SCENE I: Karen's Private Jet
(The jet is parked at the airplane. Karen, Jack, and Will board the jet and get comfy.)
JACK: So, Karen, I can't believe you're doing this. Eloping to Vegas. [GASPS] It's so romantic. Taking your sacred vows in the city of water slides and titty bars.
WILL: What happened to the big fall wedding you were planning? You know, the three thousand people in St. Patrick's Cathedral. Did-did the walls start bleeding when you walked in?
KAREN: I don't know, honey. We were doing all that wedding planning and all the sudden, Lyle just said, "Hey! Screw it. Let's go to Vegas and get married." He loves Caesar's Palace. There's a little salsa there.
WILL: God, this plane is fantastic!
KAREN: Thanks, honey.
WILL: You know, I am only travelling like this from now on. How much does it cost to charter a plane like this for the weekend.
KAREN: Two-hundred and seventy thousand dollars.
WILL: You know what else is fantastic? JetBlue.
JACK: So this is fun. Yeah. I haven't been on your plane since we flew down to Mexico to smuggle in some new staff for you.
WILL: Hee hee! Grace is going to be so jealous she missed this.
JACK: Why is she missing this?
KAREN: Oh. Work. She's designing a sex room for one of the gals from "The View." She can meet us in Vegas tomorrow.
WILL: Yeah, Leo's gonna meet us there, too. Oddly, Cambodia and New York, no direct flights. Cambodia, Vegas, four shuttles a day. Yeah. It's gonna be their big romantic reunion.
JACK: I still don't think it's fair. Why does Grace get to bring her husband, and we don't get to bring our boyfriends?
[SIGHS] Oh, come on, honey, you know what would happen. You gals would get all misty-eyed at my wedding, wanna do it yourselves and put me in the awkward position of having to come out against gay marriage.
WILL: You know, that would piss me off... if you weren't giving us this free trip.
[LYLE ENTERS THE PLANE.]
LYLE: Oh, sorry, darling. I'm really not sure about this. You know, I get petrified about flying.
KAREN: Oh, darling, I feel bad. I just took the last 12 Xanax.
LYLE: I know it's childish of me, but I just have this vision of the plane going out of control and smashing into the side of the mountain. Ah, listen to me prattling away. I should just get into the cockpit and have us cleared for takeoff. Enjoy your flight, everyone.
[LYLE PUTS ON A PILOT'S HAT AND WALKS INTO TO THE COCKPIT.]
SCENE II: Karen's Private Jet
(The plane is flying to Vegas. Jack, Will, and Karen are sitting in the sofas, relaxing.)
LYLE: [VOICE] Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look off the right side of the plane, you can see the mighty Mississippi, celebrated in literature and song. And off the left side, you can see-- Bloody hell, another plane. Hang on, everyone!
[THE PLANE BANKS SHARPLY, TOSSING EVERYONE TO ONE SIDE.]
[THE PLANE LEVELS OUT.]
KAREN: Okay, kids, here are your packets.
[KAREN HANDS WILL AND JACK AN ORANGE ENVELOPE EACH.]
KAREN: Everything you need once we hit Vegas. Show tickets, mad money, and if you wanna get some sun by the pool, I threw in a thong and a razor for your ass.
WILL: I'm gonna hit the blackjack tables. I learned how to play on my last gay cruise. I got pretty good too. They called me the "BJ Kid."
[WILL THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE SAID FOR A SECOND. KAREN AND JACK LOOK AT HIM, SUPRISED.]
WILL: I hope it was 'cause of the blackjack. Are you gonna play, Jack?
JACK: Oh--[CHUCKLING] No. All that "hit me, hit me" gets me excited for all the wrong reasons.
WILL: You know, we could play as a team. Maximize our winnings, minimize our loses. That's what I did on the gay cruise. Guys wanted to team up with me all the time. I'd get calls in the middle of the night just asking for the BJ Kid.
KAREN: Gosh, I'm starving. Where is that lazy-ass stewardess?
[KAREN PUSHES THE CALL BUTTON.]
[ROSARIO ENTERS THE CABIN, PUSHING A CART.]
ROSARIO: Okay, here we go.
[ROSARIO HANDS JACK A BOWL OF NUTS.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
[JACK GIGGLES.]
[ROSARIO ROLLS HER EYES AND GIVES WILL A BOWL OF NUTS.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
[WILL GIGGLES.]
[ROSARIO GIVES KAREN HER BOWL.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
[KAREN GIGGLES.]
