SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Jack is sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal as Will gets ready to go to work.)
JACK: Will, you have to go shopping. This cereal is stale. It doesn't hold milk, and it tastes horrible.
WILL: That is a box of stuffing mix.
JACK: Alright, if this isn't cereal, then why did it come with this cool prize?
WILL: That is a bag of seasoning.
[GRACE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM FROM HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: Hey, guys. There's no chance my mother's already come and gone already is there?
WILL: No. She called to say that her hair appointment's running long.
GRACE: How long could it take? Somebody just holds her by her ankles and dips her into the cotton candy machine.
JACK: I love Bobbi. She's the kind of elderly person you see on the street that you don't want to knock down.
GRACE: Maybe you don't. Will... Can you please come out to lunch with us?
WILL: I can't. Remember? I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice. It's exciting because I'm gonna get to help people. But also because the Coalition for Justice sounds like the kind of place where superheroes work, you know? I'm like the gay Superman. Waiting to meet my Louis Lane.
GRACE: Jack, can you come with me?
JACK: I would love to join you and Bobbi for lunch. I don't know why, but I'm in the mood for roast turkey. And a parade.
JACK: It's so great you're coming. She loves you. Of course, she's always been obsessed with gay guys. [SHAKES HER HEAD] So sad.
KAREN: Will, I need something from you.
WILL: I'm sorry, Karen. I literally peed two minutes ago.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Not that. I'm trying to teach my staff how to spot terrorists. Could you come by around 3:00 and dash through the foyer with a backpack?
WILL: Can't. I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice. It's a non-profit that helps people that can't afford lawyers.
KAREN: Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry. You'll find a real job soon.
WILL: It is a real job.
KAREN: Right. And this is my first liver.
JACK: I think what Will's doing is inspirational. I don't know why, but I'm feeling really thankful today. [YAWNS] Is the game on?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(Grace walks into the living room and tries to get Jack's attention.)
GRACE: Psst! Psst!
[JACK LOOKS AROUND FOR THE NOISE, BUT DOES NOT TURN AROUND TO SEE GRACE.]
GRACE: Psst! Psst!
[JACK FINALLY TURNS AROUND.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Look. Before my mother comes out of the bathroom, where can we go to lunch that is really quick? I can't wait until she's the age where I can tell her we already had lunch yesterday.
JACK: Well, don't you want to ask Bobbi where she'd like to go?
GRACE: She would like to go to Schraft's in 1952 and be discovered by Swifty Lazar.
JACK: Grace, you know I don't speak Jewish.
[GRACE'S MOTHER, BOBBI ALDER EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
BOBBI: Oh! That was embarrassing. Don't worry. They're in tight now.
[BOBBI PUSHES ON HER UPPER TEETH.]
BOBBI: Grace, honey, why don't you hurry up and change for lunch?
GRACE: This is what I'm wearing to lunch.
BOBBI: Oh! Are we going to the lesbian bar?
JACK: We could. I hear the Honey Bucket has a great spread.
GRACE: This is a very nice outfit mom. This shirt cost more than your wig.
BOBBI: Oh. Well, I like it 'cause it's cheap. You can throw it in the dishwasher.
JACK: Well, that would probably explain this corn on the cob holder.
[JACK PULLS A SMALL CORN COB HOLDER OUT OF BOBBI'S HAIR.]
GRACE: Can we just go to lunch?
BOBBI: Oh, well I hope you can take me someplace nice for a change.
GRACE: What does it matter where we go, Mom? You're just going to order chicken chow mein, and hot water for the tea bag that's in your purse.
BOBBI: Oh, well the tea bag goes in the place in my wallet where the pictures of the grandchildren usually go.
SCENE III: The Coalition for Justice
(Coalition for Justice employee Gerald introduces himself to Will.)
GERALD: Welcome. Here's your desk right here.
WILL: Ah! Mission control. So, uh, put me to to work. I'm ready to fight for the little people. Take down some bad guys. Dole out justice, Truman style.
[WILL STRIKES A "KARATE" POSE.]
GERALD: Ok. I'm gonna go grab your first case.
[WILL WIPES OFF HIS DESK AND ALMOST KNOCKS OVER A DESK LAMP.]
WILL: That could have been embarrassing.
[WILL NODS TO A MAN PASSING BY HIS DESK.]
WILL: Morning.
[WILL LEANS BACK ON HIS DESK AND IT TIPS, ALMOST KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR.]
GERALD: Oh, yeah. That desk only has three legs.
