SCENE VIII: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom
(Later…)
KAREN: You know, I am very angry with you. I didn't say anything until now because we were busy consummating our marriage in the cloak room. You promised that we would walk down the aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil."
LYLE: I took an executive decision. You don't get to be president of a company that sells rat traps to breweries without being able to think on your feet.
KAREN: Lyle, that was very important to me.
LYLE: Let it go, woman. We're just about to have our first dance.
KAREN: I am not speaking to you.
LYLE: Just did.
KAREN: I mean from here on.
LYLE: Still doing it.
KAREN: Starting now.
LYLE: That counts.
KAREN: Agh!
[JACK IS ON THE STAGE.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am your host for this evening, Jack McFarland. Hello. And to honor those of you who have traveled so far from Great Britain to be with us here tonight, I'll be translating my remarks into English.
JACK: And now... for their first dance as husband and wife...
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] And now, for their first donce as husband and wife...
JACK: Please welcome to the fabulous Caesars ballroom...
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] Please welcome to the fabulous Caesars bollroom...
JACK: Mr. and Mrs. Lyle Finster.
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] Mr. and Mrs. Lordy-loo Bumbershoot.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS.]
LYLE: Darling, we're a hit.
KAREN: Don't you try to make nice with me. I am furious at you!
LYLE: I adore you.
KAREN: Don't change the subject.
LYLE: I could swim in your bosom for months.
KAREN: Keep talking.
LYLE: I could flop on your flesh for minutes.
KAREN: Oh, Lyle. How can I stay mad at you? Not when you repeat our wedding vows.
[LYLE AND KAREN BEGIN DANCING.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] At this point in the evening, we'd like to invite everybody else on to the dance floor, okay? Unless your thighs rub together when you walk. Then, you can sit tight for the cake.
[MARION WALKS UP TO LYLE AND KAREN.]
MARION: May I cut in?
KAREN: Oh, how lovely.
[MARION TAKES LYLES' ARMS AND LEADS HIM IN A DANCE, LEAVING KAREN STANDING ALONE.]
MARION: It's so touching that you're wearing Mother's suit on your wedding day.
[KAREN'S FRIEND AND RIVAL, BEVERLEY LESLIE, SAUNTERS UP TO KAREN.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well. Even at her own wedding, still sad and alone.
KAREN: Ah, Beverley Leslie. What a treat. I'm so glad I put you in the overhead compartment now.
BEVERLEY: [CHUCKLES] I am so sorry I missed the ceremony. But tell me this, darling, do they still say "'til death do us part" when the bride is a vampire?
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Darling, it's all right that you missed it. Probably just as well. There was some children there, and they get frightened when something your size isn't covered in Muppet fur.
BEVERLEY: Shall we dance?
KAREN: I'd love to. Hop on my feet.
[KAREN AND BEVERLEY BEGIN DANCING.]
[LEO IS STANDING AT THE BAR WHEN WILL WALKS IN LOOKING FOR HIM.]
WILL: [TO LEO] There you are. You just drop this bomb on me about kissing someone, then you walk away?
LEO: [NOTICING WILL'S CLOTHES] Did you have a costume change?
WILL: Well...yeah. It's the reception. Two different outfits. I also have a cashmere sweat suit for the casino and a silk robe for running to the ice machine.
LEO: Wow, is there any part of the stereotype you don't fit?
WILL: So what happened? Start talking.
LEO: Nothing, nothing happened. It was a kiss. I just feel really guilty about it.
WILL: 'Cause it was with guy?
LYLE: What?! No.
WILL: Oh. Sorry, it's just-- It's Grace. You know, I had to ask.
[JACK TAKES THE STAGE.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] And now the bride and grown would like you to join them in a sacred expression of their undying love. The Chicken Dance. Rosie, you like chicken. Why don't you lead?
ROSARIO: Okay, everybody, just do what I do. Hit it.
["THE CHICKEN DANCE" BEGINS PLAYING. ROSARIO, KAREN, BEVERLEY, AND EVERYONE ELSE BEGINS DANCING THE CHICKEN DANCE.]
