SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Grace is sitting at the table looking through some papers; Jack is in the TV room; Karen is sitting on the sofa enjoying a cocktail as Will is talking on the phone.)
WILL: [ON PHONE] Well, thank you. That's terrific. Okay.
[WILL HANGS UP AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH GRACE.]
WILL: Hey, the Griddle Cafe just donated a brunch to my charity auction. That oughta go like-- Well, like hotcakes.
GRACE: This auction looks great. Oh, a gay cruise to Key West! I want that. Who am I kidding? A boat full of hot gay guys and an open bar... I might as well put on a bathing suit and start crying now.
JACK: What's going on, Will? Que pasta?
WILL: Oh, my charity's putting on an autumn carnival and I'm in charge of the live auction.
JACK: All right. I see what you're trying to do. You want me to donate a dinner with Jack McFarland, host of Jack Talk. Nice try. But, yes.
WILL: Heh. Why not. I've got a $ 200 dinner at the Gotham Bar and Grill. I'll just make it the Gotham Bar and Girl.
JACK: You're welcome.
KAREN: [TO WILL] So, Honey, Malcolm and I are really excited to go to your autumn carnival. Oh, and, uh, by the way, if you talk to Stan, I'm at the Star Trek convention in Anaheim until Monday morning.
GRACE: Wait, you're still seeing Malcolm? I thought you were gonna break up with him now that you're back with Stan?
KAREN: Honey, I know, but I can't. He's such a sweet man and... Well, you know me. If there's one thing I can not do, it is hurt another person's feelings.
JACK: That is so true, Karen. You do have a kind heart.
KAREN: I'm sorry, honey. I don't what it is, but your faggy little voice is just going right through me today.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(Grace is working at her desk. Malcolm enters the office.)
MALCOLM: Hi, Grace. Nice wrap dress. That Diane von Furstenberg really knows a woman's body. Vivian Westwood, she'd look good on you, too.
GRACE: I'm sorry, when did we become girlfriends?
MALCOLM: Grace, can I ask your advice? I'd like to come up with something really special that I could do for Karen...
[MALCOLM WALKS OVER TO GRACE, SMELLING HER HAIR AS HE PASSES BY HER.]
MALCOLM: To show her how much she means to me. And I was thinking of having her name tattooed on my chest, right here, nip to nip.
GRACE: Yeaah.... I wouldn't do that.
MALCOLM: Why not? Because they're uneven? Because I'm cool with it being diagonal.
GRACE: Yeaah.... I still wouldn't do it.
MALCOLM: Why not?
GRACE: I shouldn't say. It's between you and Karen.
MALCOLM: Grace, what are you talking about?
GRACE: Nothing. I really don't know--
MALCOLM: Grace. You know something, and you're going to tell me. I am skilled in many forms of interrogation, including physical torture, sleep deprivation, and Jewish guilt.
GRACE: Okay. Karen's back with Stan. They worked things out, and now she's seeing the both of you.
MALCOLM: Wow. Well, why wouldn't she tell me herself? I thought she cared about me. Just yesterday, we did it, like, 50 times.
GRACE: She does care about you-- Really, 50? God, she types up one memo and she needs a nap.
MALCOLM: Thank you, Grace. But I think I need to be alone. Please go.
GRACE: This is kind of my office.
MALCOLM: I said go.
[GRACE EXITS.]
SCENE III: A Gay Bar
(Will and Jack are standing near the bar. Will is holding flyers for his carnival. Will gives a flyer to a man passing by.)
WILL: Hi. Autumn carnival, benefiting Project Angel Food. Or in your case, Project Angel Tush.
JACK: Will, America doesn't like to think of you as sexual.
[ROSARIO WALKS BY, CARRYING A LARGE CRATE OF BEER BOTTLES ON HER SHOULDER.]
ROSARIO: On your left, ladies. On your left.
JACK: Rosie? What are you doing here?
[ROSARIO STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.]
ROSARIO: Well, since Miss Karen fired me, I've been barbacking in this dump.
WILL: Well, Rosie, that looks heavy, let me help you.
ROSARIO: Oh.
