SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will is sitting at the table reading when Grace carrying a business suit. She shows Will the suit, holding it up to her body.)
GRACE: Ok. What does this say to you?
WILL: It says... this is our busiest night at Fuddruckers; I can't seat you without a reservation.
GRACE: Come on! It's my first day teaching that design seminar. You know, at The New School? I wanna look nice.
WILL: So, do you think you're gonna sleep with any of your students?
GRACE: Will, it's interior design. The whole class is gonna be nothing but women and gay guys.
WILL: So, you'll give it your best shot. (Grace exits back to her room.)
JACK: (Entering) Good morning, Will. My word, you're stunning. (Gasps loudly) That was you taking my breath away.
WILL: Then how come I can tell you had tuna for breakfast?
JACK: Looks like somebody's sense of humor's had a tune-up. A-heh heh heh! Um, I'm here to help you help me help you help me. (Quickly) Help you help me help you.
WILL: Ok, ok, ok, stop it... before I help you help me hurt you.
JACK: Ok, here's the scoop, Jackson. Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend. All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory. So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday. Please just say yes, I promise I won't ask for anything else again!
WILL: Ok.
JACK: Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!
WILL: Hey, lord of the ring dings, I said I'd do it.
JACK: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't listening. Heh…
WILL: It will be fun. Elliot and I never get to spend any time together. Nice to have the opportunity to get to know him a little before your genetics take over, and he turns into a screeching howler monkey.
JACK: (Screeching) You know what?! (Screeching unintelligibly)
SCENE II: New School University
(Grace is alone in the classroom preparing for her class. She has written her name on the chalkboard: Ms. Grace Adler. Interior Designer. She thinks for a second and adds Professor above it with a flourish, so that it now reads Professor Ms. Grace Adler. Karen runs in.)
KAREN: (Entering) Hi, honey. Sorry, I'm late. Where should I take my clothes off?
GRACE: Karen, you can't take your clothes off. This is a classroom, not a park.
KAREN: Honey, don't you remember? You asked me to be your T and A. (Chuckles)
GRACE: T. A. Teacher's... Assistant.
KAREN: Oh! (Laughs) Well, that makes more sense. So, where should I take my clothes off?
STUDENT #1: Hello?
GRACE: Hi! Hi! Come on in! Welcome.
KAREN: Oh, Lord. There's a lot of gay guy-straight girl couples. It's like a hologram of your past relationships. That's nice.
GRACE: Hello, everyone. I'm Professor Ms. Grace Adler. And I would like to welcome you to Introduction to Interior Design by Professor Ms. Grace Adler. Ha ha ha! Over the next 3 days, you will hear about a fast-paced world of upscale clients, magazine covers, and 6-figure commissions. But first, in order to truly understand contemporary interior design one must go back a bit. Back to 3,000 B.C…
SCENE III: The basketball tournament, a school in Connecticut
(Will and Elliot arrive at the tournament.)
ELLIOT: Will, thanks a lot for doing this. I know this isn't exactly your thing.
WILL: Hey, it's not like I'm new to the world of sports. You know what? When I was 11, I begged my dad to buy me this pastry bag with an assortment of rosette tips so I could bake a poodle cake for my friend Jenny's confirmation. And he, uh... he sent me to a sports camp to butch me up. Let me tell you something, my baseball diamond cakes? Very big hit.
ELLIOT: Huh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hear that's how Derek Jeter got started. I'll go sign us in.
KEN: Hey. I'm, uh, Ken. Uh, Scott's father. You must be Elliot's dad.
WILL: Actually, no, I'm his dad's best friend. I'm Will Truman.
KEN: Oh, hi.
WILL: Hi.
KEN: Got any kids of your own, Will?
WILL: Not yet.
KEN: That's probably why you look so rested.
WILL: (Laughs) No, that's just a good moisturizing routine and a nighttime gel mask.
KEN: What are you, gay, Will? Heh!
WILL: Yep. Heh heh heh! Member since 1985. Yeah, if I hang on for one more year, I get triple miles.
