Épisode Le Moment clé S07E05 - Will & Grace Saison 7

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[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN. VINCE IS IN THE SHOWER. GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM IN HER PAJAMAS AND KNOCKS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR.]

GRACE: Vince, hurry up!

[GRACE WALKS OVER TO WILL IN THE KITCHEN.]

GRACE: [TO WILL] Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes. Of all the cops you could have dated, you hook up with "Dirty Mary."

WILL: Grace, he's a gay catholic. He may never feel clean.

[GRACE NOTICES THAT WILL HAS A PASTRY BAG AND IS FROSTING.]

GRACE: Whoo-Ha? Frosting for breakfast? Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza?

[GRACE SCOOPS UP SOME FROSTING WITH HER FINGER AND EATS IT.]

WILL: I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake. And breaking in the new pastry bag--

GRACE: Will, no! You've got to stop buying pastry bags.

[GRACE OPENS A DRAWER AND BEGINS PULLING OUT PASTRY BAGS.]

GRACE: No matter how many of these you buy, you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away.

WILL: Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away. I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had. What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt, when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita Rivera?

GRACE: You have some lousy birthdays. Remember the year we went to James Taylor, and that drunk roadie peed on you?

WILL: Hmm, yeah. Ironically during "Shower the People."

[GRACE LAUGHS.]

WILL: You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year? I mean look at me. I got a great job, good friends, clean boyfriend. I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it.

GRACE: Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low. If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on, it's the best one ever.

WILL: I hope Vince gets me something good. His taste is a little suspect. Ya know like when he got me those cufflinks... off a suspect. I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over.

[VINCE EXITS THE BATHROOM, DRESSED IN HIS POLICE OFFICER'S UNIFORM.]

VINCE: Look how nice my hair looks. And now I gotta put a hat on? I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop, I'd be in sales.

GRACE: Finally.

[GRACE STARTS WALKING TO THE BATHROOM WHEN JACK SUDDENLY ENTERS IN HIS BATHROBE AND A HAIR CAP.]

JACK: You're tellin' me! I've been waitin' all morning.

[JACK RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR IN GRACE'S FACE.]

[KAREN IS SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING IMPATIENTLY. JACK RUNS IN AND SITS DOWN.]

KAREN: Jackie, where have you been? You know that I need to arrive last.

JACK: I know. I'm sorry.

KAREN: [SCOFFS] Honestly!

[KAREN PICKS UP HER PURSE AND EXITS. A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, KAREN ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JACK.]

KAREN: Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late.

JACK: Now, come on. Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him.

KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, honey. This Friday?

JACK: What's the matter, Karen?

KAREN: Oh, Jackie. This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too.

JACK: Stan had the same birthday as Will? It's amazing how many fatties are Libras. So you gonna be okay?

KAREN: Yeah, come on. I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive. I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now. Okay. So what are we gonna get for lady gay?

JACK: Well, I am Will's best friend, and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances. So... I'm gonna go all out for him. Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card.

KAREN: Okay.

[VINCE IS BROWSING THROUGH SOME TIES AT A COUNTER. GRACE WALKS UP BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.]

GRACE: Hi-ya.

VINCE: [JUMPS AND SCREAMS] Hey!

GRACE: I said "hi-ya". How could that have scared you?

VINCE: Whoa, I'm a New York cop. I don't get scared. Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82, which they say is haunted.

GRACE: So... what are you up to? Doin' a little shopping? Shopping for Will? What are you gettin' him?

VINCE: I'm not telling you. You'll just poo-poo it. Pardon my French.

GRACE: You have to tell me, 'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows.

VINCE: Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes. We've been going out for six months.

GRACE: I've known him for, like, 20 years. We've had phone calls that lasted six months.

VINCE: Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him.

GRACE: So am I.

VINCE: I shave his ears.

GRACE: I shaved his legs.

VINCE: I've the man naked, Grace.

GRACE: I've seen him naked and crying.

VINCE: Ya know what? I've slept with him.

GRACE: Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So I win.

VINCE: All right, fine. I'm giving him the key to my apartment.

GRACE: Blows.

VINCE: You blows! He'll love it!

GRACE: Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay? I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday. whatever you're gonna get him, it has to be really good. Not some cheap key.

VINCE: I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain.

GRACE: Oh, that's great. Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a $10 thing. Look, I'm telling you, do not give him that key. It's a mistake. How about that wallet you looked at, sniffed, and put back?

VINCE: You been following me? Of course! You know, I remember thinking, "That's weird, that mannequin's eat a french fry."

GRACE: Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift.

[GRACE HOLDS UP THE SMALL BOX SHE WAS CARRYING.]

VINCE: Ya know what, Grace? I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me, but I'm going with the key. And by the way, you might have made him gay, but I made him good at it.

