VOTE | 29 fans

#310 : Douze à la dizaine

Will trouve que Grace profite de lui en le laissant tout payer . Il décide donc de ne pas ajouter son nom au cadeau qu’il va offrir au mariage de leurs amis
Jack devient accroc au café et Karen décide de l’aider mais cela ne sera pas si facile.


5 - 1 vote

Titre VO
Three's a Crowd, Six Is a Freak Show

Titre VF
Douze à la dizaine

Première diffusion

Plus de détails

Scénario : Adam Barr

Réalisation : James Burrows

Guests :

  • Jerry Levine (Joe)
  • Tim Bagley (Larry)
  • Jeffrey Patrick Dean (un serveur)
  • Butch Klein (un invité)
  • Wanda-Lee Evans (la juge de paix)
  • Lori Alan (Jean)
  • Jimmy Shaw (l'homme mignon) 

SCENE I: Will's apartment

(A knock on the door sends Grace to see who it is.)
GRACE: Hang on! Hang on. (Grace opens the door. Will is standing there holding the dry cleaning in each hand and in his mouth.)
GRACE: Will, when you came out of the closet, you weren't supposed to take all of your clothes with you.
WILL: Help me! (Grace grabs the clothes from his mouth. Will notices that Grace's blouse is cut all the way to the navel.)
WILL: What are you dressed for? Open-heart surgery?
GRACE: Will, admit it. If you were straight, you'd be all over me.
WILL: Grace, if I was straight, you'd be getting the dry cleaning. So, your, comes to 41 bucks.
GRACE: Oh, thanks. I'll get ya next time.
WILL: You said that last time.
GRACE: But I didn't mean it last time. I mean it this time.
WILL: Hmm. Funny, I believed you last time. I don't believe you this time.
GRACE: Oh--oh, ok, we're supposed to meet Joe and Larry in 15 minutes. We should boogie. Don't dance.
WILL: Don't say boogie.
GRACE: Can you believe it? They're getting married in four days. I love weddings.
WILL: Well, it's not strictly a wedding; it's a same-sex civil union, which affords many of the same rights as a marriage.
GRACE: Right. Where are they going on their honeymoon?
WILL: Well, it's not strictly a honeymoon; it's a same-sex vacation with a lot of the same events as a honeymoon.
JACK: (Entering, speaking very quickly and scattered) Hey, friends, lovers, mothers, and other strangers. You're never going to believe what happened to me. Oh, my gosh! Did you see that? I almost did the half nelson. I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigato Mr. Tomatoes. Huge news! I have met-- Are you ready for this? Mr. Right. Well, Mr. Right-Now, anyway. Ba-da-bum! Good night, folks, I'm here all week. Jack 2000! He works over at the Jumpin' Java. You know that coffee shop on 72nd? And his name is Paul. He is cute with a capital "Q"! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets. And the hotter he gets, the sweatier he gets. And the sweatier he gets-- I forgot where I'm going with this, but the point is... Me likey he, and he likey me. And the best part is-- Shazam-- he gives me free iced coffee every time I go in, which is every hour on the hour. Thank you very much! And occasionally on the half hour! (Sing-song) Bah-da-da-da-da! Blblblbt! (Jack exits)

