SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Jack is showing Will his new shirt, blue with ruffles.)
JACK: Will, what do you think? Too gay?
WILL: Yeah, definitely. But the shirt's good.
JACK: Ha ha ha. Hold on, I got a cramp from not laughing. It's for my show.
WILL: What show? Oh. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theater, the tragic return of... (Imitating Jack) Just Jack!
JACK: (Sputtering) Just Jack is dead to me. I'm sick of people coming up to me on the street going, "yuk yak".
WILL: That's... (Imitating Jack) just your mom.
JACK: And Rory. Anyway. I'm going a whole new way. My new show is called Jack 2000.
WILL: God, you're a chameleon. You're like Madonna.... without the corsets and the talent. Just give me some fliers. I'll pass them out at work.
JACK: What's this? Unsolicited generosity? Jack confused.
WILL: Well, I'm in a good mood, 'cause, um, something happened. And I am telling you this, Jack McFarland, in confidence.
JACK: Oh, my God. This must be really good. Miss Hathaway, hold my calls.
WILL: You know the souvlaki vendor at the corner of 72nd and Central Park West? Really cute?
JACK: Yeah. He is kind of... (Gasps) No, you didn't?
WILL: I did.
JACK: But he doesn't speak a word of English.
WILL: I know.
JACK: That is so hot. Tell me what happened, quickly. Where did you go?
WILL: Well, first we returned his cart. Then we went for a long walk and ended up making out in the doorway of the Republican Party headquarters.
JACK: Oh, my God! You're my new hero. If you didn't smell like shaved lamb, I'd hug ya.
GRACE: Hey. (To Jack) Ho ho ho. Man, do you look queer.
JACK: I wouldn't joke, Grace. It's your shirt.
WILL: So how was your date with Ben?
GRACE: Amazing. We had this fantastic dinner at B.J., then we took one of those hansom cab rides around central park. It was so romantic, it didn't even bother me that the horse's tail kept hitting me in the mouth. Then he walked me home. It started to rain. It was like a movie. It was a perfect evening.
WILL: And now you're breaking up with him.
GRACE: Now I'm breaking up with him.
WILL: What happened? You know, yesterday you were adding milk to your mochaccino to show me what pretty colors your kids would be.
GRACE: I'm not in love with him. Sure, he's perfect on paper he's mature. He's romantic. All the smells work. He's not prettier than, me. But the relationship just isn't going anywhere.
WILL: Grace, I really--I think you should give this another week.
GRACE: Well, why? I mean, what happens if during that week, I miss out on the chance of finding the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with?
WILL: Even so, one more week? Ha ha...ahem.
GRACE: What're you getting out of this?
WILL: Nothing. Why would I ge-- Um, uh, Ben promised me a Herman Miller chair for my office.
GRACE: You're selling my ass so that yours can be comfortable?
WILL: And my back. It's--it's really quite a chair, Grace.
GRACE: No.
WILL: It's a Herman Miller.
GRACE: No.
WILL: It's very expensive.
GRACE: No.
WILL: It's got 198 positions.
GRACE: So did Ben and I, but I'm still breaking up with him.
SCENE II: The offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office
(Will is playing with his new chair.)
WILL: Oh! Oh, oh, . I object! You're out of order! (The chair sinks down; Will's head is just above the desktop. Grace enters.)
WILL: (Cartoon voice) No, you're out of order. This whole court is out of order.
GRACE: I assume in this case, you represent the Lollipop Guild?
WILL: Huh? It arrived a day early. So you can break up with Ben now. You have my full lumbar support.
GRACE: Don't worry. I'm going to do it today. I even practiced on the cabdriver on the way over. There was some tears, but Furuz Mahkbhubi and I agreed to stay friends.
WILL: Uh-huh. Look what the arms do. Huh?
BEN: (Entering) There she is. My gorgeous girl.
WILL: Come on, Ben, not in front of Grace.
BEN: (To Grace) Hey, baby.
WILL: Obviously you two have things to talk about. It's ok. I've got some serious work to do. (Like a roadrunner) Meep, meep. Meep, meep. (Will scoots out of the office on his chair.)
BEN: We got to get him a guy.
GRACE: Ben, I need to talk to you about something.
BEN: What?
GRACE: Look... I've given this a lot of thought, and, well, we both know that this has sort of played itself out, and I care about you so much, but I really think it would be best if we stop seeing each other.
BEN: No.
GRACE: Excuse me?
BEN: No. I don't accept that.
GRACE: Well, I don't know if it's a matter of you accepting it or not. I mean, I do want to explain my feelings--
BEN: No need. We're fine.
GRACE: No we're not. I'm here to break up with you, and my mind is made up.
BEN: No, it isn't.
GRACE: Yes, it is.
