SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Will is sitting at the table reading a magazine as Grace gets a cup of coffee.)
WILL: Okay, look at this picture. If you look at it closely, I swear you can see Katie Holmes mouthing, "Help me."
GRACE: Please. She made her own twin beds.
[JACK ENTERS THE APARTMENT BACKWARDS, PULLING A TWO-WHEEL HAND TRUCK.]
[JACK LOOKS UP AND NOTICES THAT WILL AND GRACE ARE HOME.]
JACK: Oh, my god, you're home. I'll just come back later.
WILL: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's with the hand truck?
JACK: It's not what it looks like. I just came to take your sofa.
GRACE: Why do you need our sofa?
JACK: Well, I really wanted to do something to spruce up my talk show, 'cause I have a really exciting guest. Even better than the guest on my first episode.
WILL: Better than a moustache drawn on your hand that you said was Lou Diamond Phillips? I find that hard to believe.
JACK: Oh. Okay. Well, there's somebody who's not gonna get to meet Harrison Ford!
WILL: [POINTING TO JACK] And there's someone else who's not gonna get to meet Harrison Ford.
JACK: [IGNORING WILL, TO GRACE] Anyway, Grace. Would you like to help me with my set? I asked the art department to spruce it up, but they're all lesbians, and I feel like it needs a woman's touch.
GRACE: Sure, Jack. But you should know better than to stereotype lesbians. Ooh, while I'm there, I can have of them fix my watch.
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ENTER. ROSARIO IS PULLING A ROLLING SUITCASE.]
KAREN: Hey, kids. Just stopped by to say hi.
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] You live here now. I never want to see you again. [TO EVERYONE ELSE] See you later!
[KAREN EXITS.]
WILL: Karen! What are you doing?
ROSARIO: She still won't forgive me for knowing Mr. Stan was alive. And she'll come to realize that I only did it because I love her. Or when she needs a bong buddy.
[ROSARIO WHEELS HER SUITCASE INTO THE GUEST BEDROOM.]
[KAREN RETURNS CARRYING A CARDBOARD BOX.]
KAREN: Well, here it is. Everything she had when I first brought her home. A doll made of sticks, a moth-eaten blanket, and her degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Texas.
[KAREN PUTS THE BOX ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS.]
GRACE: Karen. Rosie can't live with us.
KAREN: Why? Because she's black, Grace?
WILL: Karen, she can stay for a few days. But, sooner or later, you're gonna have to deal with what happened with Stan.
KAREN: What? Honey, I'm fine. I'm moving on with my life. I'm dating Malcolm. I've joined Curves. Oh! And I finally got into the Harry Potter books. You know I say I root for Gryffindor, but secretly I love my Slytherin boys. Ha ha!
SCENE II: Karen's Penthouse
(Karen is sitting listening to one of her maids, Hurumi, plays the violin.)
KAREN: That was heartbreaking, Hurumi. You are an extraordinary talent.
HURUMI: Arigato!
KAREN: Oh, and by the way, somebody threw up on the radiator next to the toilet again. It's pretty baked on, but you can probably scrape most of it off with your bow.
[HUMUMI FROWNS AND EXITS.]
[WILL TAPS ON THE DOOR AND ENTERS.]
WILL: Hey, Karen. I hope you don't mind, I let myself in. Although, considering this is a 17 bedroom mansion, should you really leave the front door unlocked?
KAREN: Nah. What is there to take in here.
WILL: Well, it's not so much as what might get stolen, as how many of your staff might try to escape.
[WILL SITS DOWN NEXT TO KAREN.]
WILL: Look... I'm- I'm worried that you're not dealing with this whole Stan being alive thing. I think you're in denial about your feelings.
KAREN: Wait a minute. You're using psychiatry on me. I've read all the studies on psychiatry. Have you? Hmm? It's a pseudo-science and it doesn't exist. And neither do postpartum depression or Brooke Shields.
WILL: You don't have to put up a wall with me. I've seen you punching coat check girls, swallowing buttons you thought were pills, shooting at the birds in your wallpaper. So come on, talk to me.
KAREN: I don't know.
WILL: Come on. Start taking that wall down one brick at a time. Come on, just one brick.
