SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS WASHING HIS MOTHER'S PANTYHOSE IN THE KITCHEN SINK. MARILYN IS IN THE BEDROOM.]
WILL: [TO MARILYN] Mom, these pantyhose are shot. I'll stop by the drugstore and get you some more later on.
MARILYN [VOICE/OFF-SCREEN]: Oh, while you're there, will you get something for that itch I told you about at breakfast?
WILL: I'm way ahead of you. I've already cut out a coupon. [TO HIMSELF] Someone please kill me.
[KAREN BURSTS IN.]
KAREN: Hey, Wilma, I need your help. Remember Lorraine Finster, the dame who stole my husband and tried to bump me off? Well, I think I found her. Private Dick said he dug up an "L. Finster" at the Hotel Knickerbocker. Come on, let's go down there and give her the what for.
WILL: As much as I love to put on a trench coat and go looking for your grip on reality, I can't. I have to take care of my mom.
KAREN: Oh, how sweet. A gay man living with his mother. Would you like me to preheat the oven, or you wanna just jump right in?
[MARILYN WHEELS HERSELF OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
MARILYN: Oh, hello, Karen. You know, I took your advice about overcoming pain with visualization. And you were right. So I'm just gonna throw these painkillers away.
[MARILYN HOLDS UP A PILL BOTTLE. KAREN TAKES THE BOTTLE.]
KAREN: I'll throw them away for you. Right in the trash...
[KAREN POPS ONE OF THE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH.]
[MARILYN WHEELS OVER TO THE STAIRS LEADING UP TO THE KITCHEN AND BALCONY.]
[MARILYN STARTS TO GET UP OUT OF HER CHAIR.]
WILL: Mom, what are you doing?
MARILYN: Oh, I want to go out to the terrace. I need some fresh air.
WILL: Well, let me help you.
MARILYN: Oh, no, I don't want to be a pain, honey.
WILL: You're not a pain.
[WILL PUSHES MARILYN BACK DOWN IN THE CHAIR.]
MARILYN: Ugh!
WILL: The doctor said you're very fragile right now. And you have got--
[WILL ROUGHLY PULLS THE CHAIR UP THE FIRST STEP.]
MARILYN: Ow!
WILL: To take--
[WILL PULLS THE CHAIR UP THE SECOND STEP.]
MARILYN: Ow!
WILL: --it easy.
[WILL PUSHES THE CHAIR THROUGH THE TERRACE DOOR.]
MARILYN: Ow!
KAREN: Careful, Baby Jane.
MARILYN: Will, why is she calling you "Baby Jane"? Is that a gay thing?
[WILL SHUTS THE DOOR TO THE TERRACE.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] Am I a horrible person if part of me wishes that when I go outside, there's just an empty chair?
KAREN: Enough with that! Remember Lorraine, the husband who stole my dame and tried to bump me off? Private Knickerbocker says she's at the Hotel Dick! Let's get her!
WILL: I can't, I told you. I've got to wheel mother through the park this afternoon. And then later on, I'll be scattering the ashes of my sex life in the Hudson.
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BROWN BOX.]
JACK: Hey, guys, look what I got. I put together a care package for Grace. You know, so she knows we're thinking about her while she's far away. Do you have her address in Pittsburgh?
[JACK PULLS OUT A PEN AND WAITS FOR WILL TO GIVE THE ADDRESS.]
WILL: She's in Cambodia.
JACK: Ooh, sounds like a lot of stamps just to mail a condom.
[JACK TOSSES THE BOX OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: Oh, enough of that. Jackie, I need your help. Remember Lorraine, the dame who stole my bump and tried to husband me off? Well, the Finster hotel is private dick-n-knockers. Wanna come?
JACK: Sure!
SCENE II: Central Park
[WILL IS PUSHING MARILYN THROUGH THE PARK. WILL SEEMS BORED.]
[A HOT GUY WALKS BY. WHILE CHECKING HIM OUT, WILL ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND PUSHES MARILN'S WHEELCHAIR INTO ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR.]
[TOM, AN ATTRACTIVE GUY ABOUT WILL'S AGE, HAS ALSO TAKEN HIS WHEELCHAIR-BOUND MOTHER, RUTH--AN ELDERLY LADY WHO APPEARS TO BE SLEEPING--FOR A STROLL THROUGH THE PARK.]
WILL: Ooh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't even see you there.
TOM: Oh, that's okay. [TO RUTH] Mother? Are you okay? [TO WILL] Didn't even wake her. She's a stickler for getting her 20 hours.
