SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(JACK and KAREN are leaning into Grace's bathroom door while WILL looks on. GRACE is inside the bathroom.)
KAREN: I don't hear a baby crying. She must still be in labor.
WILL: She's not giving birth, you nitwit. She's taking a pregnancy test. Here.
[WILL PULLS KAREN OUT OF THE WAY.]
WILL: [INTO THE DOOR] Sweet, maybe you should try it like the girl on the box. She's--she's arching her back and throwing her arm up and smiling.
GRACE: [THROUGH THE DOOR] I can't do this with all of you listening!
KAREN: Oh.
WILL: All right, we're moving.
[WILL, JACK, AND KAREN MARCH IN PLACE, PRETENDING TO MOVE FROM THE DOOR.]
WILL: We're in the kitchen now.
KAREN: Ooh, such a long walk!
JACK: So far! All the way.
GRACE: [THROUGH THE DOOR] That's the worst fake moving I've ever heard!
WILL: [TO KAREN] C'mon.
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey! Don't get all cozy with me, Wilma! I'm still mad at you! You shoulda told me Stan was gettin' outta the hoosegow.
WILL: Hey. Who knew he was gonna cut some deal with the Feds? The only reason I found out was I saw the full-page ad in the New York Times: "Welcome back, Stan. Love, your friends at Pizza Hut." Wait...he didn't find out about your affair, did he?
KAREN: No. Thank God my boobs are like arms. I was able to distract Stan with one of them, while the other one motioned for Lionel to get out the door!
JACK: [INTO THE DOOR] C'mon, Grace! You peed on everything else in that bathroom! Why don't you just put the stick at the bottom of the shower?
[GRACE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
GRACE: Hey, Jack... C'mere. [GRACE MOTIONS FOR JACK TO MOVE CLOSER] Stop bothering me.
[GRACE SLAPS JACK ACROSS THE FACE AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
WILL: Jack, if there's somewhere else you need to be...
JACK: Hey, what could possibly be more important than my best friends creating a new life?
[JACK'S WATCH ALARM BEEPS]
JACK: Oops, time to stalk Kevin Bacon!
[JACK RUNS OUT.]
SCENE II: Outside Kevin Bacon's House
(JACK is in the bushes with a pair of binoculars, peering into Kevin Bacon's house. He has a tape recorder and is speaking into it.)
JACK: Kevin Bacon's stalker log, 6 PM eastern stalker time. My heart is racing and so am I. Moving in for a closer look!
[JACK RUNS UP TO THE WINDOW, WHICH IS OPEN A CRACK.]
JACK: Hmm, new plant in living room. Must be gift from studio wooing "La Bacon" to do Hollow Man II. Note to self: See if I can get a job applying body makeup.
[JACK PUSHES UP THE WINDOW. HE FEELS THE DRAPES.]
JACK: Satin! Soft! Manly! Must remember this for fantasy dream later!
[JACK FALLS INTO THE WINDOW AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR.]
[KEVIN BACON ENTERS THE ROOM, TALKING ON THE PHONE.]
KEVIN: [INTO PHONE] Honey, I got it!
[JACK RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES.]
JACK: Abort! Abort! Abort!
[JACK DIVES BEHIND A CHAIR.]
KEVIN: [INTO PHONE] Kyra! Kyra! I gotta go... because my hair's almost dry, and if it gets too dry, then I can't put the gel in it. Well, then it won't look good! And now it's too late and it's dry. Thanks a lot.
[KEVIN WALKS TOWARDS THE WINDOW AND JACK QUICKLY CRAWLS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM BEHIND A COUCH.]
KEVIN: [INTO PHONE] Look, babe, I--I gotta go. I'm interviewing assistants! Hey, you're not the only busy one, okay? Yeah. [YELLING INTO THE OTHER ROOM] Guys? Come on in. We'll do it in here.
[THREE YOUNG INTERVIEWEES ENTER THE LIVING ROOM. AS THEY PASS THE COUCH, JACK QUICKLY STANDS AND FOLLOWS THEM IN.]
KEVIN: [INTO PHONE] I'll call you later. Okay, I love you too. Bye.