KAREN: Just one?
WILL: Yeah. Come on, I'll be right beside you. Take that brick down.
KAREN: Okay.
[KAREN CLOSES HER EYES AND PULLS AN IMAGINARY BRICK OUT OF AN IMAGINARY WALL IN FRONT OF HER.]
WILL: Now, what do you see?
[KAREN OPENS HER EYES AND SCREAMS. WILL AND KAREN PUSH THE BRICK BACK IN.]
WILL: Too quick. My fault. I shouldn't have pushed you that hard. And please, swear to me, you'll never tell me what was behind that brick.
[WILL LOOKS AT KAREN. HER HEAD IS DOWN AND SHE IS CRYING.]
WILL: Are you crying?
KAREN: Honey, I missed Stanley so much. And know I find out that he's alive and that he lied to me. It hurts, Will. I feel empty and confused... and even more alone than I did when thought he was dead.
WILL: Karen, c'mere. C'mere.
[WILL SITS NEXT TO KAREN AND HOLDS HER CLOSE. SHE HUGS HIM AND PUTS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER AND BEGINS CRYING.]
WILL: You just let it all out. That's it. Now, you feel better?
[KAREN SOBS AND WAILS.]
WILL: You take all the time you need.
[WILL CONTINUES TO HOLD KAREN, RUBBING HER BACK.]
[LATER THAT NIGHT...]
[WILL IS STILL HOLDING KAREN, WHO IS STILL SOBBING AND WAILING.]
[WILL LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND REACHES BEHIND KAREN'S BACK AND PICKS UP HER MARTINI AND TAKES A SIP, THEN GRABS A HANDFUL OF PEANUTS.]
SCENE III: Out TV, the Set of Jack Talk
(Jack is standing by his desk as Grace sets up some pillows on the sofa. The set has a new sofa and rug and coffee table.)
GRACE: I'm sorry, Jack. I thought I'd have more time before the show.
JACK: No, Grace. This is great!
GRACE: Thank you. It just needed, you know, a touch of elegance.
[GRACE FLUFFS THE PILLOWS AND PULLS SOMETHING OUT OF COUCH CUSHION.]
GRACE: Oh, hello, Life Saver!
[JACK WINCES IN DISGUST.]
GRACE: What? I'm not gonna eat it.
[GRACE TURNS AWAY FROM JACK AND PUTS IT INTO HER MOUTH.]
GRACE: I wonder what else is in here.
[GRACE BEGINS DIGGING UNDER THE COUCH CUSHIONS.]
[JACK'S ASSISTANT DAVE ENTERS THE SET.]
DAVE: Uh, Jack, we have a problem.
JACK: Uh, if you got someone pregnant, straighty, that's your problem, not mine.
DAVE: We don't have Harrison Ford.
JACK: What?! Why would you swear we had him if we didn't have him?
DAVE: Because you said if we didn't have him, I'd be fired.
JACK: [SIGHS] Okay, I probably shouldn't have said that. Just don't let it happen again, okay? Now. Do we have Angelina Jolie for tomorrow? If you say "no," you're fired.
DAVE: [PAUSES] She's super excited to meet you.
JACK: Great. Okay.
[DAVE RUNS OFF THE SET.]
JACK: [SIGHS] Now, what am I gonna do for a guest?
STAGE MANAGER: We're on in five, four, three, two...
[THE LIGHTS GO DOWN AND MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING.]
JACK: Welcome to "Jack Talk"! Today's guest, interior designer Grace Adler!
[JACK POINTS TO THE SOFA. GRACE IS BENT OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA, WITH HER BUTT FACING THE AUDIENCE.]
[THE AUDIENCES GOES CRAZY WITH APPLAUSE.]
JACK: All right, settle down, ladies. It's not like I brought Judy back to life.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND SITS DOWN, CONFUSED.]
JACK: Thanks for being on the show, Grace!
GRACE: [UNDER HER BREATH] What the hell's going on?
JACK: Isn't she hilarious? Hey, Kathy Griffin, you're not the only funny red-head over 40!
[JACK LAUGHS AND SLAPS HIS HAND ON A DESK BELL SITTING ON HIS DESK.]
