SCENE I: Will's apartment, Grace's bedroom
(Will quietly sneaks into Grace's bedroom, where she is asleep in bed.)
WILL: I'm back.
GRACE: Hi... God, I missed you. Ok, get in. (Will crawls into bed with Grace) So how was the trip? How was the guy?
WILL: What can I say? It was hot, it was intense, it was nice, it was comfortable, it was boring, it was irritating, it was over. I couldn't stand him.
GRACE: I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping you would fall in love.
WILL: Oh, I did.
GRACE: Tell me.
WILL: Grace, I found the perfect pair of jeans. I'm serious. They're perfect. They conceal from the world everything which is flawed and evil and show only that which is true and plump.
GRACE: I've spent my entire life looking for a bra that'll do that.
WILL: (Chuckles) How 'bout you? How's Nathan?
GRACE: (Moaning) Mmm... In a word... Bootylicious. Oh, it's so good, and the sex--
WILL: He likes it, doesn't he?
GRACE: He does.
WILL: Even though you're a girl.
GRACE: I know. Crazy, isn't it? And he does this thing-- (Nathan pops out from under the covers, still half asleep.)
NATHAN: Guys, bootylicious is in the room. (Will gets out of the bed.)
SCENE II: Will's apartment
(Nathan exits the bedroom and sees someone in a pink robe bent over looking through the refrigerator.)
NATHAN: Morning, sweetness.
JACK: (Standing up) Hey, precious.
NATHAN: Sorry, I thought you were Grace.
JACK: Well, hold that thought.
NATHAN: Well... Hold that robe closed. So, you don't happen to know where she is?
JACK: Oh, breakfast with her boyfriend Will. Right now, they're probably doing that real cutesy thing where they nibble on a piece of bacon until they meet in the middle. (Mocking Will and Grace) "I missed you. I love you. I missed you, too." (Imitating kissing sounds)
JACK: Anyway, I think that's where they're at.
NATHAN: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to be threatened by her friendship with Will. Well, I think it's great. I've tried to have women friends, but they always end up pregnant. I jest.
JACK: Well, you're a bigger man than I. Of course, I jest, too. Ha ha. (Will and Grace enter the apartment.)
WILL: Well... It's good, but it's not as good the--
GRACE: That place off the Rue de la--
WILL: Yeah, I know. Something about the way they--
GRACE: Yeah, and is the guy still there?
WILL: Oh, the guy that-- (Imitating) Spoke like this? Ha ha! (Snorts)
GRACE: Ha ha ha ha! That was good.
JACK: (To Nathan) I am telling you, Nate, they're joined at the unhip. (Will exits to his bedroom)
GRACE: (To Nathan) Morning, sweetie. Your thoughtful girlfriend brought you a turkey and cheese croissant.
NATHAN: I'm a vegetarian.
GRACE: Which is why your thoughtful girlfriend ate it. (Grace and Nathan kiss.)
JACK: (Disgusted) Oh, oh, yeah, ok, no. What you two do behind closed doors is your business, ok, but flaunting that lifestyle like you're doing right now is just plain ge-ross.
NATHAN: We're not gonna hide who we are, ok? I mean, we date, we're straight, get used to it. (Will exits his bedroom wearing his new French jeans.)
WILL: Well? What do you think?
JACK: Nice. Do they sell men's clothes where you got those?
WILL: You don't know anything. These are fantastic French jeans. And by the way, what happened to "welcome home, Will?"
JACK: Hmm... Welcome home, Will. How 'bout the fact that since you last saw me, I have fathered a 12-year-old boy. Yeah. While you were out of the country discovering the gay jean... I was here raising my son.
JACK: Would it have killed you to acknowledge that the boy exists, or were you too busy high-kicking it with Nicky Kidman at the Moulin Rouge?
WILL: What are you talking about? I sent Elliot French comic books, video games you can't get in the U.S., at least six pounds of chocolate.
JACK: Those were for him?
WILL: Yes. And a t-shirt that said "Paris" on it.
JACK: You mean this? (Jack opens his robe to reveal a way-too-small t-shirt with the Eiffel Tower on it.)
JACK: How inappropriate to buy a 12-year-old boy a belly shirt.
WILL: It would have fit him.
JACK: Well, don't you have the answer for everything, Mr. French. Welcome back. Later on, let's catch a sad movie with a gay undercurrent. (Jack exits the apartment.)
