SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will and Grace are eating breakfast, spreading butter and cream cheese on toast.)
GRACE: Stop.
WILL: What?
GRACE: We said we were gonna go easy on the butter and the cheese, and look at us. Look what we're doing.
WILL: You're right. This is too much. We should blot. (They take their napkins and blot some of the cream cheese off their toast.) Mmm! (Will and Grace take a bite of their toast and then lick the cream cheese off their napkins. Jack enters)
JACK: The most amazing thing is happening in my apartment right now.
WILL: Somebody actually stayed till the morning?
JACK: (Imitating "Family Feud") Show me hateful!
JACK: My son Elliot is on the phone asking a girl out for the very first time ever.
GRACE: Ohh...someone's a proud papa.
JACK: Oh, I remember the first time I asked a girl out. Well, not a girl so much as my cousin Robert.
WILL: I remember calling girls for dates. I was so nervous, you know, that they might... say yes.
ELLIOT: (Entering) Hi.
WILL: Hey!
GRACE: What happened?
JACK: How'd it go?
ELLIOT: Randy Varner already asked her to the dance, so she's going with him.
WILL: Sorry, Elliot.
GRACE: At least you tried.
JACK: That little tartlet!
GRACE: You know, Elliot, if this girl turned you down, it just means that there's an even better girl out there for you, and now you'll find her. You're young enough to buy that, aren't you?
ELLIOT: I'm going to finish my homework.
JACK: Hey. Hey, you know, maybe later, if you're not doing anything, we could do something together, you know?
JACK: Like, um... wave at sailors.
ELLIOT: I think he means baseball.
JACK: Baseball. Sure. Fun. Great. Yeah.
JACK: Poor kid. I can't believe she turned him down.
WILL: Just make sure you do something fun with him that night. Like when I'd stay home from a dance, my mom and I would bake ginger snaps and watch "Little House on the Prairie." God, I was so gay.
GRACE: No. no, no. Don't listen to him. Elliot has to go to that dance. This is a very tender time for him, and if he doesn't bounce back, this sort of disappointment can leave a deep emotional scar.
JACK: What was his name?
GRACE: Alan Finkelman. He took me to my first boy-girl dance. He was so gorgeous, like a Jewish Scott Baio. We had two great dances, and I knew that a slow one was coming, so I ran into the bathroom to reapply my Bonnie Belle Dr. Pepper lipsmacker. And when I came back out, he was dancing with that snooty Sandy Simons. I was heartbroken.
JACK: Mm. tsk tsk. I remember that story. Will and I read it in your diary.
GRACE: You read my diary?
WILL: Hey, I just showed him where it was. He picked the lock with his bobby pin. (Jack pulls a bobby pin from his hair and holds it up, smiling)
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is sitting at her desk when Will quickly enters off the elevator.)
WILL: Karen, my office called and said it was some kind of emergency. What's up?
KAREN: Oh, uh--honey, could you get that paper out of the fax? I got a little jammy-jam.
WILL: Sure. What's the emergency?
KAREN: Uh... (Speaking slowly and mimicking sign language) Paper in the fax, got a little jammy-jam.
WILL: Wh-what-- You-- You called me out of a business lunch to fix your fax?
KAREN: Yeah.
WILL: You do realize it's not my job?
KAREN: (Sighs) I see where you're going. Here you go. (Karen hands Will a tip.)
WILL: Karen, I can't take this, knowing that somewhere a traffic cop is gonna go unbribed. Look... I'm a lawyer, which means that unlike you, I have passed a bar. My job, essentially, is--
KAREN: Honey. Honey, I often ask a lot of people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi. We all pitch in!
WILL: Right... but the difference is that those people live in the palace and serve only the evil queen. Whereas lawyer works not only for her, but for many of the villagers as well. You understand why I don't have time to fix your fax machine?
KAREN: No. Why?
WILL: Let me try to explain this in terms you'll understand. I'm tequila. (Will picks up the small bottles on Karen's desk.)
KAREN: Oh, I'm liking this story better already!
