bob are going over the wedding arrangements.)
GRACE: (Reading a checklist) Ok, invitations? Done. Flowers? Done. And I've narrowed it down to two bands-- either a Kool and the Gang tribute band or Kool and the Gang. Now, about the cake?
BOB: Yeah. Can we go back to the flowers just for a second?
GRACE: Why?
BOB: I just wasn't sure about the calla lilies.
GRACE: I am.
BOB: Ok.
GRACE: Ok, now, the cake. I have samples from six bakeries.
BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is there ice cream cake?
GRACE: Yeah. We're gonna have it right under the piñata. What is this, your 10th birthday? No, no. You are going to love these. Ok, here we go. (Grace AND Bob sit down on the couch. There are two forks and six pieces of cake on the coffee table. Grace picks up both forks. Bob reaches for a fork, but Grace keeps both. She begins eating the cakes with both forks.) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
BOB: Oh, are they good?
GRACE: Oh, fantastic. Oh! (Grace holds up a piece of cake towards Bob. He leans forward to take a bite, but she eats it.) Oh! Oh, my God. (Grace takes a bite she doesn't like) Oh, carrot cake. Boo. (Will enters.) Oh, hello, Will. Perfect timing. I'm picking out my cake!
WILL: Slow down there, Augustus Gloop. You don't want to get sucked up into the pipe.
GRACE: Sorry. (To Bob) I say we go for the chocolate.
BOB: Oh, wait. Alison's allergic to chocolate.
GRACE: They can make her a fruit plate. Oh, that is so good. All right, I need milk. (Grace jumps up and runs into the kitchen.)
WILL: (To Bob) You, uh... you ok there, Bob?
BOB: Oh, yeah, yeah. Grace is amazing. Although she can get a little scary. Heh heh. Don't tell her I said that.
WILL: Yeah, just hold on-- hold on a sec. (Will walks to the kitchen. Grace is drinking the milk straight from the carton.)
GRACE: What? I'm gonna finish it.
WILL: You having fun planning the wedding?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: You're doing a great job.
GRACE: Thanks.
WILL: It's gonna be a lot easier when Alison gets here.
GRACE: Who?
WILL: That's what I thought.
SCENE VI: Barnes and Noble book store
(Will and Karen arrive to meet the author of their book, Rita Pigeon.)
WILL: I know it's just a book signing, but I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to wear. I must have changed my shirt, like, 8 times. I guess I just want her to like me. I don't know why. (Karen is looking behind the books on the shelf.)
WILL: What are you doing?
KAREN: Oh, I can't remember which one of these I put the booze behind.
WILL: Karen, this isn't your home, this is--
KAREN: Oh, here we go. (Karen pulls a bottle of booze out from behind a book and puts it into her purse.)
WILL: Ahh, yes. Right here in self help.
RITA: Hi, everybody. I'm Rita Pigeon. (Everyone in the book store, including Will and Karen, sits down in the chairs and applauds.) Thank you. And thank you for coming out today and supporting my book. I hope you all appreciate the irony of my title, The Marriage of Equals. My editor didn't think it would sell as well if I used my original title, Women Are Just Better.
KAREN: She's funny.
RITA: Now, before I read, are there any questions?
KAREN: Honey, I want to ask one. (Karen holds up her hand.)
RITA: Ok. (Karen stands up.)
KAREN: (Clears her throat) Hi, my name is Anastasia Beaverhausen. Tell me, did you intend the reader to have an erotic reaction to the grizzly murder of the well-muscled handyman?
RITA: Did you have one?
KAREN: I had 3.
RITA: Then yes.
KAREN: Ok.
RITA: (To a man in the audience) Uh, sir, you had a question? (Jack enters.)
JACK: Karen, what are you doing here? (Karen sighs) We had important plans to go get bikini waxes.
KAREN: Poodle, not now.
JACK: Yes, now! I've been steaming my genitals all day. (To the man next to Karen) It cuts down the irritation on my wenis. (Laughs) Hee hee.
JACK: Come on, let's go. (Jack pulls Karen up out of her chair)
WILL: She wants to stay. (Will pulls Karen back down into her seat.)
JACK: She wants to go. (Jack pulls Karen up)
WILL: She wants to stay. (Will pulls Karen back)
JACK: She wants to go. (Jack pulls Karen up)
WILL: She wants to stay. (Will pulls Karen back)
KAREN: Now, go faster and talk dirty. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
WILL: (To Jack) Shh!
JACK: (To Will) What? Oh, suddenly, you know what's best for her? What, you couldn't go find a real person to hang out with, so you get Karen?
KAREN: (Squeaks) Ah!
RITA: (To Jack) I'm sorry, sir, do you have a question?
JACK: Yes, sir, I have a question. Why does your book tear people apart?
RITA: I don't think it does.
JACK: I think it does. (Yelling) Maude!
RITA: Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis.
JACK: Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French. Because of your book, my two friends have formed this sick little club... and I've tried everything to get back with them. I even came this close to reading the damn thing! So tell me, sir, how many more people's lives do you intend to ruin with your-- with your writing and your poorly selected jacket photo?
WILL: Jack--
JACK: It's too late! (Jack storms out of the bookstore.)
SCENE VII: The bridal shop
(Grace enters the shop, talking to Bob on her cell phone. There is a clerk waiting at the counter.)
