SCENE I: A Beauty Salon
(GRACE is sitting in a chair getter her hair cut and styled by her hairdresser, SALLY.)
GRACE: So anyway, when Leo got the call from Doctors Without Borders, he didn't wanna go, but I insisted. And if that makes me a hero, so be it.
SALLY: You're the hero in a lotta your stories.
GRACE: Thank you. So, now he's in Africa-- Oh, you're gonna love this. He was responsible--
[SALLY ROLLS HER EYES AND TURNS ON THE HAIR DRYER. THE HAIR DRYER DROWNS OUT GRACE.]
GRACE: --And it made him insane with malaria. But if I could just get serious for a moment. I really feel like things--
[SALLY PUSHES GRACE FORWARD AND TURNS ON THE HAIR DRYER.]
[CUT TO WILL, SITTING IN THE LOBBY. HE'S ALREADY HAD A HAIRCUT AND IS READING MAGAZINE.]
[JACK COMES RUNNING IN AT TOP SPEED AND RUNS PAST WILL.]
WILL: [TO HIMSELF] Five, four, three, two...
[JACK RUNS BACK IN.]
JACK: Oh, Will, there you are. I'm sorry I'm late. The cast of Urinetown is after me. Simple misunderstanding.
WILL: How's my hair? I told them I wanted it to look "second-day-dirty."
JACK: Delicious, your ears have never looked better.
WILL: Why my ears?
JACK: Learn to take a compliment.
[SALLY THE HAIRDRESSER COMES INTO THE LOBBY FROM THE BACK AND HANDS A PIECE OF PAPER TO THE RECEPTIONIST.]
SALLY: Here's the bill for "Red McChatty" back there. Get the next one shampooed, I'm gonna go out back and smoke whatever's in the bottom of my pocket.
[JACK AND WILL STOP SALLY BEFORE SHE LEAVES.]
JACK: Actually, your next one, Barry, isn't here yet. But we'll be making his decisions for him.
WILL: Yeah, he's 35. He just came out of the closet.
WILL: We've been working with him for the last few weeks to get him ready for the HRC Gala tonight. I hear what you're saying: "Tonight, are you mad? He should've had his hair cut a week ago, it would have time to set, that's Hair 101."
JACK: Yeah, but we had a dilemma. You see, his body was in worse shape than his hair, so we had to send him to a fat farm.
WILL: [CHUCKLES] He thought he was going to a spa. Isn't that great?
SALLY: [TO THE RECEPTIONIST] Why is everyone talking to me today?
JACK: Um... Anyway, this is how we want his hair cut, okay? Chunky, but not too chunky.
WILL: PC, but not too PC.
JACK: And gay, but not too gay.
WILL: Yeah, we want him to be cruised in Chelsea, but not beat up in Brooklyn.
SALLY: Oh, crap, here she comes!
[SALLY RUNS OUT AS GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: [TO WILL AND JACK] Hey. So, how's my hair look?
JACK: Delicious. Your ears have never looked better.
GRACE: Thank you.
[JACK LOOKS AT WILL.]
GRACE: And you two look great. And I'm not saying that just because I feel so good about myself right now.
WILL: Well, you know, it's a big night. Every a-list gay will be there.
JACK: You know, the creme de la creme of the creme de la femme. And I am not leaving that benefit until I get serious with at least five guys.
WILL: Hey... Hey, the Human Rights Campaign is not some silly dating service. It's an essential advocacy group for gay and lesbian issues. How did that sound? Too smart to land a hot dumb guy?
[CUT TO THE BACK. KAREN IS GETTING HER NAILS MANICURED.]
KAREN: Careful with those tips, I want them nice and pointy in case I have to stab someone in the neck.
[THE CHAIR NEXT TO KAREN'S TURNS. IT'S KAREN'S FRIEND AND RIVAL, BEVERLEY LESLIE.]
BEVERLEY: My, my, my, my, my. If it isn't my dear friend, Karen Walker. So nice to see you.
KAREN: Why, Beverley Leslie, if you'd sit on a phone book, it'd be nice to see you too.
[KAREN AND BEVERLEY GIVE EACH OTHER AN AIR KISS TO EACH CHEEK.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, I haven't had a chance to tell you how sorry it was to hear about your poor wife, Crystal. Is she any better?
BEVERLEY: Well, it was a dicey, experimental surgery. But those Dominican doctors said if she wanted to look 70 again, she'd just have to try it.
KAREN: And yet, she lived through it. You must have been devastated.
