SCENE I: Karen Walker's Penthouse, Stanley's Wake
(WILL, JACK, GRACE, LEO, KAREN, are ROSARIO are mingling in the family room. There are other guests about too.)
WILL: I still can't believe Stan's gone. And I must say, it was a beautiful funeral.
JACK: It was, and it really got me thinking. We were the best looking ones there.
WILL: [NODS] I know. I mean, we were, like, the reason it was beautiful.
JACK: So, how about Stan leaving us all that money? [WHISPERING] Twenty thousand dollars!
WILL: Yeah. To plan our wedding. I still have no idea why he thought we were a couple. Is that your third glass of wine?
JACK: Are you counting?
[CUT TO LEO AND GRACE SITTING DOWN.]
GRACE: Sweetie, I am so excited about going to Guatemala with you. I'm a doctor without borders.
LEO: Technically, you're not a doctor.
GRACE: Hey, I got a "B" in high school biology. Down there, I'm a doctor.
[CUT TO THE FOYER. LORRAINE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS WITH A SUITCASE.]
[AS SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE, KAREN WALKS IN.]
KAREN: Well, well, I've never seen trash take itself out.
LORRAINE: Stuff it, you bitter witch. Just getting the rest of my things before they start to reek of booze and anti-growth hormone.
KAREN: Well, then, you won't mind if I take a look in that suitcase.
LORRAINE: Up yours! I may be a gold digger, a stripper, and a whore-- nine arrests, no convictions-- But I am no thief.
KAREN: I admire your principles. Almost as much as I admire my diamond ring in your hand. Give it up. [KAREN HOLDS OUT HER HAND.]
[LORRAINE DROPS THE RING INTO KAREN'S HAND.]
KAREN: And?
[LORRAINE PULLS A GOLD WATCH OUT OF HER BRA.]
KAREN: And.
[LORRAINE SPREADS HER LEGS AND A BRACELET FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] And.
[LORRAINE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXHALES. SHE SQUINTS AND A LARGE BRACELET FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: Wow, impressive. Had we met years ago and under different circumstances this might have been hello instead of good-bye.
LORRAINE: I'll be leaving now. But I won't be leaving quickly. And why?
KAREN: Hmm?
LORRAINE: Because I have a diamond tiara up my bum.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse, After Stanley's Wake
(LEO IS TALKING TO KAREN. GRACE IS BY HIS SIDE)
LEO: It was a lovely reception, Karen. I was especially moved by the Taco Bell fly-over.
KAREN: Well, thank you, Lars. You know, you kids can go if you want to. I've got a lot to do before the yacht leaves for St. Barts in the morning.
GRACE: Why are you going to St. Barts? Oh, oh, visiting "friends"? [GRACE SUCKS IN HER CHEEKS AND PULLS HER FACE BACK WITH HER HANDS.]
KAREN: No, Stan wanted his ashes scattered in the Caribbean off the back of his yacht. It's going to feel very empty there without him. Of course, any place would feel empty without Stan. He took up a lot of room. [KAREN CHUCKLES.]
WILL: The Caribbean. [TO KAREN] Do you want some company?
JACK: [WHISPERING TO WILL] Will, we are supposed to be planning a fabulous vacation. How are we going to do that if we're stuck on a fully staffed 100-foot luxury yacht headed for the Caribbean?
WILL: [QUEITLY TO JACK] Jack, it's a free ride to a French island. We take the money Stan left us, we convert our dollars into francs, and then our francs into Steves.
JACK: [POINTING TO WILL] Somebody got in the brain line twice.
WILL: And somebody never got in it at all.
[WILL AND JACK WALK DOWN THE STAIRS TO JOIN KAREN.]
WILL: Karen. We, uh, we could join you.
KAREN: Oh, I'd love it if you girls would come with me. Hey, did you know there's a jacuzzi onboard?
WILL: A jacuzzi?!
JACK: [GASPS] I love bubbles!
GRACE: Wow, fun! [TO LEO] There gonna be some spa-like things where we're going?
LEO: Well, the whole country's pretty much like a steam room.
KAREN: Oh, and Chef will be there with his famous morning crêpe station.
JACK: Crêpes!
WILL: I love folded foods!
GRACE: Yu-um! [TO LEO] We'll have nice meals, right?
LEO: Depends if the food drop came that week.