KEN: Wow. I've never met a gay guy before.
WILL: Really?
KEN: Yeah.
WILL: Well, statistically, if you haven't met one, then you must be one. Ha ha ha!
KEN: Ha ha-- (Stops laughing, nervous) I'll see you around. (Ken walks away. Elliot's friend Nancy comes up to him.)
NANCY: Hey, Elliot.
ELLIOT: Oh, hey, Nancy. How was practice?
NANCY: Good. Lindsay threw up bacon on the foul line and then her mom yelled at her because they're kosher.
ELLIOT: Cool. (Nervous pause.)
NANCY: Um, well, I gotta go to the girls' room. (Nancy walks away; Will walks up to Elliot.)
WILL: Is that your girlfriend?
ELLIOT: Shut up.
WILL: Sorry, it just looked like she was into you.
ELLIOT: Yeah, whatever. Really?
WILL: Oh, yeah. I had girls throw me that look a few times when I was your age.
ELLIOT: What, when you were making those cakes?
WILL: Look, I may not have won any basketball games, but when there was an art fair, my hand-painted linens kicked ass!
SCENE IV: New School University
(Grace is teaching the class as Karen sits with the students. Everyone is bored.)
GRACE: Note the use of interior space in this limestone mastaba located in a tomb near Giza and built during the reign of Ramses II. That's right, boys and girls, he was not just a condom, he was a pharaoh.
STUDENT #1: Excuse me.
GRACE: Oh! A question. Excellent.
STUDENT #1: I saw P. Diddy's house on "MTV Cribs". Do you know who did that?
STUDENT #2: Um, I heard that Michael Jackson has a sleigh bed made entirely out of bones. Is that true?
GRACE: Ok, whoa, girls. Slow down. We're not even at the Trojan War yet. And again, not just a condom, a war.
KAREN: (To the girl sitting next to her) Mastaba. (Smiles)
GRACE: All right. Why don't we take a 5-minute break so you can stretch your legs, get some coffee, guess how old your teacher is. 26.
KAREN: (Coughing) Liar.
GRACE: When we return, we will talk a little bit about interior design after the birth of Jesus. Let's not forget, Jesus was a carpenter, a carpenter who probably answered to an interior designer. Something to think about on your break!
(Cut to later.)
GRACE: Is three hours too long for a 5-minute break?
SCENE V: The basketball tournament
(Will is in the Recreation Room, playing with the foosball table. He's moving the men around as if they were dancing while singing the Can-Can.)
WILL: (Singing) Ba ba bop-up ba ba ba ba bop-up, bup bup bup bup, ba ba bop-up ba ba ba... (Ken enters the room, along with two other guys, Alan and Tim.)
KEN: There he is. Hey, Will.
WILL: Hey! Hey. It's, um, Ken, isn't it?
KEN: Yeah, yeah. Uh, this is Will. Uh, the guy I was telling you about.
TIM: Oh, so you're the gay guy.
WILL: Yeah. Why, are you the torch-wielding villagers?
KEN: Go ahead.
ALAN: No.
KEN: Go ahead, go ahead. Alan wants to ask you something.
ALAN: No, I don't wanna ask him. You ask him.
KEN: Oh, come on, don't be a f-- Just go.
ALAN: Well, you know, I--I was thinking, you know, I--I always imagine that since you're all guys and everything and--and there's no one there to say no, that, uh... you must be, like, doing it constantly, right?
WILL: Oh... well, actually, I probably have sex no more than you guys.
KEN: Oh, I thought there'd be more.
TIM: Why be gay?
ALAN: That’s disappointing.
KEN: Yeah. It's just...
ALAN: Oh, you know, you're thinking, with the dancing and everything...
KEN: And the music... (The guys wander off and Elliot comes in.)
ELLIOT: Hey, Will, can I talk to you?
WILL: Sure, buddy. What's up?