BEN: No, it isn't.
GRACE: Yes, it is.
BEN: No, it isn't.
GRACE: Yes, it is! Ben, I--I really, really want to break up with you.
BEN: That's not what you want.
GRACE: Oh, but it is.
BEN: No, it's not.
GRACE: Stop saying that! Just saying the opposite of what I'm saying is not a legitimate argument.
BEN: Yes, it is. I'll pick you up at 8:00. (Ben exits)
GRACE: No, you won't.
BEN: (Off screen) Yes, I will.
GRACE: God, this went so much better with Furuz Mahkbhubi.
SCENE III: Downtown at The Duplex
(The premiere of Jack 2000. Will, Karen, and several audience members are watching the show.)
JACK: I feel the earth, ouch, move, wow, under my feet, I feel the sky tumblin' down, tumblin' down, tumblin'-- hi! Welcome to Jack, 2000. And now in the tradition of Natalie and Nat King Cole, I'd like to sing a duet with a beautiful young man who's been such a huge inspiration to me. (A video screen lights up and Jack appears on the screen.)
VIDEO JACK: Mock
JACK: Yeah!
VIDEO JACK: Ing
JACK: Yeah!
VIDEO JACK: Bird
JACK: Yeah!
VIDEO JACK: Yeah!
JACK: Yeah
JACK AND VIDEO JACK: Mockingbird! Now--
JACK: (Singing) Everybody, have you heard?
VIDEO JACK: (Singing) Have you heard?
JACK: (Singing) He's going to buy me a mockingbird
VIDEO JACK: (Singing) Mockingbird
JACK: (Singing) And if that mockingbird don't sing
VIDEO JACK: (Singing) It doesn't sing
JACK: (Singing) He's going to buy me a diamond ring
VIDEO JACK: (Singing) Diamond ring
WILL: (To Karen) There isn't a drink maximum, is there?
JACK: (Singing) Now everybody have you heard?
VIDEO JACK: (Singing) Have you heard?
(Later...)
JACK: (Singing) Litt...l-l-l-le lamb. (No response from audience) Thank you. Now comes the part of the show I like to call, "And how are you doing?" (Jack plays aN introductory fanfare on the piano)
JACK: So how are you all doing? (No response from audience) Ooh, quiet crowd.
HECKLER: No, we're just bored.
JACK: (To the heckler) Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. (To a man in the audience) So where are you from, sir?
MAN: Um, New Hampshire.
JACK: Ahh, the Windy City. And what do you do there?
MAN: Well, I live here now.
JACK: So. So. What? You live here in the club? (Breathless laughing sounds)
HECKLER: You stink!
JACK: Ha ha. Takes one to know one. Takes one. Takes one. Takes one.
WILL: Jack, do another song or something.
JACK: Shh, this is going to work.
KAREN: No, it isn't.
JACK: Yes, it is.
WILL: You're dying out here.
JACK: Would you just stick to what you do best, trolling the park for greasy souvlaki vendors?
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha.
JACK: Oh, sorry. He did, you know. Yeah, the guy didn't speak a word of English, but fortunately, Will's fluent in skank. Yeah, skank.
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha.
WILL: Jack? Stop.
JACK: But hey, let's talk about Will's last significant relationship, huh? Which took place about-- oh, it's 10:00-- 3 years ago! Yeah, you want to know how little Willie tried to win him back?
KAREN: Yeah, I want to know!
WILL: Jack, don't. Don't do this.
JACK: By standing outside his bedroom window singing a medley of Peter, Paul, and Mary songs. Too bad Michael rowed his boat ashore to another guy. 2000, 2000. 2000.
KAREN: (To Will) He's pretty funny, isn't he?
SCENE IV: Will's apartment
(Will is getting a bottle of water when Jack excitedly enters.)
JACK: The reviews are in and the critics agree, the show's a smash. Listen to this e-mail Rory just gave me. (Reading) "The show's a smash. I'm really into Asians now." (Crumples and tosses the paper) But, uh, listen, it's really taking off for me, Will. Listen, do me a favor. If you see me acting like a big star, just keep me real. (Will squeezes his bottle of water and splashes Jack in the face.)
WILL: I don't believe you. I told you that story in confidence.
JACK: Well how was I supposed to know that?
WILL: Because I used the words, "I'm telling you this in confidence."
JACK: Well, let's not split hairs. Especially yours, since you're thinning on top. Ooh, that's good. (Into a personal tape recorder) Open with the "thinning on top" bit.
WILL: Jack! You are not allowed to take my personal life and put it on stage just for a few laughs.
JACK: A few laughs? Were you there? When I did the look on your face when Michael told you he was moving out... I got a rolling laugh that went on for like… (Will squeezes his bottle of water and splashes jack in the face again.)
