SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will enters, browsing through his mail. As he walks through the living room, he notices that Jack and Karen are bent over Grace's bedroom door, listening.)
WILL: What are you doing?
JACK: Shh!
KAREN: Shh!
JACK: We are trying to listen to Grace and Nathan have sex! It's kinda difficult with you yammering on.
KAREN: Rude! (Will rolls up his magazine and swats Jack and Karen on the behind.)
WILL: Outta there! Go on! Beat it!
JACK: (Excited) Ooh!
KAREN: (Excited) Ooh! I like that.
WILL: What's the matter with you? You can't spy on people when they're mating. This isn't Animal Planet. God! You people are so unethical!
KAREN: You're the one who's unethical, Will.
WILL: Oh, I'm unethical.
JACK: Thank you. At least you admit it.
WILL: I'm not admitting it. I'm being incredulous.
JACK: Isn't that just another word for unethical?
WILL: Look, spying on Grace and Nathan while they're in flagrante...heterosis. That's unethical. It's like lying or stealing. (Beat) It's like wearing a brown belt with black shoes.
KAREN: Now you've gone too far!
JACK: I resent that!
KAREN: Listen, there is nothing wrong with us listening to Nathan and Grace have sex. It's a victimless crime. It's like tax evasion or public indecency.
JACK: Yeah, or like when a bartender doesn't notice his tip, you can slide it in front of you and leave it as your own.
KAREN: Oh, great example, honey! You are so quick! Lightning! Whhssshh!
WILL: That's a terrible example!
KAREN: (To Jack) Ooh. I think somebody's just mad because somebody didn't think of it first.
WILL: What am I doing? I'd have better luck explaining ethics to Angelina and Billy Bob.
JACK: Hey! Grace would agree with us. Let's go in and ask her.
WILL: You're not going in there!
KAREN: Oh, why not? It's not like there's anything that interesting going on. (Jack and Karen walk towards Grace's bedroom and Will swats at them with the magazine.)
WILL: Get out! Go on, beat it!
KAREN: Ooh!
JACK: Hey! Hey!
(Cut to Grace's bedroom. Grace and Nathan are under the covers moaning...)
NATHAN: Sweetie!
GRACE: Oh, baby!
NATHAN: Oh, Grace! Marry me! (Grace sits up, popping out of the covers.)
GRACE: What? (Grace wraps a sheet around herself and runs out of the bedroom. Nathan wraps up in the comforter and follows her into the living room.)
NATHAN: Grace. Grace, wait.
GRACE: I cannot believe that you just did that. Do you have any idea how inappropriate that was?
JACK: Grace, it's supposed to be inappropriate. That's why they call it "sex."
WILL: What's--what's going on?
NATHAN: I asked Grace to marry me.
WILL: You-- Oh, my god!
KAREN: Oh, tell us everything! How did he do it? Did he get down on one knee?
GRACE: Stop. Stop. No one is marrying anyone.
NATHAN: She's just a little thrown 'cause I asked her while we were having sex.
KAREN: Tell us everything! How did she do it? Did she get down on one knee?
GRACE: Ok, out! Out! Everyone out!
WILL: (To Jack and Karen) Go to your own apartment, please. We'll have a little privacy. (Will escorts Karen and Jack out.)
WILL: Ha. Jeez. Those guys. It's like they don't have their own lives.
GRACE: Get out!
WILL: All right! (Will exits)
GRACE: (To Nathan) I can't believe you did that...like that, while we were doing that.
NATHAN: Why? Was it not a happy time for both of us?
GRACE: It was a happy time for you. It was on the way to a happy time for me. Just blurting it out like that... I mean, did you even mean it?
NATHAN: Sure. Why not?
GRACE: That's not an answer. That's what you say to the free sample lady when she asks, "do you wanna try bacon in a tube?"
NATHAN: Come on, Grace. Sue a guy for being spontaneous.
GRACE: Nathan, there is a difference between being spontaneous and turning a marriage proposal into a Penthouse letter.
NATHAN: I don't even know what that means. Ok, I do know what that means, but rest assured, I would never use your real name.
GRACE: Look, it's just not how I ever imagined being proposed to, ok? I'm supposed to be holding a bouquet of wildflowers, not my own ankles!
NATHAN: Ok. I get it. I'm sorry. I... Just we've never been big on proposals in my family. When my dad asked my mom, it wasn't so much, "Will you marry me," as... (Gruff Southern accent) "Well, I guess now we gotta get married." Anyway, now that it's out there, uh... huh... you wanna?
GRACE: I'm not ready to answer that question.
NATHAN: So no.
GRACE: No...
NATHAN: No. Yes?
GRACE: Yes.
NATHAN: Not now?
GRACE: No. Yes!
NATHAN: No?
GRACE: No. Yes. I don't know! Just take it back. Could you just take the question off the table?