WILL: These are my friends gin, vodka, and scotch. (Scottish accent) Hello, Karen!
KAREN: (Sweetly) Hiya, kids.
WILL: Now. You got an emergency. You want a Bloody Mary. You've poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?
KAREN: What is this crazy talk? I want my vodka!
WILL: Exactly. So from now on, you only call tequila when you have a legal problem.
KAREN: Ok, I get it now. You're comin' in loud and queer!
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen and Jack are discussing Elliot.)
JACK: Karen, who are we gonna get? I mean, this is my son. His date should be stylish, special, beautiful. A non-smoker who loves to laugh.
KAREN: Wait a minute.
JACK: You've got someone special, stylish, beautiful?
KAREN: No. But how about Grace? She's got big feet. And you know what they say about girls with big feet. Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: Ha ha ha ha! (Both stop laughing and think about it for a second.)
KAREN: Well, how about Grace?
GRACE: (Entering) How about Grace what?
JACK: How about Grace be Elliott's date to his school dance tomorrow night? How much fun?
GRACE: Ha ha ha ha ha! Are you kidding me? He's 12. I'm 30-- Not 12.
JACK: Come on, Grace. It's hard enough having me as a dad. I'm a celebrity. And also... I'm gay.
GRACE: (Exaggerated gasp)
JACK: It's been a big week for him, and if I could just make it so he had a really great time at this dance, I'd be... Superdad. Please, Grace?
GRACE: Ohh, I don't know. I mean, I know that it would be very painful to miss your seventh grade dance, but isn't there something else that we could--
JACK: Alan Finkelman.
GRACE: Have him ready at 7:00.
SCENE IV: Will's apartment
(Will is reading his mail. The telephone rings.)
WILL: (Answering the phone) Hello.
KAREN: (Into the phone) Hi, Grace. Could I talk to Will?
WILL: (Into the phone) Karen, this is Will.
KAREN: (Into the phone) Listen, I've got an emergency. You've gotta get over to the manse, tout-de-suite.
WILL: (Into the phone) An emergency, huh? You sure vodka can't handle this?
KAREN: (Into the phone) Oh, it's doin' its part, honey. (Sighs) But I need you, too! The I.N.S. is here. They're taking my Rosario away.
WILL: (Into the phone) Karen, this better not-- Hello? Y-yes, I'm Mrs. Walker's attorney, b-b-but all that paperwork was taken-- I see. Well--uh-- I'll be right there. (Will hangs up.)
SCENE V: The Walker penthouse
(Karen hears the doorbell ring and makes her way down the stairs. There are two maids dusting.)
KAREN: I'm approaching. (The two maids run out of the room. Karen opens the door. It's Will.)
KAREN: Oh, Will. Thank God you're here.
WILL: You've got nothing to worry about. Just 'cause Rosario and Jack are divorced does not mean they can take away her green card.
KAREN: Oh, honey, could you open this for me?
WILL: Sure. where are the I.N.S. guys?
KAREN: Oh, gone. I took care of it.
WILL: What do you mean, you took care of it?
KAREN: Well, all right, you caught me. I just wanted you to open up that jar of olives. Ha ha!
WILL: You what? What-- What-- I talked to an I.N.S. agent.
KAREN: Oh, honey, that was gardener. He used to be on "Dark Shadows." He's good, huh?
WILL: But--but-- Why are you doing this to me?
KAREN: Well... The first time I did it, I did it because I really needed somebody to help me, but this time I just did it for entertainment!
WILL: What happened? Did your cable go out? Did you lose the stick you use to poke bears at the zoo?
KAREN: No, honey, it's right here. (Karen picks up a big stick sitting on the table.)
WILL: Ok. Ok, you-- You've had your little laugh. But this is the last time you are ever gonna trick me into doing anything for you.
KAREN: Ok. Could you get the lights?
WILL: Sure. (Will shuts off the lights as he exits.) Damn it!
SCENE VI: The junior high dance
(Elliot enters with Grace and Jack. Dance music is playing.)