ROSARIO: Get your mind out of the gutter. They're just nuts.
[ROSARIO GIGGLES AS SHE PUSHES THE CART AWAY.]
[KAREN IS SITTING IN HER CHAIR WITH THE WEDDING PLANS.]
KAREN: Well, looks like everything's all set for the wedding. [READING] Flowers, clean needles, Jordan almonds... Hey, what's this "light beer" on here?
[LYLE ENTERS THE CABIN FROM THE COCKPIT.]
LYLE: Well, I figured out how the auto-pilot works. Finally, after two weeks of flying, ha!
KAREN: Darling, what's with this light beer?
LYLE: Oh, I like light beer. I got two going in the cockpit right now.
KAREN: We can't have light beer at my wedding. It's tacky. And I've got these two fags here who are gonna be judging everything I do.
WILL: It's true.
JACK: It's true.
LYLE: Well, I want light beer.
KAREN: Well, I don't.
LYLE: All right, well, we'll discuss this when we get to Miami.
WILL: Vegas.
LYLE: Oh, dear.
[LYLE HURRIES BACK INTO THE COCKPIT.]
KAREN: Sheesh. Can you believe him? Light beer. What's next? Non-addictive painkillers? [SCOFFS]
JACK: Karen, marriage is about compromise. You know, maybe you just let him have this one.
WILL: Yeah, in the big scheme of things is it really that important? I mean, it's beer. It's not like something crucial like the mini crab cakes.
KAREN: Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm making too much of it. He can have his beer. Oh, and, Will, uh, we decided against the mini crab cakes. We're going with the chicken sauté.
WILL: [LOOKS AT HIS WATCH] 9:12 AM, the time the trip was officially ruined.
SCENE III: Caesars Palace, Las Vegas
(Karen and Lyle are riding up the escalator to the casino.)
KAREN: Ah, Vegas. I can't wait to go gambling. I mean, sure I may lose 100 grand. But the drinks are free, it all evens out.
LYLE: I'm just sorry that my daughter couldn't attend our wedding. And Lorraine could be making so much money on the out-of-towners.
KAREN: I know. Who would have thought that there could be such an aggressive strain of herpes that it could keep you from flying.
LYLE: Yeah. Anyway, thanks so much, darling, for agreeing to get married here.
KAREN: Well, you know, I'd do anything for you. Except for what I did last night. That was just a one time thing. [laughing]
KAREN: [SINGING] Lah-ba-da, bee-ba-da...
[MARK JULIANO INTRODUCES HIMSELF TO KAREN AND LYLE.]
MARK JULIANO: Hi, Mrs. Walker. Mark Juliano, I'm the president of Caesars Palace. Is there anything I can do for you?
KAREN: Well, uh, yes, actually. I understand that Celine Dion works for you. I was wondering if you could have her sent up to our room later to give us foot massages.
MARK JULIANO: She doesn't do that.
LYLE: How 'bout Elton John?
MARK JULIANO: Well, he might. I'll ask.
LYLE: Thank you.
[MARK JULIANO WALKS OFF. KAREN AND LYLE CONTINUE THEIR STROLL THROUGH THE CASINO.]
KAREN: [SINGING] Ah-ba-da, Bee-ba-da, Doopity-doopity-doo...
[KAREN CONTINUES SINGING AS HER AND LYLE WALK THROUGH THE CASINO.]
KAREN: Look, Lyle. I think I recognize those two from New York.
[KAREN POINTS TO A BLACKJACK TABLE. WILL AND JACK ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE TALKING.]
LYLE: Isn't it awkward when you meet someone on the plane and then keep bumping into them the whole trip?
[LYLE AND KAREN WALK OFF...]
WILL: I have a big surprise for Grace and Leo when they get here. I upgraded their room. And I sent champagne and had them sprinkle rose petals on their bed. Well, they didn't have rose petals, so French fries. I figured that would get Grace into bed faster.
JACK: Why are you playing Cupid with them? Is it 'cause you're chubby and five minutes away from a diaper?
WILL: Hey. They haven't seen each other in six months. I just want their romantic reunion to be special. You know, when they're standing in that beautiful room, looking into each other's eyes, I want them to think, "I love Will."
[TWO MEN DRESSED AS ROMAN GLADIATOR SOLDIERS WALK BY.]
JACK: Ooh, that reminds me. I have to get condoms.
[WILL WINS HIS HAND.]
WILL: Yes! And that is why they call me the BJ Kid. Heh. I hope.
