SCENE I: Central Park
(WILL, JACK, and KAREN are walking through the park. WILL is carrying a basket, JACK has a blanket, KAREN has a folding chair.)
WILL: You know, I think fall is finally here. I just saw the first drunk of the season turn yellow and tumble gently to the ground.
KAREN: I tripped, okay?
JACK: What is with a picnic in November anyway? I'm freezing my perfect peach off.
WILL: Oh, yeah. This is it. This is perfect. Right here. And, Jack, take off that hat. It makes you look like a woman.
[JACK PULLS OFF HIS HAT.]
WILL: Oh, it wasn't the hat.
[JACK SPREADS OUT THE BLANKET. KAREN SETS UP HER CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.]
JACK: Why are we doing this?
WILL: Come on. It's sunny. It's New Yorky. I read this thing in "O," the Oprah magazine on tapas picnics, and I've been dying to try one.
KAREN: Oprah can be a lot of fun. And there's no one I'd rather have watching my back in a bar fight.
[WILL BEGINS UNLOADING THE BASKET, SETTING UP HIS APPETIZERS ON THE BLANKET.]
[GRACE AND LEO WALK UP, HOLDING HANDS. LEO HAS A FOOTBALL UNDER HIS ARM.]
GRACE: Hey, guys. Sorry we're late. We grabbed a couple hot dogs.
WILL: I told you I was making tapas.
GRACE: I know.
LEO: Hey, guys.
WILL: Oh...Leo. I don't know if we have enough food for five people.
LEO: That's okay. Grace just ate enough hot dogs for five people.
KAREN: [TO LEO, RE: THE FOOTBALL] Hey. Honey, you got a lump under that arm. You might wanna have that looked at.
LEO: Come on. It's November in the park. I thought we'd, you know, toss around a football.
JACK: Um, look, Leo. I know you're new here. And, um, we don't want you to think we're really cliquey and don't let anyone in our little group. But, um, well... we're really cliquey. We don't want anyone in our little group, so... [WILL AND KAREN NOD.]
KAREN: So, if you wanna break into the fag four, this symbol of gay oppression has to go. Come on, Jackie. Get rid of it.
[JACK THROWS THE FOOTBALL, A PERFECT SPIRAL.]
JACK: Hah. Who knew I could do that?
WILL: Ladies and gentlemen. [LISPING WITH SPANISH ACCENT] Prepare yourselves for the finest feast this side of Barcelona. My gift to you. Enjoy.
[THE FOOTBALL COMES FLYING BACK AND LANDS ON THE PICNIC BLANKET.]
JACK: It's a boomerang. It went around the world.
WILL: My platanas bravas ruined, splattered all over this cashmere throw, and look at these broken ramekins.
LEO: You're a trip, Will.
GRACE: Oh, sweetie. It's probably going to take a while to clean up. We're gonna go make out.
[GRACE AND LEO WANDER OFF.]
KAREN: Holy cripes. Am I outside?
[GRACE AND LEO ARE WALKING THROUGH THE PARK.]
[GRACE POINTS TO THE WATER.]
GRACE: Oh, how sweet. Look at that cute duck.
LEO: Oh, that's not a duck. It's a rat.
GRACE: Why is that little girl feeding it popcorn?
LEO: Not our business. Keep walking.
[A BRIDE AND GROOM RUN PAST LEO AND GRACE.]
GROOM: Come on, lets go!
GRACE: Whoa. Aw, that poor bride. So hard to find a bathroom in the park.
[GRACE AND LEO NOTICE A TENT SET UP IN THE PARK, WITH A VAN PARKED NEARBY. THERE ARE ABOUT A HUNDRED BRIDES AND GROOMS.]
MAN WITH BULLHORN: May I have your attention, please? Can we get all the brides and grooms? Quickly people.
[GRACE AND LEO RUN DOWN TO THE TENT TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.]
[GRACE STOPS BY THE VAN, AND TAPS SOMEONE ON THE SHOULDER.]
GRACE: Hey, kid, can you tell us what's going on here?
[TODAY SHOW HOST KATIE COURIC TURNS AROUND.]
KATIE: Did you just call me kid?
GRACE: You're Katie Couric. I love you!
