SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is fixing JACK breakfast.)
JACK: So, I'm kinda in a playful mood. Let's go to the batting cages tonight.
WILL: Jack, as much as I'd love to play a rousing game of "guess who's wearing a cup," I can't.
JACK: Mmm.
WILL: I'm busy. I gotta break it off with Paul.
JACK: You two are still dating each other? God, you both have such bad taste.
WILL: I-- He's so needy and desperate, and he's always telling me how gorgeous I am.
JACK: Oh. Yeah. Just brought up a little Eggo there. [COUGHS]
WILL: Last night, at the restaurant, he tried to say "I love you" in sign language. The candle caught his sleeve on fire. I had to throw my margarita on him.
JACK: To put out the fire.
WILL: No, 'cause he said "I love you" in sign language.
JACK: So why are you still going out with him anyway? He a chubby chaser? [JACK POKES WILL'S STOMACH.]
WILL: I'm almost embarrassed to say. It's so ridiculous. He has this amazing dog.
JACK: Oh... His dog. I got ya. I stayed with many a guy because he had a nice, big dog.
WILL: It's so well trained.
JACK: I'm sure it is.
WILL: Totally kissable.
JACK: Aren't they all?
WILL: You do realize I'm talking about an actual dog, don't you?
JACK: I do now.
GRACE: Good morning.
WILL: Morning.
GRACE: [TO JACK] Really, I'm not going to ask you again. Stay out of my underwear drawer. Nothing fits me anymore. [TO WILL] So... How did Paul handle the big shove-off?
WILL: I couldn't do it. Aw, the dog gave me that look and-- and then he started wagging his little tail.
GRACE: You are such a sucker for a little tail.
WILL: I just wish there was some way I could keep the dog and lose the guy.
GRACE: Hey, don't say that. It's bad karma. I mean, I know-- I know you love to play with his dog and pet it and talk baby-talk to it--
JACK: Wait, wait. Let me stop you before you embarrass yourself, ok? He's talking about an actual dog, stupid.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen's nephew, SUMNER, is on the phone taking a message as GRACE enters.)
SUMNER: [INTO PHONE] Very good. I'll make sure that she gets the message. [HANGS UP.]
GRACE: [CAUTIOUS] Hi...
SUMNER: Hi!
GRACE: Wow, is it me, or are you hot in here? [NERVOUS] Oh, ha ha ha ha! Oh, God, I hate myself...
SUMNER: No, that's all right. I thought it was very sweet.
GRACE: Thanks. No, really, who the hell are you?
KAREN: [ENTERING] Oh, sorry about that! There were no towels in the ladies room, so I had to wait till someone came in with a long coat. So I see you two have met.
GRACE: Actually, yes--
SUMNER: Sumner Davis. [SUMNER SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
GRACE: Grace Adler.
KAREN: So, listen, Summy, Stan and I Will pick you up around 7:00 and we'll head on over to Le Chardonnay they have a lamb shank that Stan likes. Although we could probably pour some cream sauce over a boot, and he'd be happy.
SUMNER: All right. See you then. Uh, Grace, it was really nice meeting you.
GRACE: It was nice... You, too.
[SUMNER EXITS.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Whoa-ohh! Wow! That man is so good-looking, he put a hitch in my giddy-up. How do you know him?
KAREN: Oh, he's my nephew.
GRACE: Your nephew? You're an aunt?
KAREN: You know, I do have a family.
GRACE: I know. I just always imagined they lived in pods somewhere in your boiler room... And they only came out at night to race from village to village stealing people's essences.
KAREN: Oh, honey... I don't have a boiler room.
GRACE: Well, wherever that nephew came from, I want him to come back. We really had some heat. We clicked. We sparked. You know what the best part is? The best part is that I know that this one is not gay. Please tell me that I'm right.
KAREN: Yes, you are.
GRACE: Yes!
KAREN: He's not gay.
GRACE: Yes! You see? You see all those years of datin' losers and closeted gay guys and that drag queen and that one masculine-looking girl is not for nothing. I have honed my instincts. And my instincts are telling me that, uh... your nephew is one quality prospect.
