SCENE I: The Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
(Will and Grace are in the holding room to see Stanley Walker. They are waiting for Jack and Karen.)
GRACE: I know prison's supposed to be a deterrent, but does it have to be such a downer? It's so gross and scary.
WILL: Oh, that reminds me. Those Whitney Houston tickets go on sale tomorrow morning.
JACK: (Entering) Hi. Sorry I'm late. My underwire kept setting off the metal detector.
GRACE: Where's Karen?
JACK: Oh, she couldn't make it. She said, um, she had, uh, how did she put it? Something better to do.
WILL: I can't believe it. We're here to visit her husband, and she can't show up? I've got better things to do, too!
GRACE: Like what? What do you have to do?
WILL: I--I was gonna experiment with--with... parting my hair differently.
JACK: Well, might as well play with it while you got it, heh. (A man notices Grace.)
GLENN: Grace? Grace Adler?
GRACE: Oh, my God! Glenn! Hi! What are you doing here?
GLENN: Oh, I'm just visitin' with a friend of mine who's been havin' a hard time.
GRACE: Oh. (To Jack and Will) Hey-- Hey, guys, this is-- This is Glenn Gabriel. We went to high school together.
GLENN: Well, no. You went to high school. I experimented with my father's antidepressants and played in a band.
GRACE: That's right. You guys were terrific. What were you called again?
GLENN: Suspicious Mole.
GRACE: Suspicious Mole. That's right. Your concerts were hairy. (A prison guard walks up to Will and Jack) Mr. Walker will see you now.
JACK: Hey. Who else you got? Robert Downey in there?
WILL: Jack, this isn't like the pound where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you... Or some gay bar where you can... take home the one that wags his tail at you.
GRACE: Um... You guys-- You guys go ahead. (Quietly to Will) I had such a crush on this guy in high school.
WILL: Mmm. Blot. (Grace blots her lips on Will's jacket) Not on-- Ugh. (Will and Jack follow the guard in to visit Stanley. Grace stays behind with Glenn.)
GRACE: (To Glenn) So, what have-- What have you been up to? Kids? Married? Do you ever see anyone from high school? Married?
GLENN: No, I'm still single. You look... Jeez, you look great. (Grace laughs)
GLENN: No wonder you never went out with me in high school.
GRACE: What? No. I-I-I think it was you who never went out with me. I-- I totally had a crush on you.
GLENN: I had--I had a crush on you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when we sang that Toto song "Rosanna"... I was really singin' about you. (Singing) "Meet you all the way. Grace Adler, yeah." Totally.
GRACE: Really? Wow. You know what? Let's have coffee sometime. When are you free? (The prison guard blows a whistle.)
GUARD: Ok, this room is now closed. Inmates follow me. (Glenn takes Grace's business card.)
GLENN: Uh, in about five to ten. I'll call ya. (Glenn follows the guard and the other prisoners back into the prison.)
SCENE II: Will's apartment
(Grace is wearing a nice polka-dot dress and fixing her hair in the mirror.)
GRACE: (Singing to herself) Meet you all the way Grace Adler, yeah. (Will enters.)
WILL: Well, I had an awful day.
GRACE: I told you those briefs look good, but they bunch up.
WILL: It's not that. Well, it's not just that. I've represented Pace Construction for eight years. Now they're getting sued. It's going to trial, and Doucette takes it away from me 'cause I'm "not a litigator."
GRACE: Oh.
WILL: Where does he get off? Just 'cause I don't do it that much doesn't mean I can't litigate. I can litigate my ass off. (Will pours a drink and slams it down, then starts choking.) How do they do that in movies? Where are you going? You got a date?
GRACE: Kinda.
WILL: When is he gonna pick you up?
GRACE: In about five to ten years.
WILL: Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?
GRACE: He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white collar real estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.
WILL: Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?
GRACE: Come on... In high school, he was so weird and cool... He was in a Jewish gang...
WILL: What is that, exactly? They drive by and slash your credit rating? Was he a-- Was he a blood-berg or a crip-stein?
GRACE: I'm telling you, Will, there was something about him. He wore a cape and drove a Vespa. And he always had the prettiest girl riding on the back. I so wanted to be that girl.
WILL: But, Grace, dating a prisoner? My God. You're like one of those women in a polka-dot dress and a floppy hat that bakes brownies for serial killers.
GRACE: I like him. He's nice, and there is nothing weird about what I'm doing. (Grace puts on a floppy hat and sunglasses, picks up her purse and walks out.)
SCENE III: Karen's penthouse, Rosario's bedroom
(Rosario is sitting in bed knitting a sweater when Jack and Karen enter.)
KAREN: Here she is. Where the hell have you been? We've been upstairs for half an hour waitin' for you to turn on the TV.
JACK: Yeah, Rosario. Thanks to you, we missed our show. What if Martha Stewart was nice today?