KATIE: Well, thank you. I'm sure if we spent more time together, I'd love you too.
GRACE: So, uh, what is going on here? [QUIETLY TO LEO] Talking with Katie.
KATIE: We're just having this mass wedding. Some stupid stunt for sweeps.
LEO: Well, if you're here, where in the world is Matt Lauer? Ha ha ha!
KATIE: Ha ha!
LEO: [QUIETLY TO KATIE] Laughin' with Katie.
KATIE: Yeah, I asked myself the same damn question when they told me I had to work on a Sunday, as if being cute and perky five days a week isn't enough hard enough.
GRACE: I hear that.
KATIE: Hey, you two look happy. Would you like to get married today?
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
LEO: Sure. Yeah, why not? [TO GRACE] What do you say?
GRACE: Yeah, why not? We'll help the ratings.
[GRACE NOTICES THAT LEO IS SERIOUS]
GRACE: Would you excuse us, Katie Couric?
[GRACE PULLS LEO OFF TO THE SIDE.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
LEO: I'm serious. We met in the park. Let's get married in the park.
GRACE: But this is just-- I mean, we're talking about-- We've only known each other, like, two months.
LEO: Grace. Come on, you know we're gonna do it eventually. You know what? I'm doing this all wrong.
[LEO BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP A DANDELION. HE MAKES IT INTO A RING.]
LEO: Grace Adler, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So here, today, right now, in front of God... and Katie Couric, I'm asking you... [LEO SLIPS THE "RING" ONTO GRACE'S FINGER] Will you marry me?
GRACE: Yes. Yes, I will. Let's do it.
[LEO AND GRACE HUG AND KISS.]
GRACE: This is just a temporary ring, right?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL, JACK, and KAREN are returning from their picnic in the park.)
WILL: That was a disaster. [SIGHS] Tapas in the park. That's the last time I cook something out of a magazine. [NOTICES A MAGAZINE ON THE TABLE] Ooh, "Gourmet" has a special on savory pies of Edinburgh. [SCOTTISH ACCENT] Save your appetites, lassies!
KAREN: Hey, what happened to Grace and that foreign fellow she's been hangin' around with?
JACK: Maybe they went to the Guggenheim. That's a real place, right?
[GRACE AND LEO ENTER, ALL EXCITED.]
WILL: What happened to you guys?
GRACE: [TO LEO] Are you gonna tell them or shall I?
LEO: Well, if you don't mind, I kinda want to.
GRACE: Okay. Go ahead.
LEO: Okay. We met Katie Couric!
WILL: Cool!
GRACE: No, no. That's not the news. We got married!
JACK: What?
GRACE: Just now, in the park.
KAREN: What?
GRACE: There was this mass wedding.
JACK AND KAREN [BOTH]: What?!
GRACE: Leo made me a ring out of a dandelion. He asked. I said yes. I threw a pretzel bouquet. A duck caught it. It was all just so romantic. And we're married.
[GRACE KISSES LEO.]
JACK: Oh, my god, Grace!
KAREN: Well, well, well. Look who penetrated the inner circle. And then he stuck around and married her.
JACK: [TO LEO] Don't get too comfy. You may have Penelope Cruzed your way in, but you can just as easily be Mimi Rogered out.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Huh? Hey. What do you think?
WILL: Wow. What a surprise. That's crazy. Just spring it on us like that. That's--that's great. Leo, great. [WILL SHAKES LEO'S HAND.]
LEO: Thanks.
WILL: And, Grace... best of luck. [WILL SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
[WILL TURNS AWAY AND GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: "Best of luck"? Well, thanks for coming to my bat mitzvah, Uncle Hachem. Have a safe drive to back to Syosset.
KAREN: I don't know what half those words meant. [JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
[GRACE JOINS WILL IN THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Um, what's going on?
WILL: What? Nothing. I'm happy for you. You know, it's the biggest moment of your life. Why would you include me? I-I don't matter. I'm nothing. Best of luck.
GRACE: Oh, Will... that is so... freakin' lame!
[GRACE GRABS WILL'S ARM, AND TWISTS IT BEHIND HIS BACK.]
WILL: Ow!