GRACE: I love those jeans.
WILL: Thank you.
GRACE: I wore them to my bat-mitzvah after party.
WILL: These are men's jeans.
NATHAN: Willard, relax. It's a very smart-looking pant. It'll save you having to tell people you're gay. (Nathan picks up his bag and heads for the door.)
NATHAN: Hey, anyway, we better get going. We're gonna be late for yoga.
GRACE: Ooh...
NATHAN: What?
GRACE: Um, I'm sorry. Uh, I sort of promised Will that we were gonna do mannies and peddies this morning. You want to come?
NATHAN: Hm. What's the use? I sit for an hour, and then the second I take my keys out of my purse, my tips are shot to hell. You two have fun, and I'll see you at dinner.
GRACE: Ooh...
NATHAN: What?
GRACE: Um... Well, I was just thinking that since it's Will's first night back, that we should go to the Chinese restaurant that he loves.
WILL: The place with the--
GRACE: No, they closed down. I'm talking about the--
WILL: I love that place.
NATHAN: Ok, so, we're still on for this weekend, right?
GRACE: Ooh...
NATHAN: (Sighs) What?
GRACE: Um, this--this weekend is the big sale at Barney's. Um, Will and I have done it every year since college. I mean, the-- the whole reason Will came back from Europe early is to go to the Barney's sale.
WILL: Grace, you say it that way, you make me sound so queer.
GRACE: How did you want me to say it?
WILL: (Deeply) The Barney's sale.
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is flipping through a magazine when the phone rings.)
KAREN: (Answering the phone) Grace Adler Designs. Oh, hi, Stanley. No, I'm not doing anything. Sure, ok. You want to start now? (Beat) Ok. Yeah, I'm naked. (Beat) Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh, already? Well, good for you! Ok. Great. Ok, sweetie. Well, call me later. Ok. (Karen hangs up as Rosario enters.)
ROSARIO: (Taps Karen's shoulder) Miss Karen.
KAREN: (Jumps) Oh! Oh. You scared the hell out of me. I thought you were the Chupacabra. What are you doing here, anyway?
ROSARIO: Don't you remember what today is?
KAREN: Yeah. It's national Scrub Your Toilet day, and I think you should get home and start celebrating! What do mean, coming here with a--! (Rosario gives Karen an arrangement of flowers.)
KAREN: Oh, are those for me? Oh, honey... They're almost beautiful. (Reading the card) "Thank you for 15 years. Happy anniversary." Oh, Rosie... I can't believe I forgot our anniversary. I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you. Come on. They're having a big sale at Barney's this weekend. Here, take my charge card, go down to the men's department, and buy yourself some new shoes. (Karen holds out the credit card for Rosario.)
ROSARIO: By myself? It's our anniversary. For 15 years, I kept a home for you. I've dragged your gin-soaked ass out of bed. I've given you the breath of life three times.
KAREN: Oh... All right, all right. You don't have to go getting all sentimental on me. I'll go with you. (Rosario smiles.)
JACK: (Entering) And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce my next guest. Celebrating his last day of summer vacation, soon to be seen in the seventh grade. Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome my son, Elliot! (Rosario claps.)
ELLIOT: (Entering) How you folks doing tonight? I love playing the main room. (To Jack) Can we please stop doing this?
JACK: (To Rosario) Hey, Rose hips. I want you to meet someone. This is my biological son, Elliot. Elliot, this is my ex-wife, Rosario.
ROSARIO: Hello, little man. (Rosario shakes Elliot's hand.)
ELLIOT: Hola.
JACK: (To Elliot) Ok, time to go, kiddo. I told your mom you'd be back by 2:00. You ok to get home? You need anything? You need any money?
ELLIOT: No, I'm fine. How 'bout you? You need any money?
JACK: (Laughing) Oh, Elliot. (To Rosario and Karen) He's crazy. (Jack moves Elliot out into the hall)
JACK: Actually, I might want to get a hot dog later on.
ELLIOT: There you go. (Elliot gives Jack two dollars.)
JACK: Ok, um... No, I just need one.
ELLIOT: Take two just in case.
JACK: You're a good son.
ROSARIO: (To Elliot) Come on, mijo. I'll take you to a bus stop. You can ride on the back of my moped. (Rosario exits with Elliot. Jack shuts the door behind them.)
