SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will is washing dishes in the kitchen while Grace gives their friend Larry some pointers on the coffee urn he is borrowing.)
GRACE: So, Larry, I have no problem with you borrowing this, but you've just gotta understand it means a lot to me. It belonged to my Aunt Tillie until she lost her sight.
LARRY: That's so sad.
GRACE: Not really. That's why I was able to sneak it out of her house. Anyway, a few ground rules. Never wash it with soap. You don't need it. (From behind Grace, Will waves his hand dismissively and mouths "it's fine") Don't use a steel brush on it. It'll ruin the finish. (Will makes a scrubbing motion and mouths "it's fine") And by all means, don't shove it up your butt! (Yelling at Will) Mime that one, you big homo! There's a mirror right there!
WILL: Well, come on. It's not a heart valve. It's a coffee urn.
LARRY: You two argue like Joe and I do; only you don't have to deal with your husband's hateful stares in bed afterwards. Well, thanks again for this. Bye, guys.
WILL: Enjoy your party. Happy Moulin Rouge coming out on DVD. (Larry exits as Jack and Karen enter.)
KAREN: (To Jack) Ok, fan out. We got a lot of work to do.
JACK: I'll hit the fridge.
KAREN: I'll hit the bedroom. (Jack runs to the refrigerator while Karen runs into Grace's bedroom.)
WILL: And I'll fashion a crude grappling hook and meet you atop the windmill. (To Jack) What's going on?
JACK: Oh, you're so nosy! Karen bought a horse, and we're here to get some supplies. (Karen enters carrying a comforter.)
KAREN: Jack, look at this old rag I found to line the stall.
GRACE: That is my bedspread.
KAREN: Well, honey, I'm gonna wash it before I give it to the horse.
GRACE: Oh, give me that! What are you doing buying a horse? What, you got sick of riding Rosario around the house?
KAREN: Oh, Grace, it's always been my dream to have a whole stable full of horses.
WILL: Oh, when did that start? After you took your first black beauty?
KAREN: A-Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Yes, it did. And, you know, it's a good investment, too. Yeah, we're gonna put him out to stud and make some money.
JACK: Oh, lucky pony… (Karen pulls a picture out of her purse.)
KAREN: (Gasps) Look... Here he is... Oh, he's got my eyes, but Stan's girth and fetlocks.
GRACE: (Gasps) Oh, my god, he's gorgeous! What's his name?
JACK: Well, he's named after a sailor I shared a very special evening with during Fleet Week.
WILL: Don't you think "Hey You" is going to be a little confusing?
JACK: His name is Lamar.
GRACE: Well, maybe I could ride Lamar sometime.
WILL: Funny, that's just what Jack said to the sailor.
SCENE II: Footlight Records
(Will and Grace are looking at CDs.)
GRACE: Hey, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but there's a weird smell coming from the show tunes section.
WILL: Hmm, maybe somebody took The Wiz.
GRACE: Is that your father's mistress? (Grace points to a woman at the cash register.)
WILL: Tina? No, I don't think-- (Tina giggles and cries) Yep, that's Tina.
TINA: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I had the receipt. I don't. A-heh heh.
GRACE: We should really probably go over and say hello.
WILL: Why would I say hello to the biggest problem in my parents' marriage? Would you say hello to your--your father's gassy stomach?
GRACE: Sure, why not? It always says hello to me.
SALESPERSON: (To Tina) Um, yeah, ok. Well, I'll do what I can, but they're gonna need to know the reason you're returning 'em. (The salesgirl pulls out a form.)
TINA: That's easy. As you may or may not know, I'm having an affair. Hee hee. The bastard broke my heart. A-hee-hee-ah! (Sobs)
SALESPERSON: (Writing) CDs... Were... scratched. Um, ok. Hold on. Let me go get the manager.
GRACE: Tina?
TINA: (Gasps) Oh, Grace. Will. Hi. What a surprise.
GRACE: Are--are you ok?
TINA: Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I just lost my receipt. (Sobbing) Oh! George and I were supposed to spend his birthday together, and then he said his wife planned a little party for him, so he had to stay home and have a little cake.
WILL: (Sotto, to Grace) Meaning he couldn't come into the city for a little tart.
TINA: What am I even doing? (Sighs) If I had a brain at all, I would just leave him. And I swear-- I swear, if I could find the right person, I would, too.
GRACE: Well, I have the perfect person.
TINA: You do?
WILL: You do?
GRACE: Yeah. Yeah, he's--he's smart, but not too smart. Charming, but not too charming. Rich, but not too rich.
TINA: He sounds great.
GRACE: Mm-hmm.