NATHAN: Fine. I take it back.
GRACE: Thank you. We'll just pretend like it never happened.
NATHAN: I understand. So it's off the table.
GRACE: Right. Never happened.
NATHAN: What never happened?
KAREN AND JACK: (From the hallway) The proposal!
SCENE II: A restaurant
(Grace and Nathan are eating an awkward dinner.)
NATHAN: Look, we haven't been talking much, so, uh...
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna talk about that.
NATHAN: Talk about what?
GRACE: The thing we said we weren't gonna talk about.
NATHAN: I wasn't gonna talk about that.
GRACE: Oh. what were you gonna talk about?
NATHAN: I lied. I was gonna talk about that. But now I won't.
GRACE: Good. 'Cause there are plenty of other things for us to talk about.
SCENE III: Will's apartment building
(Grace gets off the elevator as Will, Jack, and Karen exit Will's apartment into the hallway.)
GRACE: (Groans) Ugh... I just had another uncomfortable evening with Nathan. It's just-- It's horrible. I mean, ever since he proposed there's been nothing but weirdness, but he should not have asked me like that, right?!
WILL: (Simultaneously) No.
KAREN: (Simultaneously) Of course not!
JACK: (Simultaneously) No.
GRACE: The fact is, there's a right way and a wrong way to propose to someone, and that was the wrong way. I did the right thing.
WILL: (Simultaneously) Totally.
KAREN: (Simultaneously) Of course you did!
JACK: (Simultaneously) Totally.
GRACE: Oh, my God, I did the wrong thing.
WILL: (Simultaneously) Totally.
KAREN: (Simultaneously) Of course you did.
JACK: (Simultaneously) Totally.
GRACE: I have made a complete mess out of a really great thing! What am I gonna do?
JACK: I don't know.
KAREN: What should she do?
GRACE: Come on, give me something! I need some help here! (Jack and Karen hop and run into Jack's apartment. Will and Grace move into Will's apartment.)
GRACE: Will, what should I do?
WILL: Grace, what if he asked you the right way?
GRACE: What?
WILL: What if he had asked you the right way. Would you have said yes?
GRACE: I don't know. I... I... I think I would have. (Beat) Whoa.
WILL: So that's great.
GRACE: Yeah, it is. No, it's not! I made him take it off the table. Now he's never gonna ask me again.
WILL: So, ask him.
GRACE: No, no. No. That's not the way it's supposed to happen. I want him to ask me.
WILL: Grace, in the real world, women ask men all the time. Rhoda asked Joe.
GRACE: No, she didn't.
WILL: Yes, she did. She kept waiting for him to pop the question, and when he finally did, it was, "Do you wanna live together?" So she looked him right in the eye and said, (Imitating Rhoda) "Ok, Joe. I wanna be married."
GRACE: Wow. You will use any excuse to do a Rhoda impression.
WILL: Grace, you love him. You wanna marry him. So ask him.
GRACE: You're right. I should. I will! I'm gonna ask him. I mean, it makes total sense. I was the one who was gonna end up paying for the ring anyway. Oh, my God! This is so exciting!
WILL: I know! (As Rhoda) I gotta call my sister Brenda and tell her the news.
SCENE IV: Will's apartment
(Later. Grace is talking on the phone with her mother.)
GRACE: (On the phone) No, no, no, mom, I'm just saying I wanna make sure you and dad are gonna be home tonight, 'cause I may call later with some big news. Ok, how does your mind go to colitis? Ok, just stay home. Ok. Ok, bye. (Grace hangs up. Jack enters carrying a grocery bag.)
JACK: Whoo! The market was just nuts! All these people yelling at me, holding up their little numbers. (Whining) "It's not your turn! I been standing here an hour!" I am sorry, but homo don't play that. Is Nathan here yet?
GRACE: No, no. Will took him out for a drink to give me more time to get ready. So...how do I look? Would you say yes if I asked you to marry me? Pretend you're straight.
JACK: Grace, I cannot pretend I'm straight. I did that all through preschool. I'm not about to go back. But you look beautiful.
GRACE: Thank you.
JACK: What about the hair?
GRACE: What? What about the hair?
JACK: No, mine.
GRACE: Beautiful.
JACK: Thank you. I know. (Grace begins unbagging the groceries.)
GRACE: Hey, good job! Great, perfect proposal food. Non-breathy, non-chewy, non-gassy! Hey, any change?
JACK: Lots. But I went ahead and bought myself a little something special. (Jack pulls out an apron that says "Kiss The Cook" and wraps it around his waist.) You like?
GRACE: (Reading the apron) "Kiss the cook."
JACK: What? Cook?! That's an "O"?! That doesn't make any sense! Who goes on a date hoping somebody will kiss their cook? (Jack tosses the apron on the table. knocks on the door)
GRACE: Just a minute!