[JACK NOTICES WILL AND LEO STANDING AT THE BAR. HE HURRIES OVER TO THEM.]
JACK: Will! Leo! How dare you sit out the Chicken Dance? There's nothing more insulting to a bride. Let's go.
[JACK DRAGS WILL AND LEO ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.]
[WILL AND LEO DO THE CHICKEN DANCE AS THEY TALK.]
WILL: So who is she?
LEO: She's no one. A volunteer with the Red Cross.
WILL: Oh, my God, I saw that on "ER." Go on.
LEO: We had this party on the last night and-- and we all got a little bit too drunk. We kissed. That's all.
WILL: That's all? Nothing else?
LEO: I swear, nothing.
WILL: Oh, good. I was gonna wear something totally different for the Chicken Dance.
KAREN: [TO BEVERLEY] Come on, get your arms up. It's the Chicken Dance. Not the Chicken McNugget Dance.
BEVERLEY: That damn maid of yours is going too fast!
MARION: Oh, Lyle, too bad our father isn't alive to see this.
LYLE: He isn't?
MARION: Oh, damn, I knew there was something I was supposed to tell you.
[THE SONG ENDS. KAREN TAKES THE STAGE.]
KAREN: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] Okay, everybody, wasn't that fun? Go back to your seats. Got a special treat for everyone. Shrimp cocktail.
ROSARIO: Oh, I love shrimp cocktail.
KAREN: You get cantaloupe.
[JACK WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
JACK: Karen, did you talk to Lyle about the music? Did you tell him you were pissed? 'Cause I'd be pissed.
KAREN: Yes, I told him how I felt. He invalidated those feelings. And then I washed down my rage with several vodka martinis and a pill I found on the floor. I'm fine. Why are you trying to make something of it?!
JACK: Oh, I didn't really care that much. I just wanted to have a dramatic moment with you.
KAREN: Well, now you've had it, haven't you?!
JACK: I guess I have.
[KAREN STOMPS AWAY FROM JACK.]
[WILL AND LEO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, TALKING.]
LEO: Anyway, that's why I've been all weird about seeing Grace. You know? I miss her so much. I just got all of this guilt. Don't let the Southern accent throw ya. There's a lotta Jew under here.
WILL: So you know what you have to do, don't you? You have to tell her.
LEO: I do? I was kinda hoping telling you was kinda the same thing.
WILL: Oh, it is, don't get me wrong. But you still have to do it.
LEO: Yeah, I know, I just wish there was a way I could soften the blow a little bit. How do you think it would look on a cake?
WILL: Ah, it wouldn't work. She eats faster than she can read.
LEO: She eats faster than she can run.
WILL: Look, she's gonna be mad at first, but then, she'll get past it. I mean, it was just a kiss, right?
LEO: Right.
WILL: Right. So don't worry about it. You'll make it through. You know, your relationship is strong. In fact, it's you two that give me hope that love can weather anything. Well, you and-- and Amy Brenneman.
LEO: Yeah, you were kinda bawling through that whole TV Guide piece.
WILL: The woman's a poet. I tell you, this is one gay man who will no longer be judging Amy. Now go call your wife.
LEO: Thanks, man. I'm really happy I married you and Grace.
[KAREN IS IN THE LOBBY FIXING HER MAKE-UP.]
[JENNIFER LOPEZ ENTERS THE LOBBY, FOLLOWED BY TWO MALE DANCERS. SHE WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
JENNIFER: [TO KAREN] Sorry, I'm late. Did I miss the Chicken Dance?
KAREN: Yeah, you did, honey. We just finished it. It was a good one too. Rosie led it.
JENNIFER: Damn it! [TO ONE OF HER DANCERS] You see, Ethan, if you wouldn't have made us wait 'til the end of Psychic Detectives.
ETHAN: You were watching it too.
JENNIFER: That's 'cause you got me hooked on it. Oh, with that one that dy kept seeing the red shoe, that freaked me out for a week.
KAREN: Okay. Listen, why don't you stretch your queens, and I'll introduce you in a minute?
JENNIFER: Come on, guys, limber up.