JACK: Karen, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm worried. My hair's never looked better, but am I a good dad? I mean, I want so badly for him to like me, but I can't tell if he does.
KAREN: Well, honey, you know if you want people to like you, you have to buy them things.
JACK: Karen, that is so superficial.
KAREN: Honey, why do you like me?
JACK: What do you think I should get him?
KAREN: Well, school's starting soon. How 'bout a nice flask or a pencil box with a false bottom?
JACK: No... Something he needs. Like back-to-school clothes. I wonder what the kids are wearing these days. Probably not leg warmers and jazz pants, like when I was a kid.
KAREN: Well, hey, I've got an idea. I'm going to the Barney's sale with Rosario this weekend. Why don't you just come along?
JACK: Well... I'll need a little money from the ATM. (Jack pulls his card out of his pocket. Karen sighs. Jack swipes his card down Karen's cleavage.)
KAREN: Denied. (Jack swipes his card down Karen's cleavage.)
KAREN: Denied. (Karen turns around and Jack swipes the card down Karen's behind.)
KAREN: Approved. (Karen pulls some money out of her dress and gives it to Jack.)
NATHAN: (Entering) Hey, where's my best girl?
KAREN: Here I am!
JACK: Here I am!
NATHAN: I meant Grace. I'm supposed to take her to lunch.
KAREN: Your girlfriend's gone. She went to lunch with her husband.
NATHAN: That is ridiculous. I mean, I wake up the other night, and there's a third person in bed with us. Can you imagine that? (Karen and Jack just stare back at Nathan.)
NATHAN: Ok, wrong crowd. I mean, I'm her boyfriend, and she keeps cancelling on me. How would you like it if the person you were seeing kept blowing you off? (Karen and Jack just stare back.)
NATHAN: Again, wrong crowd.
SCENE IV: Will's apartment
(Grace and Nathan are talking in the living room, while Will sits at the table.)
GRACE: Nathan, why are you so upset?
NATHAN: Well... I'm sick of feeling like the third wheel... I... I'm tired of this arrangement...
GRACE: What--what arrangement?
NATHAN: You two... Your whole little thing with the "why" and the "huh" and the "no" but the "yeah" but the "I"... It's enough already...
GRACE: Ok, look, I-- I think I-- I think I know what you're talking about. Nathan, I am so, so sorry. (To Will) Look, we're doing it again. It's just like the time that--
WILL: I know, and if you recall, after Danny, you promised--
GRACE: Well, not so much as a promise--
NATHAN: Stop it! I know Will's your friend, but I'm your boyfriend... And I want a special restaurant with you.
GRACE: Fine.
NATHAN: I want a secret language with you.
GRACE: Fine.
NATHAN: And I want to go to that Barney's sale with you.
WILL AND GRACE: Ooh.
NATHAN: What?
WILL: Have you seen Grace around marked-down cashmere? It's like the-- the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
SCENE V: Barney's department store
(Karen and Rosario are shopping for shoes. Elsewhere, Grace and Nathan are in the women's department; Jack and Elliot are in the boys section; Will is shopping in men's. Rosario is trying on a pair of cowboy boots.)
KAREN: Oh, I like 'em, honey. They really make your apron pop. Happy anniversary. Hey, you, underachiever, wrap 'em up.
ROSARIO: Wait, wait, wait. They're nice... But I think I should go with the Bass Weejuns. You know, preppy's back.
KAREN: For God's sake, make a choice. I've got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!
(Cut to Grace and Nathan in the women's department. Nathan is carrying piles of clothes.)
NATHAN: Grace, it's noon. We've been here since eight A.M. When do we get to take a break?
GRACE: Sweetie, I told you, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Are you staying hydrated? Here, eat a banana. (Grace pulls a banana out of her pants and hands it to Nathan.)
(Cut to Will.)
WOMAN: (To Will) Excuse me. Hi. Did you get those jeans here?
WILL: Oh, actually, I got 'em in France.
WOMAN: Really? They're great. I would love to get a pair.
WILL: Well, they're men's jeans.
WOMAN: Heh heh. Well, if you say so. (She walks off.)
(Cut back to Grace and Nathan.)
GRACE: You and I, we have to stay focused. You know how sharks are eating machines? We are shopping machines. That means all we do is shop and poop, shop and poop. Got it? So, what are we gonna do now?