[GRACE'S FACE FALLS.]
KAREN: And the shopping. All of the stores on St. Barts are duty-free.
WILL: Yay!
JACK: Duty free!
[GRACE LOOKS AT LEO]
LEO: Lotta doody.
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Gracie, honey, why don't you come with?
GRACE: I can't. I have to help people. You go have fun in your jacuzzi, and your crêpes, and your shopping. I'll be fine... sleeping in my own filth and waiting for food to drop down from the sky-- [GRACE BEGINS SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]
[LEO TAKES GRACE OVER TO THE SIDE.]
LEO: Hey, sweetie. Come on, why don't you go?
GRACE: What? Really?
LEO: Yeah, I mean-- I love you, but let's face it. The thought of you doing something selfless is a joke.
GRACE: I love that you get me. [TO KAREN/WILL/JACK] Hey, guys, we're going on a cruise!
[KAREN, WILL, AND JACK CHEER AND CLAP.]
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] Dr. Markus?
GRACE: Yes?
ROSARIO: Uh, there's a Dr. Morty here to see you.
LEO: Great. Tell Dani to come in.
ROSARIO: Oh, suddenly, I work for you too.
LEO: Karen, I'm really sorry to do this here, but this trip came about so fast they had to get my paperwork started, so Dani offered to come and bring it by for me.
GRACE: Oh, good! I finally get to meet the famous Dr. Morty. Leo's going to Guatemala with him.
LEO: Her.
GRACE: Huh?
[DR. DANIELLE MORTY ENTERS. SHE'S A BLONDE BOMBSHELL.]
DANIELLE: Hi, I'm so sorry to intrude. Leo, your papers.
LEO: Thank you. Dani, this is Will and Jack, Karen, Rosario.
WILL: Hi.
JACK: Hi.
DANIELLE: Nice to meet you.
GRACE: Helloo?
LEO: This is my wife, Grace.
[DANIELLE SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
DANIELLE: Oh, Leo never mentioned he was married.
[GRACE IS SHOCKED.]
DANIELLE: Oh, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. He talks about you all the time! All the women at the hospital, they hate you. And one of the male nurses.
GRACE: Yeah, he mentioned you too. Although when he said "Dr. Morty," I pictured an old blotchy Jew who kept saying, "You call this dinner?"
DANIELLE: You've met my father.
GRACE: [NERVOUS LAUGH] Heh.
DANIELLE: I better get going. It was great meeting you.
LEO: Hey, I'll walk you out.
DANIELLE: Bye.
KAREN: Bye, now.
JACK: Take care.
WILL: Bye.
[KAREN, JACK, AND WILL LOOK AT GRACE AND SMILE.]
GRACE: She seems nice.
[JACK WALKS OVER TO GRACE.]
JACK: You must be dying!
[JACK CLAPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER.]
[KAREN AND WILL LAUGH.]
JACK: Aren't you dying?! Your husband is going to Guatemala with that! I would die!
KAREN: I know! That bod! She could be in a Whitesnake video! Whoo!
JACK: Just! Die!
WILL: That is some lucky flesh-eating virus that gets her.
JACK: [CLAPPING] Die! Die! Die!
GRACE: Okay! I get it! She's gorgeous and she saves lives, big whoop. I look good sometimes. And I let people cut in front of me in line at the supermarket. Well, I haven't, but I've thought of it.
WILL: Come on, Gracie. You have nothing to worry about.
GRACE: I know that! I'm very secure in my relationship. I love my husband, and I know that he loves me.
JACK: I would die!
SCENE III: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Lounge
(The Walker Yacht is docked, getting ready to depart. KAREN, JACK, WILL, GRACE, and LEO are sitting around.)
KAREN: I'm glad you all could be here. I spent a lot of time with Stanley on this boat. Not with him, I'd be with the crew on the opposite side to keep us from tipping.
[ROSARIO ENTERS, CARRYING A 5-GALLON POPCORN TIN. SHE SETS THE POPCORN TIN ON THE FLOOR WITH A THUD.]
ROSARIO: Here are the ashes.
JACK: Wow! Is that all Stan?
ROSARIO: No, there's another can in the limo.
[ROSARIO EXITS TO GET THE SECOND CAN.]
GRACE: They put him in a popcorn can? Isn't that a little... unseemly?
