SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Will is making pancakes as Grace enters, wearing a winter outfit.)
GRACE: You're making pancakes.
WILL: Yes, I am, Heidi, but... Please don't tell Grandpapa!
GRACE: We had a pact! Four workouts a week, no carbs, no sugar, no fat.
WILL: I've totally been cheating.
GRACE: So have I. Hook me up.
JACK: (Entering) Oh, my god! The day I've been waiting for has finally arrived.
WILL: Congratulations, Jack! I wish you a long, happy life as a woman.
JACK: (Fake laugh) Ha-ha. That's so funny, I forgot you're fat. I just thought some of us might be interested to know that Antiques on the Road is in town!
GRACE: Antiques on the Road? You're kidding!
JACK: No, I just heard from a friend of mine who sleeps with someone at PBS.
GRACE: Oh!
JACK: And they're gonna bring the whole crew, including...guess who?
GRACE: No!
JACK: Yes!
GRACE: Get out!
JACK: Make me!
WILL: Who? What?
GRACE AND JACK (Both): Porcelain Paul!
GRACE: Oh, my god. He's British and cute!
JACK: Oh, my god. He's gay, and he's gonna be my lover.
WILL: Somebody want to tell me what Antiques on the Road is?
JACK: (To Grace) Mmm?
GRACE: (To Jack) No, you, you!
JACK: Ok! It's only the best show on television! You know, next to the Creek.
GRACE: I'm over the Creek.
JACK: Me, too.
GRACE: Ok, ok, so people bring in their stuff, and they're appraised by experts. And sometimes it's worth a lot of money, but that's the boring part. My favorite part is when someone brings in something that they think is worth millions, and Porcelain Paul tells them that it's worth, like, $4.00. And the camera stays on them and their face goes... (Making a wincing face) Oh!
JACK: Ha ha, do the face again!
GRACE: Ok! (Making the face) Oh!
JACK: Ok, now, do the face of someone who had something really valuable and ruined it with Lemon Pledge.
GRACE: Ok! Ok, ok. (Gasping) Hah! (Making the face) OH!
WILL: That sounds fun. What time is it on?
JACK: Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelys.
WILL: Oh, please, please, please, can't I be a flouncing geek, too?
GRACE: Oh, my god. Ok, I have to get on the show, because I have to do the face.
JACK: Oh, my god. I have to meet Porcelain Paul. I just know if I can break through that icy British façade, he'll be mine.
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: (British accent) They lived happily ever after. And that, children, concludes our fairy tale.
SCENE II: The offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office
(Will is typing at his desk as Mrs. Freeman opens the door, then knocks.)
WILL: Good morning, Mrs. Freeman, how are you? You look lovely today. You don't really like me, do you?
MRS. FREEMAN: Mm-mmm. Mr. Doucette needs to speak with you.
BEN: (Entering) I need to speak with you, Will.
WILL: Let me get you a chair. (Ben sits in Will's chair and kicks his legs up on the desk.)
BEN: As you're well aware, different firms have different ways of making their new employees feel welcome. Some give you a muffin basket, some give you a briefcase. Here at Doucette and Stein, we give you one week to make me not regret hiring you. And to do that, you need to bring in a major client. One whose name is on one of those buildings out there. And, if you succeed, well... that's how junior associates become senior associates.
WILL: And if I don't?
BEN: That's how junior associates become Carl's Jr. associates. You have till Friday, Will.
WILL: Friday... Like in Friday?
BEN: No, Friday like in Thursday, but I'll give you till Friday.
WILL: This... This is a little... I mean, you know, last week I was the guy you had to have, I was the guy with heart.
BEN: That was the honeymoon, Will. Honeymoon's over. Good times, though, huh?
WILL: Th-This strikes me as a tad unfair.
BEN: Let me tell you a little story, Will. Years ago when I was a young associate, not unlike yourself, I went to a bar one night, and there were these 2 beautiful women there. I couldn't decide which one to ask out, so I took a chance and asked them both. Turned out to be one of the best nights of my life.
WILL: And that relates how?
BEN: It doesn't. I just love telling that story. One week, Will. And don't waste any more of your time listening to pointless stories.
SCENE III: Antiques on the Road
(Grace and Jack are in line having their teapot looked at by a woman with the Antiques on the Road show.)
WOMAN: (To Grace and Jack) Just wait at table 12. Paul will be there in 10 minutes. Congratulations, and welcome to the show.
