SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Will and Grace enter, returning from the coffee shop. Grace is carrying a small bag and Will is carrying a cup carrier with two coffees.)
GRACE: Okay, gimme my latte.
[WILL LOOKS AT THE CUPS.]
WILL: Why does yours say Patrice?
[WILL GIVES GRACE HER CUP OF COFFEE.]
GRACE: Oh, that's my coffee name.
WILL: You have a coffee name?
GRACE: There's a lot you don't know about me. Eh, maybe that's all.
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
BOBBI [VOICE]: Hello, dear. It's your mother.
GRACE: Calling from heaven, I hope.
BOBBI [VOICE]: Bad news about your father's birthday this weekend, dear. Your sisters can't make it. So it'll just be you and me and the old putz. Hm. Did I hang up? I can't tell if I hung up. I can't--I can't tell. This-- Martin! [DIAL-TONE]
GRACE: What? Just me and them? Oh, no, that ain't gonna happen. It's gonna be me, them, and you.
WILL: No, no, no. No, no, there's no way Tyler's going all the way up there.
GRACE: Tyler?
WILL: That's my getting-out-of-going-to-your-parent's-house name. Why do you need me anyway? I thought you were going with Karen?
GRACE: No, she's just dropping me off on her way up to Canyon Ranch. She's getting two things removed and one thing added on. I didn't ask for details.
[JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Hey, Tyler. Hey, Patrice.
GRACE: Hey, Jack how would you like to--
JACK: Uh, no, I'm not going to your dad's birthday party. You should know by now, I listen to your answering machine. Besides... I've been busy developing my new show at Out TV. It's very hush-hush, very secret, very Wisteria Lane. And yet, I found the time to do a big fat favor for my big fat friend! I've set you up on a blind date with one of the hottest guys in the city.
WILL: Well, I guess that means two of the hottest guys in the city will be sitting at one table. [WILL CHUCKLES.]
GRACE: No.
WILL: Okay, I'll do it. It's only because it gives me an actual excuse not to go to your father's birthday party.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Every time I go up there, I just end up being the butt of his jokes for the entire visit.
JACK: You know, Grace, I just realized. I've never met your father. In my mind, I've cast him as Judd Hirsch. America's favorite cranky Jew.
GRACE: He hasn't noticed anything I've done since I was 12-years-old, let the door open and the cat got out. Tells the story over and over. It's not even funny.
JACK: Well, if you're still looking for it--
[JACK CLICKS HIS TOUNGUE AND RUBS GRACE'S FUR SHAWL]
JACK: Meow.
SCENE II: The Adler House, Schenactady, New York
(Grace and Karen have arrived at Grace's parents' home.)
BOBBI: Well, Grace, was it a long drive? I mean, did you have to pee a lot? [TO KAREN] Did she have to pee a lot?
KAREN: I had to pull over three times 'cause her majesty here is too good for a Big Gulp cup.
GRACE: I'm sorry if I was self-conscious with you shouting "fill it up and win a prize."
BOBBI: Well, I was just afraid of missing you before I had to go to Utica. Mmm! You like my hair? It's reversible. Whoo.
GRACE: Wait, what-- Wait, you're leaving?
BOBBI: I can't help that, dear. You know, Edith Cratz, she sprained her knee because she was running away from that robot vacuum cleaner. Yes, so, well, I'm replacing her in Les Mis. Oh, it's gonna be a fabulous production. We have a cast of six.
GRACE: Wait, so you're leaving me alone with Dad? What--what am I supposed to do with him? Ma, this is worse than the time that you told me that you were gonna take me out for ice cream, and you ended up dropping me off at camp!
BOBBI: Well did they, or did they not have ice cream there? [YELLING] Martin, your daughter's here!
MARTIN: [VOICE] I hope it's the good one.
[MARTIN ADLER ENTERS THE ROOM.]
MARTIN: Well, I guess this one will do. But we better close the doors. We don't want the cat running off again, right Gracie?
GRACE: Hi, Daddy. Daddy, you remember Karen?
MARTIN: How could I forget Karen? She arm-wrestled me for beers, and then stole my heart medication.
KAREN: That was a good buzz. I talked to Jesus.
BOBBI: Well, I've gotta run. Oh, Martin, have a wonderful birthday. And I'm giving you a present. You won't hear from me for two days.