BEVERLEY: Oh, I'll survive. But poor you... Your husband, Stanley Walker, dumps you for a younger hootchie mama who serves soft potatoes. He went from smashed to mashed. I have to laugh to keep from crying.
[BEVERLEY LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY. KAREN POKES HIM WITH HER FINGERNAIL.]
BEVERLEY: Ow!
[KAREN LOOKS AT HER FINGERNAILS AND SMILES.]
[CUT TO THE LOBBY. WILL AND JACK ARE WAITING. BARRY QUICKLY ENTERS, TOTALLY FRAZZLED.]
BARRY: Will, Jack, this whole day has been a disaster. D. I. Saster. The plane from the S & M camp you call a spa took off a half-hour late. So what do I do? I eat a muffin. Sure, I spit most of it into a trash can like they taught me, but, I accidentally swallowed a few crumbs, and god help me... maybe a nut. Now I'm late.
[BARRY HURRIES TOWARDS THE BACK, BUT SEES HIMSELF IN A MIRROR.]
BARRY: Oh! I look awful! My hair is never gonna look good. It's stringy and ugly, and I'm fat!
[BARRY EXITS TO THE BACK.]
JACK: Yikes, that was a little much.
WILL: [SCOFFS] What a drama queen.
[BEAT.]
WILL: Our little boy's growing up.
JACK: I'm so proud.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment, Will's Bedroom
(WILL is sitting on his bed, talking to Barry on the phone.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Barry, it's okay you didn't like Broken Hearts Club or Kiss Me, Guido. Let me tell you a little secret, that we try to keep within the community. Gay movies suck. But, until the laws change, we're still obligated to go see 'em.
GRACE: [VOICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM] Will?
WILL: [CALLING TO GRACE] In here!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Look, don't sweat it. Call me anytime. I'll see you tonight.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE AS GRACE ENTERS THE BEDROOM, CARRYING A GARMENT BAG.]
WILL: Okay, huge news...huge! Barry has decided to shave his beard.
GRACE: [SHRUGGING] That's it?
WILL: Are you kidding? His beard is his last connection to his closeted life.
GRACE: Well, unless he's gonna shave it off with his feet, I still don't see the bigness.
WILL: Trust me, this is a huge event in his life. And it should be marked in some meaningful way. Damn, I wish there was time to bake peanut butter cookies.
GRACE: Can we change the subject to something important? What am I wearing to this party tonight? Okay, dressing for these things, it's always a fine line. How do I turn on the gay guys without arousing the lesbians?
WILL: [CHUCKLES] Heh. Barry's got a new tux. He didn't want me to see it until tonight... Wanted to surprise me. Isn't that adorable?
GRACE: [DISMISSIVE] Yeah, cute as a box of babies.
[GRACE PULLS OUT FOUR DRESSES FROM THE GARMENT BAG AND LAYS THEM ON THE BED.]
GRACE: Okay, this one's slitty. This one's slutty. This one's titty. This one's butty. Okay, here's some accessories and lingerie. Mix and match, enjoy. [GRACE SITS ON THE BED AND SIGHS.]
WILL: Oh... [WILL CHUCKLES]
GRACE: [SIGHS] What?
WILL: This is gonna kill you.
GRACE: I doubt it.
WILL: Barry went to Barney's to pick out his first gym bag. Can you imagine what that was like?
GRACE: I can... And it's not very interesting. Man, the way you're going on about him, it's like you-- [GASPS] You like him.
WILL: What?! Barry? Come on, Barry's not my type.
GRACE: Don't give me that. I know all the signs. You talk about him constantly. You wanna bake cookies for him. Your face lights up with a huge grin every time his name is mentioned.
WILL: No, it doesn't.
GRACE: Barry.
[WILL CHUCKLES AND SMILES.]
[GRACE GASPS AND POINTS AT WILL.]
SCENE III: The Human Rights Campaign Gala, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel
(WILL is already at the gala. The room is filled with men and women.)
[GRACE ENTERS THE ROOM AND SEES THE SMALL STAIRCASE, LEADING ONTO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: [WHINING] Oh, for crying out loud, this is ridiculous. I just walked up a flight of stairs. [SIGHS] What, did they put this here just so that the queens could make an entrance?
[GRACE SIGHS AND PLODS DOWN THE STAIRS TO WILL.]
WILL: No...! [QUIETLY] And don't talk like that. This organization is dedicated to breaking down those kind of stereotypes.
[JACK ENTERS AND POSES AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.]
