SCENE I: A corner coffee shop
(A police officer is taking a statement from Will and Grace.)
WILL: Anyway, I turned around to pick up my order and when I looked back, my laptop was gone.
GRACE: It was so pretty. Titanium. It went with everything he has.
WILL: Hmm. It made me look thin and tall. It had all of my work on it, all of my memos, my briefs... all of my e-mail!
GRACE: Sweetie, calm down. It’s just a thing. No object is that important.
WILL: It had your DVD in it.
GRACE: Not Bring It On?!
WILL: So, what are you going to do? You think you're gonna find it?
OFFICER: Well, of course. We'll seal off all the bridges and tunnels. We'll scramble a couple of F16s out of McGuire.
HATCH: (Interrupting) Do you think this man finds you funny, Officer?
OFFICER: Detective Hatch. I-- I didn't realize you were here.
HATCH: Maybe I should leave so you can continue acting like a schmuck in front of two citizens from New York. Come on. Get out of here.
OFFICER: Yes, sir. (The police officer hands detective Hatch the clipboard and exits the cafe.)
HATCH: I apologize for the officer. He's picked up a little bit of an attitude since he's been a technical consultant on "NYPD Blue." I'm Detective Hatch.
WILL: Uh, Will Truman.
HATCH: What's the problem, Mr. Truman?
GRACE: I got him the wrong muffin.
WILL: Yeah. I wanted the chocolate chip muffin. She got me raisin.
HATCH: Why didn't you get him the chocolate chip, ma'am?
GRACE: Well, I-- It-- Ok, it was the only one left, and I wanted it! So I got Will the raisin and I bought the chocolate chip for myself, and I ate it in the ladies' room. Are you happy now?!
WILL: I don't believe you! I've been talking about a chocolate chip muffin since I woke up this morning!
GRACE: Oh, get a life, Will. It's a muffin! And it was good.
HATCH: Let's take it easy. Everybody's a little emotional here, what with the robbery and the muffin. Why don't you take it easy on your girlfriend?
WILL: Hey, she's not my girlfriend. Ok? My girlfriend wouldn't leave my laptop to eat a muffin in a bathroom stall! My girlfriend also wouldn't be a girl.
HATCH: Oh. Oh, I see. Well, I guess, uh-- I guess I got everything here. (Pointing to the clipboard) Is that your home number, Mr. Truman?
WILL: Yes. Look, is there anything I can do to help? Because I'll do it.
HATCH: Well, uh, we need more victims like you to get involved.
WILL: Hey, this victim is totally willing to get involved.
GRACE: That's exactly how his last personal ad read. (Chuckling) Heh heh... (Will glares at Grace.)
HATCH: All right, well, I'll be in touch, and, uh, ma'am, you might want to keep that purse closed.
GRACE: Oh, oh, right, because now this is a crime scene. (Grace zips up her purse.)
HATCH: No, because your friend might see that you got two other chocolate chip muffins in there. (Will glares at Grace.)
SCENE II: Will’s apartment
(Grace is at the table working on some designs. Jack has his feet kicked up on the table while reading a magazine.)
GRACE: Jack, move your bunny slippers. I'm trying to work on my presentation.
JACK: Not really my problem. I'm trying to take care of my needs here, all right? Just a little something I learned in gay group therapy.
GRACE: Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "four-gy" does not qualify as group therapy.
JACK: I'm talking about actual therapy. You know, at first I thought group would be a great way to meet guys. You know I love me some crazies. But as it turns out, I actually have a problem. Would you like to know what it is?
GRACE: Get out.
JACK: I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more! Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World.
GRACE: Hey, Jack world, how about you move your Jack feet before I kick your Jack ass?
JACK: Wow, you are toxic. I think you need a little gay group therapy. (Jack opens the door to exit as Karen enters.)
KAREN: Oh, hey, poodle.
JACK: Hi, Kare. I'd love to stay and fondle, but Grace's mood ring is a filthy brown today.
KAREN: (Disappointed) Ok. One for the road?
JACK: Ok. (Jack pinches Karen’s breast) Beep beep!
KAREN: Ha ha ha! (Jack exits.)
GRACE: Hey, Kare, did you bring me that sample I asked for?
KAREN: I sure did, honey. Here you go. (Karen holds up a specimen vial.)
GRACE: Please, God, tell me that's not your urine.
KAREN: Oh! Honey, of course it isn't. Ha ha ha ha! It's Rosario's. This puppy has gotten me out of more jail time than you'll ever know. Was that not right?