KAREN: No more so than the cremation. [SIGHS] It took four days and used so much power that all of Bergen County lost their air conditioning.
[KAREN'S DRIVER ENTERS. HE'S ABOUT A 100 YEARS OLD.]
DRIVER: Mrs. Walker? We're just about ready to shove off.
KAREN: Thanks, Driver.
WILL: That's the captain?! That's your limo driver!
KAREN: Yeah, drive a boat, drive a car, drive a plane. As long as I'm drunk, what's the difference?
LEO: Well, I should probably get going. Our plane takes off in a couple of hours.
GRACE: "Our" plane?
LEO: Yeah, me and Dani.
GRACE: You're flying together?
LEO: Yeah, we're going to the same place. Why?
GRACE: No, nothing. It's just that you never mentioned it. It's an interesting omission on your part. The way you omitted that, it's interesting to me.
LEO: Are you okay?
GRACE: I'm good. I'm good. It'll be fun... flying together. And lucky for you, if you have to make a water landing she has those huge flotation devices attached to her chest. Tell me, do they light up?
KAREN: Hmm, it's cute when boring people fight. But come on; let's say we get out of here. I'll show you around. We'll start on the port side and work our way around to the whiskey side.
[KAREN EXITS THE LOUNGE ONTO THE DECK, FOLLOWED BY WILL AND JACK.]
WILL: [TO JACK] She really was hot though, wasn't she?
JACK: I would die!
LEO: Grace, you're being silly, Danielle's a friend. I've known her for years. Besides, she's not even my type.
GRACE: Please, she's everyone's type. I'd do her.
LEO: All right, l-l-let me just picture that for a minute. [LEO CLOSES HIS EYES.] Oh... Oh, wow...
GRACE: Stop. Would you take this seriously?
LEO: No! Because nothing's gonna happen. Look, when we got married, I took a vow for better, for worse. There were some other things in there I wasn't quite following because I could see your thong through your dress. I love you.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
GRACE: You're right. You're right. I'm crazy. Go. Save the world, heal the sick, and just don't forget to get me a present. And a real present this time. Not one of those native crafts like you brought me from Africa. I want something that comes from a real store with a real receipt.
LEO: How 'bout I just give you some cash when I get home?
GRACE: That'll work too.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
GRACE: Bye.
[LEO EXITS OFF THE YACHT.]
SCENE IV: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Sun Deck
(WILL and JACK are laying on lounging air mattresses, wearing nothing but shorts and sunglasses, getting some sun. Will puts some lotion in his hands and begins rubbing Jack's back. Jack suddenly moves away.)
WILL: What?
JACK: I see what you're up to. You planned this whole thing.
WILL: What are you talking about?
[WILL REACHES FOR JACK'S BACK AND JACK SLAPS HIS HANDS AWAY.]
JACK: This! The boat, the sun, the lotion. Getting me to take my blouse off. It was all a clever ruse on your part to get with me.
WILL: Well, you caught me, Jack. It was all part of my master plan. First, I arranged to have Stan die so I could have him cremated and thrown from this boat, where I persuaded the sun to shine so I could lure you on deck and rub lotion on your creamy, 12-year-old-girl shoulders.
[JACK SHOOS WILL AWAY WITH HIS HANDS.]
KAREN: Hey, lovers, I hate to interrupt the honeymoon, but we're just about to scatter Stan's ashes. And, Will, there are three things I want to tell you. One--I really appreciate your being here.
WILL: What are the other two?
KAREN: Oh, when you sit like that, I can see your man berries.
[WILL IMMEDIATELY CROSSES HIS LEGS AND PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS PRIVATES.]
SCENE V: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Aft Deck
(The boat has stopped. WILL and JACK walk out onto the deck, wearing suits [without neckties]. GRACE walks out wearing a black bathing suit with a black kimono and a floppy sun hat.)
WILL: [TO GRACE] What are you wearing? Why aren't you dressed?
GRACE: What? We're on a boat.
WILL: We're scattering the ashes of a dead man, and you're dressed for Salma Hayek's pool party.
GRACE: I don't think Karen really cares what I'm wearing. It's the fact that I'm here that counts.
KAREN: [ENTERS] Well, if everybody's ready, we should get started. I wouldn't want Grace to be late to the MTV beach house.
GRACE: I didn't know! How did everyone else know?
