SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will and Jack are sitting down to watch a video.)
WILL: So where's the movie? Did you get The Age of Innocence the way I asked?
JACK: Oh, I'm sorry. I must have misheard you. I thought you said to rent... Turn Your Head and Cough: Army Physicals Caught on Tape. (Grace enters.)
GRACE: Hey. Ok, I know I said it before, that I hate men. There's an update. Now they hate me. Just now in the grocery store I was flirting with that cute produce guy. I gave him the hair... The eyes... The teeth. He asked me if I needed something to keep me from swallowing my tongue.
WILL: So you got dissed by some guy in the produce department. Big deal.
GRACE: Did I not mention what also happened in the meat, dairy, and customer service departments?
JACK: Hey. H.R. Desperate-stuff... Why don't you stop trying to pick up guys in the grocery store, huh?
GRACE: Did I not mention what also happened at the hardware store, drugstore, liquor store, and Big Apple Circus? (A cell phone rings)
WILL: Jack, your ass is ringing.
JACK: That means a gay angel just got his wings. (Jack crosses his legs and quickly flips the phone open. answering the phone) Yeah?! (Beat) Yeah? Oh, my God! I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell my friends! (Jack hangs up and runs to the door.) I'll see you guys later.
GRACE: Wait a minute! Wait! Whoa! What happened?
JACK: Oh, I killed at my audition! I'm a finalist for the Manhattan Gay Men's Chorus!
GRACE: Congratulations!
WILL: Wow, Jack, that is huge. I wonder-- Is the Gay Men's Chorus really any gayer than the straight men's chorus?
JACK: They're going to Europe this summer, all expenses paid. They said everyone who goes gets per diem, but I'll just drink bottled water, so I don't have to worry about that. (Exiting) Portabella!
GRACE: Sweetie, let's hang out all weekend together and hate men. We'll sleep late, order in, and watch-- (Picks up the video) Ooh! the Army one! Great!
WILL: Can't do it. I got plans this weekend.
GRACE: Ooh? Ooh. Ooh!
WILL: With Karen.
GRACE: Eww. Why?
WILL: There's some big Valentine's day party on Shelter Island. She and Stan host it every year. All the snooty vansnoots get dressed up and dance their face-lifts off. Anyway, with Stan in prison, she's got no one to go with, so she asked a bunch of people, who all wisely said no, and I... (Sighs) I don't know. I felt bad. What's wrong with me?
GRACE: Nothing. You are a sweet, delicious man with great morals and great values. Now, put the frickin' tape in. I'm want to some mensquirm.
SCENE II: A hotel on Shelter Island, off Long Island, NY
(Karen and Will arrive, and enter the bar room off the lobby.)
KAREN: Now, I don't want you to be intimidated by these rich society people. Remember... They're just like you, only infinitely better.
WILL: Karen, I'm no more intimidated here than you would be in a roomful of people who were getting into Heaven.
KAREN: Aren't you sweet?
WILL: Listen, I'm gonna go check out my room. I hope the bed is soft. I cannot sleep on a hard mattress. Last time I slept on a hard mattress, I had this dream that I couldn't sleep because the mattress was too hard.
KAREN: Wow. You should write that one down and tell it at parties. That's a keeper.
WILL: Uh, are you gonna be in your room or here at the bar? Why am I even asking? (Will exits; Karen walks up the bar. She throws a peanut at the bartender to get his attention.)
KAREN: Honey! Give me a sapphire! (Karen's flambouyant arch-rival, Mr. Beverley Leslie, sneaks up.)
BEVERLEY: Karen Walker... I thought I smelled gin and regret.
KAREN: Beverley Leslie... You look more like a woman every time I see you.
BEVERLEY: Thank you. You know, I had to speak up for you just now. The ladies were saying how sad and pathetic you are being all alone here without Stanley, but I defended you. I said, "she's a hophead, too."
KAREN: Aw, Beverley, you're almost as sweet as a regular-sized person.