JACK: Thank you. Very fine. Thank you very much. (Squeaks) EEE! (To Grace) You did it! I can't believe that teapot got us on!
GRACE: What did I tell you? It's perfect! (British accent) Look, to the untrained, uneducated eye, this may look like an early 18th century Meissen teapot.
JACK: (British accent) Why, yes, it does.
GRACE: (British accent) But to those of us in the know, (Normal voice) it's a cheap knockoff I bought at that lesbian thrift shop in the East Village. By the way, what do the girls have against hair care products?
JACK: It's their way.
GRACE: Oh, my god, I've got it. When we go on, I'm gonna come up with some sob story about how much we need the money. That'll make the face really pop.
JACK: Oh, that's good. That'll help me break through to Paul. Oh, this is genius! You'll get to do the face, and I'll get to do Paul!
GRACE: Win, win, win! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky! (Grace bumps into an old woman) Oh, oh, oh, I am so sorry.
OLD WOMAN: That's ok, that's ok.
GRACE: (To old woman) Oh, what is that? Is that a music box?
OLD WOMAN: Oh, yes. It's been in my family for years. Oh, I hope it's worth something.
GRACE: I'm sure it's worth a ton. (To Jack) It's not worth a dime. (Making the face) Oh!
SCENE IV: The offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office
(Will is on the phone with a potential client.)
WILL: (On the phone) No, I understand that. I just want to know if he's happy with his current representation. Because if he isn't, our firm is in an excellent position to provide-- I see. Well, when your daddy gets home, have him call me. (He hangs up. Ben enters, followed by Mrs. Freeman.)
BEN: (To Will) What's the good word? Tell me things.
WILL: Well, I'm 5'11", I'm not into games, I like horseback riding, skiing, and men who aren't afraid to cry. Ok, you're not in the mood. Ben, I have been trying and trying. But there is--
KAREN: (Entering) Good Lord, that walk from the elevator is gonna give me calf muscles like a Hungarian shot-putter.
WILL: K-Karen, this isn't exactly a good time.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, you're with you, honey. That's never a good time. Listen, you left these papers at the office, and Grace and I made a deal. (Hands Will a folder) If I brought 'em over to you, I could leave at 1:00. Grace doesn't know about the deal, so keep it under your toup.
WILL: (Introducing Karen to Ben) Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.
BEN: I know Mrs. Walker.
KAREN: (To Ben) Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.
BEN: No, you just gave me your drink order.
KAREN: Yeah... And I'm still waiting for it. Well, I'm outta here. (To Mrs. Freeman) Oh, honey, will you pop a stamp on this and drop it in the mail for me? (Karen holds out an envelope to Mrs. Freeman. Mrs. Freeman just stares back... Karen stares back... Mrs. Freeman stares back... Karen stares back...)
KAREN: (To Mrs. Freeman) I like you. (Karen exits.)
WILL: (To Ben) I'm sorry. I didn't know she was coming. She usually sends her flying monkeys.
BEN: Don't be sorry. We've been chasing Walker, Inc. for years. I had no idea you were this close to landing 'em.
WILL: Oh, yeah! Oh...oh, sure! I'm just working on reeling her in, you know. All I need now is a harpoon and a bucket of chum.
BEN: Will, I don't care if you have to blow her out of the sea with dynamite, just make it happen!
WILL: Right, I just... need a little more time.
BEN: Will, did I tell you the story about the 2 guys who want to go out with you?
WILL: No!
BEN: Well, they won't if you're fired by Friday.
SCENE V: Antiques on the Road
(Porcelain Paul introduces himself to Grace and Jack. A camera man is filming.)
PAUL: Hello, Paul Archambeaux.
GRACE: (Shaking Paul's hand) Grace Adler.
JACK: (Shaking Paul's hand) Just Jack.
PAUL: Ok, we've begun filming, so please just act natural. So, tell me about this...lovely teapot.
GRACE: Well, we had a bit of a family tragedy last year.
JACK: I'm her brother, not her lover, just so...
GRACE: On Christmas Eve, Grandma Meg lost both of her legs to diabetes.
PAUL: Oh...
JACK: And then, on Christmas Day, she tragically lost both her feet.
PAUL: So, how does the, um, teapot fit into all this?
GRACE: Well, it's the only thing that survived the fire that Grandma caused when she... mistakenly answered the iron.