JACK: It's so fes-tive. The crèpe paper and the punch bowl. Boys and girls dancing together. A little hard to get my mind around that last one, but I guess times have changed.
ELLIOT: Are you sure I'm not too dressed up?
JACK: Yeah. You know what would bring it down a notch? Some Hawaiian Punch and a chocolate cigarette.
GRACE: Ok, Elliott, this is the deal. I want you to have fun tonight, so whatever you want is fine with-- Eyes up, young man.
JACK: They didn't have any chocolate cigarettes, but I got you a carrot stick. Just hold it like this. (Jack holds the carrot like a cigarette. A girl, Nancy, walks up to Elliot.)
NANCY: Hi, Elliot.
ELLIOT: Oh. Hey, Nancy. Where's Randy?
NANCY: Oh, he accidentally ate a peanut and his throat closed up.
ELLIOT: Oh. (Nancy stands there for a few moments.)
NANCY: Well... Bye.
ELLIOT: Bye. (Nancy walks away.)
JACK: (To Elliot) That was her!
ELLIOT: Yeah. That's Nancy.
JACK: What are you waiting for? She's alone, she's vulnerable. Go get her.
ELLIOT: Yeah, but--
JACK: No buts! Go get her!
GRACE: Excuse me. I have a very big but.
JACK: Well, you should have worn a long coat. Come on, Elliot, this is your chance.
GRACE: Elliot is here with me. Don't you want to teach your son to honor his commitments?
JACK: Yes, I do, unless someone hotter and younger comes along.
JACK: (To Elliot) Now. Shoo, boy! Score big!
GRACE: No, no, no. You are not going anywhere. You know the rule. You dance with the one who brought ya.
JACK: Do not listen to her. Go out there and make your papa proud.
GRACE: I am not gonna be left alone at another seventh grade dance!
JACK: Well, this isn't about you.
GRACE: Yes, it is! It's always about me! (Gasps) Ooh... Wow. That was not a good color on me, was it?
JACK: No worse than the one you got on, Peggy Sue. Now, we are not here to work out some childhood trauma of yours. We are here to get my kid some tail.
GRACE: You're right. You're absolutely right. Thank you. This reminds me of the time I was eight years old and my cousin-- (Jack points at Grace to shut her up.)
GRACE: Ok, thank you.
ELLIOT: How come you're so weird? It doesn't matter, ok? She's already dancing with somebody else. (Elliot walks off.)
JACK: (To Grace) Nicely done. And to think, I was gonna let him go to second with you. (Jack drags Grace over to the bench against the wall. There are two girls sitting on the bench.)
GRACE: This is so unfair. I feel like I'm being banished.
JACK: That's because you are being banished. Now, you will sit here on the freak bench with the other weirdoes. (To the girls on the bench) No offense, girls. Today's weirdoes are tomorrow's daytime talk show hosts and sensitive singer-songwriters. (Jack walks away.)
GRACE: (To the girls) Don't worry. I know what you guys are going through, and I can promise it's not always gonna be this hard. I'd like to tell you the story of a plucky young girl who went through the hell of adolescence, came out the other side stronger, self-possessed, with a damn good head of hair, if I do say so myself.
GIRL #1: Felicity?
GRACE: No, you weirdo! Me!
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is sitting at her desk, reading a magazine.)
KAREN: Oh! Look at that. Tom and Penelope. Well... someone will buy it. (A women and a man enter: fbi special agents Korn and Pembleton.)
KORN: Mrs. Walker? I'm Agent Korn, and this is Agent Pembleton.
KAREN: Oh, thank god. I've been fighting with my lawyer. Can you open this? (Karen hands Pembleton some nail polish, which he opens and then returns to her.)
PEMBLETON: Mrs. Walker, I don't think you understand. We're from the FBI.
KAREN: Oh. I've been telling Grace she's gonna get arrested one of these days for assault with a deadly wardrobe.
KORN: Ma'am, we're investigating your husband Stanley Walker, and we'd like to ask you a few questions.