MARTIN: And it fits me perfectly. I love it.
[BOBBI KISSES MARTIN.]
BOBBI: Bye, dear. Bye-bye.
[BOBBI EXITS.]
MARTIN: [TO GRACE] So?
GRACE: So.
[KAREN CHUCKLES TO HERSELF.]
KAREN: It's funny 'cause it's awkward.
MARTIN: So how's work? They--they like you there?
GRACE: Uh, Dad, it's just me and Karen.
MARTIN: Ah.
KAREN: And the answer is no. [KAREN GIGGLES.]
MARTIN: Well, I'm gonna go grab a sandwich. And, uh, keep the door closed because I haven't read the paper yet. And I don't want it to run off like the cat.
[MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.]
[GRACE FAKE LAUGHS AT HIS "JOKE".]
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, he's starting in on the jokes already. Ugh.
KAREN: Honey, if you don't like your relationship with your father, you should try and change it. Spend some time with him. Talk to him.
GRACE: Maybe you're right. Maybe I'll use this weekend to show him that I'm more than a punch line or just someone who leaves the door open.
[MARTIN'S FRIEND BURT WOLFE ENTERS.]
BURT: Hey, front door's wide open. I figured Grace must be here.
GRACE: Hi, Mr. Wolfe.
BURT: Gimme a huggie.
[BURT HUGS GRACE.]
BURT: Okay. Oh, where's pop?
GRACE: He's in th--
BURT: [TO KAREN] And how you doin', darlin'?
[BURT PUTS HIS ARM AROUND KAREN.]
BURT: Burt Wolfe, semi-retired.
[BURT PULLS A PEN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO KAREN. HE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.]
KAREN: Karen Walker. Semi-hard. [READING THE PEN] "Burt Wolfe, Dry Cleaner." Oh, my God, honey. Have you ever heard anything sexier?
SCENE III: A Restaurant
(Will's date, Desmond, is sitting at a table alone. Will enters the restaurant and walks up to Desmond.)
WILL: Hi. I'm Will. You must be my blind date.
DESMOND: Hi, I'm Desmond. You must be my sighted date.
WILL: Oh, so you're actually--
DESMOND: Oh, I hope you're not going to say wearing the same outfit as you.
[WILL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
DESMOND: I guess Jack didn't tell you I was blind. Look, this has happened before. So if you're, uh, having second thoughts.
WILL: Oh, no, no. I just wish I'd known. I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to pick out the right shirt.
[WILL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
WILL: That wasn't offensive, was it?
DESMOND: No, only racial stuff offends me. I am black, right?
[WILL LAUGHS.]
WILL: Please, sit.
[WILL AND DESMOND SIT DOWN.]
WILL: Um, anyway, why would I want to end the date? You're cute. And, uh, when you get right down to it, that's all that really matters anyway.
DESMOND: Do you mind if I, uh, see what you look like?
WILL: Oh, sure. Feel away. I don't usually say that in the first five minutes of a date.
[DESMOND REACHES OUT AND WILL GUIDES HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE.]
[DESMOND FEELS AROUND ON WILL'S FACE.]
DESMOND: Huh. Oh. Hmm. Oh. Jack did not mention that.
[DESMOND PULLS AWAY.]
WILL: Did you not like what you felt? You don't think I'm good looking?
DESMOND: No, no, no, no. Just-- It's just annoying is what it is.
WILL: What?
DESMOND: That because I'm the blind guy, I get stuck with the dogs.
WILL: Excuse me! I am not a dog. Feel again.
[DESMOND PUTS HIS HANDS ON WILL'S FOREHEAD AND THEN PULLS AWAY.]
DESMOND: You know, I'm getting a hell of a headache. Let's just get out of here.
WILL: Hey, it's fine with me if we never see each other again. I mean, not see, but that's-- This is ridiculous. I am classically handsome. In fact, in fact, I'm better looking than you. I am better looking than anyone in this restaurant.
DESMOND: Uh-huh. Yeah, right.
[WILL STANDS UP AND ADDRESSES THE RESTAURANT.]
WILL: Would someone please tell this man how good looking I am?
[EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT IGNORES HIM.]
WILL: Did you hear me, or is everybody deaf?!
[JACK RUNS INTO THE ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN.]
JACK: Will Truman! You've been Pink'd!
WILL: "Pinked"?