ELLIOT: Um, well, Nancy and I were talking, and I was telling her about my band, and then all of a sudden she stopped talking. And I thought that she thought I was a dork, because, you know, I don't have a band? And then, before I knew it, we just-- we just sorta... kissed.
WILL: Elliot, your first kiss! This is a big deal!
ELLIOT: Dude! Chill out! Yeah, it's just, I--I don't know what this means, you know? I-i-is Nancy my girlfriend? Do I-- Do I have to start, like, paying for her food and telling her she's pretty all the time?
WILL: If that makes her your girlfriend, Jack and I should be engaged by now.
ELLIOT: Yeah, but, you know, I don't--I don't wanna mess this up. What if she stops liking me?
WILL: Look, if Nancy's anything like me, and most little Nancys are... she's just as nervous as you are. So, take your time. You'll be fine.
ELLIOT: Really?
WILL: Yeah.
ELLIOT: (Exhales) Thanks, Will. You know what, I--I guess I'm also kind of nervous about the big game tomorrow.
WILL: Oh, yeah. Well... you could--you could do what I do, but... I don't know where we're gonna find cake flour and shortening around here. (Jack enters with a backpack, two suitcases, and a hat box. He walks up to the check-in desk.)
JACK: (To the check-in clerk) Hi. Jack McFarland. I believe my reservation's under Vin Diesel. And if I'm not under Vin Diesel, any cute guy will do. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! (Will hears Jack and walks up to the check-in desk.)
WILL: Hey. I wasn't expecting you until tonight.
JACK: (Sighs) Well, we were doing inventory, and Dorleen let me off early because she said I have the attention span of a-- that is a fantastic blue! We are sharing that! Come on, take it off.
WILL: I'm not taking it off.
JACK: Oh, just for a second. (Jack begins pulling at Will's shirt.)
WILL: I'm not taking it off!
JACK: It's gonna be mine anyway! Just take it off! Mine!
KEN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (Ken, Alan, and Tim break up Will and Jack.) Will, is everything all right here? Is this guy giving you trouble because you're gay?
ALAN: (While poking Jack's chest) You better learn a little tolerance, buddy!
JACK: Ow! (To Will) He tapped me pointedly.
WILL: It's ok, guys. This is a friend of mine.
KEN: Oh. Ohh! (To Alan) He's the wife.
TIM: We'll leave you two alone.
ALAN: You got yourself a real looker there. (Ken, Alan, and Tim leave Jack alone.)
JACK: What was that about?
WILL: I don't know. I think I'm their gay mascot. Hey, listen, so... Elliot had his first kiss!
JACK: He what?!
WILL: Yeah. You know, he was a little worried about it, but it's ok. I talked him through, and he's fine.
JACK: You what?
WILL: I helped him. I gave him advice, and I was pretty good.
JACK: Advice! You d-- Oh! Oh-h-h-h-h-h No! No! You do not give him advice. That is my job, I'm the father! What were you thinking?
WILL: Jack!
JACK: Don't Jack me! You've crossed the line here, Will. I'm done with you. You hear me? Done! (Jack struggles to pick up the suitcases and hatbox. He has trouble picking up the hatbox and keeps kicking it. To the check-in clerk) A little help here? I'm trying to storm off. Get the hatbox! Let's go!
SCENE VI: Will's apartment
(Grace opens the door for Karen.)
KAREN: Hi, what's going on? What's happening? What's the emergency?
GRACE: I think I'm in trouble.
KAREN: (Gasps) Well, you came to the right place. Here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna change your name, get you a new face, and ship you out of the country. Here's your passport. (Karen pulls a passport out of her pocket and gives it to Grace.)
GRACE: (Reading the passport) "Rosario Salazar." This is your maid's.
KAREN: She don't need it. She ain't going anywhere. (Grace gives the passport back to Karen.)
GRACE: Ok, ok, ok. Look, Karen, I--I--I ran into some ex-students at the coffee shop, and the only way that I could lure them back to class was to promise them a tour of a celebrity apartment.
KAREN: Oh… Mm-hmm...