[GRACE IS SPEECHLESS AS VINCE WALKS AWAY.]

[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING FOOD. JOE AND LARRY ARE STANDING BY, ADMIRING THE CAKE.]

JOE: Oh, my God. This cake is beautiful. Where did you buy it?

WILL: Actually, I made it.

LARRY: You did not make those rosettes.

JOE: Will, you have outdone yourself... if you really made it.

WILL: I did. I swear.

[JOE AND LARRY WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]

LARRY: [TO JOE] Do we have to do that every year?

[GRACE EXITS HER BEDROOM.]

GRACE: [TO JOE AND LARRY] Hey, guys.

LARRY: Oh, Grace, you look fantastic.

JOE: Did you get a facial?

GRACE: I did not.

JOE: I don't believe it. You are positively glowing, and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's.

GRACE: [SMILING] I guess I have good genes.

[GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AS JOE AND LARRY SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA.]

JOE: [TO LARRY] God, they're so much work.

[JACK ENTERS.]

JACK: Ah, what do we have here? One Jack, three queens, and an old maid. I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in.

WILL: Well, the clown's here. It's officially a party.

JACK: Will, happy birthday, buddy. Listen. About your gift. I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past, but I think this year you're really gonna love it.

WILL: Doozies? Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons, then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat?

JOE: Jack! You up for some baby pictures?

JACK: I always am.

[JACK PULLS OUT A PHOTO ALBUM AND SHOWS IT TO JOE AND LARRY.]

JACK: This is me at six months...

[WILL BRINGS A GLASS OF WINE TO GRACE.]

GRACE: You having fun?

WILL: Yes, so far so good. Can't wait to see what Vince got me.

GRACE: Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing. I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend?

WILL: What do you know?

GRACE: Nothing.

WILL: Grace.

GRACE: I can't tell you what the present is. Then it would ruin it. I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative.

WILL: Well, then I don't wanna know.

GRACE: It's the key to his apartment.

WILL: What? Oh, my God.

GRACE: I know, it blows.

WILL: A key? That is so romantic!

GRACE: You like it?

WILL: I love it! It's a mature step in our relationship. I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight.

[VINCE AND ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER ENTER THE APARTMENT.]

VINCE: Hey, hey, keep it down in here! We got a noise complaint.

JOE: Vince, you do that every time you enter a room, and it's always funny. [TO LARRY] Great, now there's three of 'em.

VINCE: Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph. Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will, and our friends.

GRACE: [TO RALPH] Hi.

RALPH: [SLIGHTLY NERVOUS] This is my first homosexual party. So I'm not sure how to act. [TO GRACE] Mind if I sit down, sir?

[KAREN ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER HER. SHE'S VERY IRRITABLE.]

KAREN: [TO WILL] Oh, happy birthday, fruit. So, who we got here? [NOTICES JOE AND LARRY] Oh, Mo and Mary. Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight. [SIGHS] Lord, all these gays in one room. Grace, you must be in hag heaven.

RALPH: Uh, I'm not gay.

KAREN: Ooh, hurray for my side.

WILL: Everybody, this my friend Karen. For those of you with guns, free to take the safeties off.

[KAREN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HERSELF A GLASS OF WINE. JACK FOLLOWS HER.]

JACK: Karen, where have you been? I've been waiting for you.

KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here. Because this day has been so rough. My heart is beating a mile a minute-- Feel.

[KAREN TAKES JACK'S HAND AND PLACES IT ON HER CHEST.]

JACK: I don't feel anything.

KAREN: Shh, wait.

[JACK AND KAREN STAY STILL FOR A SECOND.]

JACK: There it is.

[A COUPLE MORE SECONDS...]

JACK: There it is again.

[KAREN SIGHS.]

JACK: Oh, my God, Karen. It's racing! What's wrong?

KAREN: Honey, today is Stan's birthday, and I just wish I could be with him today. I miss him so much. I need to calm down-- Oh, thank God, I think it stopped.

WILL: Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now.

JACK: Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours. Start with ours. Will, prepare to be amazed.

[JACK SWEEPS HIS ARM OUT TO KAREN. KAREN JUST STANDS THERE HOLDING HER DRINK.]

[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO KAREN AND WIGGLES HIS FINGERS.]

JACK: [QUIETLY] Karen, where is it?

KAREN: [QUIETLY] Honey, I didn't get him anything. I was feeling sad about Stan!

[KAREN SLAPS JACKS HAND DOWN.]

JACK: [QUIETLY] This is humiliating! And now everybody's staring at me!

[JACK TURNS AROUND.]

JACK: [OUTLOUD TO HIMSELF] Think, McFarland, think. You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud.