KAREN: He's married.
GRACE: Really? He seems gay.
SCENE III: Paul's Apartment
(WILL arrives at PAUL's apartment and knocks on the door. PAUL lets him in. PAUL's dog, PEPPER, is sitting on the couch. PEPPER is a huge, white St. Bernard type dog.)
WILL: Hi, Paul.
PAUL: You look gorgeous.
WILL: Paul, you don't have to keep saying, "you look gorgeous, you look gorgeous."
PAUL: All right. Hello, sexy.
WILL: Gorgeous is fine. We need to talk and-- [TO PEPPER, IN HIS DOGGY VOICE] Hewwo, face! How is my little Pepper? Hmm? Oh, I missed you so much. Yes, I did. Mwah! [TO PAUL] Anyway, the, uh, the reason I came over here was to-- [TO PEPPER/DOGGY VOICE] Did somebody have a bath? Because somebody smells dericious! Yes, it's you. It's you. [MWAH!]
PAUL: Um, I--I took a bath, too. But I'm already sweating. I'm nervous because I have this hot supermodel in my apartment.
WILL: Oh, yeah, right. Back to this. Uh... Paul, the reason I ca-- [PEPPER IS LICKING WILL'S FACE.] What are you doing? Are you trying to use me? Is that what you want me to do?
PAUL: You're so good with him. You guys really have a connection.
WILL: Yeah, Paul, what I'm trying to say--
PAUL: Wait, wait. Wait. I just had a great idea. You know how I'm going to that medical supply convention this weekend?
WILL: Great! I mean, ohh. I mean... Go on.
PAUL: I was going to board Pepper, but now I'm thinking why don't you just take him for the weekend?
WILL: Really? That would be great.
PAUL: So, uh, what is it you want to tell me?
WILL: Oh, uh, pfftt. Nothing. [TO PEPPER/DOGGY VOICE] Hey, so you want to come home with me? Anyone who wants to come home with me, give me a big kiss.
[PAUL BENDS DOWN TO KISS WILL, BUT WILL BLOCKS PAUL'S FACE WITH HIS HAND.]
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is working at the computer. SUMNER knocks on the door and enters.)
SUMNER: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: Sumner, hi. If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with... "day."
SUMNER: Actually, no, I came to see you. I thought you might like to have lunch.
GRACE: Uh, ok, I'm just-- I'm just going to stop you right there, 'cause I don't-- I don't date married men. Well, at least not once I now they're married.
SUMNER: Wait a second. What are you talking about? I'm not married.
GRACE: Yeah. Right. You probably keep your wedding band in your pocket.
SUMNER: Well, no, I don't. You want to check?
GRACE: Kinda. God, Karen totally lied to me. Why would she tell me that you were married--
KAREN: [ENTERING] Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba... What's goin' on here? Sumner, I thought we agreed to meet at the hotel.
SUMNER: Aunt Karen, why did you tell Grace I was married?
KAREN: Oh. You know, there's one little thing you need to know about Grace. She has only a passing acquaintance with the truth, but she's just like this with the polyblends. Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
GRACE: Hey! Hey, I'm not the liar here. You're the liar. [TO SUMNER] She once gave me a breath mint, and I woke up four days later with my clothes on backwards and a sticker of Baltimore on my forehead.
KAREN: [TO SUMNER] Honey, go on down to the limo. Uncle Stan wants to take you out and buy you a souvenir of Manhattan. How do you feel about 12-story buildings?
SUMNER: But Aunt Karen--
KAREN: Oh, go on, you little pisher!
[SUMNER EXITS]
GRACE: Um, excuse me, Karen, we're not done with this. Why did you tell me that Sumner was married?
KAREN: [SIGHS] He's a con artist, Grace. He meets attractive, single women, charms his way into their lives, makes them think they have a future with him, and then, six months later, he's gone, and so is their savings. He even went to jail for it once. [SIGHS]
GRACE: Oh, my God! That's awful. Are we talking a full six months? No. No, no, no, no, no.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment.