WILL: Yeah. That's what I like about non-profits. A little rough around the edges. The last place I worked, all the desks had four legs. [LAUGHS] Asses.
GERALD: Here's the file.
[GERALD GIVES WILL THE FILE.]
WILL: Ah. Ooh. Tenants' rights. "Horrible living conditions... brown water... rats and roaches." Juicy! So, what morally bankrupt monster am I taking down?
[GERALD LOOKS AT THE COVER OF THE FILE.]
GERALD: "Karen Walker."
WILL: Yep, that sounds about right.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(Grace and Jack have returned from lunch.)
GRACE: Ugh. Thank God she's gone. All that's left of her are a few strands of pink horse hair and a few flecks of Polident.
JACK: Yeah, thank God that's over. I could not take more than one lunch like that a year.
GRACE: I know. She's a nightmare, right?
JACK: I'm talking about you, Mister!
GRACE: What?!
JACK: I am appalled by how you treat her. That woman is your mother! Mother! You are so cruel to her!
GRACE: Me?! What about her? Did you not hear her constant insults?
JACK: I may have missed a few. She's gotta learn to hold for laughs. But, that's not the point. You need to treasure her insults while you can. Because one day, she'll be gone and you'll have to hear how much you suck from her ghost.
GRACE: You don't know anything about it.
JACK: Oh, my dear. No one knows how to be a good daughter better than a gay son. The mother of a gay son learns to accept him for who he is. Except for the sex. The gay son learns to accept the mother for who she is. Except for the sex. Sadly, mothers and daughters rarely embark on this right of passage. Thus, they are destined to perpetuate a pattern of anger and bitchiness-- This would be so much clearer if I had my slides.
GRACE: I've seen your slides. And I don't know what two Norwegian men farming naked has to do with me and my mother.
JACK: Grace, if you want this relationship to change, you're the one who's going to have to change it. Please. Let me help you. Let me make you a good gay son. Except for the sex.
GRACE: Thanks. But I'll pass. I'm as gay as I'd like to be. This morning when I was getting dressed, I actually considered putting a sock in my pants.
JACK: Well, it needs something down there.
SCENE V: Karen Walker's Penthouse
(Karen is sitting in the library. One of her maids is in the room.)
KAREN: Jasmine, you have such beautiful hair. I'd like to see it on my dresser by bedtime.
[JASMINE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
KAREN: You know, some people say "thank you" when they get a compliment.
[WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: I just got another "Help Me" note from one of your maids.
KAREN: Oh, great. Thanks.
[KAREN TAKES THE NOTE FROM WILL. SHE OPENS A BOX ON A TABLE, WHICH IS OVERFLOWING WITH SIMILAR NOTES, AND THROWS THE PAPER IN AND CLOSES THE BOX.]
WILL: So, I, uh, started my new job today.
KAREN: Mm. That thing where you save the world and get paid in soup? Doesn't sound like much of a job to me.
WILL: Karen, the work I do is incredibly important. I have dedicated my life to helping those who can't help themselves. You know, since this morning. I-- My first clients live in a run-down building in Spanish Harlem that the owner refuses to bring to code.
KAREN: Riveting. Why are you here?
WILL: Well, because the landlord is someone we both know.
KAREN: Oh. [SIGHS] I see. Well, I appreciate your taking the time to tell me in person. So. Marlo Thomas is a slumlord.
WILL: No, it's not Marlo.
KAREN: No, no, no! Let me guess!
WILL: It's you, Karen.
KAREN: I said let me guess. Is it me?
WILL: Yes it is.
KAREN: Yay!
WILL: Look, I should be filing this right now, but I came down here to give you a chance to clear this up out of court. I mean-- The evidence is over-whelming. This case is a slam dunk.
KAREN: Slam dunk! Shaquille O'Neal!
WILL: Okay. I don't know what that was. You have got to fix this building. So just sign these papers agreeing to cover the costs. You can make this whole thing go away.
KAREN: How do I make you go away?
WILL: You know, years ago, a guy refused to fix up his building and they made him live in it. You know, and what's worse, they made a movie out of it and they cast Joe Pesci to play him. You want Joe Pesci to play you?
KAREN: Kiss my A.
WILL: I'm sorry, what did you say to a representative of the Coalition for Justice?
KAREN: Gosh, I don't know. Why don't you get your D out of your ear and listen to me.
WILL: What? What is the matter with you? And why are you using letters?
KAREN: Because I'm a lady, assface.
WILL: Okay. That's it. You've got yourself a fight.
KAREN: Take your best shot, Fairy Mason. Karen Walker is above the law! You can't touch me!