WILL: But not too great.
TINA: God, maybe I should. I mean, George is cheating on me with his wife. Ok. Let's do it. I'll call you. (Tina puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) Oh! Aah! I found my receipt! Oh, maybe this is a sign. Oh! (Tina walks back to the cash register.)
WILL: (To Grace) Fixing up my dad's girlfriend. Nice. What's next, a cruise with the Korean woman my Uncle fathered a child with during the war?
GRACE: Don't you get it? If we can make Tina see that there are other guys out there for her, then maybe she'll end the affair with your father for good.
WILL: You know, that's actually a good idea. That could work. You're a genius. Who's the guy?
GRACE: No idea.
SCENE III: The horse stable
(Karen and Jack enter the stable to look at Karen's new horse, Lamar.)
KAREN: This is so exciting. It's stud day! (Karen walks up to Lamar, a tan horse.) Hello, Lamar. Ooh, look at your pony package.
JACK: Karen, it is impolite to stare. (Karen and Jack stare at the horse and slowly tilt their heads to the side.)
TRAINER: (Entering) Excuse me.
JACK: What penis?!
KAREN: There's nothing funny!
TRAINER: Ok, then. Time to see if this stud horse is worth what you paid for him. Come on now, Lamar.
JACK: Now, Lamar, when you get out there, take your time. You're not in a hurry. You don't care. That's how I'd play it, at least. Although I'd probably wear pants. Ha ha ha! No, I wouldn't! Yes, I would! (Shakes his head, mouthing "No, I wouldn't")
KAREN: Jackie, come here. There goes my baby. I'm feeling all maternal all of a sudden. I-- I don't know what it is. I'm so emotional. It's like I have this overriding urge to-- Ooh, a salt lick! There must be margaritas nearby. (Karen runs off. Jack walks over to the trainer. they are watching Lamar, who is off screen.)
JACK: Hey, Lamar. Ooh, you found one, huh? You like that one, do ya? All right, well, a little long in the tooth, a little horse face, but whatever wins the derby.
JACK: Wow. And they're off. Ha. You go with that, Lamar! Yeah. You get behind that fine equine! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, look at that! She likey. She likey. she likey. Yeah!
TRAINER: That's a he.
JACK: What?!
SCENE IV: Will's apartment
(Will is on the phone with Tina. Grace enters the room while he is on the phone.)
WILL: (Into the phone) Great. Ok, Tina, we'll meet you there in half an hour. (Will hangs up.) Ok, Tina's all set. She's excited, she's giggling. Apparently there's a new bra. We're good to go. Just a matter of time before the affair is over and my dad can return to a life of quiet desperation with my mom. Yay. What?
GRACE: My guy canceled.
WILL: What?!
GRACE: Turns out his wife is in town.
WILL: You set her up with a married man?!
GRACE: That's what she's into!
WILL: Tina is on her way to the restaurant. If she's stood up, it'll devastate her, and she'll go running right back into the arms of my father.
GRACE: Ok, this is not a disaster. Think. We must know someone else. We'll just call some other cute guy and have him meet us at the restaurant.
WILL: Right. (Both Will and Grace think for a bit…)
GRACE: Ok, this probably explains why we're both alone.
WILL: Yeah. (Somebody knocks on the door.) Damn it. This is all your fault. (Will opens the door and Larry enters with the coffee urn.) Hi, Larry.
LARRY: Hi.
GRACE: How could it be my fault? Hi, Larry.
LARRY: Hi.
WILL: I don't know, it just is.
LARRY: I'm just returning this. It was great. The party was a huge success, although Joe pulled a muscle doing the can can. He can't can't. (Will and Grace are pretty much ignoring Larry.)
WILL: Well, what are we gonna do?!
LARRY: Cleaned it with a mixture of baking soda and lemon juice. No water spots!
GRACE: I guess we're gonna have to cancel.
WILL: No, we are not canceling. I'm way too into this idea. We've gotta find a way to make this work.
LARRY: I dried it on a cookie rack.
GRACE: How are we gonna find a way to make this work? We don't have a date.
WILL: Well, we'll just have to find one.
GRACE: In five minutes? How?
LARRY: Again, thanks for the urn. If there's anything I can ever do for you, just let me know. (Will and Grace slowly turn and look at Larry.) Uh-oh.
(Cut to the restaurant. Will and Grace drag larry in, each holding an arm.)
GRACE: Tina, I'd like you to meet your date, Larry.
TINA: Hello, Larry. (Larry shakes Tina's hand.)
LARRY: Hello, handsome lady.