(WILL is cooking dog food on the stove while talking on the phone.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Mom, can I call you back tomorrow? Well, I'm cooking dinner for somebody. Well, actually, it's not really for him. I'm doing it for his dog. No, mother, an actual dog! [WILL HANGS UP AND EXITS OUT ONTO THE BALCONY.]
GRACE: [ENTERING] Will?!
GRACE: Will, where are you? You would not believe what Karen-- Wow, what smells so good?
[GRACE TAKES THE SPATULA AND TAKES A BITE OF THE DOG FOOD.]
GRACE: [SING-SONG] Yum!
[WILL ENTERS FROM THE BALCONY AND SEES GRACE EATING THE DOG FOOD.]
GRACE: This is great!
WILL: You just ate that?
GRACE: Yeah! How come you never make this for me?
WILL: Because it's dog food.
GRACE: Needs a little salt.
WILL: So what were you yelling about?
GRACE: First, Karen tells me that I can't go out with her nephew because he's married. Lie. Then she tells me he's an ex-con. Then he calls me, and I end up asking him whether or not the guys in the joint are as hot as they are "Oz."
WILL: Are they?
GRACE: I don't know. He's not an ex-con. That was another lie. So I asked him why is Karen doing this? And he says, "It's because she doesn't want me going out with you." She doesn't think I'm good enough for him.
WILL: He told you that?
GRACE: Well, why else would she stop me from dating him? I mean, can you believe her? I mean, how dare she think that I'm not good enough or classy enough for her family. You know, I gotta be honest. That is damn good dog food.
[GRACE REACHES TO PUT HER FINGER IN THE SKILLET AND WILL SMACKS HER HAND WITH THE SPATULA.]
GRACE: Now, I'm gonna track her down, and I'm gonna rip her a new-- Hold on a second. You are sautéing dog food in my best skillet.
WILL: Yeah, well, mine doesn't heat as evenly.
GRACE: I want you to say that again... And listen to yourself very carefully.
WILL: Mine doesn't heat as evenly.
GRACE: For the purpose of...
WILL: Making a farewell dinner.
GRACE: For...
WILL: A dog. Ok, I get it. Paul's coming home tonight, and this whole thing is going to be over.
GRACE: Ah. By the way, where is the dog?
WILL: Jack took him out for a walk.
GRACE: Why? So you could surprise him with this romantic dinner?
WILL: Heh heh. And a movie.
GRACE: I'm gonna track down Karen. I'm gonna use those little bottles of airline booze as chum.
[GRACE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM.]
[JACK ENTERS WITH A LITTLE BROWN DOG.]
JACK: We had a delightful time. Anyway, gotta run. Tater tot. [JACK SETS THE LITTLE DOG IN THE BOWL ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND TURNS TO EXIT.]
WILL: Wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Who's this?
JACK: That's Pepper. Your lover's dog. His tag said dry clean only, but I washed him in warm.
WILL: Jack!
JACK: It wasn't my fault!
WILL: Oh, no, you lost the dog?!
JACK: What can I say? We were playing fetch, and when I brought back the stick, he was gone.
WILL: Pepper is out there alone?! This-- Augh! Paul is gonna freak!
JACK: Relax. He'll get over it.
WILL: Oh, what, would you get over it if somebody lost your needlepoint pillow with the "Party of Five" cast?
JACK: [STRICKEN GASP AS HE FALLS ONTO THE COUCH] Dear God, what have I done? Ok, the important thing is not to panic. We still have plenty of time to figure something out before Paul gets here.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
JACK: Maybe it's not Paul.
PAUL: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Will, it's Paul!
JACK: Maybe it's another Paul.
PAUL: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Paul Budnik.
JACK: Maybe he forgot about the dog.
PAUL: [THROUGH THE DOOR] I'm here to pick up the dog.
JACK: Maybe he's over you.
PAUL: [THROUGH THE DOOR] I missed you.
JACK: Well, my work here's done.
WILL: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on there, girly girl! You lost that dog, and you are gonna tell him you lost that dog.
JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shift it back. If you tell him you lost the dog, he's gonna be so angry with you, he'll dump you. Yeah. You're guilt-free. No muss, no fuss.
WILL: You are a despicable person. Forget it! You lost the dog. You're gonna tell him so.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR; PAUL IS WAITING.]
PAUL: Hello, gorgeous.
WILL: Paul, I lost your dog.
PAUL: What?! Pepper's gone?
WILL: Gone, gone, gone! And it's all my fault. So just-- Whatever you wanna say to me, whatever you wanna do, let 'er rip, because I deserve it.
PAUL: I want you to hold me till the pain goes away.
[PAUL THROWS HIMSELF INTO WILL'S ARMS. WILL SIGHS AND JACK ROLLS HIS EYES.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL on the phone calling about the missing dog.)
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] But this one's special. He answers to the name of Pepper, and if you put your nose to his belly, it smells like corn chips. Hello? [WILL HANGS UP.]
[JACK ENTERS.]
WILL: Any luck?
JACK: No. I looked everywhere. I really tried to put myself in a dog's position.
WILL: Why should today be any different? Well, this is what I get. I only stayed with Paul because he had that great dog, and now the dog is gone-- I'm stuck with Paul the rest of my life. Grace was right. She said this would come back to bite me in the ass, and it did.
JACK: I don't understand why you just don't break up with him. He'll understand. He's not hot.
WILL: No. No. I made my bed. Now I'm gonna lie in it.
JACK: Yeah, since your next date is the fourth date, you'll be lying in it with Paul.
WILL: On the other hand... Do I really owe him anything? I mean, terrible things happen every day-- Dogs run away, people get sick. I-isn't it worse to continue dating Paul? Doesn't that just compound the offense?
JACK: You know, I'm thinking about veneers.
WILL: I'm breaking it off. For his own good. And for my own good. And the good of all Americans. I love being a lawyer. I can convince myself of anything.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Paul? Hi, it's Will. Listen, I-- [BEAT] Uh-huh. Uh-huh! [BEAT] Ok. Good. We're on the same page. Thank you.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
WILL: [TO JACK] We're going away for the weekend.
SCENE VII: The Opera
(KAREN is sitting in the balcony next to an empty seat. Two other patrons are sitting behind karen, LOIS and BEN. LOIS has placed her fur coat on the empty seat. The opera can be heard in the background.)
KAREN: Honey, be a love and move that filthy goat pelt off my husband's seat. Thank you. It's nice to see you two. The lazy eye is getting better. [WINKS]
LOIS: Mrs. Walker, you're awful.
KAREN: [CHORTLING] Oh, Lois, you have no idea. [KAREN LOOKS THROUGH OPERA GLASSES.]
[CUT TO THE LOBBY. GRACE IS TRYING TO SNEAK IN PAST AN USHERETTE.]
USHERETTE: Ma'am, I'm gonna need to see your ticket.
GRACE: I don't have a ticket.
USHERETTE: Well, then, you can't go in.
GRACE: Look, it's no problem. Just two minutes. Ok?
USHERETTE: Miss, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave. [THE USHERETTE TRIES TO STOP GRACE.]
GRACE: Excuse me. Would you just take your hands off me? It's an opera. How about a little decorum?
[GRACE SHOVES THE USHERETTE ONTO THE FLOOR AND FINDS KAREN IN THE BALCONY.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] We need to talk.
KAREN: What? How'd you know I was here?
GRACE: Rosario. I waved a Hostess berry pie in front of her face, and she sang like bird.
KAREN: That's it! Tomorrow she loses a finger.
GRACE: Look, I talked to Sumner. He's not a scam artist, and he's never been in jail. So can you please tell me why you are doing every--
[GRACE MOVES TO SIT IN THE EMPTY CHAIR, BUT TRIPS AND FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: [STANDING UP] What is Stan doing on the floor?
KAREN: He had a turkey in the limo. He's sleeping it off.
LOIS: Shh!
GRACE: Oh, come on, it's Madame Butterfly. You know how it ends. [GRACE MAKES A KNIFING MOTION] Aah-aah-aah!