[CUT TO A RUN-DOWN APARTMENT IN SPANISH HARLEM. TWO OFFICERS DRAG KAREN INTO THE APARTMENT.]
OFFICER: If you go more than 100 feet from this building, you will be arrested. Enjoy your new apartment.
[THE COPS LEAVE.]
KAREN: [SINGING TO HERSELF] Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens...
[A LOUD SCREAM IS HEARD FROM OUTSIDE.]
[KAREN BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL IN FEAR.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(Will is in the kitchen cooking when Grace shuffles in from her bedroom.)
GRACE: Hey. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about my relationship with my mother.
WILL: Really? Or is it because it's only 6:00?
GRACE: Jack says I'm horrible to her. Do you think I'm horrible to her?
WILL: I'll answer that, but I'm gonna be honest.
GRACE: Eh, forget it. What are you up to?
WILL: Well, I got big news. I finally did it. Today, I stuck it to The Man.
GRACE: Oh. Finally. That was a long dry spell.
WILL: Not that, Karen. I got the judge to order her to pay for all the improvements to that building she owns.
GRACE: Oh... That's great. Good for you.
WILL: Nah, good for the people. And, uh, I also got him to sentence her to live in the building for a week.
GRACE: Really? That sounds kind of harsh.
WILL: It's not harsh, Grace. It's my job. I dole out justice, Truman style.
[WILL DOES HIS "KARATE" POSE.]
GRACE: Why can't you say you "go to work" like everyone else? I don't say "I dole out furniture, Adler style."
[GRACE MOCKS WILL'S "KARATE" POSE.]
WILL: Trust me. It's the right thing to do. You know, maybe if she spends a little time in that building, it'll give her a chance to really look at herself. Think about what she's done.
GRACE: Have you really looked at yourself?
WILL: What's that supposed to mean?
GRACE: I mean what are you doing? You got her to pay for something she probably didn't even know about until you told her. Why wasn't that enough?
WILL: Well, it's... complicated.
GRACE: Doesn't sound complicated. I mean, you took the job because you wanted to become more compassionate, right?
WILL: Yeah, I did.
GRACE: Then, why don't you start with your friends?
WILL: [SIGHS] You're right. I should go down there and see how she's doing. And dole out some friendship, Truman style.
[WILL DOES HIS "KARATE" POSE.]
GRACE: Is anyone encouraging that?
SCENE VII: Jack's Apartment
(Grace walks into Jack's apartment.)
GRACE: Okay. I'm ready. I'll do whatever it takes. I wanna be a good gay son. Like Dick Cheney's daughter.
JACK: You're doing the right thing. It'll be easy. Alright, now, all you have to do is not take the bait when your mother provokes you. All right? Now, I'll be Bobbi. And you be you. And no matter what I say, don't react. Just sit there, relax and do nothing.
GRACE: I don't know that I can do that.
JACK: Pretend you're having sex with a man just because he bought you dinner.
GRACE: Got it.
JACK: Okay. Now. I'm gonna start, alright? [BREATHES IN AND OUT.] I'm becoming Bobbi Adler. I'm finding the voice. Mmmm… I'm imagining the Jane Russel 18-hour bra with the safety pin instead of the hook... the inexplicably good legs...
[JACK DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE COUCH, AND THEN POPS UP, WEARING A RED WIG AND A SCARF AROUND HIS NECK.]
JACK: And... I'm Bobbi.
GRACE: [SCREAMS] Aah!
JACK: Grace, focus! Now remember, no matter what I say, don't react. Okay? Here we go. Ahem.
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO GRACE.]
JACK: Darling, you chased away your husband and apparently your colorist.
GRACE: That is not fair! I did not chase away--
JACK: Ah, ah, ah! I am your mother. Don't take the bait. I can say or do anything I want. Like this.
[JACK FLICKS GRACE ON THE CHIN.]
GRACE: Ow, you bitch!
JACK: Hey, hey! Do not react! Keep it inside.
JACK: [WHILE CONTINUOUSLY FLICKING GRACE'S FACE] Gonna hit your mother? Gonna take the bait? Sit up straight. Straighten your hair. Date a straight guy. Find a man, find a man, find a man--
GRACE: Aah!
[GRACE PULLS THE WIG OFF JACK'S HEAD AND BEATS IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE.]
GRACE: I think I might need to do this a few more times.
JACK: All right, Grace, I've had it with you. You are un-teachable! And you ruined my wig! I don't even know if these curls are re-settable.
[JACK PICKS UP THE WIG AND LOKOS AT IT.]
JACK: Oh, great! The netting's torn!