GRACE: Tile samples-- I needed you to bring my-- Ok. Ok. Ok, never mind. Did you take the pictures of those stools I-- Wait! Do not answer that. Do not show me anything.
VAL: (Entering) Knock knock. I thought it was rude to eavesdrop, so I just came in.
GRACE: Oh, hey-- Hey, Val.
KAREN: (Quietly to Grace) Isn't that the loon from upstairs that likes to beat you up?
GRACE: (Quietly) Yeah. Get rid of her. (Karen walks up to Val.)
KAREN: Ok. So, um, listen, Val... (Karen darts out of the apartment.)
VAL: I was just-- just bringing you your phone bill, 'cause they put it in my box. (Val holds up an envelope.)
GRACE: Ok, don't come any closer! The clump of hair that you ripped out... is just starting to grow back in.
VAL: Oh, come on, silly. I'm not like that anymore. You are looking at a totally new me.
GRACE: Why? You finally working as a team with the people in your head?
VAL: Well, kind of. Actually, I'm on this amazing new psychotropic drug. I mean, sure, I have no sex drive and I'm always dizzy, but I think I could be a really good friend. Here. (Val hands Grace the envelope.)
VAL: So what are you working on there, G-Dog?
GRACE: Um, it's a meditation room for this client I'm trying to land.
VAL: Wow. That's nifty. I'd sure love a room like that.
GRACE: I'm surprised the court hasn't ordered you to be in a room like that.
VAL: Very funny! (Val tickles Grace) Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle!
VAL: You're ticklish. See? You know what? I miss this! I miss this so much.
GRACE: Well, now, see, here's the deal. We could have this-- Uh-huh. If you were not this-- (Whistles 'coo-koo')
VAL: All right. Hey, can I take this? 'Cause some day you're gonna be really famous, and I can say that I knew you when.
GRACE: Sure, but you know, Val, I really do need to get back to work.
VAL: Oh, sure. Yeah, I just wanted to come and let you know that I'm doing a lot better. (Pointing to the cup) Is that your urine or mine?
SCENE III: Gay group therapy
(Dr. Foster is heading a group therapy session, including Jack and several other guys. Jack is holding a bag of Mini Jack-O's cookies.)
JACK: I confess. When I first started gay group therapy, I just thought it was a really great place to meet guys. But now as I look around the room and I see you all looking back at me, I realize... it's not such a great place to meet guys.
DR. FOSTER: Gavin, the last time you shared, you spoke about how your fear of rejection often leads you to make up elaborate stories in order to spend time with the men you find attractive. How's that going? ('Gavin' is revealed to be detective Gavin Hatch...)
GAVIN: Well, I'm doing it again, you know, and it's killing me. I--I met this really good-looking guy today at this coffee shop, and instead of asking him out, I offered to help him find his stolen laptop.
DR. FOSTER: Go on, Gavin.
GAVIN: Well, I don't know why I'm so shy with men. You know, maybe it's because I came out so late in my life, but, you know, why can't I just say, you know, "Hi, I'm Gavin. You want a cup of coffee? A chocolate chip muffin?" Nah, I'm a mess.
JACK: (To Gavin) Hmm, maybe a cookie will cheer you up, huh? Want a little cookie? Hmm? You know, I prefer the minis. The cream-to-cookie ratio is just so much better for me. You know? (Jack smiles at Gavin, with cookie crumbs in his teeth.)
GAVIN: Uh, uh... you got something in your teeth.
JACK: Whatever.
GAVIN: No, really. Just stop it. This really freaks me out. I got--I got a thing about this, ok? So--
JACK: Seriously? This freaks you out? (Jack has packed cookies into his mouth and in front of his teeth.)
GAVIN: Stop this now, all right? Just stop it! I told-- Stop! Doctor--
DR. FOSTER: Jack! You know Gavin has problems with food in teeth. Now kindly respect that.
JACK: (Rolling his eyes.) Sorry, Gavin. (Under his breath) Weirdo.
DR. FOSTER: Gavin, what do you think your next move should be with this guy?
GAVIN: Well, I like the guy. You know, I want to go out with him, and I think I should be totally honest. I think I should stop all these stories and just tell him the truth.
(Cut to Will's apartment building. Gavin hatch is at Will's apartment door.)
WILL: A gay laptop-theft ring? You gotta be kidding me!
GAVIN: No, I'm afraid so. It looks like you're the latest victim.
WILL: Why would they want gay people's computers?
GAVIN: Well, for one thing, you know, they're organized, very neat desktops, usually have a carrying case. You can dress it up or dress it down. Anyway, that's not the point. I've got a tip. I thought we could do some surveillance.
