SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are sanding a baby cradle.)
JACK: So this was Will's cradle.
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: You and your chubby little cheeks.
WILL: Ha.
JACK: A little wisp of hair on top.
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: Hey, what'd you look like as a baby?
WILL: I'll have you know, I was an extremely pretty child. Not that there's any photographs to prove that. I was the youngest of three. By then my parents were like, "He's walking. Should we get the camera? Nah. I'll remember it."
JACK: So this is fun. Fixin' stuff. Sandin' things.
WILL: Uh-huh.
JACK: Workin' up a sweat.
WILL: Hmm.
JACK: Makes me feel like a man.
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: No, seriously, I'd like a man after we're done.
WILL: Grace is gonna love this. It's gonna mean so much more, 'cause I worked on it with my own hands. Just like I did with the new kitchen.
JACK: You gonna pay someone to come in and finish it?
WILL: Yep, just like I did with the new kitchen.
JACK: You know what's even better than being carpenters? Bein' The Carpenters.
WILL: Jack.
JACK: [SINGING] On the day that you born the angels got together...
WILL: Jack, stop it. Come on, we gotta finish this.
JACK AND WILL (Both): [SINGING] And decided to create a dream come true—
[JACK AND WILL BEGIN DANCING AND SINGING.]
JACK AND WILL (Both): [SINGING] so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair--
JACK AND WILL (Both): [SINGING] and golden starlight in your eyes of blue!
WILL: And I wonder why I'm still single.
JACK: Oh, speaking of which-- Hey, I got a surprise for you. I got us some twins for tonight. One's cute, one's smart, one's straight, one's gay. Just like us.
WILL: You're sure it was twins, and not just one guy taking his glasses on and off?
JACK: [THINKING] Oh, yeah.
WILL: Anyway, I can't. Grace and I are really focused on this baby right now. And we've made an agreement--no dating.
[CUT TO GRACE AND LEO ON A DATE.]
GRACE: This is the best date ever.
LEO: I thought you were getting bored around 4:00, and then I thought, "Well, why would you be bored? I'm a catch."
GRACE: So, Leo, being a "doctah"... You must hate it when people hit you up for free medical advice, huh?
LEO: Yeah, yeah I do. It's the worst. Whaddya need?
GRACE: Sometimes I taste pennies... You know, in my mouth. That's like a stroke thing, right?
LEO: It can be. Let me ask you something. This is where you're gonna see the whole doctor thing start working. Do you keep your mints in your change purse?
GRACE: I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed.
[LEO LEANS IN TOWARDS GRACE; SHE LEANS IN AND KISSES HIM, THEN REALIZES THAT HE WAS JUST REACHING FOR HIS SWEATER.]
GRACE: Until now. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I thought you were, y'know--
LEO: Yeah.
GRACE: Leanin' in to--
LEO: I--was just grabbin'-- grabbin' my-- my sweater.
[GRACE SIGHS.]
LEO: I--I can, uh, put it back and, uh, grab it again, if you want me to.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(Later. WILL and JACK are taking a break from sanding.)
WILL: Can I ask you something?
JACK: Ooh, serious voice. Let me do my Oprah listening pose.
[JACK SITS ON THE COUCH AND POSES LIKE OPRAH.]
WILL: You know Grace is gonna be inseminated again in a few days, and I really think we're gonna get pregnant this time. And if we do, I just want to make sure that our child is surrounded by...good people.
JACK: I hear ya... Bye.
[JACK GETS UP TO LEAVE.]
WILL: No, Jack. Jack, I'm asking you to be my kid's godfather. Well, or, rather, his-- his fairy godfather.
JACK: Oh, my-- Oh, my God! I'd be honored. I'd be moved. That pays, what? Like $100, $200 a week?
WILL: It pays nothing.
JACK: Well, then, I'm just honored.
WILL: Okay.
[GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, guys.
WILL: Hey! Look at this! It's my cradle, from when I was a baby. My mom sent it over. Along with a baby picture that says, "Second or third child, March '70" with a question mark.
GRACE: Huh.
WILL: Jack and I are gonna have it painted. Pink if it's a girl, and hot pink if it's a boy.
JACK: And flannel if it's a lesbian.
WILL: So, what do you think? Do you love it? Are you gonna cry? Do you need a tissue?
GRACE: [INDIFFERENT] It's cute. I can't believe you ever fit in there. 'Night, guys.
[GRACE EXITS INTO HER BEDROOM.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Wow. You'd think Grace could show a little appreciation. I mean, I've been working my gay dad ass off all day. I sanded this cradle... partially. You know, I even child-proofed the kitchen cabinets.