[WILL TAKES A BEER AND OPENS IT AND TAKES A DRINK. ROSARIO LOOKS AT HIM ANNOYED.]
JACK: So, Rosie, how's the crowd? Am I, like, the biggest star in the room?
ROSARIO: Probably. It's either you, or that twink who fell down a hole in the '80s.
WILL: Baby Glenn? Wow. He spent three days in that hole. I remember watching his rescue on TV.
JACK: Oh, yeah. For weeks after that, I would dress Malibu Ken up as a fireman, get in the hamper, and have my mother lower him down on a piece of string.
ROSARIO: Sometimes I do blame the parents.
[ROSARIO WALKS OFF.]
JACK: So Baby Glenn is gay.
WILL: Yeah, they did a story on "Homo Extra". I think they called it, uh, Baby Glenn: Out of One Hole and Into Another. Which I just got.
JACK: Hey, you should get him for your auction. You need another celebrity. I can't carry the whole gay community on my back.
WILL: Though I admire you for trying. I just-- I don't know how star-studded I want this thing to be. I mean, you know, do I want one person no one's heard of, or two?
JACK: Maybe I should date him. When a celebrity dates a celebrity, their fame multiplies. I must talk to this Baby Glenn.
WILL: Well you're in luck, 'cause here he comes.
JACK: Back away. It's a very delicate dance, this pas-de-deux of the elite. I must finesse what I'm going to say.
[BABY GLENN WALKS UP TO WILL AND JACK.]
JACK: I host a gay talk show.
GLENN: I fell in a hole.
JACK: Wanna date?
GLENN: Sure.
JACK: Ok.
GLENN: [TO WILL] 'Sup. Baby Glenn.
WILL: Oh, you still go by "Baby" Glenn?
GLENN: Uh, yeah. You sorta have to stick with the name you've got once you become internationally famous, so...
WILL: Are you that famous? I think people mostly knew you that week you tripped.
JACK: Uh, lover, my friend here would like to auction you off at his event.
GLENN: Sure. I'll do it. Baby Jessica's doing The View and I've gotta keep up with that bitch.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is sitting at Grace's desk waiting for Grace to enter.)
GRACE: Hey, Karen.
KAREN: Don't you "Hey, Karen" me. You just had to stick your nose job where it didn't belong, didn't you?
GRACE: I'm sorry, Karen, but Malcolm has the right to know that you're back with Stan.
KAREN: Oh yeah? Well, we had a big fight, I had to break up with him. He was devastated. But, I think we left it in a good place.
[MALCOLM ENTERS.]
MALCOLM: Jump out of all the moving taxis you want to, Karen. The argument isn't over till I say it's over. Why did you break up with me? And just before the autumn carnival.
KAREN: Don't you see? This is exactly the kind of confrontation I was trying to avoid when I threw myself onto 8th Avenue.
GRACE: Malcolm, can't you just go by yourself?
MALCOLM: [SCOFFS] I can't go to the carnival without a woman. The gays would be all over a bear like me. Besides, it's pathetic going alone.
GRACE: I'm going alone.
MALCOLM: Aren't you aggressive? I'd love to go with you. Pick me up at 8:00. And if I'm still getting ready, have a drink with my house mates.
[MALCOLM LEAVES.]
GRACE: Okay, that's crazy.
KAREN: What? A government agent can't live with two waitresses and a law student?
GRACE: Karen, I don't want to go with Malcolm.
KAREN: Oh, come on, honey, please. You owe it to him. And besides it would mean so much. Malcolm lives for a good carnival. The whole gang knows that.
GRACE: [CONFUSED] What gang?
KAREN: You, me, Will, Jack, Kenickie, Frenchy, Putzie. The gang.
SCENE V: The Project Angel Food Autumn Carnival
(The carnival is busy. Karen is sitting on some bales of hay. Will is walking around with a clipboard; Karen stops him as he walks by.)
KAREN: Hey, Wilma. Nice Autumn Carnival. This is a wonderful thing you're doing for charity.
WILL: Yeah, whatever. I'm just hoping to get a boyfriend out of all this.
[WILL WALKS OFF.]
[ROSARIO WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
ROSARIO: Hello, Miss Karen.