GRACE: So, I need you to hook me up with one of your famous friends.
KAREN: (Laughing) Sweet Grace! Now, I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way 'cause you know I love you, yeah! But, um... the reason that they're my friends is because I don't introduce them to people like you. Ok, I gotta go. (Grace steps in front of the door.)
GRACE: You're not going anywhere.
KAREN: Wh--! Oh! B--!
GRACE: Look, you, you are the worst assistant on the planet. There are chimp assistants in the Congo who are better than you. Because of you, my phones don't get answered, my faxes don't get faxed, I'm constantly getting mail for Grane Adloaf, but I put up with it, and you know why?
KAREN: Because I'm pretty?
GRACE: No, because you're connected. You know everyone. That is all you do, and you are going to do that for me now. I'm calling in my chit.
KAREN: Grace! Language! (Karen steps to go around Grace, who moves in front to block her.) Honey, I'm not liking this visit. (Karen steps to go around Grace, who moves in front to block her.) Honey, look, a cupcake! (Karen tries to fake Grace out, but she runs right into her.)
GRACE: I could do this forever, Karen. Just think about it. You could be stuck in this apartment for years.
KAREN: But I--I can't think of anyone!
GRACE: Have I ever shown you the view of New Jersey from my bedroom window?
KAREN: Oh, Katie Couric! I'll get you Katie Couric!
GRACE: Hmm. Katie. Not bad. Everyone's seen the interior of her colon, but no one's seen the interior of her apartment.
SCENE VII: The basketball tournament, gymnasium
(Elliot is on the court playing. The stands are full. Jack is watching the game as Will makes his way to the seat next to Jack.)
WILL: (To Jack) Excuse me, is this seat taken?
JACK: Uh, does it look like it's being taken?
WILL: No.
JACK: Well, it is. By my righteous anger. (The spectators stand up and cheer, then sit down. Will and Jack stand belatedly and cheer unenthusiastically.)
WILL: Whoo.
JACK: Ooh. (Will and Jack sit down.)
WILL: Jack--
JACK: Go away!
WILL: You can't still be angry at this. Look, I got you a big foam finger. Now all you need is a big foam prostate.
JACK: (Stifles a laugh) Leave me alone! Moment stealer! That's your new Indian name. Moment stealer. Live with it! (The crowd stands up and cheers, then sits down. Will and Jack stand belatedly and cheer unenthusiastically.) Go team.
WILL: Whoo. (Will and Jack sit down.) Come on, he's a kid. You'll have other moments. You'll have hundreds of moments. His first hickey, his first fender-bender, and, if he truly is your kid, his first restraining order from Britney Spears.
JACK: Don't give me that. I'm mad at you. You have robbed me, and I'll never get it back. (The crowd stands up and groans: Aw!) Thank you! (Everyone begins to leave. The dad sitting next to Jack stands up.)
DAD: (To Jack) While you two were running your mouths, your kid blew an easy lay-up with no time left.
JACK: Talk English, man!
DAD: He lost the game.
JACK: I think your kid lost the game!
DAD: No, he didn't.
JACK: You wanna take this outside?!
DAD: Yeah!
JACK: Then go outside! And could you throw this away for me? Thank you. I promise I'll be out. I promise. I'm going. I'll meet you out there. Be right there. (The dad exits the gym. Elliot is standing on the court alone, looking dejected.)
WILL: Poor Elliot. He looks kind of miserable.
JACK: Yeah. Poor kid. I gotta split.
WILL: Hey... Wait! What are you talking about? Isn't this what you wanted? A moment?
JACK: Well, I wanted a good moment, not this one. This one sucks. You take it.
WILL: Jack!
JACK: Come on! I don't know anything about this! About basketball, about scorn from a crowd full of men with farmer tans.
WILL: Well, maybe not, but Elliot is feeling like a failure right now, and you know more about failure than any man I know.
JACK: You're just saying that.
WILL: No, I mean it, Jack. You're a huge failure. But you're also his father, and you love him, and right now that's what he needs.