KAREN: (From the hallway) Hurry up! I'm in a bad neighborhood, and I just used the last of my pepper spray on a pushy Jehovah's Witness! (Grace lets Karen in.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so excited for you. Are you nervous?
GRACE: A little. Are you loaded?
KAREN: A little. (To Jack) Hey, poodle.
JACK: Hey! Isn't this exciting? Grace is gonna ask a boy to marry her.
KAREN: Oh, you never forget your first marriage. It's the most important one, you know. It's when you establish your quote.
KAREN: Oh, before I forget, I, uh... just wanted to give you a little extra sparkle. (Karen opens her purse and pulls out a diamond necklace. Grace gasps) Yeah. I had to Heimlich it out of Rosario's stomach right before I came over here. Turn around. (Grace gasps as Karen puts the necklace around her neck, then pulls out a diamond bracelet and diamond earrings.)
GRACE: Oh...my God! I'm-- I'm speechless! I don't know what to say! I'd say something if I weren't so speechless, but I'm speechless, and so I don't know what to say!
KAREN: Oh, zip it! It's a loan! Now listen to me. You got 250 on each ear, 500 G's on the wrist and a cold seven on the chest. It would take you, your mom, and your grandma an entire lifetime of turning tricks at the Plaza to get even halfway there. You lose even one, and you're dead!
GRACE: Karen, you are so sweet. (Karen notices that Jack is pouting.)
KAREN: Oh, Jackie! I didn't forget about you. Here's a little something shiny for you to play with for an hour. (Karen tosses a jewel to Jack) Wheee!
JACK: A beautiful broach and an hour to play with it? What more could a man want?! (Jack runs off to Will's bedroom. Grace is admiring the jewelry in the mirror.)
GRACE: Wow. Whoever said money can't buy you happiness never had this mother around their neck.
KAREN: Aww, look at you. (Emotionally) My little girl's gonna get married.
GRACE: Karen, what's wrong?
KAREN: (Choking back tears) Nothing.
GRACE: Are you--
KAREN: (Shaking her head) Mm!
GRACE: Is that--
KAREN: Oh, pfft!
GRACE: You're crying!
KAREN: You're crazy! (Crying) Now get back to your desk! We've got a lot of work to do! (Karen runs into the bathroom)
SCENE V: The tight end bar
(Nathan and Will are getting a beer.)
NATHAN: When you told me we were going to a bar called The Tight End, I just assumed you were talking about a sports bar.
WILL: So it's a gay bar. What's the big deal? It's no different than the bars you go to. (A waiter passes by Nathan and Will with a tray of drinks.)
WAITER: Coming through! Who ordered the penis colossus, hmm?
WILL: (To Nathan) They're actually delicious. So how are you doing? How are you and Grace? You ok?
NATHAN: I don't know. Things have gotten kind of funky since I asked her to marry me. It's like there's this big, ugly thing hanging over everything we do. You used to be that thing. I miss those days, buddy.
WILL: Yeah. good times.
BARTENDER: (Interrupting Will) Hey, sweetheart, this just came from that slice of heaven and hell at the corner table over there for you. (He motions to a guy in the corner who smiles and holds his drink up in a toast to Will.)
WILL: Mmm... (Will smiles back at the guy and holds his shot glass up. Nathan gives Will a dirty look.)
WILL: What?
NATHAN: You're not gonna accept that, are you?
WILL: Why not?
NATHAN: He doesn't know we're not together. How rude!
WILL: Well, what do you want me to do?
NATHAN: I want you to put your arm around me and give him a dirty look.
WILL: (Sighs) All right. (Will puts his arm around Nathan, who leans his head on his shoulder. Will mouths "we're not together" to the guy in the corner and drinks his shot. A guy, Fred, standing behind Nathan and Will knocks his beer bottle over.)
FRED: Oh, my god! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
WILL: Don't worry about it.
FRED: I'm a nervous wreck. I'm about to ask my boyfriend to marry me.
WILL: Oh, yeah? Congratulations!
NATHAN: Wait. Can you do that?
WILL: Yeah. We can do that. Of course we can do that. (To Fred) We can do that, right?
FRED: In Holland.
WILL: (To Nathan) In Holland.
FRED: Oh, my God. There he is. Wish me luck? (Fred runs to his boyfriend who just entered the bar.)
NATHAN: Oh. Good luck.
WILL: Oh, so sweet. A diamond engagement ring. Actually, that's a little too traditional for me.
Yeah. He's just an old-fashioned gay guy popping the question at a bar named after a man's rear.
WILL: There's something almost Victorian about it. (Fred and his fiancé hug and everyone in the bar claps.)
NATHAN: You see, Will, that's the way it's supposed to go. That shoulda been me.