[JACK TURNS BACK AROUND.]

JACK: I've got it! Will?

WILL: Yes, Jack.

JACK: Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this.

WILL: Yes, I heard it.

JACK: And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you... is my eternal friendship.

WILL: Thank you. Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open?

[A PAGER BEEPS. VINCE LOOKS AT HIS PAGER.]

VINCE: Oh, crap. [TO RALPH] We gotta go. 91st and Amsterdam. Looks like a 187. That's a homicide, I think. [TO HIMSELF] 187 go to heaven. Yeah, it's a homicide.

RALPH: Well, uh, see ya. Um, I wanna tell every that I loved Moulin Rouge.

[RALPH EXITS TO THE HALLWAY.]

VINCE: [TO WILL] I should probably get goin' too.

WILL: Well, wait-- Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet. Which I know I'm gonna love.

VINCE: Sit down. Come on and open it now. I hate being the first one to these things anyway.

[WILL AND VINCE SIT ON THE SOFA. VINCE GIVES WILL A SMALL BOX.]

WILL: I'm so excited!

[WILL OPENS THE BOX.]

WILL: It's a... wallet. I love it. Thank you.

VINCE: Look, it's Gucci. The good kind with two Cs.

WILL: Yeah, I know.

VINCE: Well, I'd better go. Perps ain't gonna chase themselves. Unless they're dogs.

JOE: Good one!

WILL: Bye. See ya.

[VINCE EXITS THE APARTMENT.]

WILL: [TO GRACE] A wallet? I thought you said he was giving me a key. What could have happened to change his mind?

GRACE: Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you. I think I know what happened.

WILL: You do?

[GRACE PAUSES FOR A SECOND.]

GRACE: Ralph talked him out of it.



GRACE: Don't be sad. I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at Christmas. Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key and had to give birth in a barn.

WILL: Yes, that's my favorite bible story, too. When the blessed virgin into the Bethlehem Ramada and left her purse at the pool.

GRACE: Well, maybe this is a good thing. Well, you said you're happy with the way things are.

WILL: Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key. Another lousy birthday. I don't know why I get my hopes up. Who wants brie?

[WILL GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.]

GRACE: [QUIETLY] Where did Vince say he was going?

KAREN: Well, he's Italian. So my guess would be the Olive Garden.

JACK: 91st and Amsterdam.

[GRACE GETS UP AND LEAVES.]

JACK: I remember because I thought he said Hamsterdam, which is a country always wanted to go to-- [REALIZES GRACE IS GONE] Oh. [SHRUGS]

[JACK WALKS OVER TO WILL.]

JACK: Will, I can tell you're very upset. So... I got you this key.

[JACK GIVES WILL A KEY.]

WILL: This is the key to my apartment.

JACK: Whoa, slow down there, cowboy. You're not getting the one to my place.

[VINCE IS SITTING IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT WITH HIS PARTNER, RALPH, IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.]

RALPH: Oh, hey, car 74 just got here. Those guys are crazy. I'm gonna go say hi.

[RALPH OPENS THE DOOR AND GETS OUT. GRACE GETS IN AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]

GRACE: Hi-ya.

VINCE: [SCREAMS] Aah! Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out. I thought we had another haunted car.

GRACE: Um, look, Will really hated the wallet. You have to give him the key.

VINCE: Did he look inside the wallet?

GRACE: Oh, is the key inside the wallet?

VINCE: No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet.

GRACE: That is so queer. Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key. He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it.

VINCE: First admit that I know Will better.

GRACE: Oh, this is ridiculous. This isn't a competition.

VINCE: Isn't it?

GRACE: Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now, and that is dependent on him getting the key.

VINCE: Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him. Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better. Your move.

GRACE: I'm out. You know him better.

VINCE: All right, I'll give him the key.

GRACE: Thanks. Oh, one more thing...

GRACE: Can you read this out loud please?

VINCE: "Grace knows Will better."

GRACE: That's very big of you to admit.

KAREN: I'm a fool, Jack. I never celebrated birthday while he was alive. And now he's gone. I guess I just always figured there'd be next year.

JACK: I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big. I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore?

WILL: Hey, guys, come on. I had to light my own candles, pour the champagne, and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself. Could someone at least, cut the cake?

LARRY: Of course, Will.

[LARRY PICKS UP A KNIFE AND MAKES A SLICE INTO THE CAKE.]

WILL: Not like that! Give me.

[WILL TAKES THE KNIFE FROM LARRY. JOE GIVES LARRY A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF. THEY MOVE TO THE COUCH WITH JACK AND KAREN.]

WILL: [MUTTERING TO HIMSELF] Yes, enjoy your champagne. God forbid any should make a toast.

JACK: You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea. I'd like to make a toast.