KAREN: Well, if it isn't the bearded lady herself. Don't I need a ticket to gape at you in awe and repulsion.
ROSARIO: I wouldn't talk, lady. I'm the person who used to pluck your chin hairs. If it weren't for me, you'd look like ZZ Top.
KAREN: I wouldn't stand so close to the carnival games if I were you. Someone might take you home thinking they won a giant Shrek doll.
[ROSARIO WALKS OFF.]
INSIDE THE BEVERAGE STORAGE TENT... JACK AND BABY GLENN ARE GETTING READY.]
JACK: So, this is my first big event as a public figure and I'm not quite sure how to act. Like, how do I treat people... how do I pose for pictures... how do I feel about the war in Azkaban.
GLENN: Just remember: We're better than everyone else, okay? For flip's sake, I'm Baby frickin' Glenn. And you're Jack frickin' Garland.
JACK: It's McFarland.
GLENN: Yeah, you're Jack Farland.
JACK: It's McFarland. Geez, what do you still have dirt in your ears?
[WILL ENTERS THE TENT.]
WILL: Uh, guys--
[BABY GLENN AND JACK GASP AT WILL'S INTRUSION.]
JACK: Excuse me, uh--
JACK: What in the hell do you think you're doing here?
WILL: This is a storage room for beverages.
JACK: Uh, maybe in your fantasy, but this is our dressing room. And quite frankly, we're not happy about it.
[BABY GLENN SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
WILL: Yeah, I know. I got your list of demands. "A chocolate fountain. A pony. And to live forever."
JACK: Now, this place needs to be room of refuge. You know, for when we're on break.
WILL: What break?
JACK: From performing.
WILL: You're not performing.
JACK: I know, we're on break.
WILL: Guys, all you have to do is stand on stage while unsuspecting people bid on you. Okay? Now, I got to start this auction. Where's the microphone? I left it right here.
GLENN: Yeah, I took it. I thought it was part of my gift bag.
WILL: There are no gift bags, okay?! You each get one can of Fanta. That's it.
[WILL GRABS THE MICROPHONE OUT OF GLENN'S HAND.]
GLENN: Okay. This is ridiculous. We can not have this kind of stress before we go on.
JACK: Yeah--
WILL: You are not "going on"! Neither one of you is a celebrity. Okay? "Baby" Glenn. I mean, you weren't even a baby when you fell in that hole. You were twelve years old! They just called you a baby because you cried for three straight days!
GLENN: Well... Somebody's jealous they didn't get stuck in a hole. That's what I got from that.
[GLENN WALKS OUT OF THE TENT.]
JACK: How dare you... talk to my boyfriend like that. You're lucky we even showed up to your piece of crap event. Do you know that man opened over 20 grocery stores? You respect him.
[JACK GRABS A CAN OF SODA AND POPS THE TOP AND TAKES A SIP.]
WILL: Well, you're right. You know, when you hear "Baby Glenn," you do think, "Hey, I've heard of him." But, Jack... you host a local gay talk show whose timeslot is between nine hours of "The Golden Girls" and six queens standing in front of a rainbow flag singing "Oh, gays can you see."
JACK: You are a jealous, bitter queen. You can't stand that I am somebody and you are nobody. I shouldn't even be having this conversation. It is beneath my dignity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take my free fan of canta and go clean the llama poop off my shoe.
[JACK PICKS UP HIS SODA AND EXITS THE TENT.]
[ELSEWHERE AT THE AUTUMN CARNIVAL.... GRACE AND MALCOLM ARE WALKING AROUND. GRACE SPOTS A COTTON CANDY STAND.]
GRACE: [GASPS] Cotton candy!
[GRACE PICKS UP A ]
GRACE: Once at a fair in junior high, this kid dared me to eat, like, ten sticks of this stuff. I got pretty far, and then ["VOMIT" SOUND] bleh-- All over my face and my clothes and-- Oh, then I had my first kiss...
MALCOLM: You are a real charmer, Grace Adler. Thank you for coming on this date with me.
GRACE: Sure. It was my pleasure.
[MALCOLM REACHES INTO HIS PANTS POCKET AND PULLS IT INSIDE OUT, LEAVING IT STICKING OUT OF HIS PANTS.]