[JACK LOOKS AT GRACE. AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
GRACE: [WHISPERING TO JACK] Um... I think I'm gonna go.
[GRACE GETS UP TO LEAVE.]
JACK: Hey, here's a fun fact about Grace. She lives with a gay man.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
GRACE: Oh, yeah. Um, yeah, I have for a while. He's been my best friend for years.
[THE AUDIENCE CLAPS.]
GRACE: Thank you! I'm also very involved in the New York gay scene.
JACK: That's right. Grace has closed more gay bars than the Department of Health.
[JACK DINGS THE BELL.]
[GRACE CHUCKLES AND SITS BACK DOWN ON THE SOFA.]
GRACE: And, like my mother always says, if you love gay men so much, why don't you just marry one. Believe me, I've tried!
[GRACE REACHES TO SLAP THE BELL, BUT JACK MOVES IT AND SHE SMACKS THE DESK.]
JACK: Sounds like you love everything about gay men.
GRACE: Not true. Jack Talk audience, can we speak seriously for just a moment?
[THE AUDIENCE LEANS IN.]
GRACE: There is one thing I don't like. I don't like gay men... who don't like themselves.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
JACK: I could listen to you talk forever. I could. But who wants to watch me make a protein shake?
[THE AUDIENCE CLAPS. JACK PULLS A TOWEL OFF A BLENDER SITTING ON HIS DESK AND TURNS IT ON.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(Will is in the kitchen when the door suddenly slams open. Karen is disheveled, her hair undone and her make-up is runny.)
KAREN: What did you do to me?!
WILL: Uh, healed you?
KAREN: Do I look healed to you?! I took a few bricks out, the whole damned building collapsed! I can't eat, I can't sleep. Yesterday, I was so upset, I walked into the Mercer Hotel and threw a phone at the front desk clerk.
WILL: Karen, I-I'm sorry, but if you want to get--
[WILL WALKS TOWARDS KAREN.]
KAREN: Get away from me! I want to be alone. I haven't felt this emotionally raw and exposed since Penthouse published those photos of me and Vanessa Williams.
[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND LEAVES.]
[ROSARIO ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.]
ROSARIO: [TO WILL] Um, do you think Grace would mind if borrowed this?
[ROSARIO HOLDS UP A TINY BLACK TANK TOP.]
WILL: That's mine.
SCENE V: A Hair Salon
(Grace is sitting in a chair getting her hair done by three men. Her cell phone rings.)
GRACE: [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Hello?
[CUT TO WILL'S APARTMENT. JACK AND ROSARIO ARE SITTING ON THE LOVE SEAT WATCHING TV.]
JACK: [INTO PHONE] Grace, where are you? Why aren't you watching "Jack Talk?"
[CUT TO THE HAIR SALON.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I am! I'm getting my hair done, but I've got channel 749 on right now. [TO THE HAIRDRESSERS] Guys, when you hear what I said about gays, I think you're gonna be pretty happy. Maybe even free hot oil treatment happy.
[CUT TO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
JACK: [INTO PHONE] All right Grace, look, I gotta go. I can hear myself through the phone, on your TV, on Will's TV, in my head. It's too much of a good thing.
[JACK AND GRACE HANG UP.]
[CUT TO THE HAIR SALON.]
GRACE: Oh, here comes my serious moment. Turn it up, Hector.
[HECTOR PICKS UP THE REMOTE AND TURNS UP THE VOLUME. THEY ALL LOOK AT THE TV.]
GRACE ON TV: Can I speak seriously for just a moment? There is one thing I don't like. I don't like gay men.
[THE SHOW CUTS TO JACK RUNNING THE BLENDER.]
[GRACE GASPS AND THE HAIRDRESSERS GLARE AT HER.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(Later. Jack is getting a bottle of water from the fridge. Rosario is sitting on the sofa knitting.)
JACK: You know, it's kinda weird. The way that episode was edited, it almost makes it seem like Grace hates gay men. Do you think she noticed?
ROSARIO: I'm sure it's fine. I just hope you're okay with having only one testicle.
[GRACE ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. SHE IS STILL WEARING THE BARBER'S SMOCK. HER HAIR IS HUGE, AND A COMPLETE MESS; THERE IS A BRUSH AND SODA CAN STICKING IN IT. THE SMOCK IS COVERED IN STAINS.]