KAREN: Stan? My Stan?
(Cut to Will's office. Will is sitting at his desk reading a magazine.)
WILL: Oh, look at that. Tom and Penelope. Well, somebody'll buy it. (The telephone rings)
WILL: (Answering the phone) Will Truman.
(Cut to Grace's office)
KAREN: (Into the phone) Will, it's me. There are two men from the FBI here. Well... one man and a mannish woman. Honey, they're asking me about Stanley. I don't know what to say.
(Cut to Will's office)
WILL: (Into the phone) The FBI, huh? I'll be right over, just as soon as I make a gun out of cheese. (Will hangs up. The telephone rings again. Answering the phone) Hello. And welcome to MoviePhone!
KAREN: (Into the phone) Will, I'm serious! I need--
WILL: (Into the phone) In a planet turned upside down, one woman holds the key to the planet's survival. Charlize Theron is-- (Yelling) Leave me alone! (Will hangs up.)
SCENE VIII: The junior high dance
(Jack and Elliot are near the punch bowl. Grace is still sitting on the freak bench with the two girls.)
JACK: What's the big deal, Elliot? Just ask her to dance.
ELLIOT: I don't want to, ok? She's not my date.
JACK: So you didn't make the kill. That doesn't mean you can't feed on the carcass.
ELLIOT: I can't do it. I was crazy to think she'd even go out with me.
JACK: Why?
ELLIOT: 'Cause I'm a geek, ok? Well, look how good she dances. I can't dance like that. I don't have it in me.
JACK: Not in you? You got me as a parent. That's like saying Chastity Bono can't wear Bob Mackey.
(Cut to the "freak bench." Grace is pouring her heart out to the two girls.)
GRACE: So I guess somehow it got out that I like to French. Anyway, we're on the dance floor, and we're at that part of "Bette Davis Eyes" where Kim Carnes starts to talk, when suddenly his tongue comes at me like the shark in Jaws. By the way, Jaws 3D, Dennis Quaid, no shirt-- worth the rental. So where was I?
GIRL #1: You were about to get dumped.
(Cut to Jack and Elliot on the dance floor.)
JACK: Now, just listen to the music and let it move through you, ok? Now, we'll start with the head...
JACK: And we bop, bop, bop the head, and we bop, bop, bop the head. (Elliot mimics Jack's head move.)
JACK: Good. And now, the shoulders are moving. (Elliot mimics Jack's shoulder move.)
JACK: Very good. Very good. And here come the arms. They don't want to be left out. They're coming out of the barn. Ok.
(Cut to the freak bench.)
GRACE: So, anyway, we're having an ok time. I'm wearin' my good leather, I'm laughing, there's some serious hair-tossing going on. In short, he's getting the green light. When suddenly, this chick breezes by. This town-and-country lockjaw bitch... And he gets up to talk to her for 20 minutes. I mean, what is that?
GIRL #2: My brother once flushed a turtle down the toilet and we had to get it out with a spatula.
GRACE: That's what I'm talking about. Men need to be programmed. (Grace looks around.)
GRACE: Am I the flattest one here?
(Cut to Jack and Elliot.)
JACK: Here we go. ("Pop" BY 'Nsync begins.) Oh, my god. I love this song! (Jack pushes Elliot of the dance floor. Jack dances the exact choreography from 'Nsync's "Pop" video. Cheering and applause from everyone)
SCENE IX: The offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office
(Will is working at his desk. A co-worker, Connie, drops off a folder.)
CONNIE: Here are the Polina files. (Connie hands a folder to Will.)
WILL: Thanks, Connie. Do you want anything else?
CONNIE: I had a dream about you last night. We were on the beach, and you weren't wearing a shirt. Oh, my god, I can't believe I told you that. I'm so embarrassed.
WILL: Connie, you don't have to be embarrassed.
CONNIE: I was breast-feeding you.
WILL: That's embarrassing. (Connie exits and is stopped in the hallway by the two fbi agents, Korn and Pembleton.)