WILL: Well, I--I wasn't even paying attention.
MARILYN: He has the unenviable task of being my caretaker.
TOM: Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mind.
WILL: No, I do.
TOM: I'm Tom.
[WILL SHAKES TOM'S HAND.]
TOM: And this is my mother, Ruth. [TOM RUBS HIS MOTHER'S SHOULDER.]
WILL: Well, I-I-I'm Will. And this is Marilyn. She's my mother. Although people say we look like sisters. [WILL LAUGHS] That was stupid. I don't know why I said that.
TOM: I thought it was funny. I love your wheelchair.
WILL: Thank you, I, uh, I rented it.
TOM: Is that a Roll King 2000?
MARILN: Well, if the Roll King is the cheapest one made, then yes, it is.
[WILL LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
WILL: Take a nap, mother.
TOM: You know, you can make Marilyn more comfortable by getting her some adjustable foot pads.
WILL: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Wh-where would I find something like that?
TOM: There's this cute little hospital supply store in Tribeca. I could write it down for you.
WILL: Great. Thank you, th-that sounds great.
MARILYN: Okay, I'm gonna get my lemonade. You boys keep flirting.
[MARILYN ROLLS OFF TO THE CONCESSION STAND.]
WILL: Mom, we're not flirting. [TO TOM] Are we?
TOM: I was. Your mother's adorable.
WILL: Oh, thank you. Uh, yours too.
TOM: She's my best friend. Do you think that's weird?
WILL: No. No, no. No, I feel the same way about mine.
TOM: That's so good to hear, because so many guys I meet, it's like their mothers are impositions. It's such a turn-off.
WILL: [SCOFFS] They sicken me.
TOM: Our mothers gave us life. They nourished us. They were our dates to the prom.
WILL: Oh, I-- Listen, th-th-the greatest tragedy of my life was the day they yanked me from the breast of that saint. Heh...
TOM: If it's possible, you just got 10-percent cuter.
[MARILYN WHEELS UP TO WILL.]
MARILYN: Will, I saw a hobo who looks like your cousin Kathy. Would you go over and ask her if she is.
TOM: Well, we'd better get going. I'm perming Ruth's hair this afternoon.
WILL: Oh, you're kidding. I'm doing Marilyn's hair.
MARILYN: [QUIETLY] Oh, you're not getting near Marilyn's hair.
[WILL NUDGES MARILYN ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD.]
TOM: [TO WILL] Will we see you here tororrow?
WILL: Absolutely. We're here every day.
MARILYN: We are?
WILL: Yes, we are. [TO TOM] Heh-heh. She's very forgetful. Older than she looks. Had a lot of work done.
SCENE III: The Knickerbocker Hotel
[KAREN AND JACK FIND ROOM 518.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Here it is, Jackie. Room 518, Lorraine's room. Ha-ha! We got her now!
JACK: So, what are you gonna do when you see her?
KAREN: Hm. I've dedicated my entire life to finding her. But I haven't really thought this through.
JACK: Well, let's see. Lorraine is from England. So if you really wanted to hurt her, you could hold her down and make her watch the American version of anything British.
KAREN: Or-- Or-- I could do to her what she did to Stan. Have sex with her until she dies! Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.
[KAREN BANGS ON THE DOOR.]
KAREN: Open up, Lorraine! And put on a condom! [TO JACK] Huh, guess she's not here. Well, we'll just have to wait until she gets back.
[KAREN SITS IN AN ARM CHAIR IN THE HALLWAY.]
JACK: And as your friend, Karen, I want you to know that I will wait with you for as long as it takes.
[JACK LOOKS AROUND A BIT.]
JACK: I am hungry for so string cheese. I may or may not be back.
KAREN: Hey, if you do come back, will you pick me up a Little Debbie?
JACK: Oh, you love your Little Debbies.
[JACK EXITS.]
KAREN: I do, Jackie. I really do.
[KAREN SIGHS AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH.]
[KAREN IMPATIENTLY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AGAIN.]
[KAREN NOTICES A TRANSOM WINDOW ABOVE THE DOOR AND GASPS.]
KAREN: A-ha...
[KAREN PUSHES THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND STANDS ON IT.]
[SHE TRIES TO JUMP UP TO THE WINDOW, BUT CAN'T REACH IT.]
KAREN: Aaargh!
[A TALL, MIDDLE-AGED MAN WALKS UP AND SEES KAREN STANDING ON THE CHAIR. HER BEHIND IS AT HIS EYE-LEVEL.]