JACK: With her hook.
PAUL: Well, l-l-let's see what we've got here, shall we? Ah, yes. Well, this appears to be a Meissen teapot, from, I would say, the early 18th century. It's beautifully done. Although the gold in the scrollwork here is a little bit brighter than you usually see on these pieces. Have you any idea how much this is worth?
GRACE: Oh, gosh, I don't know. We were hoping for grandma's sake... $5,000?
PAUL: (Chuckles) Well, I hate to disappoint you, but this is worth $30,000.
GRACE: (Making the face) Oh! (Beat) What?!
(Later. Paul has left Grace and Jack alone with the teapot.)
JACK: You know what I'm going to do with my money? Buy an Audi, drive by Rory and yell "loser!" out the window.
GRACE: I can't believe I have $30,000!
JACK: I can't believe I have $30,000!
GRACE: Jack, this is my teapot. I bought it with my money and my expertise.
JACK: You thought it was fake, lesbian ceramic expert! Besides, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me. Breaking through to Porcelain Paul was based on an idea by Jack McFarland! (Grace and Jack both grab onto the teapot.)
GRACE: It's mine!
JACK: It's mine!
GRACE: Give it to me!
JACK: No, it's mine!
GRACE: Ok... Wait a minute. Look, this is crazy. We're friends. We're in this together. The only mature thing to do is just to... sell it... And split the money 50-50. 15 each. (Holds out her hand) 15 each?
JACK: (Shakes Grace's hand) Yes, I'm sorry.
GRACE: $15,000 is still a lot of money.
JACK: Yes... But it won't buy an Audi! (Jack grabs the teapot and runs.)
GRACE: Jack!
SCENE VI: An upscale Manhattan bar
(Karen is sitting at the bar. Smitty, the bartender, gives Karen a martini. A piano player plays music in the background.)
GRACE: Aw, thanks, Smitty.
SMITTY: Mrs. Walker, I hate to be indelicate, but--
KAREN: Oh, right, right! The tab. Now, what was our agreement again?
SMITTY: One month or $1,000, whichever comes first.
KAREN: My word, has it been a month already?
SMITTY: No, ma'am.
KAREN: Smitty... What's it all about? Oh, wait, I don't give a crap! (Laughs) I forgot! (Laughs)
(Karen gives Smitty her credit card.)
WILL: (Entering) Ahem. Karen?
KAREN: No.
WILL: Karen, it's you.
KAREN: I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for somebody else. My name is Anastasia Beaverhausen. (Beat) Oh, all right, all right, it's me! What in the hell are you doing here?
WILL: Felt like a drink. And, you know, sometimes you want to go where... nobody knows your name.
KAREN: Yeah, well you're not gonna like it here. Nobody's gonna serve you a drink in a leather thong and a dog collar.
WILL: Karen, you're so funny. (To Smitty) I'm gonna need a martini in a Big Gulp.
SCENE VII: Antiques on the Road
(Jack is running through carrying the teapot while Grace chases him.)
JACK: Excuse me! Crazy woman! Hide your teapots! (Jack hides in a chest.)
GRACE: Jack, get back here! Jack! Jack... (To a security guard) Excuse me, did you see a gay guy run through here with a teapot, real excited? What am I talking about? It's like asking if you've seen a loser at a Renaissance Fair. (Two workmen lift up the chest, which has no bottom, leaving Jack exposed. Jack looks up.)
JACK: (To Grace) Can you see me?
GRACE: Yes, Tommy, I can see you.
JACK: (Pointing) Oh, my god, angry lesbians coming at you! (Jack runs off screen.)
GRACE: Jack!
(Cut to Porcelain Paul with an old couple looking at an oriental paper dressing screen.)
PAUL: It's really quite lovely. Have you any idea how much it's worth?
MAN: Oh, I don't know. We found it in the attic. Couple hundred?
PAUL: Well, actually, it's worth approximately $25,000.
(Jack and Grace break through the paper screen and fall to the floor. Paul takes the teapot and hands it to the couple.)
PAUL: (To the couple) I believe this is yours.
GRACE: (Making the face) Oh!
SCENE VIII: An upscale Manhattan bar
(Karen and Will are sitting at a table having drinks.)
KAREN: Ok, so how'd you get that scar?