MALCOLM: Hold my pocket.
GRACE: What?
MALCOLM: I like when my girls do that.
GRACE: No. I'm not gonna hold your pocket.
MALCOLM: You're my girl. You'll hold my pocket.
[ELSEWHERE AT THE AUTUMN CARNIVAL.... WILL IS AT THE PODIUM HOSTING THE LIVE AUCTION.]
WILL: And now for one of our featured items. A dinner with everyone's favorite clumsy, lovable pre-teen from the 80s. You loved him in the hole, you'll love him at Bagel Nosh. Baby Glenn.
[THE AUDIENCE APPLAUSES.]
[BABY GLENN WALKS ONTO THE STAGE.]
GLENN: Thank you. "Help, help, I'm in a hole!"
[BABY GLENN CHUCKLES AT HIS JOKE.]
GLENN: [QUIETLY TO WILL] They know the underpants stay on, right?
WILL: What should we start the bidding at?
GLENN: Thousand.
WILL: I don't think you're gonna go for a thousand.
GUY #1: A thousand!
WILL: What? A thousand?
GUY #2: 1100!
WILL: 1100? Wow. Okay. Going once, going twice.
GLENN: Wow. That's even more than we raised at the hands across my hole benefit.
[ELSEWHERE AT THE AUTUMN CARNIVAL.... GRACE FINDS KAREN, WHO IS STILL SITTING ON THE HAY.]
GRACE: Karen. I need to talk to you. Malcolm's a mess.
[KAREN SIGHS.]
GRACE: He's made me his girlfriend. He wants me to hold his pocket. You've got to fix this. Go talk to him.
KAREN: And hurt him again? Honey, I can't!
GRACE: Oh, Karen. You are the same woman who blindfolded Rosie, gave her a stick, and told her a beehive was a piñata.
KAREN: Some good came from that. We learned she was allergic. All right, all right. I'll do it.
[BACK AT THE AUCTION...]
WILL: Ladies and gentlemen, next you'll be bidding on dinner with the host of Out TV's critically... acknowledged show, "Jack Talk"... Jack McFarland.
[JACK WALKS ONTO THE STAGE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY TO WILL] When you see how famous I am, you will rue McClanahan the day you doubted me.
WILL: You got a booger.
[JACK CHECKS HIS NOSE.]
WILL: I'm gonna start the bidding at 100 dollars. Anybody, 100 dollars.
[THE AUDIENCE IS SILENT.]
JACK: They know the underpants come off, right?
WILL: Folks, dinner with Jack McFarland? 100 dollars?
[THE AUDIENCE IS SILENT.]
WILL: The meal itself is worth 200, so you're gonna come out okay on this one.
[THE AUDIENCE IS SILENT.]
WILL: You'll be helping needy people.
JACK: Forget it, Will. You were right. Nobody knows who I am.
WILL: Wait, wait wait-- I have an opening bid of $ 100!
[WILL POINTS TO THE AUDIENCE. EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND.]
WILL: Oh! 200! 200, do I hear 250? 500! Jack! Did you hear that gasp?
JACK: No, I did not.
[WILL EXCITEDLY POINTS AROUND AUDIENCE AS HE UPS THE BID.]
WILL: I have 500 dollars. 6, 7, 8, 9! I have a thousand dollars! 11 hundred-- 12, 13, 14, 15 hundred dollars! Sold for 15 hundred dollars! Thank you, sir!
JACK: Oh, my God, auctions are so exciting! The hands went up so fast, I didn't see 'em!
SCENE VI: The Project Angel Food Autumn Carnival
(Elsewhere at the autumn carnival… Grace finds Karen, who sitting at a hot dog stand.)
GRACE: Did you talk to Malcolm? How did it go?
KAREN: Perfect. We're getting back together. He's taking me to Cancun for a week. Maybe I'll take some jeans and trade 'em for a new maid.
GRACE: Karen, I know you don't want to hurt him, but you're hurting him by lying to him.
KAREN: Here he comes!
GRACE: Break up with him.
KAREN: I'm scared!
GRACE: I'll be right here, no matter what.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Thanks.