NATHAN: God, I hope it's shop.
(Cut to Jack and Elliot.)
JACK: Now, feel free to pick out whatever you need for school supplies. Moisturizers, hair gels, body glitter-- All your seventh grade essentials.
ELLIOT: Uh, maybe I should just get some pants.
JACK: Great. Who do you like? Gucci, Pucci, Fiorucci, Stanley Tucci, hootchie cootchie? Ha ha! Nothing's too good for my boy.
ELLIOT: Uh, I kind of like baggy shorts.
JACK: (Jack turns and bites his fist and lets out a high-pitched whine) Ahh... (To Elliot) What else do you like?
ELLIOT: Do they have any hockey jerseys?
JACK: (Jack turns and bites his fist and lets out a high-pitched whine) Ahh... (To himself) Lord, I knew I was brought into this boy's life for a reason. P.S.-- Give me a sign if you think I should get some highlights.
(Cut to Will. There are three women surrounding him.)
WOMAN 2: I'll give you $ 100 for them.
WOMAN 3: 120.
WOMAN 4: 130.
WILL: These are men's pants! They were made for men. You gotta have a Y-chromosome and an appetite for war to even put 'em on.
(Cut to Grace and Nathan. Grace is trying on clothes.)
GRACE: Ok, does this make me look fat?
NATHAN: A little.
GRACE: What? What? Did you really just say that?
NATHAN: Don't you want to look a little fatter?
GRACE: Try again.
NATHAN: Uh... Well, you're very skinny, Grace.
GRACE: Well, Nathan, what are you saying? Am I fat or am I skinny?
NATHAN: Um, I... I'm afraid to go on.
(Cut back to Will.)
WOMAN 2: 150!
WOMAN 3: 155!
WILL: Oh, all right. Look, come here. Come over to the mirror. All of you. You see? Everything about them indicates "men's jeans." The way they ride low on the hip, the thoughtful flare at the shoe, the handmade copper ingots, and look, there's a little secret compartment in here for your thumb or a... a tube of lipstick. Do I hear 160?
(Cut back to Karen and Rosario. Rosario has a different pair of shoes on.)
ROSARIO: No, no... they're a little 'Sex and the City'. Maybe I should look at the boots...
KAREN: What are you talk-- They're fine. They almost make your calves and your ankles look like two separate entities.
ROSARIO: Maybe I should get a coat instead... Or a blouse. You want to get lunch and come back?
KAREN: Oh, for God's sake, just pick something. I have been standing around here all day with these low-end discount-shopping freaks. (A woman in a yellow blouse overhears and looks at Karen.)
KAREN: (To the woman) Oh, not you, honey. You're perfection. But I'd rethink the yellow. It's making you look a little ‘happy bee’. (To Rosario) Now, listen to me. I'm not standing around here for one more minute while you--
ROSARIO: Oh, lady, put a cork in that whine. I'm trying to make a decision.
KAREN: (Suspicious) What is going on with you? You've never had a hard time spending my money before.
ROSARIO: You want the truth?
KAREN: Not if it's long.
ROSARIO: What if I said I didn't want any of these things?
KAREN: I'd say you were crazy.
ROSARIO: What if I said I've just been stalling so I could spend more time with you?..
KAREN: I'd say you were a lesbian.
ROSARIO: What if I said that's all I wanted for our anniversary?
KAREN: I'd say you were a crazy lesbian.
ROSARIO: Well, it's the truth. That's all I wanted.
KAREN: Wh-- You-- You wanted to be with me because you like me? Ok. This is getting a little bit too real. (Fishes the credit card out of her purse and hands it to Rosario.) Here, buy anything you want. I gotta get out of here. I can't breathe. (Karen runs off, past Jack, who is waiting outside a dressing room for Elliot.)
JACK: Karen?
KAREN: (Running off screen) Can't talk-- feeling something.
JACK: (To Elliot, in the dressing room) Elliot, what do you think?
ELLIOT: (Inside the dressing room) I don't know, Jack.
JACK: Well, I do. It's the perfect outfit for the first day at school. So get out here and let me see what it looks like.
ELLIOT: Ok. (Elliot exits the dressing room wearing black leather pants and a blue acid-washed denim shirt.)
JACK: Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!
ELLIOT: Do you really think so?
JACK: Well, yeah, the kids at your school would kill for this look.