BEVERLEY: I must confess... We're gonna miss you and that husband-and-a-half closing out the weekend doing the traditional spotlight dance. Can't very well do that by yourself.
KAREN: But-- But--
BEVERLEY: Oh ho! How the mighty have fallen. Karen Walker, sad and alone. If I weren't so compassionate, I'd be laughing... Like this... (Laughs obnoxiously) Huh huh huh, ha ha ha ha! Ha!
KAREN: Oh, cut it out, you teacup poodle. It just so happens I'm not here alone.
BEVERLEY: Oh, are you insinuating that handsome, handsome man you arrived with is your lover?
KAREN: How dare you?! I love my husband! I would never dream of violating the sacred trust of our marriage by taking a lover! (Beat) He's my whore.
BEVERLEY: Ah! Your gigolo (He pronounces it "zheegolo")? I don't believe you! (Will enters the bar.)
WILL: Well, I won't be getting any sleep tonight. It's as hard as a rock. (Beverley stares at Will, mouth agape.)
SCENE III: The NYC Gay and Lesbian Center, auditions for the Manhattan gay men's chorus
(Jack is at his call back with the choral director, along with a piano player and his female assistant. Also auditioning are Burton and another guy.)
DIRECTOR: Ok, I'd like to do it again. Uh, I guess we'll have to do it without this Owen person. Apparently he has something better to do than show up for his call-back. Jack, you take Owen's solo this time.
JACK: Oh, my God. You want me to do the solo? Ok, um, just so you know, I'm dedicating this one to the men and the women in the Armed Forces.
DIRECTOR: Goody. And... (The pianist begins playing "Let's hear it for the boy" by Deniece Williams on the piano. Jack stands by moving to the music as the other guys sing.)
BURTON: (Singing) My baby, he don't talk sweet, he ain't got much to say, yeah.
GUY #1: (Singing) But he loves me, loves me, loves me. I know that he loves me anyway.
BURTON AND GUY #1: (Singing) And maybe he don't dress fine, but I don't really mind, yeah.
BURTON AND GUY #1: (Singing) 'Cause every time he pulls me near, I just wanna cheer.
JACK: (Singing) Let's-- (Owen barges in.)
OWEN: Hey, sorry I'm late! Hi. My boyfriend is having this huge family crisis. His mother was-- Ok, I tried bangs. It backfired.
DIRECTOR: We understand. (The director lifts up his baseball cap to reveal his bald head.)
JACK: (To Owen) Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live... (As Aretha) "Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Ok?"
OWEN: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."
DIRECTOR: Uh, ok. Now that Owen's here, let's take it from his part.
JACK: But I--
DIRECTOR: And... (The pianist resumes playing "Let's hear it for the boy".)
OWEN: (Singing) Maybe he's no Romeo, he's my lovin' one-man show. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Let's hear it for the boy.
DIRECTOR: Very good. Very nice. Just give me a minute while I judge you and reapply. (The director steps off to the side.)
JACK: (Looking at Burton, thinking) Hmm, Burton's no competition. Sure he can sing, but you can see his pores from space.
JACK: (Looking at GUY #1, thinking) This guy wasn't terrible, but those shoes... Not musical.
JACK: (Looking at Owen, thinking) Now... This howdy-doody-looking motherfella... He could be trouble.
OWEN: (To Jack) Oh, I'm so nervous.
JACK: Yeah, um, you were kind of off-key and, um... And your phrasing was kind of thhhpt. By the end I didn't really want to hear it for the boy. Heh... So, but, um, (Whispering) I don't think they noticed.
OWEN: I was a little worried about the competition, so I just wore my tightest t-shirt, (Mocking Jack's whisper) and I do think they noticed.
DIRECTOR: Ok, we've narrowed it down to two of you. (Burton and guy #1 hop up and down, clapping.) Uh, but not you two. (Burton and guy #1 look rejected.) Jack, Owen, take a look at this music. I'd like to hear you sing with the chorus tomorrow. Thank you. (Burton and guy #1 start to exit.)