GRACE: Oh, would you just relax! Those are six bucks for a dozen at the Wig Easy!
JACK: This is an Eva Gabor! And it is irreplaceable! All right, I am gonna tell you something I've heard from my own mother my entire life.
GRACE: "Put down that Barbie"?
JACK: No. You're being an idiot. So what if she insults you? Who cares? The bottom line is she loves you.
GRACE: Well, why can't she act like she does?
JACK: She does. Every day of your life when she shatters your ego and makes you feel like nothing, it comes from a place of love.
GRACE: Oh, that's sweet. Twisted, but sweet.
SCENE VIII: Karen's Apartment Building
(Will walks up to Karen's apartment door. He hesitates, then knocks on the door with his elbow.)
WILL: Karen, it's Will.
KAREN: [FROM INSIDE] Go away!
WILL: Come, on. Open up. I dropped my rubber gloves in a puddle of pee I can't open the doors with my elbows.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR.]
KAREN: What do you want? Get in here.
[KAREN PULLS WILL INTO THE APARTMENT. THERE ARE TWO HISPANIC WOMEN, MARISOL AND CONCEPCION, SITTING AT A TABLE.]
KAREN: Well. Your timing could not be worse. I'm right in the middle of a game. Marisol, Concepcion, this is Will. The maricon I told you about.
CONCEPCION: Hola, Señor.
KAREN: She asked if you know Elton John. And then she said you look like a big, mincing queen.
WILL: Such an efficient language.
KAREN: Ladies, why don't you take your cigars and go up to the roof. You can touch my mink one more time on your way out. Okay. Alrighty. [SIGHS]
[MARISOL AND CONCEPCION EXIT THE APARTMENT, TOUCHING KAREN'S COAT AS THE LEAVE.]
WILL: Karen, I wanna apologize for putting you through all this.
KAREN: What are you talking about? I'm fine. I've got everything I need. A can opener, a "terlet" that's not connected to anything, and all the lead paint I can eat.
WILL: Look, you don't have to put on a brave face for me. Even though, I'm sure it cost you a fortune. I-- I know that this has gotta be a difficult adjustment for you.
KAREN: Jorge! Your mother has been looking for you for three hours! siu asno adtr aqui!
WILL: And yet when you talk to Rosario, it's "Scrubbo the tubbo." The-- The point is... It my fault you're here. I didn't have to take it this far.
KAREN: Then why did you?
WILL: I don't know. I just-- I tried help you... and then you made fun of my job, and I-- You just pushed my buttons.
KAREN: Well, isn't this funny? You know, if anybody had asked me, I would have said that you were pushing my buttons.
WILL: Really?
KAREN: Yes. I would have written that check right away if you hadn't come in all high and mighty, acting all mighty when I was high.
WILL: So, we both behaved badly out of pettiness and spite.
KAREN: Yeah. And maybe a little 'roid rage. [SIGHS] Oh. Honey, why do we do it? Why are we always at each other? Can you imagine what Nora Ephron would do with our story?
WILL: No, but I'm sure it would feel familiar. And we could sleep through most of it. Look, I'm gonna make a call. I'm gonna get you out of this.
KAREN: No, honey. That's okay. I'll finish out my week. It'll be good for me. Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I'm gonna run up to the roof and meet the girls.
WILL: Mind if I keep you company for a bit?
KAREN: Why, no. I'd like that. You know, just to be on the safe side, let's talk real loudly about how your dad's black.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(Grace and Bobbi are sitting at the table eating Chinese take-out.)
GRACE: How's the chow mein? Do you want some more?
BOBBI: Maybe. I was just distracted by your garish eye shadow. Do you really need three colors?
GRACE: Mom, this is not garish...
[GRACE STOPS AND SMILES.]
BOBBI: Why are you smiling? Are my boobs under my arms again?
GRACE: No, Mom. Well, yes, but--
[BOBBI REACHES INTO HER SHIRT AND ADJUSTS HERSELF.]
GRACE: No, I was-- I'm smiling because, whatever you say to me, I know you love me.
BOBBI: Well, of course I do, darling. I adore you.
GRACE: That's what I thought.
BOBBI: It's just like when you say I'm too old to play Julia, I know it's just your way of saying you love me.
GRACE: Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.
BOBBI: You're so sweet. I love you.
[BOBBI AND GRACE LEAN IN AND HUG AND KISS.]
GRACE: Ow. Ow.
[GRACE PULLS A CORN COB HOLDER OUT OF BOBBI'S HAIR.]
GRACE: Oh, I found the other one.