WILL: Well, if your mother had been more clingy and had no boundaries, it might have been.
NATHAN: You know what I mean. That was the real thing. That was so romantic. It was so easy. That's what I want. You know... I gotta go talk to Grace.
WILL: Oh? Oh! Uh, ok. Uh, let's go.
SCENE VI: Will's apartment
(Will quickly enters to tell Grace that Nathan is on the way.)
WILL: Ok, Nathan's right behind me. What's wrong?
GRACE: I can't do it, Will. I cannot ask Nathan to marry me. I can't! Call me a sham. Call me a fraud, but I'm a girl. I'm a pretty girl, and I don't wanna!
WILL: You don't have to.
GRACE: What?
WILL: I just spent an hour with Nathan at The Tight End.
GRACE: Oh, God, if you're gonna tell me he's gay, I'm gonna have a freakin' heart attack!
WILL: Relax. He's gonna ask you.
GRACE: What?
WILL: Yeah. He just got a little freaked out when you shot him down the first time, but he's gonna ask you again.
GRACE: Are you-- Are you sure about this? We took it off the table.
WILL: So let him know it's back on. Drop a few hints. You know how to do that.
GRACE: Ok. Ok. I can do this. No big deal. Will, I'm about to get engaged.
WILL: Again!
GRACE: Why?
WILL: Sorry.
GRACE: Oh, my God! This is so exciting!
WILL: (As Rhoda) Oh, Mar, we've been through so much together.
GRACE: Get outta here! Bye! (Grace pushes Will out the door. Grace fixes her hair and checks her teeth and breath in the mirror. Nathan enters.)
NATHAN: Hey. Wow.
GRACE: Hi.
NATHAN: Look at you. And the place... Whoa. What's goin' on?
GRACE: Uh...nothing. Nothing, I just-- I just thought it'd be nice to have a special dinner with my honey.
NATHAN: Oh. Great. You got any wine?
GRACE: (Solemnly) I do. (Beat)
NATHAN: Well, that's great. Why don't you pour me a glass?
GRACE: Ok. Sit here. (Nathan sits down. Grace gets the bottle of wine and holds it like a bouquet and takes slow steps to the table.)
GRACE: Um... I--I actually need your help with something. Next week, um, I'm having a dinner party, and I need help figuring out the seating. It's gonna be you, me, Will, and our friend Mary. How do you think we should sit?
NATHAN: Ok, how 'bout, uh... Me, you, Will, Mary?
GRACE: Uh... Well, you know, I--I'd kinda like to sit next to Will.
NATHAN: Ok. How 'bout Will, you, me, Mary?
GRACE: No, no. Um... Keep the "Will" and the "you" part, but make sure that Mary and me stay together.
NATHAN: Ok. Will, me, Mary, you.
GRACE: Switch me and you.
NATHAN: Will, you, Mary, me.
GRACE: Yes! Yes, I will! Yes! Yes! (Grace pulls Nathan onto his knees, and kneels down with him.) Ok, Say it again! Say it again!
NATHAN: What the hell is the matter with you?
GRACE: You were supposed to be-- Aw, hell! Will you marry me?!
NATHAN: What?
GRACE: I g--I guess I just-- I think I just had this idea that this was all supposed to go a certain way or that maybe we weren't ready, but what I realized is that the part of me that's been telling me those things is the exact part that you make me feel like I don't want to listen to anymore. You know? Anyway... You are so... not the person I thought I was gonna end up with. And this is so not how I thought this was gonna happen. But here you are... And here I am. And marry me...ok? Let's get married! Ha ha ha! (Out of breath) What?
NATHAN: Look, Grace, you are... incredible, and I love you. I... Just.... Shouldn't this be a lot easier? I mean, if it's meant to be, does it matter how or where I ask you?
GRACE: But I-- Ha ha! I asked you now. It's--
NATHAN: Yeah, but it's too hard, Grace. I don't think it should be this hard. I...I don't want it to be this hard.
GRACE: Wait a minute. Are-- Are you breaking up with me?
NATHAN: Yes.
(Cut to the hallway. Jack and Karen are outside the door, bent over, listening through the door.)
JACK: What's going on?
KAREN: I don't know. I can't hear a thing. (Will steps off the elevator.)
WILL: What are you doing?
JACK: Shh!
KAREN: Rude!
WILL: Get away from there! What's the matter with you people? (Will swats Karen and Jack's behinds into Jack's apartment.)
KAREN: Oh! Ah!
WILL: Am I the only one around here that knows the difference between right and wrong? (Nathan exits Will's apartment. He walks past Will and gets on the elevator.) Hey! Hey! Nathan, congratulations-- (Will enters the apartment. Grace is sitting alone.) What-- What happened? N-Nathan-- (Grace walks over to Will and hugs him and begins to cry.) Oh, sweetie... (Grace cries)