[KEVIN HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KEVIN: Look, um, uh, I--I-- feel like I should tell ya I-I've never had a personal assistant before, okay? See, I've never bought into that whole Hollywood thing, you know? Premieres, limos, paying people over minimum wage. And it's not because I'm cheap, okay? It's just that I'm not Hollywood. I'm in a band.
JACK: [JUMPS UP, EXCITEDLY] The Bacon Brothers! That's the name of his band! He's in a band. It's called the Bacon Brothers.
KEVIN: Right. Very good. Very good. You're right. And by the way, if anybody wants a CD, there's a bunch of them in a shoebox on the dryer. They're, uh, 12 bucks. Please, sit.
[ALL FOUR SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH.]
KEVIN: So... I was thinkin', instead of doing some boring interview, it might be better to kinda find out what you know about me. I'm sorry, that sounds vain... me and my career.
JACK: [JUMPS UP, EXCITEDLY] First film-- Animal House! Character's name in Footloose-- Ren MacCormack! Number of films with full frontal nudity...four! Number of films with full sidal nudity...three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!
KEVIN: Wow...impressive.
JACK: [BREATHLESSLY] Thank you!
KEVIN: The rest of you can go. You know nothing about me.
[JACK GASPS.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch staring at a butter dish on the coffee table.)
WILL: I gotta see the result.
GRACE: No! No, we've gotta wait for the timer.
WILL: This is such a huge moment!
GRACE: Two huge moments. We finally found a use for the butter dish. By the way, we're never using it again.
WILL: I can't wait, I'm looking.
GRACE: No! No!
WILL: Grace! I just--
[WILL REACHES FOR THE BUTTER DISH. GRACE GRABS HIS ARMS AND PINS HIM DOWN ON THE COUCH.]
WILL: Wow. With my fashion sense and your freakish upper body strength, this kid could take over the world!
[A TIMER RINGS.]
WILL: You ready? Yeah. Whew...shoo.
GRACE: Heh.
[WILL OPENS THE TOP OF THE BUTTER DISH.]
[WILL SIGHS.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] The doctor said that it doesn't always work the first time, right?
WILL: That's right, that's right, we'll try again in two weeks. You know, when you're ovulating again.
GRACE: Right. It'll be fun. I like ovulating.
WILL: Heh.
GRACE: You know, I guess I should stop eating for two.
WILL: Nah. Why stop now? You've been doing it since you were 11.
SCENE IV: Kevin Bacon's House
(KEVIN BACON is giving JACK his new job duties.)
KEVIN: Ok, now. I gotta talk to you about something important, okay?
JACK: Okay, um, should we maybe go out and do it in the street so people can see us together? And--and if it leads to a dance, so be it?
KEVIN: Dude, dude, let's get something straight, all right? I didn't hire you to be my pal. You're just here to make sure the S.S. Bacon stays its course.
JACK: So, uh, we're not gonna dance? 'Cause, uh, you kind of implied in the interview there would be some dancin'.
KEVIN: No, I didn't! I did not! And would you stop bringin' that up please? Sit!
[KEVIN AND JACK SIT DOWN.]
KEVIN: This is serious. This is gonna freak you out... but... I have a stalker.
JACK: [GASPS] No! Are you sure?
KEVIN: Damn it! Kyra didn't believe me either! Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I would have a stalker? Just--just find him for me, all right?
JACK: Oh, I'll find me--him! And when I find him, I am gonna stop me--him.
KEVIN: Okay. But it's not gonna be easy. This guy is slippery. If I had a dollar for every time my jock strap had been stolen from the gym--
JACK: You'd have $186!
[KEVIN LOOKS AT JACK SUSPICIOUSLY.]
JACK: [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] A-heh-heh. It's just an expression!
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE and KAREN are working.)
GRACE: Karen... ya gotta put an end to it with Lionel. I mean, a husband and a lover? I mean, when are you gonna find time to ignore your kids?
KAREN: I know! Honey, I've tried, but every time I go to break up with him he flashes those pearly caps and I end up bent over the minibar.
GRACE: End up? Isn't that where you started?
KAREN: So that's why I sent my number one goon there to break up with him for me.
GRACE: Rosario?