BURTON: (Under his breath) I'm such a loser.
JACK: (Comforting) Oh, Burton. (Burton stops) You're right. (Burton gasps and exits, pouting. Thinking) Hmm, helping Burton was good karma, but how can I get rid of this guy? What's the one thing that could keep him out of the Gay Men's Chorus? (The director's female assistant walks past Owen to the door.)
OWEN: Hey.
ASSISTANT: Hey. (Owen gawks at her as she exits, looking at her butt.)
JACK: (Gasps) Anne Heche-Laffoon! He's straight!
SCENE IV: The Shelter Island Hotel bar
(Will is sitting at the bar, when a woman approaches.)
MRS SANWALD: Um, excuse me. Will, is it?
WILL: Yes.
MRS SANWALD: Yes, I--I know that you're-- How shall I say this? "Working" for Karen this weekend. I was wondering, are you taking any other clients?
WILL: Oh. Well... Servicing Karen takes up a lot of my time. Seems like I'm down there constantly, but... Um, I could probably squeeze you in.
MRS SANWALD: Ok. great. Um, I'm a little nervous. I used one of you guys before, and I wasn't very happy.
WILL: Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that with me. When I take someone on, I don't sleep until they're completely satisfied. There was this one woman-- When she came to me, she was afraid she'd never get off, and I-- I just pushed and pushed. I mean, I came at this thing from every angle. And not only did she get off, but she named her child after me. Isn't that sweet?
MRS SANWALD: Sounds great. Do you have a card?
WILL: Sure.
WOMAN #1: I want one, too.
WOMAN #2: Me, too!
WOMAN #3: Me, too!
SCENE V: Will's apartment
(Jack has invited Owen over to "rehearse.")
OWEN: Now, listen, it's real cool of you to invite me over to rehearse.
JACK: Well, I'm a giver with no ulterior motive. Would you like something to drink? Maybe a white wine spritzer or an American beer in a can that you can crush on your forehead when you're done drinking it.
OWEN: Uh, no, I'm good. I just want to get started. Man, it would be really cool to go to Europe. I almost went once with my girlfriend-- And by "girlfriend" I mean, you know, hey, girlfriend! What you wearing to Europe? Ho! Yeah, it was a guy. You know, huge arms.
JACK: Well, that's a sweet story. Hug me.
OWEN: What?
JACK: Well, I feel that we're close now. We shared. (Owen hugs Jack.) Oh, interesting. You gave me the straight-guy-double-pat-on-the-back-no-hip-contact hug.
OWEN: Actually it was more the gay-guy-bend-at-the-waist-feel-your-delts-check-out-your-shoes hug.
JACK: Ah, yes, how could I have mistaken the two? Interesting. Interesting. Um, why don't we start with some vocal exercises. (Jack glares at Owen. Quickly) What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs? And who have we slept with in common?
OWEN: I work out at home. I'm allergic to smoke. And I'm in a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend.
JACK: Name?
OWEN: Ben.
JACK: I know him.
OWEN: No, you don't.
JACK: How do you know?
OWEN: He told me you don't. (Jack growls.) I think I'll have that spritzer now. (Grace tries to open the door, but the chain is on.)
GRACE: (Through the crack in the door) Jack! Why is my door locked? You better not be using my hair crimper on your bad place again.
JACK: (To Owen) That's a mistake you just make once. Excuse me. (Jack walks to the door and exits to the hallway.)
JACK: What are you doing here?! I'm in the middle of infotaining.
GRACE: Jack, I'm not in the mood.
JACK: Oh, my dog! I have a brilliant idea. I have, in my apartment--
GRACE: My apartment.
JACK: In there right now is a hetero posing as a homo. I need you to help me get proof.
GRACE: So you want me to "in" him for you? Forget it.
JACK: Ok, yeah. That's fine. You probably couldn't get him anyway. I mean, your flirt's on the fritz. It's no big deal. I'll just get somebody else. You know, someone who is actually sexual.