JACK: Maybe you're right.
WILL: You know what else? I'm a little jealous of that.
JACK: Wow, Will. Thank you for admitting you're jealous of me. It must be quite a load off to finally say it out loud. (Jack kisses his index finger and touches it to Will's nose, then moves to comfort Elliot.)
SCENE IV: New School University
(Grace and the students are waiting for Karen.)
GRACE: Ok. I just want you to know how gratifying it is that you all came back.
STUDENT #1: Well, we kind of just wanted to go to the famous person's house.
GRACE: How 'bout just giving me that one, huh? How 'bout it, jerky?
KAREN: (Enters, singing) A bah da, bee ba tah…
GRACE: Hey. Ok, Karen, uh... the van's out front, so, uh... do you want us to follow you or...?
KAREN: Sure, honey, where are we going?
GRACE: (Mumbling) Katie Couric's house.
KAREN: (Mumbling) What are you saying?
GRACE: (Mumbling) To Katie Couric's house.
KAREN: (Mumbling) I don't understand.
GRACE: (Mumbling louder) To Katie Couric's.
KAREN: (Mumbling) Katie who?
GRACE: (Mumbling loudly) Katie Couric.
KAREN: Katie who?
GRACE: (Yelling) Katie Couric!
KAREN: Oh!
STUDENT #1: We're going to Katie Couric's house?
STUDENT #2: Oh, my god! I love her!
GRACE: Yes, yes! I mean, I wanted to keep it a surprise, but that's exactly where we're going. You're getting what you want, so, let's go! Ha ha ha!
KAREN: Honey, honey...
GRACE: Yeah.
KAREN: Um, I don't know Katie Couric. Hee hee hee! I don't know her.
GRACE: What? What? What?
KAREN: Nope, nope.
GRACE: I don't believe you! How could you lie about something like that?
KAREN: Honey, I had to get out of that apartment! You had murder in your eyes and spinach in your teeth! Besides, you're the one who lied about taking the students to a celebrity apartment.
STUDENT #1: Wait, you lied to us? There's no Katie? I'm outta here.
STUDENT #2: Me, too!
GRACE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't leave, ok? All right, look, look, look. Just give me another chance and I promise you will leave here inspired. And I'll buy some beer and my assistant will take her clothes off.
KAREN: Finally! Ha-a-a!
GRACE: So what do you say? Who wants to stay and... learn some stuff? (Everyone leaves, except for Karen.)
GRACE: Well, how about that? I'm the worst thing to happen to interior design since basketball players started making millions of dollars.
KAREN: Well, honey, what do you expect? Hey, it took me two years to fully realize how wonderful you are. How long you think it's gonna take a bunch of shallow, self-involved kids all hopped up on booze and goofballs?
GRACE: My guess, two years.
SCENE IX: The basketball tournament, gymnasium
(Jack and Elliot are talking. Will is standing off to the side when Ken, Alan, and Tim find him.)
ALAN: There he is.
KEN: Oh, hey, hey, Will, can we ask you something?
WILL: Ok, guys, guys, enough. Ok? It's very flattering, but I'm beginning to feel like a circus freak here. You know, we're-- we're all the same. We're just men. I'm a regular guy, just like you.
KEN: We were just going to ask if you wanted to grab a pizza with us.
WILL: Oh. Oh, I can't eat that. I'm off carbs this month, but there's a sweet little bistro downtown.
ALAN: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah, come on. Let's take a cab, though. It's raining and I'm wearing suede shoes.
KEN: They're nice. (Will, Ken, Alan, and Tim exit the gym.)
(Cut to Jack talking to Elliot.)
JACK: So, see, if happens to everyone.
ELLIOT: Really?
JACK: Yeah, I promise. Oh, wait. I got another one. So one time, I was doing my big finale, Send in the Clowns. I went out on that big stage and I got so nervous I threw up twice. But the next night, I went back out on that stage, I summoned up my courage, and I only threw up a little. In my mouth.
ELLIOT: Cool.