KAREN: Yeah. I kept her tied up outside without food for two days, so she should be extra ornery. Listen, honey, I'm gonna go grab some lunch with some of the other gals from the typing pool. Oh! It's Zoey's birthday. Fran made cupcakes.
[KAREN EXITS.]
GRACE: Sheesh... Cupcakes! Friggin' nutbag.
[LEO ENTERS.]
GRACE: [SING-SONG] Ca-ray-zy!
[LEO KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
LEO: Am I interrupting something?
GRACE: [STARTLED] Oh...oh, no, um, I was just, uh-- I--I--I have an assistant, and she's...
LEO: And… do you see her now?
GRACE: Leo, why are you here?
LEO: I just came by to apologize for putting my phone number in your wallet. I--I--wouldn't have done that if I'd known your situation. Pregnancy. I can say that, I'm...a doctor. Heh heh.
GRACE: It's okay. I don't think Emily Post covers leaving a note for a woman who's pregnant with her gay roommate's baby.
LEO: Oh, I--I didn't know he was gay. I just thought he smelled better than most women. Except you, I mean, you--you smell fantastic.
GRACE: Thank you, it's Will's. Anyway, um, I'm--I'm not pregnant. It didn't take.
LEO: Oh. I'm really sorry.
GRACE: It's okay.
LEO: Well, in that case, maybe this would be a good time to ask you something--
GRACE: Unbelievable! I can't believe that you are hitting on me again!
LEO: I'm not hitting you, conceited! I--I just--you know, wanted to know if you'd, uh, decorate my office.
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
LEO: I-I'm serious, I just wanted to liven up my office a little bit with some of this stuff, you know, like this. [LEO PICKS UP A FABRIC SWATCH] This--this kinda stuff. A couple a these, you know, like--like this...weirdness. [LEO PICKS UP A RUBBER BAND BALL] Does this come in a couch? Because, I tell ya, it's very-- it's-- no, it's nice.
GRACE: Ok, give that!
LEO: Hey, hey, hey!
GRACE: You put that down and-- You just give-- Let me have this!
LEO: No, let-- Give it to me! Hey! I usually don't have to work this hard, you know. I have a nice job. And I'm pretty much gonna have this hair until I'm 80.
[LEO PULLS GRACE IN CLOSE.]
LEO: What do you think?
GRACE: I...just can't right now. So... that means that you have to go now.
LEO: I don't have to go. I've got a transplant at 2:30. But the kidney's in the cooler, so, I—I--
GRACE: Okay, good-bye.
SCENE VI: The Street outside Kevin Bacon's House
(WILL and JACK walking down the street towards Kevin Bacons house.)
JACK: Hold my hand.
WILL: What?
JACK: C'mon, hold my hand.
WILL: [SHRUGS] All right.
[WILL TAKES JACK'S HAND. THEY HOLD HANDS AS THEY WALK DOWN THE SIDEWALK.]
[A MAN PUSHES A BABY IN A CARRIAGE PAST WILL AND JACK.]
WILL: Look at that. That should be me. I can't believe we didn't get pregnant.
JACK: Yeah.
WILL: Maybe my swimmers just weren't ready for the responsibility. I mean, all they ever had to do before was just jump out and go, "whoopee!"
JACK: Or...maybe they're just a little shy, and they need a little encouragement. C'mon, let me help... [SINGING INTO WILL'S CROTCH] Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play. Hey now, you're a rock star--
WILL: I can't believe, in all the time I've known you, that I've had to say this twice, but my penis doesn't enjoy being sung to.
JACK: Kneel down!
[JACK PUSHES WILL DOWN ONTO HIS KNEES.]
WILL: What are you-- I said I'd hold your hand, but I draw the line--
JACK: No, we are stalking Kevin Bacon! Come on! Come on! Get in!
[JACK PULLS WILL INTO THE BUSHES.]
WILL: I thought you were his assistant!
JACK: It turns out he only needed an assistant to find the stalker. If I stop stalking, he doesn't need an assistant. I had to re-stalk to keep my job and realize my dream of dancing with him in a cornfield. Come on, catch up, slow mo!
WILL: This is ridiculous! I swear if I had anything better to do with my life I'd be outta here like a shot!