JACK: Yeah, uh, about that--
WILL: I'll show you how to open them later. What's up with her?
JACK: Ugh, Will. Do you know nothing about the "wimmins"? They don't respond to pressure.
WILL: I'm not pressuring her.
JACK: Oh, my God! You're all about the pressure! The baby's not even here yet, and you're already making Grace feel like a bad mother. There's plenty of time for that after the baby gets here. That's not what she needs now. And I should know. I am a mother.
WILL: You're a father.
JACK: Oh, difference of one letter. This is the time you gotta stop focusing on the baby and focus on her. Pamper her. Buy her somethin'. And buy me something, too, 'cause I just worked my ass off caring.
[JACK TUGS AT A KITCHEN CABINET.]
JACK: [WHINING] Will, help me. It's hard.
[WILL OPENS THE CABINET FOR JACK.]
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk thumbing through a magazine when GRACE enters.)
GRACE: [SIGHS] Sorry I'm late. I was caught on the 'F' Train. Or as I now call it, the F-ing Train.
KAREN: Oh, honey, is this another one of your fantasy stories about how people travel beneath the city in a secret underground network of tunnels and trains. [KAREN SCOFFS]
GRACE: Yeah. Yeah. It's almost as crazy as the stories I tell you about those mythical places in the desert, where people go to stop drinking.
[KAREN POINTS TO A BOUQUET OF ROSEES ON GRACE'S DESK.]
KAREN: Oh, hey. Somebody got some flowers, huh? Or as I like to call them, poor people's jewelry.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE CARD.]
GRACE: Oh, God. They're from Leo. Please, let the card be dumb. Please, let him quote an Eagles song lyric or put a happy face over an "I". Anything.
[GRACE READS THE CARD.]
GRACE: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh. It's literate and delightful.
KAREN: Who? Huh? What's this? Is this someone you met in your "underground city"?
GRACE: Leo. [KAREN SHAKES HER HEAD] Jewish doctor guy?
KAREN: Oh.
GRACE: I went out with him. He's so... amazing, but I'm supposed to get inseminated tomorrow. God, it's just--it's all just happening so fast.
KAREN: Honey, what's the big deal? Just tell Wilma you need a little more time to see what's happening with cute doctor Jew.
GRACE: I can't ask for more time. We're not supposed to be dating. Will's head will explode.
KAREN: Honey, it will not. He cares about ya. He wants you to be happy.
GRACE: You think?
KAREN: No. Oh! But if you buy him a present, it might soften the blow.
GRACE: No, that'll never work.
KAREN: Well, sure it will, honey. The gays love their presents. Yeah, just wave something shiny in front of their faces, you can get whatever you want. That's how we got Manhattan from the gay Indians.
GRACE: [SCOFFS] Ugh. Damn it. If only I hadn't kissed Leo. Two weeks ago, I wanted this baby more than anything. And--and now, I'm just-- I'm just so confused.
KAREN: Honey, what is the problem? It was just a kiss.
GRACE: Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand. It was a really good kiss.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Sh-yeah! Show me.
GRACE: No.
KAREN: Show me.
GRACE: No.
KAREN: Come on. We're both stoned.
GRACE: Forget it.
KAREN: Shut up and show me.
[GRACE GRABS KAREN AND KISSES HER LIKE LEO DID EARLIER.]
KAREN: Yeah, you're screwed.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL is wrapping a gift and trying to curl a ribbon with a pair of scissors.)
WILL: That's not a curl. That is not a curl. Now that's a curl. God, there's so many things I want to teach my son.
[GRACE ENTERS, CARRYING A GIFT BAG.]
GRACE: Oh... Good. You're here. Um, hi. Listen. There's--there's something I need to talk to you about. And it's-- it's kind of important.
WILL: Yeah? Is it more important than... [IMITATING A GAME SHOW HOST] this gift I got you?
GRACE: I think it is, but give it to me anyway.
[WILL GIVES GRACE THE GIFT.]
GRACE: Oh, my God! The wrapping is so beautiful! All these beads and glitter. Add a couple of spaghetti straps and a hint of butt crack, and it's an Academy Awards gown!
WILL: Hmm. Well, I'm not some thoughtless schlub that just gives a gift in the bag it came in. I'm not an animal.
GRACE: Ha, ha, ha. I got you something too.
[GRACE HANDS WILL A GIFT IN A STORE GIFT BAG.]
WILL: Oh.
GRACE: Let's open it together!
WILL: All right, well, you may need scissors to get through that, because--
[WILL TURNS TO HEAR PAPER TEARING AND GRACE ALREADY HAS THE GIFT UNWRAPPED.]
GRACE: Oh, my God! I love it!
WILL: How did you do that? I used double-sided tape and glue!