SCENE II: A restaurant

(Will and Grace are finishing up dinner with Joe and Larry.)
JOE: So I know we've shown you a thousand pictures of our baby, but how cute is Hannah with a pacifier in her mouth?
WILL: Oh, wow! I actually took a similar photo of Jack... But the--the photo place wouldn't develop it.
GRACE: Will, switch with me.
WILL: W-well, we got the same dessert.
GRACE: I know, but it's our thing. We always switch halfway through.
WILL: But you're all the way through!
GRACE: Just switch.
LARRY: You guys are so cute together. (They both laugh) Are we?
WILL: Ha! Yeah, very!
JOE: Well, he's freaking out a little. In four days, he's not allowed to look at another man.
LARRY: Listen, we wanted to ask you guys if you would consider doing a reading together at our ceremony.
GRACE: Oh, my god!
WILL: Oh! Oh, I've got the perfect thing. We did this bit at my parents' 40th anniversary w-with puppets and a boom box. See, they were puppets who rapped. It killed! Do you remember? It killed! But--but a reading's good.
JOE: Well, we want to include everyone, and all our closest friends and family are doing one.
LARRY: Even your bitter sister.
JOE: Larry!
GRACE: Well, of course we'll do it. We'd love to.
WILL: (Making puppet hands) "Yo, yo, yo, this anniversary's phat!" Remember? Ha ha ha! It--I'm telling you, it--it-- Well, whatever you want. (They all laugh. The waiter sets down the check. Grace grabs it.)
GRACE: Uh-uh. Our treat.
LARRY: Grace--
GRACE: No, come on, come on, let us do this. Really, I mean, this is a special occasion. If we can't take our dear friends out for dinner-- Really, it would mean so much to us.
JOE: Thank you, guys.
GRACE: Our pleasure. (Hands the bill to Will) Put it on your Visa.
WILL: Wh--? My Visa?
GRACE: Yeah, we could use the miles. Oh, and I'm taking some cash for the coats. (Grace takes the cash from will's wallet) I didn't get to the ATM. Oh, and leave a big tip. He was really sweet. He's the only guy at this table who looked at my chest.

SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs

(Karen is alone at work when Jack enters.)
KAREN: Hey, Jackie Brown. (Jack runs to the coffee machine. The pot is empty.)
JACK: Why isn't there any coffee?!
KAREN: Same reason you don't have a wife and three kids. It's the way God wants it.
JACK: Damn it, this is an office! There should be coffee! (Jack shakes the empty pot in Karen's face.)
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Why don't you save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs? Why don't you go see your little coffee cutie, huh? Your latte lover. Mr. Jock-full-of-nuts.
JACK: He quit, all right? What is this? The freaking inquisition? Can't a guy have a nice, hot cup of coffee when he wants, or do we all live in "Tea Land" where it's a capital crime to even say the word "coffee"?
KAREN: Ok, jitterbug, get a hold of yourself.
JACK: Don't tell me to get a hold of myself. I'm fine! (Jack opens the coffee maker and takes the used filter and tries to squeeze coffee out of it into his mouth.)
KAREN: Ok, you may wanna take a look in the mirror because you got a little crazy on your face. Ok?
JACK: Oh, my God. Karen, what's happening to me? (Jack falls over and grabs a bolt of fabric.)
KAREN: Well, I'm no expert, but I think you have a little addiction problem. No tears on the damask.
JACK: Addiction? Oh, no. No, no! I don't have an addiction, thank you very much. (Jack grabs Karen's empty coffee cup off her desk and licks the rim and the bottom of the cup.)
KAREN: Ok, ok. (Karen takes the cup away from jack)
JACK: I'm fine, I'm fine.
KAREN: Ok, ok, it's over. Now, listen to me. (Karen gets out a pill.) The first thing you have to do is admit that you have a problem. (Karen swirls the pill in her Martini.) Because if you can't even recognize the signs... (Karen drops the wet pill into her mouth.) Then you are really in sorry shape. (Karen washes down the pill.)Uh Oh, mmm! (To the Martini glass) Why are you so good to me?
JACK: Karen, I can't do it. I'm hooked on the junk.
KAREN: Well, honey, if it'll help you, I'll do it with you, ok? I'll kick coffee, too. Yeah! It won't be easy, but every morning when I wake up, I'll just have to get used to drinking my Bailey's straight. It'll still be the best part of waking up.
JACK: Ok, Karen. Ok. Together we can do this. Let me just have one last cup.
JACK: Half a cup.
JACK: How about you drink a cup and I'll lick your tongue?
KAREN: (Beat) Tempting, but no. Ok, come here. Right here. (Karen pulls Jack to her bosom, putting her arms around him.)
JACK: Oh, Karen, when will the lambs stop screaming?