WILL: Well, thank you.

JACK: On this day, a very, very great man was born. Stanley Walker.

KAREN: Jackie, you don't have to do this. It's too late. He's gone.

JACK: Karen, just because somebody's dead doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday. It's never too late. Look at George Washington. I never paid attention to him when he was alive, but now I get a day off of work.

Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean nobody's ever really forgotten. After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night.

JACK: Karen, let's make a vow. Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker.

KAREN: Okay, from now on, this day is about Stanley Walker. And nobody else!

WILL: I'd like to say something, if I may. This is the worst birthday I have ever had. I had to throw myself a party. I didn't get the key I wanted. And now, instead of toasting me, everyone is toasting my fat dead client. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!

[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]

WILL: Where have you been? It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't.

LARRY: [TO JOE] I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass.

GRACE: Great news. You're getting your key.

WILL: You're kidding.

GRACE: I know, isn't it great? It took a lot of convincing, but he came around. Happy birthday! Yay!

WILL: Wa--wa--wait. What do you mean? You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key?

GRACE: Oh, just for a second, I mean-- Don't worry about it. He's totally okay with it.

WILL: Okay with it?

GRACE: No, he's excited. He's gonna swing by and drop it off.

WILL: Drop it off? This is supposed to be a representation of our commitment to one another, not a pizza.

VINCE: Hi.

GRACE: Vince, change of plans.

VINCE: Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out. [TO WILL] My shift's over. Here's the key to my apartment. [VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]

WILL: I'm sorry. I don't think I can take it.

VINCE: Excuse me?

WILL: You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place, so I don't want it.

KAREN: Hey. Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day?

[KAREN, LARRY, AND JOE GET UP AND FOLLOW HER TO THE DOOR.]

LARRY: I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11.

JOE: It's your mother. She can stay till morning. Why are you so afraid of her?

JACK: Will, happy birthday, friend. And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart... I'm gonna take this wallet. Heh heh...

[JACK PICKS UP THE WALLET AND EXITS THE APARTMENT. AS HE EXITS, HE LOOKS IN THE WALLET AND PULLS OUT A SMALL, PINK PIECE OF PAPER.]

JACK: Ooh, a free kiss.

[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]

VINCE: [TO WILL] Hey, what's your problem? I know you want the key.

WILL: I did want the key. Until Grace told me talk you into giving it to me.

VINCE: She only had to talk me me into it because she first talked me out of it.

WILL: Grace talked you out of it? She told me that Ralph talked you out of it.

VINCE: Why would she do that?

WILL: I don't know. Why the hell does she do anything?

GRACE: [WHISPERS] She's crazy.

[GRACE TURNS TO GO INTO HER BEDROOM.]

GRACE: See ya tomorrow!

WILL: Wait, wait. Hold the phone. Why would you do something like that?

VINCE: Yeah, you almost ruined everything.

WILL: What the hell is wrong with you?

GRACE: [CRYING] I am so sorry. [CRYING HARDER] Please... Don't [SOB] be [SOB] mad [SOB] at [SOB] me. [SOBBING] I was just trying to help. I hate that you're mad at me.

WILL: Don't try fake crying with us.

VINCE: Yeah, that only works on straight guys.

GRACE: [STOPS CRYING] Fine. But this isn't my fault. If anything, I should be mad at you!

WILL: Oh, please, the angry flip?

VINCE: Yeah, that's not gonna fly either.

GRACE: Okay. Look, I'm-- I'm sorry. I thought Will didn't want the key. Obviously, I was wrong. But by then I had already told you, and then you didn't give him the key. And then he was really sad. And all I wanted was for him to be happy. [CRYING] And now I'm crying real tears.

WILL: No, you're not.

GRACE: Okay, look. [SIGHS] The thing is, is that I did all of this because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever.

WILL: Well, that's all I wanted. And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong.

VINCE: Will it help if I gave you the key?

[VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]

WILL: Yes it would.

[WILL TAKES THE KEY AND KISSES VINCE ON THE LIPS AND THE TWO OF THEM HUG EACH OTHER.]

GRACE: Aw... All 'cause of me.

[GRACE PUTS HER ARM AROUND THEM.]

KAREN: [TO WILL] I've arranged for a little gift for you. Come on. The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give. We're ready for you.

[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. ROSARIO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY. SHE BLOWS A PITCH-PIPE AND BEGINS SINGING "ARTHUR'S THEME".]

ROSARIO: [SINGING] When you get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Arthur, he does as he pleases--

KAREN: That's enough, thank you.

[KAREN GIVES ROSARIO A FOLDED BILL.]

ROSARIO: Oh, good, a 20. I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Karen" fund.

[KAREN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER ROSARIO.]