JACK: [LOUDLY] Hello, girls! Dolly's back in town.
[JACK DRAMATICALLY DESCENDS THE STAIRCASE.]
[JACK WALKS PAST WILL AND GRACE.]
JACK: I'm a-go working....
GRACE: Somewhere, Rip Taylor is saying, "Now, that's faggy." [TO WILL] So whatcha doin'? Waitin' for your date?
WILL: Barry is not my date.
GRACE: Yet, you admit you love him.
WILL: If I care for him, it is only in the way that a mentor cares for his student. You know, the way-- the way, in My Fair Lady, Henry Higgins cared for Eliza Doolittle.
GRACE: Henry Higgins loved Eliza. He grew accustomed to her face. That's love.
WILL: Oh, please, if there was any love in that story, it was between Higgins and Pickering.
GRACE: You're nuts.
WILL: Two confirmed bachelors in their late fifties whose idea of a good time is dressing Audrey Hepburn in fabulous Edith Head outfits? Oh, they were gay, my friend. [CHUCKLING] They were gay.
[KAREN ENTERS AND STOPS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.]
KAREN: Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided... I'd like you to meet someone. He's been plucked, coiffed, buffed, and fluffed. May I present to you... My cousin Barry!
[KAREN MOTIONS AND HOLDS OUT HER ARM TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE. BARRY ENTERS IN FROM THE RIGHT. HE LOOKS VERY HANDSOME IN HIS TUXEDO.]
GRACE: Wow, he's hot!
JACK: The final test, Grace finds him attractive. He's gay, all right.
[LATER. BARRY AND JACK AND STANDING AROUND HAVING A DRINK.]
BARRY: Where's Will? I haven't seen him all night.
JACK: Oh, you know... Will likes to do his own thing at these events. He's probably sucking down ten crab cakes before he makes a desperate move on some ugly waiter.
[A CUTE GUY WALKS UP TO BARRY.]
BYRON: Hi. I'm Byron--
JACK: [INTERRUPTING] Ah, sorry! He's not interested. Move along. Buh-bye, Byron. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
[BYRON WALKS OFF.]
BARRY: Why did you do that? He seemed great.
JACK: You just rejected one of the hottest guys here. Everyone will be talking about it. Look around. Your mystique level just went up, like, 158 points.
BARRY: Wow, 42 more, I can upgrade to business gay. [CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF] Heh-heh.
JACK: Funny. But when you say something witty at a party, you should always appear bored, take a sip of your drink, and look away. That way, it'll seem like it happens all the time. Okay? Par example: [CLEARS THROAT] Though two rights might make a wrong, a rolling butt gathers no moss.
[JACK SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND LOOKS AWAY.]
BARRY: I see... But that wasn't really a joke, was it? It was pretty much just a random selection of words.
JACK: Exactly... My four-fingered friend. [JACK SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND LOOKS AWAY.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO BARRY AND JACK.]
WILL: Hey, some party, huh? I just saw two guys meet, marry, split up, and then get back together again for the sake of the Eames furniture.
BARRY: It's amazing, I've never seen so many good-looking guys in one room.
JACK: Hey! You can include yourself in that, mister.
[CHUCKLES]
JACK: Doesn't he look good, Will?
WILL: Yeah, he--he looks great.
JACK: Yeah. Check out his pecs.
[JACK GRABS AT BARRY'S CHEST.]
JACK: It's like he's got a granite bra on. Come on, feel 'em.
BARRY: Come on, Will, objectify me.
WILL: [NERVOUS] No... I-I-I got crab cake on my fingers. I-I need to get a-a-a... crab cake... removal... system. [UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE WALKS OFF] Oy.
[CUT TO THE SILENT AUCTION ROOM. PAMELA IS OVERSEEING THE SILENT AUCTION WHEN KAREN ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND.]
KAREN: [TO PAMELA] There's some cute guys here, huh? Too bad they're all 'mos. Ha ha ha...
PAMELA: It doesn't really matter to me, I'm a lesbian.
KAREN: Oh... [GIGGLES] Honey, we're all lesbians when the right guy isn't around, huh?
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.]
Now, I wanna buy a little somethin' for my Jackie. Somethin' shiny... but non-toxic, 'cause you know it's just gonna end up in his mouth.
PAMELA: You don't buy things. It's a silent auction. You write down your bid. We'll announce the winners at the end of the night, and the money goes to help enact hate-crime laws and battle prejudice.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Oh... And they say lesbians aren't funny.