JACK: I left him a cardboard cutout of himself signed "Nice stalkin' to ya." Let's tune in and see how he reacts.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PAIR OF BINOCULARS AND BEGINS SPYING.]
JACK: Okay, okay. All right, he's seeing it, but he's not-- he's not moving! Oh, my God, it's like something flattened him!
WILL: Perhaps you're looking at the cardboard cutout, dinkus.
[WILL GRABS THE BINOCULARS FROM JACK AND PEERS INTO KEVIN'S APARTMENT.]
[JACK'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
JACK: [ANSWERING PHONE] Fel-low? Oh, hey, Kev. Hey! What's that? Oh, you're breakin' up, where are you? You're outside of your apartment? Huh, wh--? You're standing right next to me? What are you wearin'?
[KEVIN IS SUDDENLY STANDING NEXT TO THE BUSHES.]
KEVIN: What are you doing, man?
[JACK JUMPS UP.]
JACK: [STAMMERING] I--um, I--I--I--I-- I found your stalker!
[JACK POINTS TO WILL AND RUNS OFF DOWN THE STREET.]
WILL: There is a logical explanation for this. [WILL TOUCHES KEVINS ARM.]
KEVIN: And now you're touching me.
WILL: And now I'm touching you.
[KEVIN GRABS WILL BY THE JACKET COLLAR AND DRAGS HIM ACROSS THE STREET.]
WILL: Ooh!
SCENE VII: Karen's Limousine
(KAREN and GRACE are riding in the limo on their way to dinner.)
GRACE: Karen, thanks for taking me out to dinner. I was kind of hoping I'd have a little baby in here, but I guess a little baby back ribs will do.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, honey, it's like the old song goes... anyone deserves a free meal after having Will's sperm inside them.
GRACE: I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."
KAREN: Oh! Pull over right here, Driver!
[THE LIMO SLAMS TO A STOP.]
KAREN: Oh! Rosie's comin' with. She's up there breakin' up with Lionel for me, so I thought I'd take her out too and get this supportive friend thing over with in one trip.
[ROSARIO OPENS THE DOOR AND GETS IN THE LIMO.]
ROSARIO: Oh!
KAREN: Hey, honey, how'd it go?
ROSARIO: I couldn't do it.
KAREN: What?
ROSARIO: What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!
KAREN: Oh, Ro-Ro, ya didn't!
ROSARIO: I did!
KAREN: Ugh.
ROSARIO: I'm only a woman.
KAREN: Well, half of you is. Well, you leave me no choice. I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and, uh, send Grace in there to do it for me.
GRACE: What? No way! I'm not breakin' up with him! I'm just here for the ribs and maybe some corn on the side. This is your responsibility.
KAREN: No, no, honey I can't! You don't know what it's like to turn away somebody who is irresistible!
GRACE: [SCOFFS] Don't I? I just met the perfect guy. He's cute and smart and funny. His worst qualities are that he's a Jewish doctor! But I made a promise to Will, so... I turned him down.
ROSARIO: Is Will still gay?
GRACE: Yes.
ROSARIO: Idiot.
GRACE: Hey!
KAREN: No, no. Grace is right. We made commitments to our husbands. Nothing's more important than that. I'm just gonna have to march up there and tell Lionel, "You're sleazy and shameless. I hate that, and we're through!"
[CUT TO LIONEL'S HOTEL ROOM.]
KAREN: You're sleazy and shameless! I like that, but we're through!
LIONEL: You're my one true love!
KAREN: But you're not mine! I love Stan! Stan loves ham...ham I am! Good-bye!
[KAREN EXITS. ROSARIO ENTERS.]
ROSARIO: Round two.
LIONEL: Aye, Chihuahua!
SCENE VIII: Kevin Bacon's House
(KEVIN is interrogating WILL.)
WILL: Look, it's not me. Okay? Jack's your stalker! I mean, after he saw you in Apollo 13, he went to every video store in Manhattan trying to find Apollo’s 1 through 12!
KEVIN: Come on, hot shot. There are no cops here, all right? It's just you and me. Two regular joes. Me...a Golden Globe nominee for The River Wild... and you, a guy who just happened to be outside my apartment with binoculars.