WILL: We?
GAVIN: Well, you said you wanted to get involved.
WILL: Yeah. No, I'd love to. I love police business.
GAVIN: You have terrific teeth-- Really clean. Uh, let's go undercover. Say, Saturday, eight-ish?
WILL: Great. Undercover, wow. Hey, do I get to wear a wire? Will we be in dark alleys with really wet streets? I'm not afraid. I'm just thinking about footwear.
GAVIN: I'm actually thinking of this hot gay club on 14th Street. You know, obvious target. Lots of laptop users there.
WILL: A club? You really think we're gonna find the perps there?
GAVIN: "Perps." That's very cute.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(Grace is showing some designs to a potential client, Vince, as Karen looks on.)
GRACE: And I think the meditation room will end up being your favorite room in the house.
VINCE: Oh, every room is my favorite now that my wife has left me.
GRACE: Well, let me paint a picture. Imagine yourself in an oasis of calm.
KAREN: A place where the world shuts down and the noise stops.
GRACE: (Surprised) Yes. Exactly. Your cares melt away as you step onto the heated stone floor.
KAREN: Mmm, a warmth envelops you from within.
GRACE: (Mouthing to Karen) Nice. (To Vince) You lose yourself as you listen to the soothing trickle of the Japanese rock fountain.
KAREN: Oh, which mingles harmoniously with the soothing trickle of the morphine drip. Around you, cabinets full of pills await your every mood. (To Grace) Your turn.
GRACE: (Quietly to Karen) Medi-ta-tion room, not medi-ca-tion room.
KAREN: You say "potato"...
GRACE: (To Vince) Anyway, I hope you're getting a sense of what I'm trying to do.
VINCE: Yeah, yeah, it's great. I'd go with it right now, but I promised another designer that I would hear her ideas, too. Maybe you know her? She works right next door.
GRACE: Next door? When did a designer move into the--
VAL: (Entering) Hey, neighbs. Vince? Whenever you're ready, and I have a great idea for a meditation room. (Val holds up Grace's drawing. Vince exits and heads to Val's office. To Grace) Who's crazy now, huh, Grace? You you you you you you you you!
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(Val has left with Vince, leaving Grace and Karen alone.)
GRACE: I hate her. I hate Val. I hate her. I hate Val, and I'm the kind of person who doesn't hate anyone!
KAREN: You hate your sister.
GRACE: Well, she's hateful! But besides her, I don't hate anyone.
KAREN: You hate your doorman.
GRACE: Well, he calls me "kiddo" and clicks. (Clicks her tongue) Besides my doorman and my sister, I don't hate anyone.
KAREN: You hate Teri Hatcher.
GRACE: Oh, who doesn't?! Ok, fine! So I hate a lot of people, but I hate Val more! She stole my ideas, then she has the audacity to come in here and ask to see my carpet samples?!
KAREN: (Disgusted) Oh, she was hitting on you?! Oh, God! Ssh!
GRACE: No, to use in her presentation and I told her no way is she borrowing my stuff. Over my dead body! (Val runs out from the swatch room carrying a bunch of supplies.)
VAL: I think there's somebody back there stealing stuff! (Val runs out the front door.)
GRACE: I'm gonna hit her so hard!
KAREN: Honey, no! (Karen grabs Grace.)
GRACE: Just one in the face. It's the only thing she responds to.
KAREN: No, no, no. Now come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Now listen to me! If there's anything I've learned from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi it's that if you do it in the morning, a couple hours later you're gonna want to do it again. Ha ha ha ha! You know what I’m talking about? But if there’s another thing I learned, it’s that violence is never the answer.
GRACE: You’re right. Of course, of course, you’re right. (Grace makes a break for the door and Karen stops her.)
KAREN: Oh ho! Come on, come on now!
SCENE VI: A 'hot gay club'
(Gavin and Will enter the club, both carrying laptop computers. Music is playing and there are men dancing.)
GAVIN: Now, the important thing is to blend in. Remember, we are two gay laptop users on a date. It's only a matter of time.
WILL: All right. Should I be wearing a bullet-proof vest? Or, considering this is a gay bar, a bullet-proof leather vest?
GAVIN: No, you look fine, Will. You're doing the right thing. If we had more people like you, we'd get some of that scum off the streets. Now, look at me like you love me.
WILL: What? Oh! Oh, I see. Because the-- Right. Ok, um... how's this? (Will stares deep into Gavin's eyes. Laughing) I'm sorry. It's just-- you--you looked like you were buying it.