JACK: Yes! Pink'd! Out TV's non-derivative version of Punk'd! You're starring in it!
[JACK AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT STARTS CLAPPING. THE CREW ALSO MOVES INTO VIEW. OUT TV PRODUCER JAMIE ALSO ENTERS THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: This was all a practical joke?
JACK: Yes, at your expense!
JAMIE: Jack, saw the whole thing on the monitor, great show. [TO WILL] And you, come here.
[JAMIE SHAKES WILL'S HAND.]
JAMIE: You are one cocky, embarrassing star!
SCENE IV: The Adler House, Schenactady, New York
(The next morning, in the kitchen. Grace is looking in the refrigerator when Martin enters.)
MARTIN: [STRETCHING] Mmm-ah! I can't remember when I had such a good night's sleep. Do you know that I slept better in a foxhole in Korea under two feet of water, than I do sleeping next to your mother?
GRACE: That's because you knew the enemy wasn't going to attack you with a Sondheim medley. Anyway, happy birthday, Dad. I thought that I would make us breakfast.
MARTIN: No! I don't want breakfast from a woman who thinks that French toast is made by dumping syrup into a bag of bread.
GRACE: I was six.
MARTIN: I was sick, too. No, I'm just gonna grab a cup of coffee. I tee off in an hour.
GRACE: Oh, um, I thought, uh, we could hang out and talk.
MARTIN: Why? What's wrong? You need money?
GRACE: No, but I'm here. Shouldn't we spend a little time together? Maybe we can catch up? I mean there's a lot of things that I haven't told you about, what's going on in my life right now. Maybe we could go for a walk. Talk a little bit. Maybe afterwards, go see a movie.
MARTIN: Oh, a movie. I haven't been to a movie since The Sting. When they do a better one than that, call me.
[BURT WOLFE AND KAREN ENTER THE KITCHEN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.]
BURT: Hey, good morning, everybody. Look who tagged along for my morning power walk.
KAREN: Talk about your "coinkidinks." I was taking the girls out for a run in their jogging bra. And guess who happened by?
MARTIN: Say, Burt, some of my wife's hair coloring came out on the sofa. You wanna take a look?
BURT: Sure, but I might have to get some industrial solvent.
[MARTIN AND BURT WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
KAREN: I hate when your father does that. This is Burt's one day off!
GRACE: What can you possibly see in Mr. Wolfe? He's creepy and weird.
KAREN: Honey, how can you say that? And after all the lovely things that he's said about you, while he was watching you through binoculars from his home office.
GRACE: Aw, he did?
KAREN: So, honey, how's everything going with your dad? Hmmph. Has he stopped seeing you as a big joke? 'Cause when you figure out how he does it, tell me.
[KAREN LAUGHS.]
GRACE: No, I haven't. I try to change things. I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me, but, uh, he'd rather play golf.
KAREN: Well, honey, you should go with him. That's where he feels comfortable. And men let their guard down when they feel comfortable. Huh? Take Burt for instance. Just this morning, he told me the combination to his safe. As we lay on the fold-out watching you get dressed.
GRACE: Aw.
SCENE V: The Golf Course
(Martin is driving the golf cart, showing Grace the course.)
MARTIN: This is where Charlie Heinz missed the putt, lost the whole club championship. We all thought he choked. Turns out he had a mini-stroke. Now he can only say the word "chair".
GRACE: You know, I don't think I ever told you, I did a redesign on a country club in West Chester. New York Magazine, actually, they did a piece on it.
MARTIN: Yeah. I remember-- I remember when you had a lemonade stand and you spilled lemonade all over the place. Heh-heh...
GRACE: Yeah, similar story.
MARTIN: Oh, yeah, and this is where Arnie Regal--
[MARTIN MAKES A SHARP TURN AND GRACE GOES FLYING OUT OF THE GOLF CART AND ROLLS DOWN THE HILL.]
MARTIN: lost complete use of his right side. Hey, where'd you go?
[SPLASH!]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(Will is in the kitchen cooking when Jack enters.)
JACK: Ah. You missed a great wrap party at White Castle last night. Whoo, it was off the hook! Jamie let us get one big thing, and one little thing.
WILL: Well, I'm glad everybody had a good time.
JACK: Uh-oh. Are you mad? You're mad, your mood mole is getting darker.