GRACE: Oh, funnel cake.
KAREN: Ah--
[GRACE WALKS OFF TO GET A FUNNEL CAKE.]
GRACE: [OFF SCREEN] $ 2.50?!
[MALCOLM WALKS UP TO KAREN HOLDING A STUFFED PANDA BEAR.]
MALCOLM: Hey, baby. Look what I won you. Isn't it cute?
KAREN: Oh. [KAREN CHUCKLES.]
MALCOLM: You can put it next to the bed, stuff a camera inside it, and record us while we're doing it.
KAREN: Malcolm, you're making it hard.
MALCOLM: Whoa, let's wait until the camera's inside the bear.
KAREN: It's-- it's just that--
[MALCOLM'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
MALCOLM: Excuse me, I have to take this.
KAREN: Okay.
MALCOLM: [ANSWERING PHONE] This is René. [TO KAREN] That's my real name, I'll explain it later.
MALCOLM: [ON PHONE] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Was it code red or code green? Well, How am I supposed to know what to wear? Well, what are you wearing. Great, we're going to look like twins. Okay, let's review the mission. Sri Lanka, 1100 hours, Singapore Airlines. I call the window seat. I called it first. Goodbye.
[MALCOLM HANGS UP.]
MALCOLM: I'm sorry, but I have to go, to, uh... New Hampshire. For jury duty. I'm gonna be gone for 6 to 18 months.
KAREN: Wait a minute. You're from New Hampshire?
MALCOLM: I'm sorry, Karen, I know it's not fair to ask you to wait, So I'm going to have to break up with you. Goodbye, baby.
[MALCOLM KISSES KAREN AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY.]
KAREN: Malcolm?
MALCOLM: Yes?
KAREN: Sailboats and sunsets?
MALCOLM: Sailboats and sunsets, baby.
[MALCOLM WALKS OFF. GRACE RETURNS WITH A FUNNEL CAKE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO KAREN.]
GRACE: So romantic. What does that mean?
KAREN: It's too complicated to explain... He nailed me on a windjammer at 6:17 PM.
GRACE: That was complicated. Thanks for taking the time to explain it. [Sighs]
KAREN: You know, Grace, I know I did the right thing, but I'm sad to see him go.
GRACE: You know what always makes me feel better?
KAREN: What's that?
GRACE: Funnel cake.
KAREN: Honey, can I have some?
GRACE: Yeah, the stand's right over there.
[KAREN SIGHS AS GRACE STUFFS A BIG PIECE OF FUNNEL CAKE IN HER MOUTH.]
SCENE VII: The Project Angel Food Autumn Carnival
(Elsewhere at the autumn carnival.... Jack is sitting on the stage at the empty auction area when Will walks up.)
WILL: Hey, there's the 1500 dollar man. Pretty great, right?
[WILL SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACK.]
JACK: I know no one was bidding on me, Will. Just when I thought I was famous, it got ripped away. I feel like Terri Hatcher six years ago. And Terri Hatcher six years from now.
WILL: You're wrong, Jack. Somebody did bid on you. I have his check right here.
[WILL PULLS A CHECK OUT OF HIS POCKET.]
JACK: Who?
WILL: Me.
[JACK TAKES THE CHECK AND LOOKS AT IT.]
JACK: Heh. You have Care Bears on your checks.
WILL: I thought they were polar bears when I ordered them.
[WILL GRABS THE CHECK BACK.]
JACK: I don't get it. Why would you bid on me?
WILL: Because years from know, I want to be able to say "I knew him when..." And look what you've done, Jack. You went from Just Jack! to Jack 2001! to Jack 2002! to Jack Talk! I mean, your hands have never been out of work.
[JACK SMILES AND NODS TO HIMSELF.]
JACK: Maybe I have done okay.
WILL: "Okay"? You're on your way. You're passionate, you're driven, you work hard. I know it's going to happen for you.
JACK: Thank you, Will. I love you.
WILL: I love you, too.
[JACK BACKS AWAY FROM WILL.]
JACK: So, that's why you bought the dinner? You are unbelievable! Do not watch my ass as I leave.
[JACK GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY.]