ROSARIO: [TO JACK] Simba looks angry.
[ROSARIO GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BACK BEDROOM.]
[SHE PUTS HER HAND ON HER HIPS AND GLARES AT JACK.]
GRACE: I hate gays?
JACK: Yeah, I know, Grace. You said it on my show, remember?
GRACE: Do you have any idea what I have been through? On my way over here, I was egged in the East Village. Egg-whited in the West Village. And in Chelsea, some vicious queen threw a skinless chicken breast at me as he roller bladed by!
JACK: I'm sorry, Grace. The show ran crazy long. I had to cut something if I wanted to keep my full four minutes of me making that shake.
GRACE: Ugh. Okay, see that makes sense.
JACK: Uh-huh.
GRACE: Now that I know the context.
JACK: Uh-huh. Right.
GRACE: Yeah!
JACK: It's almost kind of funny, right?
GRACE: Kind of? It's hilarious! I mean, look, I paid two hundred bucks for this!
[JACK AND GRACE LAUGH.]
JACK: Stick a pencil up your ass, you're a troll doll.
[GRACE HOLDS HER ARMS AND HANDS OUT LIKE A TROLL DOLL AND THEY LAUGH.]
JACK: So, good show, right?
GRACE: Yes! Come here, I wanna give you a hug.
[GRACE GRABS JACK AROUNDS THE WAIST AND SQUEEZES.]
JACK: [GRUNTING] Uh! I'm beginning to think you're not taking this so well.
GRACE: I am not homophobic, you mincing little squirrel. So, here's what you're gonna do, Alice. You're gonna put me on your next show so I can clear my name.
JACK: [GRUNTING] Uh... Can't... Have... Angelina Jolie.
[GRACE SQUEEZES AND JACK'S BACK CRACKS.]
JACK: Aah!
SCENE VII: Karen's Favorite Bar
(Karen is sitting at the bar talking to Smitty the bartender.)
KAREN: Smitty, do you ever think about giving up? You know, just ending it all.
SMITTY: Funny you should ask. Tonight is the anniversary of the fire that killed my identical twin, and I've never felt more alone.
KAREN: [LAUGHS HEARTILY] Ho-ho! Now how is it that you're tending bar and Jimmy Kimmel has his own show? It's just not right.
WILL: There you are.
KAREN: Ugh. Get lost, Wilma. Thanks to you, I've got all these awful memories flooding back. My dog getting hit a car. My three-legged dog getting hit by a slower car. My dog, on a little cart, rolling under a school bus.
WILL: Well, as hard as it is remembering these things, dealing with them is how you heal. Was this all the same dog? Why wasn't he on a leash?
KAREN: "Deal with things?" Who are you to talk about dealing with things?
WILL: What do you mean? I deal.
KAREN: Oh, please. You're zipped up tighter than Star Jones in a... well, really anything with a zipper. That's why you spend all of your time fixing everybody else's problems so you don't have to look at your own.
WILL: That's crap.
KAREN: Really? Then why don't we take a few little bricks out of Will's wall, huh?
WILL: Go ahead. But you're not gonna find anything back there, 'cause when something comes into my life, I tend to it. Then move on.
KAREN: Hmm. So you don't keep the remnants of your career back there?
WILL: I quit my job to do something meaningful.
KAREN: And how's that going for ya?
WILL: It takes time to find the right thing.
KAREN: Apparently, that applies to boyfriends, too, because the only man that you've had a successful relationship with is Grace.
WILL: I've had tons of successful relationships!
KAREN: That all ended.
WILL: Successfully!
KAREN: Well, I'm glad you've got it all figured out, Will. Because if I were you, I'd be worried.
WILL: Oh, yeah? Well, don't be. 'Cause what I have is a fresh start. It's exciting, actually. You know? I-I'm unemployed. I'm single. I'm 41. The world is my-- Oh, just put me on a little cart and roll me under a school bus.
[WILL PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN IN HIS HANDS. KAREN NODS HER HEAD AND TAKES A DRINK.]
SCENE VIII: Out TV, The Set of Jack Talk
(Jack is sitting behind his desk. The show has just started.)