JACK: Because we know how to act in these situations. And because Will dressed me.
KAREN: Thank you all for being here today. This was one of Stan's favorite spots. He spent many an afternoon doing cannonballs off of the side of this boat. He destroyed an entire ecosystem, and created that small chain of islands. Oh, Stanley... [KAREN PUTS HER HANDS IN THE ASHES.]
[A BAGPIPE BEGINS PLAYING "AMAZING RACE."]
KAREN: I'd give anything to be with you again. One more dance, one more kiss. One more night in our box at the opera, giggling at the frightened faces of the people sitting below us.
KAREN: [CRYING] But I guess that's never going to happen...again-- [KAREN SOBS] Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Uh, I think I need to do this by myself. Would that be okay?
JACK: Sure, Kare. We'll go open a bottle of champagne and drink a toast to Stan's memory.
[WILL, JACK, AND GRACE WALK UP THE LADDER TO THE TOP DECK, INTO THE LOUNGE.]
WILL: Grace, maybe you want to slip into a coconut bikini.
GRACE: Yeah, speaking of coconuts, how 'bout a longer bathing suit? I've been going like this all morning. [GRACE WINCES AND COVERS HER EYES.]
KAREN: You can go too, Ro-Ro.
[ROSARIO STOPS PLAYING THE BAGPIPES AND TAKES A COUPLE OF DEEP BREATHS.]
ROSARIO: I'll be inside if you need me.
[ROSARIO EXITS INSIDE, TO THE LOUNGE.]
KAREN: I don't know what I'm gonna do without ya, Stanley.
LORRAINE: [WALKING OUT ONTO THE DECK] I don't know what I'm gonna do without him, either.
KAREN: Wh--? How the hell did you get here, Dame Judi Wench?
LORRAINE: I made a deal with your driver. He promised to let me stowaway in his cabin if I'd let him stowaway in my capri pants.
KAREN: Good Lord. How many men are we going to share? Get the hell outta here!
LORRAINE: Look, I just came here to say one last good-bye to Stanley. And to give him this.
[LORRAINE OPENS A WOODEN BOX.]
KAREN: Oh, my God. It's, it's Stanley's favorite toupee.
[KAREN PULLS A LARGE HAIR PIECE OUT OF THE BOX.]
LORRAINE: I knew he couldn't rest in peace without his piece.
KAREN: His mother gave him this for his sweet 16. Thank you. I know that he would have wanted to have this.
LORRAINE: Perhaps in the next world, they can convince him to wash it. [CRYING] Oh, God, I'm gonna miss him.
KAREN: [CRYING] Me too.
LORRAINE: Would you like to--
KAREN: No, that's okay. You do it.
[KAREN GIVES LORRAINE THE TOUPEE. SHE TAKES A BREATH AND THROWS IT.]
LORRAINE: Wow.
KAREN: Oh.
LORRAINE: You get some air under that thing, it really moves.
[THE TOUPEE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND LANDS IN THE WATER.]
SCENE VI: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Lounge
(GRACE is leaning back in a chair drinking champagne. WILL and JACK are dancing to "The Tide Is High" by Blondie.)
JACK: Ah, the sea life. Isn't it romantic? I wish we both had dates.
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: Or if only one of us could have a date, I wish it was me.
WILL: What's the matter, Grace? You okay?
GRACE: I was just thinking about what a shmuck I was. Leo's not gonna cheat on me. I mean, look at me. I'm a freakin' bombshell.
[GRACE BEGINS TO PICK AT HER TEETH WITH HER FINGER.]
WILL: Yes, I believe it was Rita Hayworth who said, "a woman is only as beautiful as the amount of food she keeps in her teeth."
GRACE: I am a bombshell. I'm gonna go visit the poop deck, if you know what I mean.
[GRACE EXITS THE LOUNGE ONTO THE DECK.]
JACK: This place is dead. What should we do?
WILL: I believe there's a new gay bar that just opened up right over there.
JACK: Let's go.
[JACK AND WILL DANCE OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LOUNGE.]
BLONDIE: [SINGING] The tide is high but I'm holding on. I'm gonna be your number one....
SCENE VII: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Aft Deck
(LORRAINE and KAREN are standing on the deck quietly holding hands. They've dumped both cans of ashes into the sea.)