LYLE: [BRITISH ACCENT] And I thought I was gonna have to leave the hotel to do my sightseeing today.
KAREN: Hey, beanpole. Give me an alley-oop.
LYLE: And what's the matter? Have you lost your key?
KAREN: No, just prefer going in this way.
LYLE: Well, look, if you want me to help you, you've got to tell me what you're up to.
KAREN: Okay, look. The woman in that room wronged me something bad. Now I'm going in there to sex the life out of her!
LYLE: I thought it was something like that.
LYLE: Here, I'm not sure how high I'm gonna be able to lift you. My shoulder's a bit wonky-- Vietnam.
[LYLE SITS IN THE CHAIR. KAREN SITS ON THIS SHOULDERS.]
KAREN: Oh, terrible war. So many manicurists lost their shops.
LYLE: This happened last May. I was shot by a hooker.
KAREN: Hmm.
[LYLE STANDS UP, WITH KAREN SITTING ON THIS SHOULDERS.]
[THE HOTEL MANAGER WALKS BY.]
MANAGER: Good morning. Enjoying your stay at the Knickerbocker?
LYLE: Very, very nice, thank you.
KAREN: You know, these hallways are rather narrow. I had to walk right over this man.
[THE MANAGER SMILES AND CONTINUES ON.]
KAREN: Whew, that was close. Okay, get me up here!
[LYLE LIFTS KAREN UP. SHE PUSHES OPEN THE WINDOW AND HOISTS HERSELF UP.]
[CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE ROOM. KAREN IS HALFWAY IN THE WINDOW, LOOKING IN.]
KAREN: Oh, no, it's not gonna work. There's no tall British guy on this side.
LYLE: [VOICE/FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR] Well, that-- Perhaps I can help you there.
[LYLE OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN. KAREN IS PERCHED ON THE TRANSOM, HALF IN THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Hey! How'd you get that key?
LYLE: Well, it's my room.
KAREN: But you're not Lorraine Finster.
LYLE: No, I'm her father, Lyle. Hello.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
WILL: Come on, mom. We're gonna be late. What are you doing out of your chair?
MARILYN: I'm walking. You can finally be rid of me.
WILL: No, no, no, no, no! No, this is not good! No, you are--you are right at the crucial point of your healing process. You could set the whole thing back!
[WILL BACKS MARILYN BACK INTO THE CHAIR AND SITS HER DOWN.]
MARILYN: Oh, Will, come on, I'm fine.
[MARILYN TRIES TO STAND BACK UP, BUT WILL BLOCKS HER.]
WILL: Marilyn, you're not.
MARILYN: I spoke to the doctor.
WILL: I want a second opinion from someone who says that you gotta stay in the chair.
[WILL PUSHES MARILYN BACK DOWN WHEN SHE TRIES TO GET UP.]
MARILYN: For god's sake, will you just ask him out? You don't need me.
WILL: I do need you. Right now the thing that Tom likes best about me is how much I pretend to love you
MARILYN: Yes, honey, but I get stuck with the mother. I mean, she's 120. She was a nurse at the battle of Gettysburg. No, I can't do it! I cannot possibly think of one more thing to say to that old bag of bones.
[CUT TO LATER IN THE PARK. WILL AND TOM ARE STANDING TALKING. MARILYN AND RUTH ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER TALKING.]
MARILYN: [TO RUTH] So, you still feel the arthritis, even though you no longer have the leg?
[MARILYN SHOOTS WILL A FAKE SMILE. WILL WAVES.]
SCENE V: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 518
KAREN: You're her father? I can't believe that bitch has a father.
LYLE: Well, the bitch does. Would you like some-- Would you like some tea?
KAREN: No, I would not like some tea!
LYLE: Would you like some scotch?
KAREN: Yes, I would like some scotch!
[LYLE POURS A GLASS OF SCOTCH FOR HIMSELF AND KAREN.]
KAREN: So, where is she? Where's Lorraine?
LYLE: You can't expect me to tell you that. You told me yourself that you were going to kill her with your sexual powers, I mean-- What sort of a father would I be if I just handed her over to you?
KAREN: All right, then. I'll find her on my own.
LYLE: Or--
KAREN: Or what?
LYLE: Or we can make an arrangement. Perhaps for every kiss you give me, I could give you a piece of information.
KAREN: That's outrageous! You must think I'm a common whore! So, do you want my top on or off?
LYLE: Well, I'm a gentleman. So why don't you keep it on, and I'll rip it off?