ROSARIO: You two are like "dumb and drunker."
KAREN: Don't you love our Ro-Ro? Let's tickle her!
JACK: Dog-pile on, Rosie!
ROSARIO: No, no, no, don't tickle me. No, please, I have to finish this sweater for Mr. Stan so you can take it to him tomorrow when you visit him.
KAREN: I'm not goin' tomorrow.
ROSARIO: But he's expecting you at 10:00.
KAREN: Yeah, well, I've got other plans. I'll be in the observatory watching Woody Allen get it on with his daughter-wife.
ROSARIO: How can you be so heartless? Mr. Stan, he suffers in prison. You haven't been to visit him in weeks.
KAREN: Oh, please. The only one who suffers is the guy in the bunk underneath his waking up every morning with a mouthful of mattress... (Laughing) Ha ha... 'Cause he's so fat.
JACK: If I've learned anything from the Dalai Lama by way of Richard Gere... It's that suffering is a state of mind... quite like heterosexuality or the Midwest.
ROSARIO: You schmucks couldn't last three nights in prison. Take away your freedom, hell, take away your panty-hose, you'd be crying like a baby.
JACK: Hey, that happened once, and how dare you reveal secrets from our marriage bed?
ROSARIO: In fact, you wouldn't last three nights in this room.
KAREN: (Scoffs) Well, neither could you.
ROSARIO: Lady, I live in this room.
KAREN: Oh. Well, all I'm saying is I can do it. Easy.
ROSARIO: Really? Care to make it interesting?
KAREN: What are you suggesting? Are you asking me to take my top off?
ROSARIO: Slow down, Gypsy Rose Lush. What I'm talking is three nights in this room, and if either one of you leave before your time is up, you have to visit Mr. Stan every day for a month.
KAREN: All right, but if we win, you have to give me a weekend at the country house and let me hunt you. We lost our fox.
ROSARIO: Deal.
KAREN: Hmm. (Rosario and Karen shake hands)
JACK: (Quickly) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. (Slowly) Wait a minute.
JACK: How did I become a part of this? What's in it for me?
KAREN: Well, as my cell mate, you'd be my bitch. You'd be subject to being molested at any time, day or night.
JACK: Whee! Let's start now! (Karen and Jack laugh)
ROSARIO: Ok, you guys. Three days, starting now. Good luck, meat. (Rosario exits, closing the door and locking it.)
SCENE IV: The Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
(Grace is visiting Glenn.)
GLENN: This morning, I was lookin' out my window, and a single bird just flew across the sky. I just started cryin'.
GRACE: Oh. You know, the same thing happened to me this morning when I saw a single gray hair. Rugulah?
GLENN: Thanks. It was so sweet of you to make these for me.
GRACE: I had to call my mother for the recipe and tell her they were for a prisoner I've been seeing. I think she was more surprised I was baking.
GLENN: And-- And you're funny. I mean, you're funny, and you're beautiful. I just can't believe some guy hasn't snapped you up. What, are they all idiots?
GRACE: You know what, Glenn? A lot of them are.
SCENE V: Will's apartment
(Will is using his dust buster to vacuum the couch. He suddenly jumps back, then quickly vacuums up something.)
WILL: Sorry, little fella. There's another spider in there to keep you company. (Grace enters.)
WILL: Hey, how was your visit with the felon? Did you give his shawshank a redemption? Did you rock his jailhouse? Did you give him the cool hand luke? You know, these are all good. You pick your favorite.
GRACE: You can make fun all you want, but Glenn is a really great guy. He's interesting. He writes poetry, and he has an appeal coming up, and he's, uh, studying law so that he can represent himself.
WILL: Well, that's crazy. He can't represent himself. He's gotta have a real lawyer.
GRACE: Oh, good, so you'll do it? He's expecting your call.
WILL: Wait! Wait! Whoa--whoa-- Whoa--whoa! Whoa! What?!
GRACE: I'm doing you a favor. You were just complaining about how you never get to go into court. Now here's your chance.
WILL: Well, I just said that 'cause I was mad. They might be right. I might not be any good.
GRACE: What? Remember moot court in law school? You were amazing. You gave that stirring argument about freedom of speech while in the background you played George Michael's song "Freedom?" Huh? Wasn't that great?
WILL: I was pretty good.
GRACE: Huh?
WILL: And it would be cool to get back into a courtroom. You know, I get-- I get a pair of those half-glasses like Paul Newman in the verdict... You know, and part my hair on the-- on the dangerous side.
GRACE: There you go.
WILL: You know what? You're right. Will Truman can litigate. Don't tell Will Truman he can't litigate, 'cause you know what happens? Will Truman turns around and litigates, sucka!
SCENE VI: Karen's penthouse, Rosario's bedroom
(Jack and Karen are laying on Rosario's bed.)