SCENE IV: Will's apartment

(Grace enters the living room and notices that Will is putting a bow on a kayak.)
GRACE: Hey! Oh! Is this our gift for Joe and Larry?
WILL: It's a gift, yes.
GRACE: What is it?
WILL: It's a crystal decanter. But I couldn't find any paper, so I wrapped it in a kayak. It's a kayak.
GRACE: (Clapping) Oh, that is so perfect! Ok, where's the card? I'll sign it.
WILL: I already signed the card.
GRACE: Oh, you didn't sign for me, did you? Your handwriting has a serial killer's slant.
WILL: I didn't sign your name at all, Grace, because it's from me.
GRACE: I don't get it.
WILL: I'm tired of being the one who pays.
GRACE: What?
WILL: You always assume I'm gonna take care of everything, a-and then you take all the credit, I mean, not to mention the Advantage miles. You know, blowing 20,000 points on a first class to Schenectady. W-what is that anyway? Y-you sit on the pilot's lap?
GRACE: Jeez, sorry. I thought you liked paying.
WILL: Oh, that's right! I do like paying. Yeah, that's why I do the cancan every time I read the gas bill.
GRACE: Ok, you've made your point. How much was the kayak? I'll write you a check for half.
WILL: $ 400.
GRACE: Can I write you a check for a third?
WILL: You see, this is what I'm talking about. And it's not just the kayak. It's the dinners, and the dry cleaning, and on more than one occasion, your bikini wax. Had a fun time explaining that one to my accountant.
GRACE: I cannot believe you are springing this on me an hour before we have to go. How am I supposed to find a gift?
WILL: Hey, it's your own fault for assuming that I would take care of everything. And by the way, you only have five minutes.
GRACE: Fine! You know what? I'm resourceful. I'll make a gift.
WILL: You'll what?
GRACE: Yes, that's right. You've left me absolutely no time, but I once threw together a dinner party for eight with nothing in the fridge but mustard and a roll of film.
WILL: Yeah, and all we have to remember that evening is double prints of eight angry people getting sick eating mustard soup.
GRACE: Never mind. I'll take care of my own gift, and it'll be totally separate from yours. In fact, why stop at the gift? Why don't we make everything separate?
WILL: Why not?
JACK: (Entering) That pint of mocha almond fudge, you still have it?
WILL: The what? (Jack runs to the freezer and pulls out a pint of ice cream.)
JACK: Hello, dark roast, my old friend. (Jack grabs a spoon out of the drawer.)
KAREN: (Running up to the door, panting) Drop that spoon, Billie Holiday! I've kept you caffeine-free for two hours. You're not folding now!
JACK: Get away from me, you lamé and ermine-wearing monster! (Jack picks up a crystal vase) I'll drop it, I swear.
KAREN: No, you won't. You don't have the guts!
JACK: You know me too well. (Jack puts the vase down and runs out of the apartment) Out of my way! I've got a monkey on my back named Juan Valdez! (Karen runs towards the door, gracefully jumping over the kayak.)
KAREN: Don't worry, kids. On the ride up to Vermont, I'll have him in a dog carrier with a chew toy. By the way, what's going on here? I'm sensing a mood.
GRACE: (Sighs) He thinks I'm taking advantage of--
KAREN: Yeah, save it, honey. We'll crack it open later when we're desperate. (Karen runs after Jack)