GRACE: (Into the phone) Hey, Bob, it's me. I'm at the bridal shop. Where are you? Really? What are you doing? No. No morning coats. No. No ascots. No. No tails. Ok, sweetie? You pick out whatever you want, as long as it rhymes with regular tuxedo. Ok. Bye.
GRACE: (To the clerk) Hi. I am here to pick up a veil--Alison Polette.
CLERK: Here you go. They really did a lovely job. (The clerk hands Grace the veil.)
GRACE: Yeah, they did.
CLERK: Want to try it on with the dress? (The clerk gives Grace the wedding dress.)
GRACE: Oh, I--I couldn't. That wouldn't be right. I'm not even the-- Where's the dressing room?
CLERK: Right back there. (Grace goes into the back room. There are three brides trying on their dresses.)
GRACE: Oh, hi. Hi.
MONA: Hi. Um, I'm Mona, and-- and this is Lucy. And we're not sure what her name is. She got her jaw wired shut so she could fit into her dress.
MUTE BRIDE: (Waving) Hmm!
GRACE: Um, uh, so where do I, uh--
MONA: Oh, oh. You go behind the screen.
GRACE: Oh. Ok. (Grace moves back behind the dressing screen and begins changing.)
LUCY: So, when's the wedding?
GRACE: Oh, August 10th. His mother's birthday. And maybe we'll cut the umbilical cord on that day, too.
MUTE BRIDE: (Laughing) Hmm hmm hmm!
SCENE VIII: The apartment hallway
(Will and Karen exit the elevator and walk towards Will's door.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, I don't know what we're gonna do about Jack.
WILL: What are you talking about? He's a grown man. (Karen sighs.) He's just gonna have to accept the fact that we're friends.
KAREN: (Giggling) A ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
WILL: What?
KAREN: (Laughing) Honey, you called us friends. (Laughing) A ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
WILL: Well, we are friends.
KAREN: Oh! Oh. Oh, that's rich. Come on! A friend is someone you gossip about and make out with when your husband's in the hospital. We just read the same book.
WILL: What do you we were-- we were hanging out, having fun. You showed me your boobs.
KAREN: Honey, I show everyone my boobs. Ok? I showed Ed Koch my boobs at Starbucks the other day. Back off, desperado! (Karen pushes the elevator button. Jack opens the door to his apartment and peeks out. Will and Karen do not notice.)
WILL: Well, maybe you were too boozed out to notice, but we had a relationship going!
KAREN: Save it, lady. I wouldn't be friends with you if you were the last woman on earth!
WILL: Why am I even trying to be friends with you, anyway? No matter how many uppers you take, you're still a downer.
WILL: Bitch!
KAREN: Witch!
WILL: Ho!
KAREN: Mo! (The elevator doors close and Will goes into his apartment and slams the door. Jack does a little dance into the hallway.)
JACK: (Whispering) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Jack moonwalks backwards back into his apartment, slamming the door. The elevator doors open as Will peeks out of his apartment. He smiles at Karen and she smiles back and waves as the doors close.)
SCENE IX: The bridal shop
(Will and his cousin Alison enter. Alison is talking really loudly.)
ALISON: (Loudly) Will, thanks for bringing me down here! I know I missed out on everything, but at least I can get fitted for my wedding dress!
WILL: Yeah. You're talking really loudly. I think your ears are still plugged.
ALISON: (Loudly) What?! (A woman in a wedding dress walks by. Very loudly) Oh, my god! That dress makes her look like a cow!
WILL: Ok, now you're-- now--now you're screaming. Everybody can hear you. Uh, let me handle this. (To the clerk) We're here to pick up a veil for Alison Polette.
CLERK: Oh, Alison's here already. She's trying on a dress.
WILL: Oh, jeez.
ALISON: (Loudly) There's cheese here? (Will walks up to the dressing room.) Uh, Grace, are you in there? I hope you're not doing-- (Will enters the back room. Grace is alone, in Alison's wedding dress, looking in the mirror.) --anything crazy.
GRACE: Hi. What do you think?
WILL: You look beautiful.
GRACE: Really? I think it needs to be taken in.
WILL: Yeah. Honey, I think maybe you need to be taken in. Sweetie, look-- Look at me. You're not getting married.
GRACE: I know. I'm never gonna wear one of these things, am I?
WILL: Sweetie. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman, and somewhere out--
GRACE: Don't give me the stock, best friend response. Be honest. This may never happen for me.
WILL: You know what? It--It may not.
GRACE: Thank you for telling me the truth.
WILL: You're welcome.
GRACE: Damn, that was harsh. (Grace smacks Will's chest.) What were you thinking?
WILL: What? But-- You just ask me to--
GRACE: I don't care. You know me better than that. The next time I ask you to tell me the truth, you give me the stock best friend response.
WILL: Ok. You're beautiful, you're gonna meet a doctor tomorrow, and you'll be married by the weekend.
GRACE: Thank you.
ALISON: (Entering) Hi! You must be Grace. I'm Alison.
GRACE: Hi.
ALISON: Hi. Thank you so much for everything. Bob's pretty useless, isn't he? Is that my dress?
GRACE: Uh, yeah, I'm taking this right off--
ALISON: You know, it's ok, it's ok. I get it. My older sister's single. I'll wait outside. (Alison exits.)
WILL: So, are you gonna take that off willingly, or do I have to rip it off you like a Benny Hill sketch?
GRACE: Just two more minutes?
WILL: Oh, sweetie... No.
GRACE: Thanks. (Will hugs Grace. Grace tries to look back at herself in the mirror, but Will turns her head away.)