JACK: Oh, Kar... I heart prison.
ROSARIO: Oh, me, too. Honey, I don't know what Stan's been complaining about. I mean, what's so great about the outside world anyway? Just a bunch of people with their dumb dreams and even dumber kids.
JACK: Yeah, I know. (Rosario opens the door and enters.)
ROSARIO: Ok, meat, time for lockdown. Count off.
KAREN: One!
JACK: Two!
ROSARIO: Good night.
KAREN: Oh, wait, wait, Rosario, I need my nightcap.
ROSARIO: Your what?
KAREN: My nightcap. Gin on the rocks, and I want the rocks made out of pills.
JACK: And while you're out there, could you crank up the bubbles in the tub? I want a jacuzzi with a happy ending.
KAREN: Mmm.
ROSARIO: Are you kidding me with this? Do you think Mr. Stan gets his evening hoagie before he goes to bed? Forget it. (Rosario exits and shuts the door.)
KAREN: No nightcap?
JACK: No happy ending? This is worse than prison. This is high school. (Jack and Karen flop down onto the bed.)
SCENE VII: The Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
(Grace arrives to visit Glenn. The prison guard is inspecting her plate of cookies.)
GRACE: They're just cookies. I made them for Glenn. Glenn Gabriel. We're--we're kinda going out. (The guard just stares at Grace.) Well, actually, I go out. He mostly stays in. (Laughs)
GUARD: First time I heard that one.
GRACE: Really?
GUARD: No. (The guard hands the plate back to Grace. Grace enters and sees Glenn sitting with a woman.)
SHEILA: I'm so glad you like the bundt cake. (Sheila wipes Glenn's mouth.)
GLENN: Sheila, you're-- you're so good to me. You know, I'm in the prison rock band, and whenever we do the Toto song "Rosanna," I'm really singin' about you. (Singing) "Meet you all the way, Sheila Slovinski, yeah." (Grace gasps and stands there with her mouth agape.)
SCENE VIII: Karen's penthouse, Rosario's bedroom
(Jack and Karen are standing in the middle of the room arguing.)
JACK: No, I can't take it when you do that!
KAREN: You're the one who made a mess of it!
JACK: Well, I'm just trying to get through this!
KAREN: What are you talking about? You've all but given up! We need to work together here!
JACK: Oh! (Slaps his hands against his leg) Shh! Fine! Let's just try it again! (Jack and Karen begin singing "Mr. Sandman")
KAREN: (Singing) Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
JACK AND KAREN: (Singing) Mr. Sandman bring me a dream--
JACK: (Singing) Bum-bum-bum-bum
JACK AND KAREN:(Singing) Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen--
JACK: (Singing) Bum-bum-bum-bum (Karen and Jack begin a synchronized dance routine while singing.)
JACK AND KAREN: (Singing) Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci, and lots of wavy hair like Liberace. (Jack stops and Karen keeps dancing and singing.)
KAREN: (Singing) Sandman, bring me a dream.
JACK: Karen!
KAREN: (Singing) Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen. Please turn on your magic beam--
JACK: Karen! Cut it out! (Karen stops dancing.)
JACK: This is a duet. We are a team. There is no "I" in singing.
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Say that again, and I'll get a bar of soap, carve it into a drink, and throw it in your face.
JACK: I can't take it anymore. I am out of here!
KAREN: What?
JACK: Sure... It was fun this morning in the shower when you punched me in the windpipe and took my candy cigarettes... But now I want out.
KAREN: No! You open that door and we lose this bet, and I am not gonna lose!
JACK: Why? What are you so afraid of? So you have to go see Stan. What's the big deal?
KAREN: I don't like to go see him.
JACK: All right, fine. From the top.
JACK: (Singing) Bum-bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum-bum
KAREN: (Singing) Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
JACK AND KAREN: (Singing) Mr. Sandman bring me a dream--
JACK: (Singing) Bum, bum, bum, bum
JACK AND KAREN: (Singing) Make him the cutest guy that...
SCENE IX: Will's apartment
(Will is sitting at the table working on his laptop computer when Grace enters, slamming the door.)
GRACE: I hate men.
WILL: Good, more for me. You know, I'm goin' through some of Glenn's files. His-- His last lawyer really messed up. Some of the state's evidence was obtained improperly. It should never have been admitted. Without that, they have no case. What's up?
GRACE: Glenn and I are through.
WILL: Oh, Grace. (Snickering) You were dumped by a prisoner.
GRACE: I was not dumped. It turns out he was two-timing me.
WILL: That's awful.
GRACE: Thank you.
WILL: How could someone in prison get two dates? I can't even get one.
GRACE: Oh, this is all so embarrassing. He seemed so honest and straightforward in the holding room.
WILL: Well... Hopefully, the next guy you meet will work a regular nine to five instead of serving five to ten.