SCENE V: A rented SUV

(Will is driving Grace, Jack and Karen to Vermont for the ceremony. The kayak is on the roof. Jack is wrapped in a blanket, laying on Karen's shoulder, who is smoking a cigarette.)
JACK: It's so cold. So very, very cold.
KAREN: Yeah, it is kind of nippy in here. (To Will) Hey, pops, why don't you crank up the heat? (Motioning over her chest) The girls are in full salute back here.
WILL: It's up as high as it will go. God, any hotter and my calves'll be brisket.
JACK: (Deliriously to himself) Jack never has a second cup at home. Somebody fill me to the rim with brim. (Grace takes a mint from a package on the dashboard.)
GRACE: (To Will) Oh, oh, I'm sorry. How much for one mint?
WILL: Oh, Grace, just take it.
GRACE: No, no, no, we agreed to split everything, so that's what we're gonna do. These are your mints so tell me--
WILL: Fine. $ 100.
GRACE: Ok. (Grace takes the mint out of her mouth and puts it back. the car runs over a pot hole.)
GRACE: (To Will) Hey, careful! You almost broke my present for Joe and Larry.
WILL: Where did you get that anyway? The Blair Witch gift shop?
GRACE: It's an imprint of my hand in cement surrounded by a nest of twigs. I made it when I was 12 at Camp Rema. It's real, it's unique, and it's from the heart.
KAREN: Aw, can I see that, honey?
GRACE: Mm-hmm. (Grace shows it to Karen, who puts out her cigarette in it.)
KAREN: Hmm. Thanks.
GRACE: Karen! No! (Will laughs)
GRACE: (To Will) What, you think my gift is funny?
WILL: I think it's funny you call it a gift.
JACK: (Delirious) We're here at New York's finest restaurant, and we've replaced Jack's coffee with nothing!
GRACE: Oh, look at that. Two miles to the next toll. That means I owe you $ 1.62.
WILL: Ok, well, look, hey, if we're gonna do that, let's go all the way. Uh, I bought a full tank of gas, you used three of my Kleenexes and two applications of my Carmex. That means you owe me roughly $ 22.57.
GRACE: Do you take a check or should I pay you in pettiness, Mr. Petty? Tom Petty? Petticoat petty? Peppermint petty?
WILL: Bite me!
KAREN: Ohh, just climb on top of each other and get it over with already! Lord.