GRACE: You listen to me, Will Truman. I know that this is sudden and not the way we thought it was gonna be, but you are my best friend, and you will be thrilled for me.
WILL: Would you-- You’re hurting me!
GRACE: It's about me! I'm the bride! I'm the bride!
LEO: [TO GRACE] Whoa, whoa. Take it easy. Whoa, hey.
[LEO PULLS GRACE OFF WILL.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] I'm the bride! You hear me?!
LEO: Take it easy. Don't break him. I still need him for the 20% of you I can't handle. [TO JACK AND KAREN] Hey, uh, help me out, guys.
KAREN: Come on, Grace. You're married! Let's celebrate by throwing away most of your clothes.
GRACE: I don't need to throw away my clothes.
JACK: Yeah, come on. What about the whorey-lookin' stuff you use to pick up guys?
GRACE: Let's go.
[GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN RUN INTO HER BEDROOM.]
LEO: Will, are you okay, man?
[WILL IS DIGGING THROUGH THE REFRIGERATOR.]
WILL: I'm fine. I just wish if Grace was going to finish the Hershey syrup, that she wouldn't put the empty can back in the refrigerator!
GRACE: [FROM THE BEDROOM] I'm the bride!
LEO: Look, uh-- Will, I know you feel left out. Would it help to know that right before we got married Grace said, "I really wish Will were here?" And I said, "Me too?"
WILL: Really?
LEO: I just asked, would it help?
WILL: Cutting the tension with cruelty. How thoughtful of you.
LEO: I'm sorry. I know you and Grace have been friends forever. And I just come and whisk her away like that. It's gotta hurt.
WILL: It does. Look, I know that I-I-I put out this tough-guy image. I know people think of me as all hard and strong and macho-y. Look at this flower arrangement, it's atrocious. [WILL BEGINS FIXING THE ARRANGEMENT.]
WILL: The truth is, it does hurt. I'm never going to have a wedding of my own and I-- being a part of Grace's was important to me.
LEO: What are you talking about? You--you can have a wedding.
LEO: Oh, please! Gay weddings? Some witchy lesbian waves a stick over you on a beach somewhere. While a drag queen sings "Evergreen." I'm talking about a traditional wedding. Grace and I used to stay up nights talking about what hers would be like. I didn't have a hell of a lot going on at the time. I-I--I'd have this beautiful tux, big through here and small through here. She'd have a gorgeous gown. Small through here and big through here. At the reception, I-I'd make a great toast. And everybody would laugh at the right places and cry in the right places. And then we'd do this great dance that we'd tell everybody we hadn't worked on, but secretly we had.
GRACE: We can still do all that.
WILL: I-I didn't know you were--
GRACE: I mean, it may not be the first dance, but it could be the second.
LEO: Are you talking about a wedding reception? 'Cause I'd really be into that.
WILL: You guys would do that for me?
LEO: No, not just-- Yeah. Just for you, all for you.
WILL: I am going to be so beautiful. Yay!
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
SCENE III: The Reception at the New York Palace Hotel
(All of GRACE's friends are here, including her mother, BOBBI ADLER, KAREN, ROSARIO, ROB and ELLEN, JOE and LARRY. WILL and JACK are dancing to the disco music, "Fire" by the Ohio Players.)
WILL: Jack, Jack. Hey. It's almost time for my toast, so give me a really good introduction, okay?
JACK: Okay, I got it.
WILL: It should not include the words "bald," "fat," or "impotent."
JACK: Okay, give me five minutes.
[WILL AND JACK DO A LITTLE SYNCRONIZED DANCE STEP.]
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
[JOE AND LARRY ARE DANCING WITH LEO. GRACE AND HER MOTHER, BOBBI ADLER, ARE SITTING AT A TABLE TALKING, LOOKING AT LEO.]
BOBBI: This all happened so fast. I don't even know from Leo. I'm not sure I approve.
GRACE: He's a Jewish doctor.
BOBBI: Ooh, I love him! Don't cock it up.
JOE: Congratulations, Leo. We're so happy for you guys.
LEO: Hey, thanks. We're just a bunch of old married folks now.
LARRY: Well, you are. Our marriage isn't recognized by the State of New York. Mazel tov.