GRACE: Funny.
WILL: Maybe he'll have gone to Penn State instead of the state pen.
GRACE: One more.
WILL: Maybe you two will live in a big house instead of the big house.
GRACE: And you're done.
WILL: Ok, I--I warn you. I may have one more in the morning. Something about "behind bars" and "in bars." I'm still workin' on it.
GRACE: I'm sorry you're not gonna be able to try your case, but don't worry. You'll get another chance.
WILL: I'm still trying the case.
GRACE: What?
WILL: I'm his lawyer, Grace. I made a commitment.
GRACE: But he was mean to me.
WILL: Grace, if-if everyone who was mean to you was put in jail, the prisons will be full of every guy you ever dated, the girl that shushed you at the Nutcracker, and the counter lady at Zabar's.
GRACE: She leans on the whitefish when she weighs it. I know it. I pay extra for that fat ass thumb.
WILL: Grace, I never get to go to court. This is my chance to prove myself. Look, I--I got the Paul Newman half-glasses, and I got three great Tom Cruise moves. I got... (Throws his fist down) from The Firm. I got, uh... (Throws his fist down) from A Few Good Men, and just in case I need it, from, uh, from Jerry Maguire, I got... (Throws up his arm and kicks his leg) "Fine!"
GRACE: Well, why can't some other lawyer do this?
WILL: Grace, I can't drop out now, ok? I'm not that kind of man. I'm an ethical man... A man of conviction. A man of courage. Besides, the judge already gave me permission to videotape it for my mom.
SCENE X: Karen's penthouse, Rosario's bedroom
(Karen is watching Jack as he carves tick marks on the wall.)
JACK: Wow.... I have seen a lot of Cher concerts. (Jack takes out a pack of mints and pops one into his mouth.)
KAREN: What's that?
JACK: What?
KAREN: In your mouth. (Jack shakes his head.) You're chewin' somethin'. What is it?
JACK: (Mumbling) Nothing.
KAREN: Liar! It's a Smint! Give it to me! (Karen grabs for Jack's mouth.)
JACK: No!
KAREN: Give it to me! (Karen throws Jack onto the bed and lands on top of him.)
JACK: Karen, get a hold of yourself! (Karen gets up.)
KAREN: Oh, I can't take it anymore! I feel like an animal caught in a trap! Oh, now I miss my coats, damn it.
JACK: I do not heart prison anymore.
KAREN: Oh, honey, neither do I.
JACK: Well... At least we only have two hours left.
KAREN: Rosario!
JACK: No, Karen, what are you doing? We could still win.
KAREN: Honey, I don't wanna win anymore. If it's this bad for us, think about what it must like for Stan. I gotta go see him. (Karen bangs on the door) Rosario, get in here! (Rosario unlocks the door and enters.)
ROSARIO: What is it, meat?
JACK: Hmm. Meat. I may keep that name on the outside.
KAREN: It's over. You win.
ROSARIO: Aha, I knew you couldn't make it. You may talk tough, but you're soft like a noodle. So you can forget about hunting me like a fox.
KAREN: Yeah, yeah... Big loss... You spook the horses anyway. Get outta here. Go on. Get outta here... (Karen pushes Rosario out of the room. To Jack) I'm gonna go see Stan...
JACK: Ah, Karen... Beneath those big breasts beats a heart as big as those breasts. Do you want me to come with you?
KAREN: No, honey. Like lovemaking, this is something best done by myself.
SCENE XI: The courthouse
(Glenn's trial is starting. Glenn is sitting at the defendant's table with Will. Sheila is sitting in the seats behind Glenn.)
WILL: Good afternoon. In the matter of The State v. Gabriel, what we'll attempt to prove today is that the evidence against my client was illegally obtained. (Will pulls out his half-glasses and puts them on.) Now I refer you to the documents that will hereafter be known as Exhibit A. (Will hands the documents to the judge. The judge puts on a pair of half-glasses and looks them over.)
JUDGE: I'll review these in my chambers.
WILL: (Kicking his leg like Tom Cruise) Fine!
(Cut to later.)
GLENN: (To Will) I wanna thank you so much for getting me off. I couldn't have done it without you. Well, it was-- it was a thrill for me.
WILL: I--I enjoyed doing it, but now that I'm not your lawyer, if you come within five feet of Grace, so help me, God, you'll be singing "Rosanna" through a tube.
GLENN: Ok. (Glenn walks off. Grace walks in from the back.)
GRACE: Hey. You were pretty amazing up there.
WILL: You saw me?
GRACE: Peeked in. You were a regular Oliver Wendell Homo.
WILL: Funny.
GRACE: F. Lee Gayley.
WILL: You get one more.
GRACE: Johnnie Cochran.
WILL: That's his real name.
GRACE: It still works.