LORRAINE: I like holding your hand. It's almost as soft as Stanley's.
KAREN: You know, for a scheming, husband-stealing, skanky whore, you're good people. Listen, I know you've kind of fallen on hard times since Stanley left you nothing in his will. Is there anything I can do for ya?
LORRAINE: Well, you can start by giving me some of that bloody money.
[KAREN AND LORRAINE BOTH LAUGH HARD.]
KAREN: Good one!
LORRAINE: I'm not kidding.
KAREN: Huh?
LORRAINE: What?
KAREN: Forget it!
LORRAINE: Why not?
KAREN: Well for starters, I don't know how you'd even begin to divvy up something like $ 985 million dollars.
[THE SHIPS' ENGINES START AND THE YACHT BEGINS MOVING.]
LORRAINE: Listen, you drunken sea hag, I spent the better part of a year with that man-- Tell him what his feet look like, Tell him what his knees look like-- I deserve something.
KAREN: You deserve something. Hmm. Well, how about I let you keep screwing my driver? Oh, and do me a favor, don't kill him. We need to get home.
[KAREN TURNS SHARPLY AND WALKS OFF, WITH LORRAINE FOLLOWING HER.]
SCENE VIII: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Lounge
(WILL and JACK are sitting on the couch drinking champagne. They are very happy.)
WILL: Ooh, oh! I love this song!
[WILL PICKS UP THE REMOTE AND TURNS UP THE STEREO. "CROCODILE ROCK" BY ELTON JOHN IS PLAYING.]
WILL: [SINGING ALONG] Crocodile rocking is something shocking when your feet just can't keep still.
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING ALONG] I never knew me a better time, and I guess I never will.
[KAREN AND LORRAINE WALK ONTO THE DECK BEHIND THE LOUNGE. THEY ARE ARGUING, BUT CAN'T BE HEARD.]
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING ALONG] Oh, lawdy mama those friday nights when Suzie wore her dresses tight.
[KAREN AND LORRAINE BEGIN PUSHING EACH OTHER.]
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING ALONG] And the crocodile rocking was out of sight.
[LORRAINE PUSHES KAREN OVERBOARD!]
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING ALONG] La....
ROSARIO: Miss Karen! [ROSARIO DIVES OFF THE BACK OF THE BOAT]
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING ALONG] La la la la la... La la la la la...
SCENE IX: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Lounge
(The next morning. DRIVER is making coffee. GRACE sleepily walks in and sits down on the couch.)
GRACE: Mornin', Driver.
DRIVER: Ma'am, I think your husband left his bag.
[DRIVER HANDS GRACE A DUFFEL BAG.]
GRACE: Oh, this is Leo's. Thank you, Driver.
[DRIVER EXITS THE LOUNGE.]
GRACE: Shoot. Hope there's nothing in here that he needs.
[GRACE OPENS THE DUFFEL BAG. SHE PULLS OUT AN ENVELOPE LAYING ON TOP.]
GRACE: "To Leo"? This looks private.
[GRACE LOOKS AT IT FOR A BIT, LOOKS AROUND, THEN TEARS IT OPEN.]
[GRACE PULLS OUT A LETTER AND BEGINS READING IT TO HERSELF...]
DANIELLE'S VOICE: Leo, we're going to be spending a lot of time together in the next few weeks, and I have to say something in this letter I could never say to you in person. I want you.
GRACE: Oh...my...God.
DANIELLE'S VOICE: You have to know that you can have me whenever, wherever. And when that time comes, know that I am going to--
[THE STEAMSHIP HORN BLOWS LOUDLY]
DANIELLE'S VOICE: Until you beg me to stop. I can't wait. Love, Danielle.
[GRACE CRUMPLES UP THE LETTER.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] That bitch. [YELLING] Driver, hang a right! We're going to Guatemala!
SCENE X: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", Will and Jack's Cabin
(The cabin has two twin beds. JACK's bed is empty. WILL is asleep in his bed, but is awaken by the steamship horn.)
WILL: Ugh.
WILL: [LOOKS AT THE EMPTY BED] Jack? God, my head is killing me.
[JACK SITS UP FROM UNDER WILL'S BLANKET.]
JACK: Oh, me too.
[WILL AND JACK FREEZE AND TURN AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER.]
WILL AND JACK: [SCREAMING] Aah!