[ELLEN IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE DRINKING A GLASS OF MILK. SHE IS PREGNANT AGAIN. ROB IS STANDING NEXT TO HER DANCING.]
ROB: Honey. You wanna dance?
ELLEN: [ANNOYED] Well, let's see about that, Rob. I'm carrying a boulder on my groin, and my feet have swollen twice their natural size. Yeah. Let's cut a rug, honey.
[KAREN IS SLOW-DANCING WITH ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Rosie, how come we've never gotten together?
ROSARIO: Lady, quit trying to unhook my bra.
[JACK STEPS ON THE STAGE. HE PICKS UP A CHAMPAGNE GLASS AND A SPOON AND BEGINS TAPPING THE GLASS.]
JACK: [TAPPING THE GLASS] Excuse me. Excuse me. [THE GLASS SHATTERS.]
[HI PICKS UP ANOTHER GLASS]
JACK: [TAPPING THE GLASS] Excuse me. Excuse me. [THE GLASS SHATTERS.]
JACK: [JACK BANGS THE SPOON ON THE PIANO] Excuse me!
[THE MUSIC STOPS AND EVERYONE LOOKS AT JACK. JACK PICKS UP A MICROPHONE.]
JACK: Hi. Now it's time to toast the lovely couple. And who better to start things off than the most important person in Grace's life. Her friend, her confidant. And it pains me to admit this, but the most gorgeous man I know. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, me! [JACK TWIRLS AROUND. EVERYONE APPLAUDS.]
JACK: Grace. Leo. What can I say about you two beautiful kids? Except... Acting is a craft which has been around for literally many, many years. And I should know. I'm Jack McFarland, creator of the McFarland Method, which has helped countless aspiring actors, actresses, and act-transgender individuals...
ELEANOR: [TO LEO] There's some very interesting people here.
LEO: Just wait, mom.
JACK: Now let's hear from another very important person in Grace's life. One who has been there for her through sick and sin. A great man, ladies and gentlemen... Karen Walker.
[THE GUESTS APPLAUD AS KAREN TAKES THE STAGE.]
KAREN: Thank you. Hmm. Grace, Leon. This is truly a wonderful evening. See, folks. Some people do buy the cow. How 'bout that? Thanks. Well, I am so, so happy for you both. Thank you, everyone. Man, there are a lot of Jews here. Wow.
[JACK TAKES THE MIC AND KAREN STEPS DOWN.]
JACK: Thank you. Well, I guess that's everyone. So thank you for coming. Enjoy your m--
[WILL GRABS THE MIC AND PUSHES JACK OFF THE STAGE.]
WILL: Hi. I remember the first time I met Grace. It was freshman year at Columbia. And I was pretty much like any other college guy. I lived in the dorm with the bare essentials... futon, stereo, cast iron enamel fondue pot. Anyway, one night I was making up a batch for myself and my roommate Rob. [POINTS TO ROB.]
ROB: [STANDS UP] I am not gay, everyone! Do you hear that? I love the ladies. I'm a breast man. [TAKES A DRINK OF CHAMPAGNE.]
WILL: So, um, the chocolate was just coming to a gentle boil, when this creature appeared at my door... sniffing. I looked at her. She looked at the chocolate, and the two of them have been together ever since. [LAUGHS] No, no, no. I joke a lot about Grace, but... well, truth is I couldn't be happier for her today. Leo... I was the first man to ask her to marry me. And I know you're going to be the last. To you guys.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS. THE GUESTS APPLAUD.]
JOE: Larry, you should get up and say something. They spoke at our wedding.
LARRY: That was a gay wedding. It didn't really count.
JOE: That joke isn't funny anymore.
LARRY: It is to me.
[LEO TAKES THE STAGE.]
LEO: Hi. This reminds me of something my grandfather once said: "Where's that Jamaican woman who feeds me?" I'm not very good at this. But someone who was, was Lord Byron, so I stole this from him. "The light of love, the purity...of grace. The mind, the music breathing from her face, the heart whose softness harmonized the whole. That eye was in itself a soul." To my wife.
[THE GUESTS APPLAUD. GRACE JOINS LEO ON THE STAGE AND GIVES HIM A KISS.]