GAVIN: Did I?
WILL: You know, I'm kinda surprised that anybody would bring their laptop to a bar.
GAVIN: Hold my hand. (Gavin holds out his hand.)
WILL: Sure. (Will grabs Gavin's hand) You know, but I guess gay people are more likely to come straight from the office with their laptops, have a few drinks, and that's when it happens.
GAVIN: That's a good observation. You'd make a hell of a cop-- Perceptive, intelligent. You got a set of eyes like two inviting pools of chocolate pudding. Well, we look for that on the force. ("Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott begins playing.)
WILL: Love this song. Got a good beat. I guess that would make us "good beat" cops.
GAVIN: You wanna dance?
WILL: Oh! Oh, so that way we leave the laptops unattended.
GAVIN: Yeah... Sure... Whatever... (Gavin and Will head to the dance floor and begin dancing.)
WILL: Hey, that guy looks suspicious. He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony.
GAVIN: You stay right where you are. I'm gonna try to get a better view. (Gavin moves around behind Will and looks down at his butt.) Oh, yeah. I can see a lot better from back here.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is at her desk flipping through a magazine. Grace is back in the swatch room.)
KAREN: (Singing to herself) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want-- (Grace enters from the swatch room.) Oh, hey, honey. How you doing?
GRACE: Great. I took all my anger towards Val and I put it entirely into my work. Well, maybe not entirely. I did make a crank call to Teri Hatcher. (Val enters with Vince.)
VAL: That's so funny, Vince!
VINCE: Hi, Grace.
VAL: Hey, G-Love.
VINCE: Listen, I ran into Val in the lobby, and she had an interesting idea to combine both of your presentations into the same meeting. What do you think, huh?
GRACE: Wow. Well, um, you know, I'm not really one to combine things. I mean, I can't even eat my peas if they're touching the meat, especially if the meat is crazy. But--but if it will save you time, then let's do it.
KAREN: Yeah, let's do it. (To Val) 'Cause this woman has more talent in her little-boy breasts than you have in your whole body.
GRACE: Ok, I have some sketches here for the living room.
VAL: I have some sketches, too, Vince, but unfortunately they're up here in the ol' kanoodle.
VINCE: Ok. Why don't we now hear some ideas for the bedroom?
GRACE: Ok. Well, first of all, I think what we need to do in here is to--
GRACE, WITH VAL REPEATING: Create an intimate feeling.
GRACE: And I thought--
GRACE, WITH VAL REPEATING: One way we could accomplish that is to upholster the walls with a lovely silk moiré.
GRACE, WITH VAL REPEATING: That will give the room a sense of luxury, and it will also absorb some of the sound.
GRACE, WITH VAL REPEATING: Your other option of course is to cover the walls with...
GRACE: (To Val) Stop it.
VAL: (To Grace) You stop it!
GRACE: You stop it! You're a nutjob!
VAL: You're a nutjob!
GRACE: You're a nutjob!
VAL: You're a nutjob!
GRACE: You're a nutjob! (Val begins smacking Grace's behind.)
VAL: You're a nutjob! (Karen finally has to pull them apart.)
KAREN: Ladies, ladies! Oh, ladies. Vince, I think these two ponies need to be hosed down. Come out in the hallway for a minute while I talk to them, ok?
VINCE: Yeah, sure.
KAREN: Thanks. (Vince goes out into the hallway, closing the door behind him.)
VAL: (To Grace) So what's the matter, Grace? You can't compete with another designer who actually has a little talent?!
GRACE: You stole my ideas, freak show!
VAL: Oh, puh-leaze! (Grace pushes Val.) You!
KAREN: Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come. Come. Come. No, no, no, no. Come on, ladies. Stop it! Stop it right now, both of you! Come here. Come here. Come here right now. Oh! Come here. Ok. Whoa. Now, listen to me! I'm ashamed of both of you. If there is one thing that I have learned from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi... is that violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is. (Karen chops val behind the neck) T'ai chi! (Val falls to the floor, unconscious.) Ha ha ha! Is she out? (Grace kicks Val.)
GRACE: She's out.
KAREN: Ok. Honey, you go get Vince. I'll get rid of the body. (Karen grabs Val's legs and begins dragging her into the swatch room as Grace goes to get Vince.)
SCENE VIII: The hot gay club
(Gavin and Will are dancing as Minnie Riperton's "Loving You" begins playing. Everyone begins to couple-up.)
WILL: Uh, should we maybe go-- (Will motions back to the table. Gavin grabs Will from behind.)