WILL: I admit that looks bad, but you've gotta believe me! I just...I don't care that much about you.
KEVIN: Oh, really? Then explain this!
[KEVIN PULLS OUT THE LIFE-SIZE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF HIMSELF.]
KEVIN: Go ahead, kiss it. I know you want to! And by the way, the Golden Globe nom was a total surprise, but it really meant something, you know, 'cause it's not from your peers, it's from the Hollywood Foreign Press.
WILL: It's not me!
KEVIN: I think it is!
WILL: I'm leaving!
KEVIN: Please don't go!
WILL: What?
KEVIN: Stay! Come on, we'll-- we'll split a Shasta, we'll--we'll bust open a box of Hydrox! Whatdya say, cap'n?
WILL: I'm no expert, but shouldn't you be calling the police rather than offering me snacks and calling me "cap'n"?
KEVIN: Look, when the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. It's a little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
WILL: You--you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
KEVIN: No, but Val was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom was in A Few Good Men with me. Huh, that was a short one.
WILL: Your fans are never gonna leave you, you're a great actor. You're lookin' good, your hair's workin'. You've got the waist of a 14-year-old girl... I mean, look at that, that's crazy!
KEVIN: [BLUSHING] Oh, stop. What--what--what-- what was your favorite Kevin Bacon performance?
WILL: Oh, wow...I don't--I don't know, I--I loved you in Footloose.
KEVIN: Oh, yeah, you saw that?
WILL: Yeah.
KEVIN: Any other faves?
WILL: No, actually, that's the only one I liked. But--but, I--I liked it a lot. You know, I even, uh-- learned the dance, you know, for our high school talent contest.
KEVIN: Did you win?
WILL: Nah. I got a nom. But it meant a lot because it didn't come from my peers, it came from the gay head of the drama department.
KEVIN: Could you, uh, do it for me now?
WILL: I don't know, it's kinda weird. I don't even know if I remember it. And besides, there isn't even any, uh--
[KEVIN CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE: CLAP CLAP! "FOOTLOOSE" BY KENNY LOGGINS BEGINS PLAYING.]
[WILL BEGINS DANCING LIKE KEVIN BACON IN FOOTLOOSE.]
KEVIN: It's a little more arms.
[KEVIN GETS UP AND BEGINS DANCING WITH WILL.]
[JACK ENTERS AND GASPS.]
JACK: Stop it! Enough! Stop it! Stop it!
[JACK CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE: CLAP CLAP! AND THE MUSIC STOPS.]
JACK: You shouldn't be dancing with him! He's not your stalker; your stalker's still at large!
KEVIN: But you fingered this guy!
JACK: I did not! We were just holding hands! Your stalker's been throwing pebbles at your window for the last 15 minutes. Or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud!
KEVIN: You...you're my stalker.
JACK: I prefer the term "professional crazed fan." A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts! Go get yourself a new assistant! If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.
KEVIN: Hey, man, I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. I don't know how I can make it up to you.
[WILL CLAPS: CLAP CLAP! "FOOTLOOSE" BEGINS PLAYING.]
KEVIN: Five, six, seven, eight!
[WILL AND KEVIN BEGIN DANCING AGAIN.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL is watching TV when GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Hey.
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: What are you doin'?
WILL: You would not believe the night I had. Kevin Bacon caught me in the bushes outside his apartment, and we ended up dancing together!
GRACE: I thought Jack was stalking him.
WILL: Yeah, he was, but then I was for a little bit. I can't wait to tell our kid that his dad danced with Kevin Bacon.
GRACE: Well, that should save you the trouble of telling him you're gay.
WILL: Do you realize that in two weeks, that kid could be on his way?
GRACE: Yeah. Two weeks.
WILL: Ooh, I've gotta get over to Jack's. Quicksilver's on WE. Women's Entertainment. Wheee!
[WILL EXITS.]
[GRACE PULLS OUT THE BUSINESS CARD AND DIALS THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [INTO THE PHONE] Leo, hey. It's Grace Adler from the lamppost and the horse and the coffee shop and my office. Listen, um... call me.