GRACE: Look, I put up with a lot of crap from you-- Telling me my chest is on backwards...
[KAREN SNICKERS]
GRACE: That my hair is such a disaster the Red Cross won't give it coffee.
KAREN: What? I never said that. But I might use it. Red Cross! I like it! Ha ha! Red cross!
GRACE: This is different. This hurts. You tell me the truth. You tell me why I can't see Sumner.
KAREN: All right, you wanna know why? I will tell you! He's a hired assassin. He'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya.
GRACE: No, he is not.
KAREN: Ok, he's a woman.
GRACE: Karen!
KAREN: A robot?
GRACE: Stop it! Stop lying and admit it: You don't think I'm good enough for him.
KAREN: What?! Your thong's on too tight!
GRACE: Then why won't you let him see me?
KAREN: I have my reasons!
GRACE: Well, then, tell me!
KAREN: Just drop it!
GRACE: Why, because you think I only sleep with homos?! [ECHOING THROUGHOUT THE THEATRE] Homos! Homos! Homos! Homos!
BEN: [TO KAREN] If you answer her, maybe she'll leave.
GRACE: Tell me.
KAREN: All right. The reason I don't want you to go out with Sumner is because... Because he's not good enough for you.
GRACE: What?
KAREN: Honey, you're special, and Sumner... Well, he's just not. Now, don't get me wrong. He's my nephew, and I love him like a son of a bitch. And I mean that literally. Stan's sister's a bitch. But, you know, there is just no way that he is going to appreciate what a wonderful woman you are. I mean, you're quirky, you're kind. You've got a heart as big as your feet. So come on, let's just drop it and watch the movie.
[KAREN LOOKS THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES, AND SLOWLY TURNS TOWARD GRACE, WHO IS GRINNING EAR TO EAR.]
KAREN: [STARTLED] Ooh! Aah! What?!
GRACE: Nothing. You just... You think I'm special.
KAREN: I do not.
GRACE: You said it.
KAREN: I take it back.
GRACE: You can't take it back. You already said it, and it's out there, and it's never gonna go away.
KAREN: Well, don't let it go to your head. Your hair's already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee! Ah! Ha ha! Ha ha!
[KAREN SHAKES THE HAND OF THE GUY AT THE NEXT BALCONY OVER AND HIGH-FIVES BEN.]
SCENE VIII: Paul's Apartment
(WILL has a bag, waiting for PAUL.)
PAUL: Thanks for going away with me. I just don't think I can stay in the city over the weekend with all these memories of Pepper. I want us to make our own memories, Will.
WILL: Fantastic. Oh, um... I found this under my couch. [WILL PULLS OUT A PLASTIC NEWSPAPER DOGGY TOY.]
PAUL: Pepper's "Gaily Growl."
WILL: Yeah. He loved this. "All the news that's fit to woof." [WILL SQUEEZES THE TOY: SQUEAK-SQUEAK]
[OFF-SCREEN: WOOF!]
WILL: What was that?
PAUL: [MAKES A "BARKING" COUGH] Mold spores. Uh, it'll get better in the country. Let's go.
[WILL SQUEEZES THE TOY AGAIN: SQUEAK-SQUEAK]
[OFF-SCREEN: WOOF!]
PAUL: Ok, let's go! [PAUL GRABS HIS BAG AND TRIES TO EXIT.]
[WILL OPENS THE BEDROOM DOOR AND PEPPER RUNS OUT TO PAUL.]
WILL: Hah!
PAUL: Pepper, you're back! Ohh, you must've climbed up the fire escape and pried open the bedroom window.
WILL: Oh, my God! How did you get him back?!
PAUL: Doggie LoJack. There's a chip in his neck. He's trained to run away.
WILL: I can't believe it. Do you have any idea the hell I went through trying to find this dog? And now you're telling me you were totally scamming me?!
PAUL: Hey, I'm a realist. Pepper gets me a lot of play. He's a hot dog.
WILL: Well... Enjoy your hot dog... 'Cause you'll be gettin' none of mine.
[WILL EXITS.]