[JENNIFER AND THE TWO DANCERS BEGIN STRETCHING. JENNIFER SNIFFS FOR A SECOND AND STOPS.]
JENNIFER: Which one of you guys is not wearing Glow? What do you think? I put that stuff in your Christmas stocking for nothing?
[WILL RUNS INTO THE LOBBY, EXCITEDLY.]
WILL: Hi. Hi, there.
[WILL SHAKES JENNIFER'S HAND.]
WILL: I saw you here, and I totally wanna respect your privacy, but I am such a huge fan.
JENNIFER: Oh, thank you.
WILL: I read everything about you.
[JENNIFER GIGGLES.]
WILL: You know, People, Us, Star, The Enquirer. Sometimes I even go online.
JENNIFER: I'm sorry, are you saying that the details of my personal life-- the tragedy, the pain, the heartache-- that-- that's entertaining to you?
WILL: Oh! God, yes!
JENNIFER: Are you wearing Glow?
[JENNIFER LEANS IN AND SMELLS WILL.]
[CUT TO THE RECEPTION. JACK AND ROSARIO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE. JACK IS ENJOYING ONE OF THE SHRIMP COCKTAILS ON THE TABLE. ROSARIO'S SHRIMP COCKTAIL HAS CANTELOPE WEDGES INSTEAD OF SHRIMP.]
JACK: Mmm. Shrimp. You know what's the best thing about Vegas? You can just toss the tails right on the floor.
[JACK TOSSES HIS SHRIMP TAIL ON THE FLOOR.]
JACK: Yeah. That's why they call it Sin City. [CHUCKLES]
ROSARIO: Do you remember our wedding, Jack?
JACK: Like it was yesterday. You were a beautiful bride, Rosie.
ROSARIO: You too.
JACK: Oh, Rosie. Promise me, if in five years, we're still single, you'll be my maid.
[ROSARIO SMILES AND NODS.]
JACK: [TO ROSARIO] Shrimp?
BEVERLEY: [TO JACK, AS HE WALKS PAST] Queer!
[JACK AND ROSARIO LOOK AT BEVERLEY AS HE WALKS BY.]
KAREN: [INTO MICROPHONE] Hello, everyone. I'm Karen Finster. God, I hate that name. I've got a treat for you. Whoo! The hardest working lady in show business. That's right. She's an actress. She's a singer. She's a dancer.
JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my God, she's talking about me. Oh, my God. I don't have anything prepared! Now I do.
KAREN: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Jennifer Lopez. Or as she's known to millions of her fans, "Jen Pez!"
[JENNIFER LOPEZ MAKES HER ENTRANCE, FOLLOWED BY HER TWO DANCERS.]
JENNIFER: Hey, everybody.
[ONE OF HER DANCERS, ETHAN, FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.]
ETHAN: [SCREAMS] Ah! I slipped on a shrimp tail. [ETHAN HOLDS UP THE SHRIMP TAIL JACK THREW AWAY.]
JENNIFER: Ethan, please tell me you didn't rip my jeans.
JACK: Everybody out of the way. Out of the way. Oh, my God, Jennifer Lopez. I'll worship you in a minute. I am an accredited nurse who recently gave it up to pursue acting. [TO ETHAN] Tell me where it hurts.
JENNIFER: Oh, God, please tell me it's not the anterior cruxiate ligament.
JACK: Okay, it's not.
JENNIFER: I can't do my show unless I have two backup dancers.
KAREN: You can't just do it with one?
JENNIFER: No.
KAREN: Why?
JENNIFER: Because I need two.
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Can't do it with just one?
JENNIFER: No.
KAREN: Why not one?
JENNIFER: 'Cause it's not two.
KAREN: Damn it! She's got an answer for everything.
JENNIFER: So unless somebody here knows every move of my intricately planned choreography, I'm gonna have to cancel and paid in full.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE RUNS UP TO TOWARDS THE STAGE.]
BEVERLEY: Miss Lopez. Miss Lopez, I can do it. I know all the moves--
[AS BEVERLEY LESLIE RUNS PAST JACK, JACK SHOVES HIM AND SENDS HIM SAILING ACROSS THE ROOM, WHERE HE FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
JACK: Miss Lopez, I can do it. I know all the steps by heart.