JACK: [TO THE DEALER] Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Damn it, I shoulda stayed at 19! [TO WILL] Ah, go ahead, Will, kick me off your team. I stink at this. I'm like a bad luck charm. A big ol' jinx. [CHUCKLES.]
[EVERYONE AT THE TABLE GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
WILL: No, no, no, we are in this together. Who cares if one guy's down 240 and the other guy's up 650? That still leaves the team with 410 dollars. Minus the $ 100 initial investment. That's a $ 310 profit in a 45 minute period.
JACK: Explain that to me again without the numbers and pat my head.
WILL: You don't have to do any of the thinking. Just sit there and look pretty.
[WILL PUTS HIS HAND ON JACK'S HAND.]
JACK: Oh, thanks, buddy. You always look out for me.
[JACK PUTS HIS OTHER HAND ON TOP OF WILL'S HAND.]
[KAREN RUNS UP TO WILL AND JACK AND PULLS THEIR HANDS APART.]
KAREN: Oh, cut that out. You wanna get us all killed?
[KAREN SMACKS WILL ON THE ARM.]
SCENE IV: Caesars Palace, Ladies' Restroom
(Later. Karen is in the bathroom looking in the mirror, fixing her make-up, singing.)
KAREN: [SINGING] I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as the flag on the Fourth of July. If you'll excuse an expression I use I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
[A TOILET FLUSHES.]
[JENNIFER LOPEZ WALKS OUT OF THE STALL.]
JENNIFER: Yeah, well, it'll never last.
KAREN: Jennifer Lopez?
JENNIFER: Shh. Please, I'm on vacation. Can I just get a hand towel and a pack of Chicklets?
KAREN: What?! Honey, I don't work here.
JENNIFER: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, you see a white girl in a bathroom, you just assume.
KAREN: No, honey, don't you remember? I'm Karen. We met through Rosario. You guys used to take tap together in the Bronx way back when.
JENNIFER: Oh! [LAUGHS] Rosie! God, I haven't seen her since we performed "Tea for Two" at the Shalom Retirement Center. How is she doing? Is she still working on her Masters?
KAREN: Yeah, she sorta got a little sidetracked. So, uh, keeping yourself busy these days?
JENNIFER: No, kinda taking it easy. You know, promoting my fragrance. Uh, shooting a movie in L.A. Working on a new line of track suits. And studying for my real estate license. Do you rent or own?
KAREN: Honey, I own everyone. Great, well, since you're not up to much, you wanna sing at my wedding tonight?
JENNIFER: Ooh, tonight? [THINKS] Uh...I'm opening the restaurant. Mixing a new CD. Uh, finishing my novel. So... Okay! Besides, it'll be great to see Rosario. Does she still wear all those colorful outfits?
KAREN: Yeah, she's, uh... sort of in a gray phase right now.
JENNIFER: Well, I guess I'll see you tonight. Oh, and don't tell my manager. He'll want ten percent.
SCENE V: Caesars Palace, The Casino
(Jack and Will are sitting at their blackjack table. Lyle has joined them.)
LYLE: Well, here we are, three single men in Vegas. What sort of trouble are we gonna get ourselves into tonight?
WILL: We were gonna go to Chippendales.
LYLE: Oh, I'll see you at the wedding.
[LYLE STANDS UP TO LEAVE WHEN KAREN APPROACHES.]
KAREN: Darling, great news. While I was in the crapper, I found a singer for our reception.
LYLE: Oh, super, I can't wait to dance the first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Lyle Finster.
KAREN: What?! I ain't changing my name. I like my name. Carol--
WILL AND JACK: Karen.
KAREN: Texas Ranger.
WILL AND JACK: Walker.
LYLE: But, darling, if you don't take my name, all the chaps at the gardening club will think me unmanly.
KAREN: Yeah, well, forget about it. Ain't gonna happen.
LYLE: Fine, well, let the castrating commence, eh?
[LYLE WALKS OFF.]
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Can you believe him? Wanting me to change my name. I've had that name my entire life!
JACK: Well, Karen, actually Walker was Stan's name. Before that you were Popeil and St. Croix. Your real name's Delaney.
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Oh, right. Zany Delaney. [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha! But I don't wanna go back to that, and I don't wanna give him this either.
JACK: But don't you need to change your name every few years to throw the Feds off?
KAREN: That's true. And it would be a lot easier than sandpapering off my fingerprints. Well, all right. I'll give him this one too.
[KAREN WALKS OFF. WILL AND JACK FOCUS THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE CARD GAME.]