GRACE: I used unmanicured nails and that one jaggedy tooth I never got fixed. Oh, a foot massager. This is so sweet of you. Thank you. Okay, now open mine.
WILL: Okay. [SARCASTICALLY] It's so beautiful, I almost don't want to unstaple it.
GRACE: Just open it.
[WILL OPENS THE BAG AND PULLS THE GIFT OUT.]
WILL: Wow, a--a personal cooling system.
[WILL FANS HIMSELF WITH THE BOX.]
WILL: Hey, it works!
GRACE: You know how I am always the perfect temperature, and you are always freakishly hot? Well, the salesman said put this on, and you will freeze your nipples off. And it's true, 'cause there's a spare pair in the box.
[GRACE TAKES IT OUT OF THE BOX AND PUTS IT AROUND HIS NECK.]
WILL: Wow! That's great! Can't wait to use that at the beach. You know? Me and my billabongs, with a metal collar around my neck. Should attract an interesting subset of gay men.
GRACE: Okay, okay. Look, if you don't like it, you can always exchange it for those turbo nose hair trimmers that you always make fun of but secretly want.
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: Come on. I hear the sobbing from the bathroom every time you go at that jungle with the tweezers. Go ahead, exchange it.
WILL: Hey, hey, yo hey, pretty. Does this look like the face of someone who doesn't like his gift?
GRACE: I love that we don't need a reason to buy each other presents!
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: So I've gotta talk to you about something. I know... that we are... supposed to get inseminated tomorrow. But the last couple of weeks, um-- everything just seems to be moving so fast. And I just wish that I had just-- just a little more time, because, um-- God, this is so hard.
WILL: Sweetie, I think I know what you're gonna say.
GRACE: You do?
WILL: Yes. I'm rushing things. God, you're not even pregnant yet, and I'm way ahead of myself. By the way, our kid's on the waiting list for Dalton. So-- [WILL CROSSES HIS FINGERS.]
GRACE: Will--
WILL: I know, I know. I've been putting way too much pressure on, so let's-- let's wait a month. Take a little breather. That's not gonna change anything. I mean, I certainly ain't got nothin' better goin' on. And we know you don't, right? [CHUCKLES]
GRACE: Right.
WILL: Great. Great. So we're cool. I know I am. Ha ha ha! Oh, there go the nipples.
SCENE V: The Sharper Image
(WILL and JACK are sitting in reclining massage chairs playing a video game.)
JACK: So how'd Grace like the gift? Did she get all emotional? Did she cry like a boy?
WILL: Yeah. She loved it. You know Grace and her feet. They're almost inseparable. And she gave me something too-- A great present.
JACK: The one we're here to return?
WILL: That's the one.
JACK: Gonna trade it for those turbo nose hair trimmers?
WILL: No! Anyway, thanks for the advice. You really helped.
JACK: You don't have to thank me, Will. I'll be rewarded in a better place. Oh, look, we're in a better place. Reward me!
WILL: Why don't you roll over in that massage chair and reward yourself.
[WILL TAKES THE BAG TO THE SALESMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER.]
WILL: Hi.
SALESMAN: Can I help you?
WILL: I'd like to exchange this.
SALESMAN: Would ya like to look at our catalog?
WILL: No. I pretty much know what I want. Um... I'm a gardener. And I garden in these--these little holes the size of-- of, uh, well, nostrils. And I just--I need something that I can really get in there and--and dig out all that extra, uh, foliage.
SALESMAN: Well, we have these nose hair trimmers--
WILL: Nose hair trimmers! Wow, that hadn't occurred to me. Well, if you think it'll work in my garden.
SALESMAN: I'll have someone get them. God, I'd hate to be behind you when you're buying condoms.
[WILL WALKS OVER TO JACK.]
JACK: Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion. 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
WILL: Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the Y was revoked? [JACK SHUSHES WILL.]
JACK: Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
[JACK MOTIONS TOWARDS THE COUNTER. IT'S LEO MARKUS TALKING TO THE SALESMAN.]
WILL: I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
JACK: Oh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.
LEO: [TO THE SALESMAN] Yeah, I'd like to, uh, exchange this foot massager. My girlfriend got it as a gift, and she was gonna return it herself, but she's kind of embarrassed 'cause she thinks her feet are kinda big. I happen to think she has great feet. I offered to do it for her 'cause I'm trying to impress her. Say, what is it about you that makes people just wanna open up?
[THE SALESMAN ROLLS HIS EYES.]
JACK: Uh-oh. Your horse guy's straight, Will.
WILL: He's talking about Grace.