[KAREN AND LYLE RAISE THEIR GLASSES AND NOD TO EACH OTHER, THEN SIT ON THE COUCH.]
KAREN: Do you know where she is?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
LYLE: Yes.
KAREN: Where is she?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
LYLE: I don't know.
KAREN: Didn't you just say you knew where she was?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY, KAREN ROLLS ON TOP OF LYLE, AND ROLLS OVER ONTO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SOFA.]
LYLE: Yes, I did.
KAREN: Wait a minute. You have no idea where she is. You're just scamming me so I'll keep kissing you! Aren't you?
[KAREN SIGHS.]
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
LYLE: Yes, I am.
KAREN: Hmmpph. I can't believe I fell for this. You and your daughter are both the same. Tall British men with moustaches that tickle when we kiss.
SCENE VI: Central Park
[WILL AND TOM ARE SITTING WITH EACH OTHER. MARILYN AND RUTH ARE SITTING IN THEIR WHEELCHAIRS NEARBY.]
TOM: Look at 'em over there. Partners in crime. Thick as thieves. Don't you wish you had a camera?
WILL: I imagine Ruth's very photogenic. She was stunning in your prom photo.
TOM: [SMILES] Hmm. It's a wonderful age. I can't wait to catch up to her. [SINGING] Wouldn't it be nice if we were older...
[WILL JOINS IN]
TOM AND WILL: [SINGING] And we wouldn't have to wait so long...
TOM: That was fun.
WILL: Yeah.
[MARILYN ROLLS UP.]
MARILYN: Tom, your mother's partial's come loose. And, um-- I I didn't know. My hands just aren't clean enough.
TOM: Thank God for Purell.
[TOM PULLS A SMALL BOTTLE OF PURELL OUT OF HIS POCKET AND CLEANS HIS HANDS. HE WALKS OFF TO TAKE CARE OF MOTHER.]
MARILYN: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Maybe if she'd stop talking for five minutes, it'd stay in. "Oh, look at my pretty hair. Do you like my pretty hair?" Please. I've got potatoes with prettier hair.
[TOM RETURNS.]
TOM: Marilyn? Mother thinks you're such a good listener.
MARILYN: Oh, well, I'm just in love with her.
[MARILYN ROLLS BACK OVER TO RUTH.]
WILL: So, Tom-- I'm thinking, what about dinner tonight?
TOM: We'd love to. Have you been to Serendipity? Mother just loves how soft their entrees are.
WILL: I was thinking maybe more just you and me.
TOM: Oh. Leave her? On Jiffy Pop night?
[TOM THINKS FOR A SECOND.]
TOM: You know what? Let's do it. Let me just run it by the general.
[TOM WALKS OVER TO RUTH.]
SCENE VII: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 518
LYLE: [INTO PHONE] Uh, hello, Lyle Finster here. Early this evening, I placed a reservation for a petite Asian lady companion. Yes, well, I won't be needing her after all. Yes, I have the confirmation number here. Yes, sir. B-X-L-4-9. Thank you. Cheers. [HANGS UP.]
[A TAPPING AT THE DOOR. LYLE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S JACK.]
JACK: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for my friend. A bosomy spitfire? Big bosom? Spits fire? Have you seen her?
LYLE: Seen her, kissed her, felt her bottom.
JACK: Nice, isn't it?
LYLE: Lyle Finster. [HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.]
JACK: Finster? Finster! I'm Jack McFarland, nice to meet you.
[JACK SHAKES HIS HAND.]
JACK: So, was Karen here? I have a tasty snack for her.
[JACK HOLDS OUT A PACKAGE OF LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS CAKE ROLLS.]
LYLE: So did I. But unfortunately, she didn't want it.
JACK: [GIGGLES] You're dirty. Dirty with a German accent. Doesn't get any better.
LYLE: Thank you, I-I-I'm sorry, but your friend isn't here. I-I-I tried to get her to stay, but unfortunately, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. You see, I am the father of her rival.
JACK: Candy Bergen?
LYLE: Lorraine Finster. I am the father of Lorraine Finster.
JACK: Finster! You're Lorraine Finster's father!
LYLE: Clever. Now, you know where Karen is. Because I have to find her. I mean, I cancelled Lili for her. And Rita... but that's a whore of a different color.
JACK: Forget it! Karen is my closest friend, and I'm not going to do anything to help you! You're the enemy!
LYLE: That's exactly what she said. But, uh, we managed to negotiate after a series of kisses. I don't suppose that would work for you, would it?
JACK: Don't be so sure.