SCENE V: The horse stable
(Jack is waiting at Lamar's stable as Karen approaches.)
KAREN: Lord, I've been all over this place. Flies everywhere, clumps of dirt, carrots. It's like we're inside Grace's hairdo. I'll tell you what, honey. The minute Lamar starts pumping out those ponies, we're moving to a snazzier stable.
JACK: Yeah, Karen, there's something I need to tell you. You love Lamar, right? And you'd love him no matter what.
KAREN: Why, of course I would.
JACK: Yeah, because Lamar is, um-- Lamar is-- Well, he's like me, Kare.
KAREN: Not allowed to come within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?
JACK: No, um... He's gay, Kare. Our horse is gay. He practices the love that dare not speak its (Whinnies) naaaame.
KAREN: Come on, honey, that's silly. You think everything's gay. First Canada, now Horse.
JACK: No, no. Really. Really, really, he is.
KAREN: What do ya talk?
JACK: It happens. I once saw this thing on lesbian seagulls on Animal Planet. (Jack points to his hair) Yeah, they had short feathers here, and then real long feathers back here. (Jack shrugs.)
KAREN: A ha! A-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think that's hysterical. I can't believe--
JACK: I know.
KAREN: Our stud's a dud.
JACK: I guess that makes you a nag hag. (Jack and Karen both laugh) Ahh.
KAREN: Whew...
KAREN: Get rid of him.
JACK: What?!
KAREN: Sell him. Give him away. Send him to the glue factory.
JACK: Wait. But-- But we love him.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, now a million kindergarten kids with elbow macaroni and glitter can love him, too.
SCENE VI: The restaurant
(Will, Grace, Larry, and Tina are having a glass of wine.)
TINA: So, Larry, tell me, do you have any hobbies?
LARRY: I like to needlepoint.
TINA: Really? Well, not many men do that.
GRACE: Well, he only does that to--to loosen up during a macho game of baseball. Tell her, Will.
WILL: Uh, yeah. Good setup. Uh, yeah. Uh, when-- When Larry was pitching for the baseball team in college, you know, he spent so much time in that-- That little area. What's it called, Larry? Where do the pitchers go?
LARRY: In the China hutch? (Grace laughs nervously)
TINA: Will you excuse me for a minute? One too many Kir Royales. I've got a bladder the size of an acorn. It sounds funny, but it's actually a condition. I'm in a textbook. A-hee! Excuse me. (Tina walks off the restroom.)
WILL: (To Larry) God, you're bad! Don't you know when not-- not--not to bring up needlepoint when you're on a date with a woman?!
LARRY: No, I don't, Will. I've never been on a date with a woman before. I don't know what I'm doing.
GRACE: Ok, ok. Well, what did you do to win Joe over?
LARRY: Well, I made him a beautiful accent pillow, using a combination of the classic continental and brick stitch.
GRACE: Oh, we're screwed. Ok, this will not work.
WILL: Yes, it will. It has to work. Larry, listen, we gotta make Tina feel confident. She has to see that there's other viable men out there.
LARRY: Well-- But I don't know how to be romantic with a woman.
GRACE: I got it. Treat her like she's your mother.
WILL: What kind of sick stereotype is that?! Why would you even suggest that?
GRACE: Think about you and your mother.
WILL: Treat her like she's your mother.
(Cut to later. Larry is cutting Tina's meat for her.)
LARRY: (Loudly, to Tina) I'm only cutting half of this for you so you can take the other half home. It'll make a nice sandwich tomorrow.
GRACE: Oh, jeez.
WILL: Larry, you know, you really oughta hit the bathroom, you know, before that stain sets.
LARRY: What stain?
WILL: (Will throws food onto Larry's sweater.) That one there.
LARRY: Oh, my god! How did I do that? (Loudly, to Tina) I'll be right back. (To Will and Grace) Do not let her order another glass of wine. (Larry walks off the restroom.)
TINA: Where did you find this guy?
WILL: I know. Look, we gotta be honest with you, Tina.
GRACE: Larry was not the person that we were gonna set you up with. Um... (Awkward chuckle) The thing about Larry is that he's--
TINA: Wonderful!
WILL and GRACE: What?
TINA: He notices everything about me. He's completely honest. He's sensitive, he needlepoints. I love him!
WILL: And he loves you, too.
SCENE VII: The horse stable
(Karen is calling over the trainer while Jack looks on depressed.)
KAREN: Ok, there he is, Trainer. Now go make him pretty for the auction block.
TRAINER: I'll go get the trailer.
KAREN: Ok.
JACK: Don't do this, Karen. He may be gay, but he's still our horse. Nothing has changed.