JENNIFER: Okay, well, can you do this?
[JENNIFER DOES A DANCE MOVE: SHE KICKS OUT HER LEG AND ROTATES HER HIPS AND TURNS HER HEAD.]
[JACK MIMICS THE MOVE.]
JENNIFER: Let me check the butt.
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND LIFTS HIS JACKET SO JENNIFER LOPEZ CAN LOOK AT HIS BUTT.]
JENNIFER: Girl, you're hired!
SCENE IX: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom
(Jennifer has taken the stage as everyone applauds.)
JENNIFER: [INTO MICROPHONE] Thank you. It is great to be here at the fabulous Caesars Ballroom. Oh, before we start, I wanna say hi to one of my old friends, Rosario. Rosie, are you here?
ROSARIO: [STANDING UP] Here I am!
JENNIFER: I must have been thinking of a different Rosie.
ROSARIO: It's the same one.
[ROSARIO SITS DOWN.]
JENNIFER: Well...I changed a lot too. You know, when Karen asked me to sing at her wedding, I said yes because I believe in love. I said yes because I believe in the magic that two people can create together. And I said yes because I get to keep one of the centerpieces. Heh-heh...
WILL: [SCREECHING] We love you, Jennifer!
JENNIFER: So I'm gonna do a little number from my new CD.
KAREN: No! Classic J.Lo!
WILL: [SCREECHING] "Waiting for Tonight"! I can't stop myself.
JENNIFER: Okay, "Waiting for Tonight" it is.
[A DANCE REMIX OF "WAITING FOR TONIGHT" BEGINS PLAYING.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Like a movie scene/In the sweetest dreams/I pictured us together--
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Now I feel your lips/On my fingertips/I have to say is even better--
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Than I ever thought/It could possibly be/It's perfect, it's passion/It's setting me free--
[JENNIFER'S DANCER JUMPS ONTO THE STAGE FROM THE LEFT.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] From all of my sadness--
[JACK JUMPS ONTO THE STAGE FROM THE RIGHT.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] The tears that I've cried/I have spent all of my life...
[JENNIFER LOPEZ, JACK, AND THE DANCER BEGIN A SYNCRONIZED DANCE ROUTINE DURING THE INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE.]
[JACK AND THE DANCER CONTINUE AS JENNIFER SINGS THE CHORUS.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight/When you would be here in my arms
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight/I've dreamed of this love for so long
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight
[THE SONG ENDS AS JACK SLIDES UNDERNEATH JENNIFER'S LEGS AND SHE STRIKES A POSE.]
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS.]
[JACK TRIES TO STAND UP BUT HIS HEAD GETS CAUGHT BETWEEN JENNIFER'S LEGS. HIS "DOO RAG" FALLS OFF; HE PICKS IT UP AND TIES IT AROUND HIS HEAD AND NECK LIKE A SCARF.]
JENNIFER: Thank you. And congratulations, Karen and Lyle. And just remember, the secret to a happy marriage is... Ah, who am I kidding? Thank you. Good night.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS AS JENNIFER AND JACK COME DOWN OFF THE STAGE.]
JACK: [TO JENNIFER] Oh, my God. That was incrediblble. Thank you, Jenny from the block. And I'm not fooled by the rocks you've got.
JENNIFER: You wanna come up to my room and watch the Iron Chef? It's all about mushrooms tonight.
JACK: Okay. Can I keep the doo rag?
JENNIFER: Oh, yeah, keep it. Ethan's dead to me.
[JENNIFER AND JACK WALK OUT.]
[WILL CALLS OUT TO JENNIFER AS SHE WALKS PAST. SHE DOESN'T SEE HIM.]
WILL: Jennifer, a lotta people say that we have similar skin tone. Okay, bye-bye, we'll talk later.
[WILL NOTICES LEO IN THE LOBBY TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.]