SCENE VIII: Tom's Apartment Building, Lobby
[TOM AND WILL ARE RETURNING TO TOM'S APARTMENT AFTER THEIR DINNER DATE.]
TOM: I wasn't sure about leaving mother alone, but I'm glad I did. I can't remember the last time I went to a restaurant after 5:30.
[TOM PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
WILL: Heh. So, do you really like me, or do you always cut up your date's meat?
TOM: I like you.
WILL: Heh-heh.
TOM: Let's do this again.
WILL: I'd like that. Here's your penne. I had them double-wrap it.
[WILL HANDS TOM THE BAG OF LEFTOVERS.]
TOM: Mister... you know the way to a man's heart.
[WILL AND TOM LEAN IN TO KISS, WHEN THE ELEVATOR DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS. AN EMT WORKER PULLS A GURNEY THROUGH.]
EMT WORKER: Excuse us! Coming through!
TOM: What happened?
EMT WORKER: Old lady got hurt. She was making Jiffy Pop and her wrist snapped.
[TOM REALIZES IT'S HIS MOTHER. TOM BENDS DOWN TO RUTH, LAYING ON THE GURNEY.]
TOM: Mother?!
RUTH: [CRYING] I was alone! I wanted popcorn.
[THE EMTs ROLL RUTH AWAY.]
TOM: [CRYING] My poor mother. [TO WILL] Why did you make me leave her? This is your fault! [CRYING] She needed me and I wasn't there for her!
[TOM THROWS THE DOGGIE BAG ON THE GROUND AND STOMPS ON IT.]
WILL: Did-- She-- She just hurt her wrist. I mean, th-the woman is missing a leg!
TOM: [CRYING] She could have died, mother hater! That's right, mother hater! And to think I was going to suggest the four of take a disabled cruise together! [YELLING OFF TO RUTH] Buck up, general!
[TOM WALKS OFF TO CATCH UP TO HIS MOTHER.]
WILL: Freak!
[WILL PICKS UP THE SMASHED DOGGIE BAG.]
WILL: [TO TOM] So, lunch tomorrow?
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
[KAREN PICKS UP A MAGAZINE.]
KAREN: Ah, Oprah. What are you doing on that horse?
[LYLE ENTERS.]
LYLE: Hello, Karen.
KAREN: What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?
LYLE: Well, shortly after you left, a queer little fellow turned up with this.
[LYLE PULLS OUT THE SWISS CAKE ROLLS FROM HIS POCKET.]
KAREN: A Little Debbie. [KAREN TAKES THE PACKAGE.]
LYLE: Look, I wanted to apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me to mislead you. But the truth is, I don't know where Lorraine is. I mean, we've lost contact. And I was wondering if-- if you and I could look for her together.
KAREN: In your dreams, big Ben.
LYLE: Well, how about dinner then?
KAREN: I've had my dinner.
LYLE: Coffee?
KAREN: No, thanks.
LYLE: Raunchy sex in the back of a dirty cab?
KAREN: I don't think so.
LYLE: Look, Karen, I know that you felt something when I kissed you. You know how I know?
KAREN: Mm?
LYLE: Because unlike a certain Vietnamese person of my acquaintance, you didn't shoot me.
KAREN: The only thing I felt was revulsion. And sloppy bridge work.
LYLE: Look, Karen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've let a lot of good women go, and a lot of bad women stay. And the ones in the middle-- I've been rather mean to.
KAREN: Mm.
LYLE: I'm not a boy anymore. And it's time for me to get relatively serious with someone... that I kind of just met. So, you're not going to get rid of me easily, karen.I'm going to stick to you like bangers to mash.
KAREN: You're not getting your banger anywhere near my mash. I'm not interested in you. Get it?! So scram!
LYLE:All right, I'll leave you this time. But, um-- Before I go--
KAREN: Before you go what?
[LYLE LIFTS HIS EYEBROW. KAREN SIGHS AND JUMPS UP AND STRADDLES HIM AS THEY KISS.]
LYLE: Nothing.
[LYLE EXITS THE OFFICE.]
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Oooh!
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
[A CAB DRIVER IS HELPING MARILYN WITH HER LUGGAGE.]
WILL: You all set to go?
MARILYN: I think so. Will, darling, I know it's hard for any man to imagine finding romance without the help of his mother, but trust me. It will happen.
WILL: Hmm. If it doesn't, I'll just hobble your other leg and start cruising the park again.
MARILYN: Well, as long as I'm next to an elderly woman with removable parts, I'm there.
[MARILYN LEAVES.]