GRACE: Yeah, Jack. That's gonna work... If I was Screech on "Saved By the Bell." (Owen opens the door, peeking out from behind Grace.)
OWEN: Hey, Jack, can we get started? (To Grace) Hi. (Owen shuts the door.)
GRACE: (To Jack) That's him? Give me a minute to paint on some cleavage. (Grace exits to Jack’s apartment.)
SCENE VI: The Shelter Island Hotel, Will's room
(Will is sitting on the sofa, on the phone, talking to a potential client.)
WILL: (On the phone) Uh, 1:00? Yeah, I am booked. But you and Mrs. Sandwall are friends, right? Well, would you mind if I just did you two together? (Beat) Great. Ok. (Slightly confused) I'm scared and excited too. (Will shrugs and hangs up the phone.)
(Cut to the hallway outside the room. Karen exits the elevator and approaches Will's door.)
KAREN: (Singing to herself) La di da, be ba da-- (Beverley jumps out from his room, which is right next door to Will's.)
BEVERLEY: You!
KAREN: (Gasps) Oh, good Lord! You scared me! Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies?
BEVERLEY: You're a liar, Karen Walker.
KAREN: Oh!
BEVERLEY: I don't for one minute believe that man is your zheegolo. I'm in the room next door and I haven't heard a peep from that room. And, honey, believe you me, I've been listenin'! (Karen knocks on Will's door.)
BEVERLEY: If you're being deceitful, I'd hate for people to find out, but I would love to be the one to tell 'em! (Beverley goes into his room and shuts the door. Will opens the door.)
KAREN: Oh! Hello, Will. (Karen enters Will's room.)
WILL: Karen, I don't know what you've been saying to people, but thank you. You know how many appointments I've set for potential clients this weekend?
KAREN: (Loudly, towards the wall) Oh, my God! That is huge! That's great.
WILL: I know.
KAREN: Yeah.
WILL: It's funny, though. You know, a lot of these women are so needy. A few of them asked if I'd hold them afterwards. (Karen sits up on the console table against the wall.)
KAREN: (Loudly, banging her back against the wall) Oh, wow! That is good, really good. Oh, yeah! Oh, it's good! Yeah!
WILL: Karen--
KAREN: Aah! Yeah! What?
WILL: What is going on? Oh, my God. If you're about to shed your human form, please don't make my body the next host.
KAREN: No, silly. I told everybody you were a whore, and I just want to make sure it sounds like we're having sex in here, ok?
WILL: Oh... (Jumps up) What?! Have you lost your mind?!
KAREN: (Hits her head on the wall) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh!
WILL: Stop it!
KAREN: What?
WILL: My God! Why would you spread such a horrible rumor?! What if I went around saying, "Karen Walker flies coach"?
KAREN: That would be a damaging lie!
WILL: God! This is so embarrassing. Here I am thinking I'm Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich, and meanwhile I'm Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! God! I am getting out of here.
KAREN: You're not going anywhere! The dance is at 8:00 tonight, and I need you to be my partner.
WILL: Forget it. Get somebody else from your staff... butcher or baker or painkiller-maker. Oh, I forgot. They were all smart enough to say no. (Will storms out of the hotel room, Karen stops him in the hallway.)
KAREN: Honey, wait. You're the only one I asked.
WILL: What?!
KAREN: Yes. you're the one that I wanted to be here.
WILL: Why? So you could take advantage of me?
KAREN: No. Be-because I--
WILL: Good-bye.
KAREN: No! wait a minute! Wait a minute, honey. Because ever since Stanley went to prison, you're the only man in my life that I can count on.
WILL: Well, you should have thought of that before. Good-bye. (Will exits.)
SCENE VII: Will's apartment
(Grace and Owen are sitting on the couch, drinking tea. Jack is waiting outside in the hallway.)
GRACE: Oh! (Grace leans back on the couch) What is it about Grandma's Tummy Mint tea that just makes me feel so... Sexual?