SCENE VI: The ceremony hall

(Karen and Jack are in the ceremony hall. Karen is looking out the window.)
KAREN: (To Jack) Honey, look, what is that? Oh, it's a beaver. Sweet! Didn't think we'd be seeing any of those at a gay wedding. So how you holding up, sweetie?
JACK: Pretty good, pretty good. I--I think the last couple hours in the car really got me over the hump.
KAREN: Good for you.
JACK: Thanks.
KAREN: (To a waiter) Hey, bow tie. Bring me a cup of vodka. And none of that tax-free swill. I want the good stuff.
WAITER: Uh, ma'am, there is no alcohol.
KAREN: Sure there is.
WAITER: Uh, no, there isn't. This is a dry weeding at the groom's request, but there is a full coffee bar with a variety of coffee drinks and coffee-flavored treats. Enjoy. (Karen and Jack freeze in shock.)
(Cut to Will and Grace, who are standing in the foyer, in front of the gift table.)
GRACE: Would you look at this? What a shame. A table full of hollow gestures. I mean, why would Joe and Larry want a $ 400 place setting of Italian dinnerware?
WILL: (Scoffs) Yeah...
GUEST: (Entering noticing Grace's gift) Oh, my God! That's genius! A gag gift! They're gonna totally crack up. What did you really get them?
GRACE: A $ 400 kayak. (To Will) Put my name on that card or I'll kick your ass.
WILL: No. You have your gift.
GRACE: I can't give them this stupid twig plate. It smells like mouse poop. (Grace throws the plate into the fireplace.) Damn it, Will-- (Joe enters) Hi!
JOE: Hi guys!
GRACE: You look so good! We're so happy for you.
WILL: How's the blushing bride?
JOE: Oh, pretty good, you know, considering we don't know which one of us is the bride.
LARRY: (Entering) Hey, everyone, how are you? Hi. (To Joe) Hey, did you give them the thing?
JOE: It's right--
LARRY: Because we have to be out of here by 11:00 on the dot. And it's getting late and if we don't start soon--
JOE: Larry, baby, we're fine. Just breathe. It's our day.
LARRY: You're right. I'm sorry. (To Will and Grace) I am telling you, if I didn't have this one... (To Joe) Do you still wanna marry me?
JOE: Over and over and over. (Larry exits into the hall) He's definitely the bride. (Joe hands Will an index card) All right, here's the reading, and it's pretty self-explanatory, but you might wanna go over it before we start, which is now. Ok, that's what nervous feels like. (Joe exits into the hall)
WILL: Come on, Grace, we better get our-- (Grace is busy signing her name on a gift card.)
WILL: Grace!
GRACE: Come on, what's the big deal?
WILL: Well, for one thing I don't think that "Joel and Shirley Goodman" are gonna be so keen on having your name on their card. Second of all, I said no.
GRACE: Why are you being such a freak about this?
WILL: I already told you.
GRACE: I told you that I would pay.
WILL: Tough!
WILL: Because I don't want a wife! (Will exits into the hall.)
GRACE: What are you talking about? Wife? And don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you! (Grace exits into the hall as Jack and Karen run into the foyer.)
KAREN: (To Jack, in a panic) Honey, we gotta bust out of here! Maybe I can get Stan to land the heli by the gazebo and airlift us to the Dewar's plant.
JACK: Karen, we have to at least stay for the ceremony.
KAREN: The hell we do! I'm gonna kill Rosario! The one morning she forgets to strap on my boot flask.
JACK: Would you take it easy?
KAREN: Don't tell me to take it easy! I'm looking at a room full of outlet clothing and Fantastic Sam's haircuts! I can't breathe, I tell you, I can't breathe!
JACK: Would you get a hold of yourself? (Jack goes to slap Karen, but she blocks it. Jack tries the other hand, she blocks it again.)
JACK AND KAREN: (Both) Unh! (Both drop their arms.)
WAITER: Would either of you care for a cup coffee?
JACK: Yes!
KAREN: No! (Karen trips Jack and he falls to the floor.)
(Cut to Grace and Will, who have taken their seats.)
GRACE: I'm your wife? That is possibly the most vicious thing you have ever said to me. And I'm including the time I got a root perm and you called me pubic head. (Karen pulls Jack back into the foyer by his leg.)
KAREN: Get a grip on yourself!
JACK: You get a grip on yourself! (Karen tries to slap Jack, but he blocks it. she tries the other hand, he blocks it.)
KAREN: Whoo! Hyah!
JACK AND KAREN: Ugh! (Both drop their arms. Beat. Jack slaps Karen across the face, she slaps him back, He slaps her, and she slaps him. Jack and Karen gasp. Beat. Karen slaps him jack, he slaps her back.)
JACK: Look, the only way we're gonna get through this is if we support each other, all right?
KAREN: Maybe you're right. I guess we can get our minds off of things by touching each other inappropriately.
JACK: Good idea. (Jack places his hand on Karen's butt as they enter the hall and take their seats. a harp plays "here comes the bride" as Joe and Larry make their way up the aisle.)
WILL: (Sotto to Grace) You might as well be my wife.
GRACE: What? "Marcus Welby's my wife"?
WILL: No! You might as well be my wife, deaf-o.
GRACE: I can't hear anything over that farkhakhte harp. (Joe and Larry have reached the altar, and stand in front of the justice of the peace.)