WILL: Well, it should be a light blue, because I'm fine. Although, if it ever turns a light blue, it's probably time for a biopsy. [WILL TOUCHES THE MOLE ON HIS CHEEK.]
JACK: All right, well, I can't believe I was worried you were gonna get upset.
WILL: Oh, why would I be? It was funny. My blind date was actually blind. [LAUGHS] I did not see that coming.
JACK: [LAUGHS] Ha ha! You looked pretty foolish!
WILL: I felt pretty foolish.
JACK: Now I just need you to sign this release so we can air the episode.
[JACK PULLS A RELEASE FORM OUT OF HIS BACK PACK.]
WILL: Yeah, I don't think so.
JACK: Well, if you don't sign it, we can't put it on.
WILL: Yeah, I get that.
JACK: You are ruining me!
SCENE VII: The Golf Club House
(Burt is sitting at a table, talking with his friends. Karen is standing next to Burt, his arm around her waist.)
BURT: So, we're on the fourth hole, I tell her just relax and swing through. [RE: KAREN] This one, dammed if she doesn't take her shirt off.
KAREN: Well, you said "tee off".
[GRACE AND MARTIN ENTER. GRACE LOOKS HAGGARD, DIRTY AND WET.]
MARTIN: [TO GRACE] Are you sure you're all right?
GRACE: Dad, what do you think? I flew out of the cart, and all you did was laugh about it.
MARTIN: Now, be reasonable. The only reason I laughed, was because it was very, very funny.
BURT: Grace, what happened?
MARTIN: You know the water hazard off the eighth fairway? Well, I've driven many a ball into it, but never a daughter.
[EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
BURT: [TO GRACE] You didn't happen to see a Titleist 4 down there, did you?
[EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Titlest 4. I don't know what that is.
MARTIN: You know the beauty of it is, if I hadn't sliced, I would've knocked her right into the green!
[EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
GRACE: Dad, stop it!
MARTIN: Sweetheart, it's just a joke.
GRACE: I'm not a joke. I'm your daughter. But the only time you ever show any interest in me at all is when something embarrassing happens that you could spin into some sort of funny joke to tell your friends.
MARTIN: Oh, sweetheart--
GRACE: Dad, no. No, I'm going. Happy birthday, Dad.
[GRACE EXITS.]
[GRACE ENTERS AND PULLS A GOLF BALL OUT OF HER SHIRT. SHE PUTS IT ONTO THE TABLE IN FRONT OF BURT.]
GRACE: Here's your ball.
[GRACE EXITS.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(Quick tapping on Will's door. Will answers the door - it's Jack.)
JACK: [SOFTLY] Hi. I, um... I felt bad about the way we left things, so I bought you a potted plant.
[JACK HAS A BACKPACK ON HIS BACK, BUT OTHERWISE HE IS NOT CARRYING ANYTHING.]
WILL: Where is it?
JACK: I did not buy you a potted plant. [SIGHS] Here's the thing. I just got back from Out TV, and I'm in real trouble unless you agree to be on the show.
[JACK ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Look, I wish I could help you. But I can't. You--your stupid trick really hurt me, Jack. Because it spoke to all of my insecurities about my looks.
JACK: What?! Don't you get it? The only reason that was funny is because everyone thinks you're handsome.
WILL: Even you?
JACK: Come on, Will, you know how I feel about you. So will you sign the release?
[JACK TURNS AROUND. THE RELEASE FORM AND A PEN ARE ATTACHED TO HIS BACKPACK. HE BENDS OVER SO WILL CAN SIGN IT.]
WILL: No. And, no, I do know how you feel about me. You're always talking about my thinning hair or my spreading thighs.
JACK: When have I ever done that?
WILL: You changed my name on the mailbox downstairs to Baldy McLegdough!
JACK: Will, I only do that because I'm the one who's insecure about my looks. Now, please, will you help me out?
[JACK TURNS AROUND TO SHOW WILL THE RELEASE FORM.]
WILL: No! What do you think-- You're just saying that so I'll sign your stupid release.
JACK: No, I'm not. Look, I know that to you and the rest of the world, I come off as beautiful. Almost godlike.
WILL: Okay...
JACK: But trust me. It's just an act. For instance, [SIGHS] it pains me to show you this... but I'm ashamed of my ankles.