KORN: (To Connie) Excuse me, uh... pardon me. we're looking for Will Truman. (Connie points to Will)
PEMBLETON: Excuse me, Mr. Truman. We're from the FBI. We have a warrant to search the Walker home. Mrs. Walker requests that you be there.
KORN: I'm Agent Korn. This is Agent Pembleton.
WILL: Agent Korn, Agent Pembleton. My name is Agent Poopy Pants.
KORN: Excuse me?
WILL: Did Karen put you up to this? (Korn and Pembleton show Will their FBI badges.)
WILL: Ooh, badges. Get those in cub scouts? I myself will never know the joy of scouting because I like to kiss other boys. What are you, actors? My God, the lengths this woman will go to entertain herself.
KORN: Sir, we're not actors.
WILL: Oh, come on. Sure you are. In fact, I think I saw you in a commercial for, uh, anti-anxiety medicine. You couldn't leave the house? Now you're the life of the party. (Will does a little dance.)
PEMBLETON: Sir, this is serious.
WILL: Yeah, I know, I know. You're "FBI agents." But come on. I mean, would actual feds be this ticklish? (Tickling Pembleton) Blblblblbl! (Pembleton doesn't flinch.)
PEMBLETON: For the last 11 months, we've been conducting an investigation into Stanley Walker's financial affairs.
WILL: (Tickling Pembleton) Blblblbl! (Pembleton doesn't flinch.)
PEMBLETON: We've discovered several discrepancies which have led us to believe-- (Will tickles Pembleton and finds his ticklish spot) Ha ha ha! (Stepping back) Please! (Korn pulls Pembleton behind her.)
KORN: (To Will) Sir, maybe we haven't impressed upon you the gravity of the situation.
WILL: I'm aware of the gravity, Agent Korn. I mean, without gravity, could my pants do this? (Will drops his pants around his ankles.)
WILL: I'm allowed one phone call. You don't mind if I make it with my ass? (Will picks up the receiver and sits on the phone.)
KAREN: (Entering) Will! Will. Stan's been arrested. Oh, for God's sake, put your pants on. You're my lawyer, not my dentist!
WILL: All right, enough is enough. I'm not buying it.
KAREN: Honey, it's all over the news.
WILL: Oh, really? Well, what is-- (Karen turns on the TV.)
TV NEWS: "...Stanley Walker being taken into custody on charges of tax evasion. Federal authorities apprehended Mr. Walker at his home in Manhattan..."
WILL: (To the agents, seriously) If you have any questions for Mrs. Walker, you can address them to me. Her attorney.
SCENE X: The junior high dance
(Jack is sitting with Grace on the freak bench.)
JACK: (Sighs) I screwed up. Who am I kidding? I'm no one's father.
GRACE: Hey. You embarrassed your kid at a school dance. I think that makes you a father. You know, I can remember this one time when my father chaperoned the Winter Sing.
BOTH GIRLS: And he dumped you.
GRACE: No, he didn't dump me. He was my father. Although emotionally he did turn his back on me in college.... I was moving into my freshman dorm and we were going--
JACK: Enough of the stories! Write 'em down! You're killing us!
(Cut to the hallway. Elliot is standing by himself, when Nancy approaches.)
NANCY: Hey.
ELLIOT: Hi.
NANCY: So, was that your dad?
ELLIOT: Sort of.
NANCY: Wow, he got up and danced in front of everyone. You were great.
ELLIOT: Yeah. Thanks.
NANCY: At least he's good. How did he learn to do that?
ELLIOT: I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's gay.
NANCY: He is? One of my moms is gay.
ELLIOT: Really?
NANCY: Yeah, but she's not a good dancer. She built our house, though.
(Cut back to Jack and Grace.)
JACK: I should probably go get Elliott and take him home.
GRACE: Uh, I think you might need to wait. (Elliot is slow-dancing with Nancy.)
JACK: There's my boy. Dancing with a girl.
GRACE: You want to dance with a girl?
JACK: Sure. Do you?
GRACE: Sure. (Grace and Jack begin dancing.)