JACK: Ooh, then maybe there's hope.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is home alone when KAREN enters.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, I didn't sleep a wink all night. I don't know if it was worrying about you, or those Mexican amphetamines I've been taking, but... I have to know what happened with Will. How'd he like his gift?
GRACE: Oh, he loved it.
KAREN: Oh.
GRACE: And he said he'd-- he'd give me some more time.
KAREN: Honey, that's great. So I helped someone. Hopefully, this will count toward my community service. I'm sick of pickin' up trash in the park with that kid from "The Sopranos."
GRACE: The only thing is, is I may have accidentally lied a little. I didn't tell him about Leo.
KAREN: Now, Grace--what have I always told you about lying?
GRACE: That it's good.
[KAREN NODS.]
GRACE: But it didn't feel right. I've got tell Will the truth-- the whole truth.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, maybe it's for the best. Then you and I can move on with our lives. Out in the open to love freely.
GRACE: Karen, we're not a couple.
KAREN: Aren't we?
GRACE: No.
KAREN: Well, all I know is when I woke up this morning, there was red hair on my pillow and lesbian porn in the VCR.
[KAREN RUNS HER HAND THROUGH GRACE'S HAIR, AND SMACKS HER OWN BOTTOM. GRACE TAKES A STEP BACK.]
[WILL AND JACK ENTER.]
JACK: Hey, ladies.
GRACE: Hey, hey.
KAREN: Hey, ladies.
WILL: My feet are killing me. We just walked like 30 blocks.
GRACE: Oh. Can I get ya something to drink?
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] She's buttering him up. She didn't tell him about Leo.
WILL: Ya know what I'd really like? Where's that new foot massager?
JACK: [QUIETLY TO KAREN] He's setting her up. He knows about Leo.
GRACE: You don't need the electric massager. I will rub your feet.
WILL: No, no, get it. I wanna try it.
GRACE: Look, Will, I don't--I don't-- I don't have the massager, okay?
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] She gave it to her guy. He's a really good kisser.
JACK: [QUIETLY TO KAREN] How good a kisser?
WILL: What happened to it? Did your boyfriend take it back to The Sharper Image?
GRACE: He's not my-- How did you know about that?
WILL: I saw him there when I was returning that stupid personal cooling system.
GRACE: You returned the personal cooling system? Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't like it?
WILL: I don't know. Why didn't you tell me you wanted more time because of some guy?
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Hey, you want me to show you?
JACK: [QUIETLY TO KAREN] Show me.
KAREN: Okay.
[KAREN KISSES JACK.]
WILL AND GRACE (BOTH): [TO JACK AND KAREN] Get out!
JACK: [TO KAREN] Damn, Leo's good.
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT.]
GRACE: I'm sorry. I was going to tell you. I started to tell you. And then you were so understanding. And then there were gifts and curled ribbons--
WILL: Grace, Grace, bottom line. Do you wanna have this baby with me, or not?
GRACE: You said I could have more time.
WILL: That was before I found out you were sneakin' around behind my back. If you wanna back outta this, back out now. I don't wanna have this conversation again in a month like we did with the cabinets. [MOCKING GRACE] "I like the nickel pulls. No, I like the brass pulls. Oh, no, I like the nickel pulls again." Make up your friggin' mind!
GRACE: So what you're saying is, if I don't do it tomorrow, you don't want to do it at all?
WILL: That's right, Grace. It's now or never.
GRACE: Well, if that's the case, I guess I have to go with never.
WILL: Oh, I can't believe this! This is only the most important thing we've ever done together, and you flake out on me? I don't know why that's surprising. You're a flake!
GRACE: I am not a flake!
WILL: Oh, please. The dinners you blow off, the dry cleaning you forget to pick up, the rent that's late every month, and it's always been this way, Grace. You skipped out on my law school graduation party before I cut the cake. That was a big deal.
GRACE: It was carrot cake! That's never a big deal!
WILL: But I always let it go, Grace, because it's not like we're making a baby or something. Except this time, we're making a baby!
GRACE: Yes, at the moment you say, the place you say, wearing the clothes you say. You are a control freak! All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going.
WILL: Oh, let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks, because--I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E! Or he'll end up hating you, because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then, magically, you'll be ready to have a baby!
GRACE: Wow. So that's what you think of me. Look, I'm sorry that I met someone, 'cause I know how much you hate it when I'm happy.
WILL: Oh, that is such a load--
GRACE: Admit it. You're happiest when I'm miserable. I mean, come on. Isn't that our thing? Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are.
WILL: Shut up, Grace!
GRACE: But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy, and if you can't deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought!
WILL: Get out of here.
GRACE: Go to hell!
WILL: I want you out of here in two weeks! You don't live here anymore.
[to be continued...]