KAREN: Everything's changed. What about my dream about a barn full of grand ponies? Come on. This is all your fault. You spoiled him the way you doted on him, constantly brushing him, French-braiding his tail, putting clear polish on his hooves.
JACK: All I did was love him!
KAREN: Go find Trainer and get him out of here! I can't even look at him. We gotta dump this pony before there's a picture of him in The Enquirer having drinks with Liza.
JACK: Fine! I'll go get his luggage and his clogs.
KAREN: Come on. Don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal, it's just you're not what I signed on for. (Karen touches Lamar's face) Ooh, soft. Like washable suede. My mind's already made up, so you just might as-- (Lamar begins sniffing Karen's jacket.) Come on. Noticing my couture. Just like my little Jackie. (Lamar begins nibbling and pulling at Karen's bosom and scarf.) Oh, my god! Honey, you're right. This scarf doesn't go with this outfit at all. What was I thinking? (Jack enters the stable with the trainer.)
JACK: Now, he needs to be brushed twice a day, and he likes most music, except Charlotte Church. He senses she's been deprived of a childhood by her fame-hungry parents.
TRAINER: Or I'll sell him to the highest bidder. Let's go, Lamar.
KAREN: Whoa, cowdaddy, I've changed my mind.
JACK: Wh-what are you saying?
KAREN: I can't do it, Jack. I can't get rid of him. I don't care who he sleeps with. He's my boy, and I love him. I love him. I love my big, gay horse!
SCENE VIII: Will's apartment
(Grace and Larry enter the apartment, followed by Will and Tina.)
LARRY: (Quietly to Grace) I want to go home.
GRACE: (Loudly) Why, yes, Larry, I'd love to show you my orchids. They're out here on the balcony. Actually, they thrive in winter. (Grace and Larry exit out to the balcony.)
WILL: Wow, you and Larry.
TINA: I know. Me and Larry. Ohh. Being out with him tonight has certainly opened my eyes to the kind of men that are out there.
WILL: That's our Larry. You know, he's secure, he's confident. One might even call him a man's man. Heh heh.
TINA: I mean, he is so gentle and attentive.
WILL: Yeah. You probably couldn't say that about my dad, huh?
TINA: I don't want to talk abt your father tonight. It's just gonna get me angry at him.
WILL: Go on, get angry. I mean, right now he's probably in bed with his lawfully wedded wife.
(Cut to the balcony with Grace and Larry.)
GRACE: Larry. Larry, look at me. (Grace holds Larry's face in her hands) You borrowed the coffee urn. You owe us.
LARRY: But when does it end?
GRACE: One more hour and then you're done. Is that too much to ask to save Will's parents' marriage?
LARRY: Well--
GRACE: Come on, there's a pound of coffee in it for you... And some really good yarn.
LARRY: I'm listening.
(Cut back to the living room with Tina and Will.)
TINA: Not only that, your father's moody. One minute he's-- he's soft and sweet to me, and the next it's all cold and clipped. "Gotta get goin'."
WILL: I wouldn't put up with it. Do yourself a favor, cut the guy loose.
TINA: I should. He's inconsiderate, he's cheap, and he's weak.
WILL: Ok.
TINA: And he can be so cruel. I mean a real son of a bitch.
WILL: Now, wait a minute.
TINA: Well, what would you call someone who is incapable of love?
WILL: He is not.
TINA: He is! He'll say whatever you want to hear just so he can get what he wants. He doesn't care who gets hurt, because he doesn't love anyone but himself!
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok, stop. No, he--he may be some of those things some of the time, but let me tell you, my dad-- When I was little and I got sick, he would sit by my bedside the entire night to make sure the washcloth on my forehead stayed cool. He got up every morning at 5:30 just to have juice with me before I went on my paper route. And at 19, when I told dad I was gay, he-- Well, he drove into a telephone pole, but... That night he hugged me and said, "you're my son." That's all I know. The man may have his faults, but not being able to love isn't one of them.
TINA: You're right, Will. George Truman is magnificent.
WILL: What? Uh--uh-- But, remember, he's mean. (Grace and Larry enter from the balcony.)
GRACE: (Quietly) Go ahead.
LARRY: Tina? Could I interest you in a moonlight walk... And then perhaps a nightcap?
TINA: Oh, oh, Larry, that's so sweet, but I'm in love with another man.
LARRY: Oh, thank God. So am I. (Larry runs to the door. Loudly) I'll call you later to let you know that I got home safely. (Larry blows Tina a kiss and exits.)
TINA: He is lovely. I can't put my finger on it, but he seems more like your type, Grace.