OWEN: I don't know, but if that does it for you, you might want to avoid Red Zinger. (Jack quikly enters and grabs Grace and pulls her out of the apartment.)
JACK: Grace, can I talk to you for a minute? I have a furf in my shmankman and I think I caught my hrmm in my whoo! (Jack shuts the door behind them.)
JACK: What is taking you so long? Seduce him already! God! Never send a woman in to do a man's job.
GRACE: Jack, we're straight. It's a little more complicated than "your turn."
JACK: Well, turn it up a nacho.
GRACE: So what? You want me to be more aggressive?!
JACK: Yes. Good. Go. Great. Oh! Wait. Your hair. (Jack reaches towards Grace's hair to fix it and she slaps his hand away.) I just-- (Jack reaches again and she slaps his hand away, repeating over and over.)(Cut back to inside Will's apartment. Owen is singing and playing scales on the keyboard when Grace enters.)
OWEN: (Practicing scales) Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi...
GRACE: That's a lovely song.
OWEN: Thanks. It's the English version of the French song "moi moi moi moi moi moi moi." (Grace giggles, then bends down and picks up her tea cup.)
GRACE: Oh! Look at that. My tea's cold. I'm gonna get a refill. (Grace pretends to trip and spills the tea all over her blouse.) Oh! God! Darn! Look at that! I should take this off. It's not good to be wet too long. (Grace pulls open her blouse and quickly closes it.) Oh! What am I doing?! Oh, wait a minute. You don't care. You're gay, right?
OWEN: Oh, right. Right. I'm gay.
GRACE: So you don't mind if I-- (Grace takes off her top.)
OWEN: No, I'm gay. You should definitely take your shirt off. (Grace takes off her shirt and pushes her breasts in Owen's face.)
GRACE: (Re: her bra) It's cute, right? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable.
OWEN: No, no, no. I'm not uncomfortable. I'm gay. We love bras, right? That is a really, really good one. I mean, it is awesome! Uh, I mean, it's, uh, it's fantabulous. (Grace sits down on the couch next to Owen.)
GRACE: Well, if you like that, you're gonna love the jeans. (Grace kicks her lug up onto Owen's lap) Touch 'em. It's ok. You know, 'cause you're gay.
OWEN: Right. I mean, why should you care, you know? Whoop! My hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your, uh... Rockin' ass! Ahh, but who cares, right? Because I'm gay! So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful and throw you down on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right?
GRACE: Yep. Because you're gay, I should be on top. (Grace pushes Owen down on the couch and straddles him and kisses him.) You know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy! And I've kissed a lot of gay guys! (Jack barges in with a camera and takes a picture.)
JACK: Gotcha, you sick straight bastard!
GRACE: Jack, get lost. I'm not done! (Owen stands up and Grace falls to the floor.)
OWEN: Good for you. You got me. But the joke's on you. I'm still gonna be in that chorus, 'cause you don't have any proof.
JACK: Exhibit A. (Jack holds up the camera.)
OWEN: There's no film in that camera.
JACK: What, you think I'd be so stupid not to put film in my own camera? Hello! (Jack opens the back of the camera and pulls the film out)
JACK: Damn you sneaky heteros!
OWEN: That's right. Your word against mine, buddy, but thanks for the help. (To Grace) And thank you for the tea... and A. Well, I really appreciate a woman who knows how to turn it on. (Deeply) Yo! (Owen exits.)
GRACE: Well, Jack, look on the bright side. I'm back. Grace Adler's back! (Grace stands up and grabs her shirt.) And I know a produce guy who's gonna get a nice little flirt right about now. Then I'm gonna come home, watch some gay porn. Happy Valentine's Day to me! (Grace exits.)
SCENE VIII: The Shelter Island Hotel, the bar room
(Karen is sitting at the bar as Beverley makes an announcement on the microphone. Everyone is dressed in formal wear.)
BEVERLEY: Ok, everybody. Hush. hush. Clear the floor. Clear the floor. It's time to end this event with the traditional spotlight dance. Led by our hosts Karen Walker and her husband. Oh, wait, no. He's in the big house.