ELLIOT: That's what I'm afraid of-- I will be killed.
JACK: What's the matter? Don't you like it?
ELLIOT: I look like Ricky Martin.
JACK: So you do like it. Oh, that's a bad thing.
ELLIOT: I'm sorry.
JACK: Well, that's all right. If you don't like it, we can get something else. Go change.
ELLIOT: Ok. I just think wearing leather pants to P.E. would be a mistake. (Elliot goes back into the dressing room to change his clothes.)
JACK: Then, why did you say you liked it when I picked it out for you?
ELLIOT: (From the dressing room) Well, you seemed so excited about them, and....
JACK: What?
ELLIOT: (From the dressing room) I just wanted you to like me.
JACK: Well, you don't have to get these clothes for me to like you, Elliot. I do like you. We're--we're good. (Elliot exits the dressing room.)
ELLIOT: We are?
JACK: Yeah. You know, besides, I'm your father. I may need a kidney one day. I guess this is where I give you a little hit on the shoulder. (Jack gives Elliot a tap on the shoulder with his fist. Elliot hits Jack back.)
JACK: (Grabbing his shoulder in pain) Ooh. Remind me to teach you how to hit like a girl. Come on, let's go get some clothes somewhere else. Where do you want to go?
ELLIOT: Uh, there's a Target near my house.
JACK: Great, let's go there.
ELLIOT: Yeah, it's right next to the place where my mom gets her highlights. (Jack looks up and mouths "thank you" to God.)
(Cut to Grace and Nathan. Grace is holding up outfits for Nathan to look at.)
GRACE: Ok, is this a powerful madam executive having cocktails at the Mercer Hotel, or is it a P.T.A. mom trying to cover up an affair with the superintendent?
NATHAN: Uh, the other one?
GRACE: What other one?
NATHAN: You know, the whore at the hotel.
GRACE: What?!
NATHAN: I--I don't--I--I'm--
GRACE: Ok, how 'bout this one?
NATHAN: Uh, oh, that's the nice P.T.A. one.
GRACE: No. if anything, this is the whore in the hotel. I mean, I've actually seen whores in hotels wearing this. And if that's the case, why do I want this? Why do I want this?
NATHAN: Well I--
GRACE: I don't know what to do. Would you please help me? Tell me what to do. Help me, help me, help me, help me!
NATHAN: (Cyring) I miss Will!
GRACE: What?!
NATHAN: I want Will back. This is-- This is bad for us. There's no way that we're gonna have sex together after I've helped you pick out dresses for five hours. (Nathan dumps the clothes that he's holding onto Grace.)
NATHAN: Go. Find your friend. Finish each other's sentences. I love you, Gracie, but... I gotta go find a sports bar. (Nathan runs off, leaving Grace piled with clothes. Will walks by, wearing different pants.)
WILL: (To Grace) Oh, hey, I'm not intruding, I'm not intruding-- Where's Nathan?
GRACE: Gone. He cracked under the pressure.
WILL: (Sighs) Poor guy. Making him choose designer clothing, when the only labels he owns say "Nathan" in red marker. (Will grabs some of the clothes from Grace)
GRACE: Will, what do you think of this dress?
WILL: It's fine, Mrs. Fleischman, if you're gonna continue that affair with the superintendent of the school district.
GRACE: I am so glad that you're here. (Grace cries and hugs Will)
SCENE VI: Will's apartment
(Nathan is watching "The Three Stooges" on TV as Will and Grace go through their purchases.)
NATHAN: Oh, I hope it's a Curly. Oh, Shemp. Well, it's still good.
GRACE: You know what I thought I could wear with this?
WILL: Yeah, and I wouldn't.
GRACE: Why not? wouldn't it make me look like--
WILL: Yeah, but in Planet of the Apes, not in Room With a View.
NATHAN: (Laughing) I'm telling you, I love that Moe.
WILL: Love you, too, Nate.
GRACE: He's watching Three Stooges.
WILL: Oh.
GRACE: Ok. Nathan, I want-- I want to go to bed.
NATHAN: (Watching TV) Oh. Ok.
GRACE: Nathan. Hi. Look at me. Hi. I want to go to bed.
NATHAN: Oh, oh, oh. It's my turn. Ok. good night, Will. I'll try to get her back to you in time for "Where in the World is Matt Lauer."
WILL: Thanks, buddy.