[PAMELA TOUCHES KAREN'S ARM AND SHOWS HER A CLIPBOARD.]
PAMELA: Here's an exciting item, uh... a gourmet chef comes to your house and prepares a romantic dinner for two.
[KAREN REMOVES PAMELA'S HAND FROM HER ARM.]
KAREN: Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear, coach. But, uh, I just got out of a relationship, and I think it's a little early, okay? But I think Jackie might like it. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[KAREN TAKES A PEN AND PUTS DOWN A BID.]
[BEVERLEY ENTERS THE ROOM.]
BEVERLEY: Not so fast. I want that dinner too.
KAREN: Well, what are you doing here, you frosted mini-wheat?
BEVERLEY: Now, you know, the plight of the homosexual is a cause dear to my wife Crystal's heart. So I plan on taking her money and purchasing that dinner for me and my business associate, Benji.
[BEVERLEY MOTIONS TO HIS "ASSOCIATE" BENJI--A TALL, YOUNG, HANDSOME BLACK MAN. BENJI GIGGLES AND WAVES TO KAREN. BEVERLEY SMILES.]
[CUT TO THE BALLROOM. GRACE WALKS UP TO WILL, WHO'S STANDING BY HIMSELF POUTING.]
GRACE: Oh, I love gay events. Just got my eyebrows waxed in the men's room. Meanwhile, in the ladies room, I learned how to rewire a lamp. What's with the puss?
WILL: How could you do this to me? Why would you tell me that I like Barry?
GRACE: Because you do like him.
WILL: That's not the point. I was perfectly happy not knowing how I felt. Now I feel all--all raw and self-conscious, like--like a stewardess without makeup. Thanks a lot, Grace.
GRACE: Stop it. You always do this. Instead of allowing yourself to feel-- Oh, I don't know, excited or happy or vulnerable, you just go straight to anger.
WILL: No, I don't.
GRACE: Oh, really? How do you feel about the ending of Titanic?
WILL: [ANGRILY] Oh, that was just stupid! Of course they hit an iceberg! Two guys in the crow's nest, a ship that big?!
GRACE: Come on, Will, it's okay. You can like him.
WILL: I do. I like him so much. Look at him.
[WILL AND GRACE LOOK OVER AT BARRY. HE'S SURROUNDED BY JACK AND A BUNCH OF GUYS. THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING. BARRY SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY.]
GRACE: Ask him out.
WILL: Nah, nah, I don't know...
GRACE: Okay, you listen to me. You are a gorgeous man, who is smart, sexy, and kind.
WILL: Wow... How many deviled eggs did you have?
GRACE: Okay, just go up to him, and talk to him, and say what you feel. He'd be so lucky to have you.
WILL: I will. I will. I-I-I gotta go to the men's room. My eyebrows are too bushy. Thanks, sweetie.
[GRACE LEANS IN TO KISS WILL.]
WILL: [HOLDING HIS HAND UP TO HER FACE] Yeah, that's okay.
[BEVERLEY PUTS DOWN A BID ON THE CLIPBOARD.]
[KAREN RUNS UP BEHIND HIM AND QUICKLY WRITES A BID DOWN AND WALKS AWAY.]
[BEVERLEY RUNS IN A PUTS IN A BID.]
[KAREN RUNS UP AND THE TWO BEGIN PULLING AT THE CLIPBOARD.]
BEVERLEY: That dinner is mine, you sad, pickled woman!
KAREN: It's mine, Baby Gap!
[BEVERLEY GETS THE CLIPBOARD AND WRITES IN A BID.]
BEVERLEY: All right! Top that... Mrs. Walker.
KAREN: I can't. Since Stan left me, I can't throw around money with the same ease that I can throw around you. I'm out, you happy now?
BEVERLEY: Oh! What kind of human being would I be if I couldn't ring joy from a dear friend's misery? [LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY.] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
KAREN: Well...enjoy your dinner. You're short.
[KAREN TURNS ON HER HEELS AND WALKS OUT, HEAD HELD HIGH.]
[CUT TO WILL AND JACK LOOKING AT BARRY TALKING TO A GUY.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Will. Will, look at our boy. Isn't he doing great? I'm so proud of us. We should win an award.
WILL: I don't think they give out awards for helping people be gay. Well... unless you count the Tonys.
JACK: Look, I gotta go to the little boys room. My hose is riding up.
WILL: You're wearing pantyhose?
JACK: No. [POINTING AT BARRY] Come on. You go-- Go keep an eye on Barry. He doesn't understand how predatory some of these guys can be.