GRACE: Thank you. You know, I'm feeling so many things right now, it's hard to put them into words. So I thought I would express myself in a different way.
GRACE: [SINGING "THROUGH THE EYES OF LOVE" HIGH-PITCHED AND OFF-KEY] Please don't let this feeling end, it might not come again, and I want to remember--
WILL: Salads are out!
GRACE: What? Oh, I don't-- I don't see salad.
KAREN: Oh, they're coming. Right, everybody?
[EVERYONE AGREES AND PUTS THEIR NAPKINS ON THEIR LAPS.]
[A LITTLE BIT LATER...]
[A WAITRESS WALKS BY. LEO TAKES AN HORS-D'OUEVRE.]
LEO: I'll have one of those. Thank you.
KAREN: What was that?
LEO: I was just taking a mini quiche.
KAREN: I know what you were doing! You were checking out that hussy, yeah. Well, let me tell you something, boy. Now that you're married, the only mini quiches you should be paying attention to are Grace's.
LEO: You're a little bit scary, aren't you?
KAREN: Listen to me, mister. If I hear that you have hurt my Gracie in any way, I will hurt you, yeah. I have people. I'm not gonna say who. But I do.
[KAREN WALKS AWAY. LEO TURNS AROUND. ROSARIO IS STANDING THERE.]
ROSARIO: Hello.
GRACE: Leo! Time to cut the cake. Okay, everyone! Come on up.
[LEO AND GRACE JOIN EACH OTHER AT THE CAKE. EVERYONE FORMS A CIRCLE AROUND THEM.]
GRACE: Okay, you are the doctor. I will follow your lead.
LEO: Okay, I'm not a doctor. I just said that so you'd marry me.
ELEANOR: Well, he's kidding.
BOBBI: He better be.
[LEO CUTS A PIECE OF CAKE AND TURNS TO GRACE.]
LEO: You want some--
[GRACE IS ALREADY EATING CAKE.]
GRACE: Oh, you wa--
LEO: No, no, no, that's fine.
BOBBI: Where are you kids going on your honeymoon?
GRACE: We haven't really talked about it yet.
ELEANOR: You should take her to your cabin.
GRACE: You have a cabin?
LEO: Yeah, I go there to fish.
GRACE: You fish?
LEO: Mm-hmm. I learned in Africa.
GRACE: You were in Africa?
LEO: Yeah, when I was with Doctors Without Borders.
GRACE: You were with Doctors Without Borders?
ROSARIO: Have you two met?
ELLEN: So, Grace, are you going to keep your last name?
GRACE: Um, I haven't really thought about it.
BOBBI: How many grandkids can I count on?
LEO: I don't know... Five.
GRACE: Two.
LEO: Four.
GRACE: Three. Oh. We haven't talked about it yet.
LEO: Yeah.
ELLEN: Yikes, that's the first thing I'd talk about.
JOE: Well, didn't you cover any of this in your premarital counseling?
GRACE: We didn't have any premarital counseling.
LARRY: Well, that's one way to go.
WILL: Hey, hey. Let's give the newlyweds a break here. I'm sure they know all the important stuff. Like favorite song. Favorite movie. Birthdays? No? Ppf. Doesn't matter.
[WILL TURNS AWAY, MOUTHING "WOW" TO KAREN AND ELLEN.]
ELEANOR: Don't worry, Grace. Marvin will fill you in on all that stuff.
GRACE: That's right, Eleanor. Who's Marvin?
LEO: That'd be me.
GRACE: Your name is Marvin?
LEO: Yeah, yeah. People always call me "Leo"... 'cause my name's Marvin.
JACK: [LAUGHS WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CAKE] You just married a guy, and you don't even know his name? Silly.
KAREN: It's okay, honey. He's been calling you "Grace" this whole time.
GRACE: I don't know your name?
LEO: Come on, my first wife didn't have a problem with that. Huh? [LAUGHS]
GRACE: You were married before?!
LEO: Okay, wrong time to try that joke. [QUIETLY] Are you okay, baby?
GRACE: Um, no, I'm-- Excuse me. [GRACE EXITS.]
LEO: Excuse me. [LEO EXITS AFTER HER.]
BOBBI: I knew she'd cock it up.