JACK: Hi, I'm Jack McFarland. Welcome to "Jack Talk!" Today I have my exclusive follow up interview with Grace Adler. Woman misunderstood or homophobic monster? Let's give her a warm welcome.
[GRACE ENTERS THE SET.]
AUDIENCE: Boo!
JACK: Okay, all right. All right. Hey! Give her a chance. She hasn't even sat down yet. Okay?
[JACK HELPS GRACE SIT DOWN.]
JACK: Now, I need to correct an editing mistake from yesterday. I've known little Grace Adler here for many, many years and she is not a homophobe.
GRACE: I'm not.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes, you are, yes you are!
AUDIENCE: BOO!
JACK: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! All right, hey now. Let's take a deep breath, okay?
[JACK TAKES A DEEP BREATH]
JACK: Oh, Grace, I think you broke a rib yesterday when you attacked me.
AUDIENCE: BOO!
GRACE: No, no-- I was hugging him.
AUDIENCE: [VERY LOUD] BOO!
GRACE: Oh, shut up! [SCREAMING] Shut up!
[THE AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN.]
GRACE: Shame on you! Bad queens! Bad queens. Do you even know who you're booing? I have been devoted to you for decades. When I was a little girl, I showed you mine when you showed me yours. Even though you didn't care. When I was in high school, I showed you mine when you showed me yours, even though you didn't care. And when I was in my twenties, I slept with you, even though you still didn't care.
GRACE: [CRYING] And now, you sneer at me at the Chelsea Market, and you-- [CRYING] you throw macaroni salad at me on Christopher Street? [SOBBING] And it's so not fair, because I love you people! I have always loved you in a very unhealthy way. For my own personal development, [SOBBING] so now love me back, dammit!
[THE AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS. THEY GET UP AND SURROUND GRACE AND HUG HER.]
SCENE IX: Karen's Penthouse
(Will is sitting down. He is drunk. Karen is pouring herself a Martini.)
WILL: You seem fine. Why are you so drank when we together the same amount?
KAREN: Honey, you don't look so good. Not so much fun peeking behind the wall, is it?
WILL: No. People like us, we should just leave the walls up and all the feelings on the other side.
KAREN: What you say we start stacking those bricks back, huh?
WILL: Good idea. Me first. Um... Oh! The time that the football team caught me kissing that poster... of the football team. Never happened.
[WILL PUTS AN IMAGINARY BRICK BACK IN THE WALL.]
KAREN: My eighth birthday, which my mother celebrated by changing my name and moving us to Vancouver. Good-bye.
[KAREN PUTS THE "BRICK" BACK.]
WILL: Hmm. Ooh, or the time I told my first boyfriend I loved him and he said, "Did you just eat falafel?" Doesn't hurt.
[WILL PUTS THE "BRICK" BACK.]
KAREN: The horrible, muffled cries of Patty Hearst from behind that closet door. Never happened.
WILL: Oh, what about-- what about Stan coming back? That's-- that's a big ole brick.
KAREN: I think I need to leave that one out for a while.
WILL: Really?
KAREN: Well, it hurts, but I may need to take a peek again.
WILL: Huh. I'll leave one out, too. I had the perfect guy, and the perfect job, and I threw it all away.
KAREN: Honey, I said leave out a brick, not blow out an archway. But, you know... I do feel a little better.
WILL: Yeah? I'm glad. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
KAREN: Okay. Second door on your left.
[KAREN PUSHES WILL UP AND HE EXITS.]
KAREN: [YELLING TO HER MAID] Hurumi! Get your violin and spatula and meet Mr. Truman in the john!
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(Grace, Jack, and Will are sitting on the love seat watching the end of "Jack Talk".)
GRACE ON TV: Love me back, dammit!
WILL: Wow.
GRACE: And that was my fourth take.
JACK: I'm sorry we had to keep doing it. Stupid sound man. New rule, you gotta be at least thirteen to work on the show.
WILL: Wait a minute, you did that four times? How did you remember it?
GRACE: Please. Any hag worth her salt has that speech ready to go for the day you guys turn. Wanna hear it in Spanish? Qué es la problema con su gente? No soy un homophobe!