WILL: Damn it! Busted again.
JACK: Yay, 21!
WILL: Thank God we're a team 'cause I am down to my last 10 dollars.
JACK: Yeah, about that, the team's over. I'm rich!
WILL: Hey!
[JACK RUNS OFF.]
SCENE VI: Outside Caesars Palace
(Karen, Lyle, Will, and Jack are having photos taken. The marquee displays "Congratulations Karen & Lyle" with their picture surrounded by a heart.)
PHOTOGRAPHER: Can I get you guys to squeeze in a little closer together?
KAREN: How blessed am I that I get to share this wonderful occasion with the people that I love the most?
[EVERYONE PUTS THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER AND MOVE CLOSER.]
ALL: Cheese!
KAREN: All right, now one without the queers.
[KAREN PUSHES WILL AND JACK AWAY. THEY WALK OVER TO THE SIDE, AWAY FROM KAREN AND LYLE.]
JACK: Are you still mad at me, Will?
WILL: No, Jack, I'm not a child. I don't hold silly grudges.
JACK: Oh, good. 'Cause look what I bought with my winnings.
[JACK TAKES OFF HIS WATCH AND HANDS IT TO WILL.]
WILL: Wow, nice.
JACK: Yeah, and it tells the time in every time zone.
WILL: I wonder what time it is on the sidewalk.
[WILL TOSSES THE WATCH DOWN ONTO THE STREET.]
[JACK GASPS AND TURNS TO KAREN.]
JACK: Karen, did you just see what Will did?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Would it help if I played with your breasts for awhile?
JACK: [SIGHS] Okay.
KAREN: [RUBBING JACK'S CHEST] Whoo. La la la la.
[JACK GIGGLES.]
[LEO MARKUS WALKS UP.]
LEO: Hey, weren't you two doing that when I left?
WILL: Hey!
KAREN: Honey, Look!
JACK: It's Leo!
[JACK HUGS LEO.]
JACK: Ooh, somebody lost some weight.
LEO: Ah, thank you.
JACK: It was me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my watch back from that guy before the ambulance takes him away.
[JACK RUNS OFF TO GET HIS WATCH.]
WILL: [TO LEO] Hey, buddy.
LEO: Hey.
[WILL HUGS LEO.]
LEO: [TO KAREN AND LYLE] Hey, guys.
KAREN: Oh, hey, Leo.
LEO: Hey, Karen. [INTODUCING HIMSELF TO LYLE] Hi, Leo Markus.
[LEO AND LYLE SHAKE HANDS.]
LYLE: Lyle Finster.
KAREN: You know, I've heard so much about you. Karen says that you have all the qualities she looks for in a man. So...I guess you own a bottle opener.
LYLE: Keep it on my belt.
KAREN: [TO LEO] Honey, now, could you get out of our picture? I don't mean to be offensive. But, uh, this is a Gentiles-only photograph. Ha ha.
WILL: [TO LEO] Grace can't wait to see you. You're all she talked about for four months.
LEO: Oh, Grace didn't call ya? Oh, she's not coming. She threw her back out installing a rubber swing for one of the ladies on "The View." I can't tell you which one, but it's not the one you think.
LYLE: Well, that's terrible. That means the insurance will go up on all our rubber swings.
WILL: So wait, wait, she's not coming at all? We were gonna get our hair blown out together.
LEO: Oh, Will, this must be so painful for you.
[LEO PUTS HIS HAND ON WILL'S SHOULDER.]
KAREN: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, what am I supposed to do? I can't get married without my best girl. We're gonna have to postpone!
LYLE: No, we can't postpone. I want to start my new life with you right now.
KAREN: Darling, so do I. Okay, come on, let's do it. Besides, I'll have lots of other weddings that Grace can come to. Let's go get our pictures taken in the Jacuzzi.
[LYLE AND KAREN WALK AWAY.]
WILL: Well... You must be so bummed she's not here. Hey, come on. Let's call her. Yeah, we'll do something cute. Like talk in chipmunk voices or do a comical rap. Come on, let's call her.
LEO: Hey, hey, you know what? Let's call her later. I'm dying to go gambling. You know, I got 112,000 in Cambodia money. That's almost four bucks of fun.
SCENE VII: The Wedding Chapel
(Karen and Rosario are outside the wedding chapel getting ready for the ceremony.)
ROSARIO: I can't tell you how proud I am to be part of your special day.