LEO: [INTO PHONE] Hey. Yeah, I don't know, Grace. I-I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice. Yeah, I wish we were together too. We should come here sometime. This place is amazing. Yeah, there's a La Salsa here. Yeah, baby, there's something I need to talk to you about.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE WALKS UP TO WILL.]
BEVERLEY: [TO WILL] What are you smiling about, handsome?
LEO: Well...I did that. He was afraid to call her 'cause they're going through a thing. And I just said, hey, communicate. Communication is key. It's good, right? I'm Dr. Will. [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha. You get it? It's like a play on Dr. Phil.
BEVERLEY: Not as interesting when it speaks.
[BEVERLEY LOOKS WILL UP AND DOWN AND WALKS AWAY.]
[MARION FINSTER TAKES THE STAGE AND CLINKS HIS CHAMPAIGN GLASS.]
MARION: [INTO MICROPHONE] Hello, everyone. I just want to say how happy I am to be here at the wedding of my only brother, Lyle. Now, I don't think Karen knows this, but we Finsters have a longstanding family tradition of inviting the brother into the wedding bed. Now, now, I'm just joking, if you think that's weird. Show of hands, how many--
[LYLE PUSHES MARION OFF THE STAGE.]
LYLE: Thank you, Marion. Yes, it was a mistake having you here. And now I would like to propose a toast to my beautiful bride.
BEVERLEY: [TO WILL] You know, if you tell my wife, I'm gonna deny this, but for me, Karen Walker will always be the one that got away.
WILL: From what?
LYLE: I would do anything for her. She has already done so much for me.
KAREN: Well... I love you, honey.
LYLE: She let me have light beer when she didn't want it. She's taking a course in salt water taffy pulling, although she didn't want to.
[KAREN SHRUGS.]
LYLE: She's well on the way to becoming a registered rugby referee. And she has agreed to fund my traveling puppet theater, even though she most certainly did not want to.
[KAREN LOOKS DOWN AT HER FEET.]
LYLE: She took my name when she didn't want to. She even got married in Vegas without her best friend. Even though she didn't want to. Come up here, my darling.
[KAREN WALKS UP ONTO THE STAGE.]
LYLE: How lucky I am to find a woman who's happy to mortgage her entire personal identity just for me. I love you, darling. Would you like to say something?
[KAREN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY AS SHE TAKES THE STAGE]
KAREN: [CLEARS THROAT] I want a divorce.
[EVERYONE GASPS.]
SCENE IX: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom, Lobby
(Will walks into the lobby to talk to Leo.)
WILL: Hey. So you talked to her?
LEO: Yeah. I was completely honest.
WILL: Felt good, right? See, I knew. Grace responds to honesty. She doesn't often use it, but she responds to it. So what'd she say?
LEO: She never wants to see me again.
WILL: What? Over a kiss? Oh, God, let me talk to her. Okay, maybe you didn't say it right. I know how to handle Grace. I told her I was gay, and we're still friends. You know, and she was way more into me than she's into you.
LEO: Yeah, I didn't really tell you the whole story, Will. It was--it was more than a kiss.
WILL: How much more?
LEO: We slept together. I-I didn't plan on it. I-I didn't mean to. You know, it just-- it just happened. One time. Y-You're still gonna talk to her for me, though, right?
WILL: No. Now you're on your own.
[WILL WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK RUNS INTO THE LOBBY, EXCITED.]
JACK: [TO LEO] Hey, Leo, did you hear? I'm going on tour with J.Lo!
LEO: I think I may have just lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
JACK: [TOUCHED] Oh, Leo. [EXCITED] But did you hear? I'm going on tour with J.Lo!
[JACK RUNS INTO THE BALLROOM TO FIND KAREN.]
JACK: Karen. Did you hear? I'm gonna tour with J.Lo.
KAREN: Jackie... Finney and I are getting a divorce.
JACK: [SADLY] Oh, Karen. [EXCITED] But did you hear? I'm gonna tour with J.Lo! I mean, doesn't anybody care?! I'm gonna tour with Jennifer Lopez!
BEVERLEY: I care! Does she need another--
JACK: No!
[JACK PUSHES BEVERLEY.]