KAREN: Everything's a big house to you.
BEVERLEY: But she brought somebody else. Oh, wait. no. He's not here either. I guess it's just gonna be Karen Walker. Can we get a spot on this sad little lady?
KAREN: All right, Thumbelina, you got me. I'm all by myself, ok? Everybody happy? Karen Walker is all alone. (Will enters, wearing a tuxedo.)
WILL: Oh, no, she's not. She's got a drink in both hands, probably one in her purse, and she's got me. May I have this dance? (Will shoves Beverley off screen and takes Karen's hand and leads her to the dance floor as slow jazz music plays.)
KAREN: Thanks, honey. Why'd you come back?
WILL: Who else you gonna count on? So they really think I'm a gigolo?
KAREN: Yeah.
WILL: Let's give 'em something to talk about. (Will twirls Karen around, dips her, then kisses her.)
KAREN: Oh, honey! Now I know why Grace married you.
SCENE IX: The NYC Gay and Lesbian Center, Manhattan gay men's chorus rehearsal
(Jack and Owen are singing with the choir. The choral director, piano player and his female assistant are standing by watching. The Choir is singing the Burt Bacharach standard "Wishin' and Hopin'".)
CHOIR: (Singing) Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms, that won't get you into his arms. (While singing, Owen nudges Jack and Jack nudges him back. Owen pushes Jack off the step. Jack hops up in time for his part. Singing) So if you're looking to find love you can share, all you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him and show him that you care.
JACK: (Singing) Show him that you care just for him.
OWEN: (Singing) Do the things he likes to do.
JACK: (Singing) Wear your hair just for him.
OWEN: (Singing) 'Cause you won't get him.
JACK: (Singing) Thinkin' and a-hopin'
OWEN: (Singing) Wishin' and a-prayin'
JACK: (Singing, to Owen) Lyin' and a-cheatin'!
OWEN: (Singing, to Jack) Tubby and a-tone-deaf!
JACK: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take it anymore! This man is straight! (Everyone gasps)
OWEN: You're crazy! I'm as gay as the locker room at the Ice Capades! This is just your pathetic attempt to eliminate the competition. And besides, I think Jack is the straight one. (Everyone gasps)
JACK: I-I-- I have never been accused of something so heinous! (Chuckles) Heinous... How dare you, sir?! You are an impostor! And I have a woman who he made out with who can be here in five minutes... That's right, five minutes, because she has no life!
OWEN: Damn!
JACK: Tell them the truth.
OWEN: Ok. I'm straight.
EVERYONE: (Groaning) Ohh.
OWEN: And it was wrong of me to deceive you guys. It's just that-- I love to sing. I love to sing choral music. It makes me feel like I'm... Being gently chucked under the chin by God. But there's no room for a straight man in that world.
OWEN: You don't know how hard it is for me to fit in. The looks, the murmurs behind my back. I mean, I know what they're saying-- "Ooh, he likes girls." So I tried to pass as gay. It was wrong. I'm sorry. All I wanted was to sing and be accepted. And maybe dance a little, too.
JACK: Cry all you want, straightie. This is the gay men's chorus. Who cares about choral music? We just want to go to Europe and shower together. And you can't come. (Mocking mumble) mi-mi mi mi.
DIRECTOR: Yes, he can.
JACK: Confuse me?
DIRECTOR: We here at the chorus have a policy of tolerance. We used to have a policy of openness, but that got too many giggles. (To Jack) You should be ashamed of yourself! (To Owen) Congratulations, Owen. You're going to Europe! Don't change your hair. And we're sharing a room. (The director and his assistant exit, followed by most of the choir.)
JACK: (To Owen) You know... You may have won, but I still have my dignity. I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am. What do you have?
OWEN: I have a free trip to Europe, a huge per diem, and a chance to sing in all the best venues in the world. And a winning smile. (Owen flashes a smile.)
JACK: Perhaps. But I still get to sleep with men.