JACK: A minute and a half.
WILL: Jack! You hurt my feelings.
JACK: Get over yourself. I am an artist. It is my responsibility to draw from my life and the lives of others to get laughs and to sell cocktails. Just like Picasso. (Grace opens the door in the middle of their argument)
WILL: Right, but the key difference between you and Picasso is that he is one of the greatest artists of the 20th century, and you are a raging pinhead. I am never telling you anything again.
JACK: Fine! I don't need you. You— (Shaking his fist) Enemy of art! (Jack storms out past Grace into the hallway.)
GRACE: (To Will) Hey... You guys have fun tonight?
WILL: Oh, you missed a great show. Yeah, Jack decided to entertain the crowd with a few embarrassing tidbits from my personal life.
GRACE: Oh, sweetie, that's horrible. He didn't tell them about that time you stood up at model U.N. with the pee-pee track in your khakis, did he?
WILL: It was Sprite.
GRACE: Maybe going in.
WILL: Just let it die! I--I'm never telling Jack anything again.
GRACE: Good! You shouldn't. That's the only way he'll learn. You stick to your guns.
WILL: How'd your breakup with Ben go?
GRACE: I slept with him.
WILL: What?!
GRACE: I know, I know, I know. I went over there to make sure he really knew that we were broken up. One thing led to another, and we ended having breakup sex. Twice. Ok! 3 times.
WILL: Let's see. Once, twice, three times... I don't think that makes you a lady.
SCENE V: Will's apartment
(Jack is about to enter his apartment when a good-looking young man in shorts and tank top exits Will's apartment into the elevator. Jack is taken aback. Another man, identical to the first, exits Will's apartment and joins the other in the elevator. Jack runs to the elevator as the doors shut and then runs into Will's apartment.)
JACK: You just doubled your pleasure! Now you double my fun! Sing out, Louise!
WILL: Jack, this is the most amazing story, and you are never going to believe it... Mainly because you're never going to hear it.
JACK: What?
WILL: Remember, Jack, we don't do that anymore, 'cause you can't be trusted.
JACK: Pffft! Now. It's a documented scientific fact that one twin is always gay. Which one is it? The cute one or the cute one?
WILL: I ca-- Oh, no. Look. Luis forgot his javelin. (Will picks up a javelin from behind the couch.)
JACK: They came with props?! Speak!
WILL: I'm sorry, Jack, that's the price you pay for being an artist. Or as the twins say-- oh, I can't tell you. (Jack grabs the javelin from Will)
JACK: You, are no friend of mine! (Jack exits, slamming the javelin into the door frame multiple times before getting out of the apartment.)
SCENE VI: Downtown at The Duplex
(Jack is lifelessly playing the piano.)
JACK: I feel the earth, yawn, move, pfft, under my feet. I feel the sky tumblin' down, tumblin' down, tumblin'-- back in an hour.
SCENE VII: Will's apartment
(Grace is getting ready to go out. Will is staying home.)
GRACE: I hope you don't mind that I'm going to Jack's show tonight. I just figure if I break up with Ben in a public place, there's a better chance I won't end up sleeping with him.
WILL: Grace, you gotta be tough about this. You got to tell him what you really want.
GRACE: Oh, I will.
WILL: See, that's good. Now you sure you want to do this?
GRACE: Why? You think I'm making a mistake?
WILL: See. That's bad. (Somebody knocks on the door)
GRACE: Who is it? (Knocking continues) Who is it? (Still no answer) Who is it? (Grace opens the door. Karen is standing there.)
KAREN: Honey, I don't yell. Where the hell am I? Is this student housing, and are bowling shoes back?
GRACE: Ok. I'm changing. (Grace exits to her bedroom to change her shoes)
KAREN: Hey. Hey, Wilma. Come on. You got to come with me down to Jack's club. He's bombing. Come on. Beep, beep, beep, let's go.
WILL: Of course he's bombing, because he doesn't have me to make fun of. Well, forget get it. I'm not going to put myself into a position to be laughed at again. It's the same reason I don't throw a ball in front of people.
KAREN: Lord, you're sick. He's bombing because he's miserable. And he's miserable because you're still mad at him. Yeah, he's sullen. He's morose. He's humorless. He's-- oh, my god. He's you.
WILL: Ahem. You know, if Hell ever needs an ambassador-- God! Why do I always have to be the adult?
KAREN: Because you are the adult, Will. Come on. Let him off the hook. Show a little kindness. (To Grace, without even looking at her) Honey, not those.
SCENE VIII: A taxi cab
(Will is sitting in the front passenger seat. Grace and Karen are sitting in the back. Grace is lost in thought, noisily chewing gum.)
KAREN: Oh, God. I can't stand it any longer. You're chewing like a big cow. Hand it over!