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: What a wonderful day, and what a wonderful couple.
WILL: It's always "Will and Grace." Will and Grace buy the present. Will and Grace do the speech. "We cordially invite Will and Grace." why don't they ever say "Will and guest"?
GRACE: Well, who did you want to bring?
WILL: I don't know! One of the Gap dancers, Aquaman, anyone!
GRACE: Well, who's stopping you?
WILL: You are! Because you're so content to play Mrs. Will Truman. I want a husband. I want someone who loves me, a-and a family. I want this, not this!
GRACE: I do not know where you got the idea that I am your wife, but let me tell you something, if that's true, we've got big martial problems because Mrs. Truman's getting a lot of action on the side.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: And now I' like to call upon your friends here who have some words they'd like to share with you. Jack?
JACK: (Stands up) Hi, I'm Jack, and I'm addicted to full-flavored iced coffee drinks. Whew! It does feel better to get it out.
KAREN: No, zippy, read your thing!
JACK: Joe, Larry, I did a little rewrite. I hope you don't mind. Ahem. (Reading an index card) Joe, Larry, what's love... S'got to do, s'got to do with it? What's love--
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Thank you. Now we'll hear from Joe's sister Jean.
JEAN: (Stands up) I am so happy for my brother. Everyone thought I'd be the first to find a man, but, no, that didn't happen. But he has found true-- (Sniffs) Heh! Just give me a second. (Sobbing) Ok....
WILL: (Sotto to Grace) I don't have to explain this to you, ok? I just know this is not working.
GRACE: Ok, got it. You've made yourself passive-aggressively clear. Call in the lawyers. We're getting a divorce.
WILL: Which I'm sure I'll pay for.
GRACE: Let it go!
JOE: Guys? (Will and Grace realize that everyone is waiting for them.)
WILL: Oh! Ahem! (Reading the card) When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me...
GRACE: (Reading) And I have no love to give...
WILL: (Reading) When I'm feeling separated from the world...
GRACE: (Reading) And cut off from myself...
WILL: (Reading) When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing...
GRACE: (Reading) Because I'm not getting what I want... I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me.
WILL: (Reading) And I'll see it in you.
GRACE: (Reading) I'll remember that I am complete within myself...
WILL: (Reading) So I'll never have to look to you to complete me.
WILL AND GRACE: (Reading together) And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have, and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it.
WILL: (To Grace) Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
GRACE: Me, too.
WILL: I love you. You know that, right?
GRACE: I know. (Joe and Larry glance nervously at each other.)
WILL: Don't you?
GRACE: I do. And you know I love you, right?
WILL: I do. (Will and Grace kiss and hug. Everyone claps. Will and Grace hold hands and walk down the aisle.)
GRACE: Thanks for coming!
JOE: Guys? Hey, guys! Guys! We're not really done here. (Embarassed, Will and Grace quickly sit back down.)(Cut to later. Joe and Larry are opening gifts. Will and Grace are sharing a piece of cake in the corner.)
JOE: Oh!
LARRY: Oh, they're beautiful. Thank you, Maggie.
WILL: (To Grace) What do you think of the cake?
GRACE: Are you kidding? It's got nine layers of chocolate and a Snickers bar in the middle. I may move into it. So are we--
WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. It's just... Chalk it up to my pre-mid-life crisis.
GRACE: Does that mean another one's on the way? And is it going to be worse?
WILL: I guess weddings just bring out the worst in me. I mean, I see them so happy and in love and it just... Makes me bitter. Is that an awful thing to say?
GRACE: I wouldn't put it in your toast later. You know that someday you are gonna make someone a beautiful bride or husband. Or brusband. Whatever.
WILL: Promise you'll give me away?
GRACE: Gladly.
LARRY: "To Joe and Larry, love, Will and Grace."
LARRY AND JOE: (To Will and Grace) Thank you!
GRACE: I knew you'd love it!
(Cut to later. Joe's sister Jean is drinking out of a metal flask. Karen is standing by holding out a cup.)
JEAN: (To Karen) I mean, he's my younger brother. I should be the one wearing white today. (Jean pours some into Karen's cup.)
KAREN: Or at the very least deodorant. (Karen walks over to Jack.)
KAREN: Guess what? Rule number one at a wedding-- Find a sad sister, you found the booze.
JACK: Well, I myself am proud to say that I'm not going to indulge. I've finally kicked my coffee habit.
KAREN: Really?
JACK: Yeah, I mean, I got hooked on the stuff because of some guy. Now I know I'm not going to let any man lead me down that dirty road again.
MAN: (To Jack) Excuse me, do you have a light?
JACK: Uh, yes, I do. (Jack lights his cigarette.)
MAN: Thanks. You smoke?
JACK: Yes, I do. (Jack takes a cigarette.)

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