[JACK PUTS HIS FOOT ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE AND PULLS UP HIS PANT LEG AND PUSHES DOWN HIS SOCK.]
JACK: The hair has rubbed off in this area because of sock chafing.
WILL: Ankle hair? You make me humiliate myself in front of the entire restaurant, and you give me ankle hair? If you want me to sign this release, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
JACK: All right! I'm gonna show you something. But you have to promise it stays in this room forever. You promise?
[JACK TAKES OFF HIS BACKPACK. HE TURNS HIS BACK TO WILL AND BEGINS UNBUTTONING HIS SHIRT.]
[JACK TURNS AROUND. HE IS WEARING A BLACK GIRDLE AROUND HIS MID-SECTION.]
WILL: Oh, my God. Is that a girdle?
JACK: [SCOFFS] No. It is a man-girdle. I got it in the man's section at Victoria's Secret.
[JACK BUTTONS UP HIS SHIRT.]
WILL: Why would you wear something like that?
JACK: You don't know the pressure to be thin at a gay network, Will. There's a purging station in every bathroom. Now, will you sign it?
WILL: After that, how could I not? Jack, there is one thing I should tell you.
JACK: What's that?
WILL: Jack McFarland, you have been Pink'd!
JACK: [GASPS] What?
[JAMIE AND THE CREWMEMBERS ENTER THE APARTMENT FROM THE BATHROOM, BEDROOM, AND BALCONY.]
JACK: Oh, my God!
JAMIE: Will? Genius. Even better than you at the restaurant.
[JAMIE SHAKES WILL'S HAND.]
JACK: Damn you, Will Truman! Well, I will not sign the release. A-ha!
WILL: All right, if you won't sign the release, will you sign this waiver for unlimited use in perpetuity around the universe?
JACK: Oh, I'd be delighted.
[JACK SIGNS THE RELEASE FORM.]
SCENE IX: The Adler House
(Grace is packing her bag. Karen is standing by. Martin Adler enters.)
MARTIN: Hello, girls.
KAREN: Marty, I know why you're here.
MARTIN: I live here.
KAREN: So, hey, when Burt wakes up from his nap, please tell him that I have a dry cleaner back home who has a couple of Korean kids working for him. I can't just give that up.
[KAREN EXITS THE HOUSE.]
MARTIN: Grace, I don't understand. All of a sudden, you hate my funny stories.
GRACE: I don't hate them, Dad. They'd be fine if every once in a while, between the cat and the cart, we had a real conversation. I wanna talk to you about my life. My work. My divorce. I mean-- Do you care about any of that?
MARTIN: Yes, I do. Of course, I do.
GRACE: Well then, talk to me without making a joke.
MARTIN: Okay, let's sit down and have a conversation.
GRACE: Really, you think you can do that?
MARTIN: Uh...I can try.
[MARTIN SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA. GRACE SITS DOWN IN A CHAIR. THE SEAT GIVES WAY AND SHE FALLS THROUGH.]
[MARTIN NODS AND TRIES NOT TO LAUGH.]
MARTIN: So, you ever talk to Leo?
GRACE: Actually, I haven't. But... from what I understand, he's still out of the country.
MARTIN: Yeah, well, that was the problem, wasn't it? He was never around. And how's Will?
GRACE: He's fine.
[GRACE TRIES TO CROSS HER LEGS.]
MARTIN: Look, I give up. Do we laugh? Do we not laugh? What?
GRACE: You can laugh.
[MARTIN AND GRACE LAUGH.]
MARTIN: Listen. You gotta help me here. I love you, but I'm an old guy. And I'm gonna try to change, but don't expect miracles.
GRACE: I won't. Just, thanks for trying.
[MARTIN STANDS UP AND HELPS GRACE OUT OF THE CHAIR.]
MARTIN: For the record, I was not gonna make this another one of my jokes.
GRACE: You know what? You can have it. Happy birthday, Dad.
[MARTIN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND GRACE.]
MARTIN: Thanks, because I was gonna tell people anyway.
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(The Out TV crew has left, leaving Will and Jack alone.)
JACK: I can't believe you did this to me! How did you know I was gonna make a fool of myself?
WILL: Just a hunch. Don't feel bad, Jack. Truth is, I played this joke because... really I'm the one who's insecure.
JACK: You are?
WILL: [SCOFFS] No. It's you. [WILL LAUGHS.]