GRACE: Oh... I'm sorry. (Grace spits the gum into Karen's hand) I'm just a little nervous. I'm breaking up with Ben, tonight.
KAREN: Well, what's the problem, Grace? He's not gay?
GRACE: No, he's--great. He's just not right.
KAREN: Of course he's not white. Sheesh...
GRACE: Right. He's not right.
KAREN: Listen, Ben is a catch. And for some reason, he's crazy about you. What is your problem?
WILL: (To the taxi driver) Amazing how one little cardboard tree can make so little difference.
GRACE: Look, Karen, the bottom line is I'm just not in love with him.
KAREN: Yeah, well, all I know is ever since you two got together, I've never seen you happier. How do you know that's not love?
SCENE VI: Downtown at The Duplex
(Jack is in the dressing room/bathroom.)
JACK: (Looking in the mirror) You flash in the pan. You one-hit wonder. You Vanilla Ice.
(Cut to the bar as Grace, Karen, and Will enter. Karen immediately goes behind the bar and fixes her a drink, with Grace following.)
GRACE: You know what? You're right. He is better than any guy I've ever gone out with. Am I sabotaging what could be the best thing that's ever happened to me? That is my M.O. I mean, this is a man who refused to break up with me. That's love. He loves me. If I weren't so picky, maybe I would love him, too. Maybe I do. Maybe this is what love feels like. I should just say it. I love him. (Gasps) I said it. That wasn't so hard. I love him.
KAREN: Ok.
GRACE: I love him!
BEN: (Entering) Hey, baby.
GRACE: Hey, you!
(Cut to the dressing room/bathroom. A knock on door.)
WILL: (Entering) Hey.
JACK: Hey. What are you doing here?
WILL: Supporting the arts. I mean, after all, I spent years supporting the artist.
JACK: So what are you saying?
WILL: I'm saying... Use it all. The souvlaki guy, Michael leaving, the Sprite on my khakis in front of the Security Council.
JACK: Ooh, the pee-pee story? Hey, hey. What about those twins?
WILL: Oh, well, you know. We met in the park. Tossed the javelin. I got a groin pull. They carried me home. It was humiliating. But ask me out there. The crowd'll eat it up.
JACK: My gosh, Will. Thank you so much.
WILL: You're welcome, artist... Formerly known as princess.
(Cut to the bar, where Grace and Ben are chatting.)
GRACE: Hey, I just want to say something. I am so glad we are back together.
BEN: Oh, yeah. About that. I've been giving it some thought. I think it would be best for me if we stopped seeing each other.
GRACE: Wait. What are you talking about?
BEN: Aw, come on, Grace. I mean, we're not in love, so I'm ending this.
GRACE: No, but you-- Oh! (Laughs) Oh! All right. I get it. I see what's going on here. Ok. Ok. Well, guess what? (Joking) I don't accept it.
BEN: Well, that's immaterial, because I am breaking up with you.
GRACE: No, you're not.
BEN: Yes, I am.
GRACE: No, you're not.
BEN: Yes, I am.
GRACE: No, you're not.
BEN: Yes, I am.
GRACE: (Realizing Ben is serious) No, you're not! Look! I've been pushed around enough about this. I know what I want, and I want you, and we're staying together. There's nothing you could say to change my mind.
BEN: Grace?
GRACE: Oh, you're right.
BEN: Grace.
GRACE: Just for the record, I broke up with you.
BEN: No, you didn't.
GRACE: Yes, I did.
BEN: No, you didn't.
GRACE: Yes, I did.
BEN: No, you didn't.
GRACE: Yes, I did.
JACK: Hey, everybody! Welcome back. Now comes the part of the show that I like to call, "And how are you all doing?" Let's look out into the audience, shall we? Ooh! I see somebody I know. Mr. Will Truman. Want to hear a little something about Will?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
JACK: He's-- There's a, um-- He's a friend of mine. (To a man in the audience) Hey, where you from?
MAN: Montana.
JACK: Only two things I know come from Montana-- Steers and queers. Everybody, welcome.
(Later. Everyone has left except Will and Grace. Will is playing around with the piano.)
GRACE: What is wrong with me? It's like I can be talking to anything.
WILL: Ooh. Don't say that when you're giving me a back rub.
GRACE: Yeah, you do look tight. (Grace rubs Will's shoulders while he plays the piano.)
WILL: Any requests?
GRACE: Oh, just play something that'll make me feel better.
WILL: (Playing the piano and singing) Ben, the two of us need look no more...
GRACE: Nice.
WILL: (Playing the piano and singing) We both found what we were looking for...
GRACE: (Singing off key in a high-pitched voice) With a friend to call my own. You'll never be alone--
WILL: (Stops playing the piano) You know what? I forget the rest of it.