[JACK NOTICES A GUY.]
JACK: Ooh, excuse me. I see a defenseless queerling who's wandered away from the flock.
[JACK WALKS OFF FLAPPING HIS ARMS.]
[GRACE WALKS UP TO WILL.]
GRACE: Why haven't you talked to him yet?
WILL: I'm intimidated, okay? It's like I've-- I've created a guy that's too hot for me to date. It's the same reason Dr. Frankenstein didn't date his monster.
GRACE: What? Dr. Frankenstein wasn't a homo.
WILL: Oh, really? He sewed together a bunch of guys to create the perfect man? Wrapped him in linen. Give him a flat head, so you can set a drink on it. Dr. Frank was a 'mo, my friend. [CHUCKLING] He was a 'mo.
GRACE: Go.
WILL: No.
[GRACE BREATHES IN WILL'S FACE.]
WILL: Oh!
[WILL WALKS TOWARDS BARRY, WHO TURNS AROUND AND BUMPS INTO HIM.]
WILL: Oh, hey. Barry, I-I...
BARRY: Will, you've gotta help keep me away from that auction table. I'm bidding on things I don't even want.
WILL: I know. I'm up to $ 300 on lunch and a steam with Jerry Orbach.
[BARRY NODS TO A CUTE GUY PASSING HIM.]
BARRY: [TO THE GUY] Hey. [TO WILL] Wow, that guy's been checking me out all night.
WILL: He's not right for you!
BARRY: Why? Oh, right. Jack's rule: Never date someone white after labor day. I'm gonna go over there.
WILL: Yeah, you know, but-- But Barry, don't, um... Don't listen to his rules, okay. They're stupid. Except for that one about waiting half an hour after eating before dating a lifeguard. But, you know... Wh-when the right guy is there, you'll know it.
BARRY: I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna find him.
WILL: You will. He may even be closer than you think. In fact, um... Barry, there's something that I've been meaning to--
BARRY KARAS: Okay, everybody, listen up. The silent auction is now officially closed. Congratulations, we've raised more money here tonight than we ever have before.
PAMELA: We'll start by announcing our first item: A romantic dinner for two, cooked in your very own home.
BARRY KARAS: And the winner is... Karen Walker.
BEVERLEY: Wait, wait. Ho, whoa, what? No! No, no, that's impossible! I was the highest bidder.
KAREN: You're not the highest anything! I switched the books on you. Yeah. You've just spent a ton of Crystal's money on two front row tickets to see the Indigo Girls. [GIGGLES]
BEVERLEY: [CRYING] Benji! Benji!
[BEVERLEY RUNS TO BENJI AND BENJI HUGS HIM.]
[KAREN WALKS UP TO THE STAGE.]
KAREN: Thank you. Thank you. Gays rule! And to show my appreciation, I would like to give my romantic dinner to my best gal pal, Jack McFarland, to share with whoever he wants.
JACK: What?! What? I won! I won! I won!
[JACK RUNS ONTO THE STAGE.]
JACK: Thank you, Karen!
[JACK AND KAREN HUG AND WAG THEIR TOUNGES AT EACH OTHER AS IF FRENCH KISSING: La-la-la-la-la!]
JACK: Now, I know the question that's on everybody's lips. Who will I be sharing this dinner with? Who?
[JACK TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND WALKS INTO THE CROWD.]
JACK: Who, you? No. Who? Who? Who...
WILL: [TO BARRY] Anyway, wh-where was I? I-I--you know what, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Barry...
JACK: Barry!
JACK: Would you go out--
WILL: Would you go out with me?
BARRY: Me?
WILL: You? Him?
BARRY: I can't believe you're asking me. Yeah, of course I would go out with you. [TO WILL] Wow, it's just like you said, maybe the right guy was closer than I thought.
[JACK AND BARRY WALK OFF WITH THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. KAREN WATCHES, SMILING, AS THEY WALK OFF. GRACE PUTS HER ARM AROUND WILL TO COMFORT HIM.]
GRACE: And then, we got married. It was like a fairy tale. And on the first night of our honeymoon, he said something to me that I have never told anyone. You're gonna love this--
[THE BARTENDER SIGHS AND TURNS ON THE BLENDER. IT DROWNS OUT GRACE, WHO KEEPS TALKING AND MOVING HER HANDS AROUND.]
[THE BARTENDER TURNS OFF THE BLENDER.]
GRACE: --was Jewish.