GAVIN: We should keep dancing. The number-one lesson when you're on a stakeout is never change your spot if it's good. (Gavin wraps his arm around Will from behind and begins swaying to the music.)
WILL: Ok.
(Cut to the bar. Jack is sitting next to guy at the bar, holding a drink, singing along to the song.)
JACK: (Singing) La la la la la. La la la la la. La la la la la la-la la la. A-doobie doobie do-doo…
GUY: Hey, that's annoying.
JACK: Hang on. Let me just get this out. (Singing high note) Ahhhhhhhh-- (Jack notices Will dancing with Gavin, and throws his drink onto the guy next to him. Shocked) Oh!
WILL: (To Gavin) Feel a little awkward. It's been a long time since I slow-danced... with a cop... Whose gun is poking me in the back.... I hope.
GAVIN: Sh-sh-sh-sh-shh.
WILL: Yeah, you know, actually I could use a drink.
GAVIN: Oh, yeah, I'll get you one, honey.
WILL: Did--did you-- Did you just call me "honey"?
GAVIN: Uh, cop talk. It's the way we talk at the precinct-- Honey, sweetie, Sarge. I'll get you a drink. (Gavin walks up to the bar to get a drink. Jack runs up to Will.)
JACK: Oh, my God! We need to talk. When were you gonna tell me you were dating freaky teeth guy?!
WILL: "Freaky teeth guy"?
JACK: You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. I'd help you, but it's not my problem. (Jack starts walking away, but Will grabs his arm.)
WILL: Tell me about freaky teeth guy.
SCENE IX: Will's apartment
(Gavin is sitting on the couch as Will digs through the refrigerator.)
WILL: Let's see. We got spinach dip, chives, poppy seed bagel, and chocolate chip cookies. I--
GAVIN: Uh, you got anything else?
WILL: Oh, I'll just bring it anyway in case we change our minds. (Will brings the tray of food and two beers to the couch and sits down with Gavin.) You know, detective, I--I have to confess. Um... at one point tonight when I was with you, I kind of forgot we were even looking for my laptop. I--I just felt like I was with you. You know what I mean?
GAVIN: I know what you mean. The Sarge at the precinct had an expression for it-- Chemistry.
WILL: Hmm. But you're not even gay. Guess I'm barking up the wrong tree. (Gavin takes Will's chin and turns Will's head towards himself.)
GAVIN: Woof. Woof!
WILL: You mean you're--
GAVIN: Yes, I am. (Will tears a bagel and dips it.) I'm not gonna lie about it anymore, because there's one thing-- Don't touch the dip.
WILL: Oh, I'm sorry. I just need to nosh when I'm nervous. Go on.
GAVIN: No, well, you know, the first time I saw you when this investigation began, I wasn't sure-- I'm not kidding about the dip.
WILL: Just--I just want a little bit. (Gavin grabs Will's arm.)
GAVIN: All right, Will. I want you to drop the bagel and step away from the dip.
WILL: Ok. Maybe just one cookie. (Will quickly pops a cookie into his mouth)
GAVIN: Why'd you do that?!
WILL: Problem, officer? (Will smiles, his teeth full of cookie.)
GAVIN: (Disgusted) Oh! (Gavin gets up and exits the apartment.)
WILL: What's the matter, detective? Afraid you'll see some food in my teeth? Just like you're afraid to ask guys out so you make up some crazy story in order to spend time with them?
GAVIN: Who told you that?
WILL: Let's just say I know a little bird who sang.
GAVIN: Who?! (Ding! The elevator opens and Jack exits, Still singing "Loving You.")
JACK: (Singing) La la la la la. La la la la la. La la la la la la-la la la… (Jack sees Gavin and turns back into the elevator. The doors close.)
WILL: There is no gay laptop ring, is there?
GAVIN: No.
WILL: And cops don't call each other "honey"?
GAVIN: No.
WILL: Or "sweetie"?
GAVIN: One does. Will, this is new to me. You know, it's really hard. I've never dated before.
WILL: Oh, please! You've already done the hard part. You came out. Now is when you're supposed to have a little fun. Don't do this to yourself. Just go and ask a guy out. The worst he can say is no. And even then you'll probably still get a little action. I mean, we are guys.
GAVIN: That's good advice, Will. Thank you. (The elevator doors open again and Gavin steps inside.)
WILL: (Leaning against the door frame) So, is there anything you want to ask me?
GAVIN: I don't think so, not with that crap on your teeth. Take care. (The elevator doors close in Will's face.)