KAREN: Oh, well, you are a part of it, Rosie. That's why I want you to walk into that chapel, get down on your hands and knees with some Endust and a shammy and makes those floors shine.
ROSARIO: You said I was your bridesmaid.
KAREN: No. [LAUGHS] I said you're the bride's maid. Now get!
[ROSARIO SULKS INTO THE CHAPEL.]
[LYLE WALKS IN WITH HIS BROTHER, MARION FINSTER.]
LYLE: Darling, I want you to meet my brother, Marion.
MARION: Pleasure.
KAREN: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
MARION: Marion.
KAREN: One more time.
MARION: Marion.
KAREN: Ha ha ha ha, I'm sorry. I keep hearing "Marion."
MARION: Well, may I say on behalf of all the Finsters, welcome to the family. I've always wanted a sister.
KAREN: Oh?
[MARION GRABS KAREN AND DIPS HER AND KISSES HER ON THE LIPS.]
MARION: Whoa, congratulations, brother. [CHUCKLES.]
[MARION GRABS LYLE AND DIPS HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS.]
MARION: Okay. See you in the chapel.
[MARION WALKS INTO THE CHAPEL.]
KAREN: Boy. Your brother sure can kiss.
LYLE: That's nothing. Wait 'til you meet my dad.
[INSIDE THE CHAPEL. WILL IS SITTING DOWN IN THE FRONT ROW. JACK ENTERS THE CHAPEL.]
JACK: Psst. Will. Since Grace isn't here, Karen would like you to read this at the wedding.
[JACK HANDS WILL A PIECE OF PAPER.]
WILL: This is a profile of Amy Brenneman from TV Guide.
JACK: Yeah, but look what she says about love.
WILL: [READS THE CAPTION] Awww!
[JACK WALKS BACK TO THE LOBBY.]
[LEO WALKS IN AND SITS BEHIND WILL.]
LEO: [TO WILL] Hey there, hockey pucks. What is this, a moron convention? Sorry, I just came from the Don Rickles show at the Stardust.
WILL: Are you drunk?
LEO: Little bit. [IMITATING ELVIS] It's Vegas, baby.
WILL: What's the matter with you? Karen's gonna be drunk. You dodon't pull focus from the bride.
LEO: I-I-I'm sorry. I've been in Cambodia. It's been awhile since I had a drink that wasn't mixed with bacteria. [CHUCKLES] I said "bacteria."
WILL: All the way from "Doctors without Humor." Listen, I talked to Karen, and she said if you wanna take her plane back to New York, you're welcome to it. You know, it's just gonna be sitting there 'til Thursday, when it has to... bring arms to Panama.
LEO: I don't know, you know. I'm having fun. Did I mention, it's Vegas, baby?
WILL: Yeah, but you can be with Grace in less than four hours.
LEO: What? And miss Karen's wedding. I love Karen. And you know who else I love? You.
WILL: Okay, what the hell is going on here?
[CUT TO THE LOBBY. KAREN IS PUTTING A BOUTONNIERE ON JACK'S JACKET.]
KAREN: Jackie, I'm so happy. And you know, you were right. Marriage is about compromise. I gave up a lot, but I got stuff too.
JACK: Like what, Kare?
KAREN: Well, Lyle wanted me to walk down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride." But then I told him that ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed that at my fourth wedding... I would walk down the aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. And he went for it.
JACK: That's great. But weren't you saving "Sympathy for the Devil" for your fifth wedding?
KAREN: Honey, that would be in bad taste. Fifth wedding is traditionally "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.
[CUT TO THE CHAPEL.]
WILL: No, really, why don't you wanna see your wife?
LEO: Back off, all right. It's none of your business.
WILL: It is my business. She's my best friend. What is going on with you?
LEO: I'm just not ready to see her yet.
WILL: Why?
LEO: I don't wanna talk about this right now.
[THE WEDDING BEGINS. THE DOORS OPEN AND KAREN AND JACK STEP IN. "HERE COMES THE BRIDE" BEGINS PLAYING.]
KAREN: What the--?!
[KAREN GETS WEAK-KNEED AND ALMOST PASSES OUT. JACK HELPS HER UP AND PUSHES HER DOWN THE AISLE.]
WILL: Leo, tell me.
LEO: Drop it. We're in the middle of a wedding.
WILL: Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.
LEO: I kissed someone, okay. I kissed someone when I was in Cambodia.
[JACK HELPS KAREN TO THE ALTAR.]
JACK: [TO LYLE] Here comes the bride. And she is pissed.