WILL: Oh, now, that one... I got that one playing hockey. (Beat) I got burned playing with my cousin's Easy-Bake Oven. (Beat) Ok, my Easy-Bake Oven.
KAREN: And what about that one right there, near the site of future hair plugs?
WILL: Yeah, that's a physical and emotional scar. I... Mmm... You know what? I'd rather not.
KAREN: Oh, come on, no fair! I showed you where Rosario planted a bite mark on my ankle.
WILL: All right. Eighth grade talent show. I sang I Honestly Love You.
KAREN: Oh, honey, Olivia Newton-John? No! No...
WILL: Yeah! Totally humiliating. My voice cracked, naturally, and everybody laughed. I ran offstage, tripped and fell into Stephanie Lieberman's headgear.
KAREN: Oh...
WILL: Worst day of my life. Not so great for Stephanie, either.
KAREN: Well... Get a load of this beauty. (Lifts her skirt and slaps her thigh.)
WILL: Karen, there's no scar. That's just your thigh.
KAREN: Yeah. It's pretty good, right? (Winks) Look at us! Having cocktails and trading war stories. Gosh, I'm almost on the verge of not disliking you.
WILL: I'll keep that one under my toup. Hey, Karen, the last time you and I had drinks together, you and Stan were kinda hitting a rough patch. How are things?
KAREN: Well... He has his wing, I have mine. Steady as she goes.
WILL: Oh, good, I'm glad you're happy. And are you and Stan happy...with your lawyers?
KAREN: Well... I don't know. I mean I haven't really thought-- Wait a minute. Is that what this is about?! You're trying to get Stan as a client! Are you workin' me, Wilma?!
WILL: All right, I admit it. I'm a little desperate. (Karen scoffs.) I have to land a high-profile client by tomorrow. Is there any way you could set up a meeting?
KAREN: This is the meeting. You want anything to do with Walker, Inc., you gotta go through Mrs. Inc. So... How badly do you want it?
WILL: Very badly.
KAREN: Badly enough to suck that peanut off the table?
WILL: Karen, I'm not go--
KAREN: Suck it!
WILL: There is no--
KAREN: Suck it!
WILL: (Will bends over to the table and sucks a peanut off the table.) God, I hope that was a peanut. Ok, what do you say?
KAREN: I say you didn't get on that peanut fast enough.
WILL: Oh, come on! You can't... What is it gonna take?
KAREN: Excuse me. (Karen gets up and walks over to the piano) Hello. (Into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat this evening. Yes. The menthol-cool stylings of Mr. Will Truman.
WILL: Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Absolutely not!
KAREN: (To the piano player) I Honestly Love You, in a high key.
WILL: (To Smitty) Check, please! Can I get the check? (Piano intro begins)
KAREN: You wanna be my lawyer? Then sing me a love song! And make me believe it.
WILL: Lady, you are out of your mind. If you think I'm gonna stand here... (Karen puts the microphone in Will's face.)
WILL: (Singing) Maybe I hang around here a little more than I should. We both know I got somewhere else to go...
KAREN: On the piano, and put a little Michelle Pfeiffer in it. (Karen pushes Will up on the piano)
WILL: (Singing) I've got something to tell you; I never thought I would; but I believe you really ought to know.
KAREN: Arch your back and lick your lips!
WILL: (Singing) I love you. I honestly love you.
KAREN: Ok, I'm starting to buy it. Now, make him believe it! (Pointing to the piano player)
WILL: (Singing) You don't have to an—(Jumps off the piano) All right, that's it! I'm sorry! I am a damn good lawyer, and you would be lucky to have me. I don't have to put up with this crap. You're sadistic and bitter and empty. Ok, and by the way, your thigh? Not so hot. (Karen gasps. Will exits.)
SCENE IX: The offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office
(Will is packing up his things.)
WILL: Good-bye, desk. Good-bye...ugly hanging tonsu. (Looking out the window) Good-bye 50-foot Calvin Klein underwear ad. I think I'll miss you most of all.
BEN: (Entering) Good morning, Truman. Ooh hoo hoo, I had a great night last night. If anybody asks, I was with you. So?
WILL: Look, Ben... I--I tried my hardest. I did everything-- You have no idea what I've been through, but I--
BEN: Please, put all the details in a memo, which I won't read. I stopped by to congratulate you. Karen Walker signed the papers this morning. And for future reference, this is my happy face. (Ben makes a straight face.)
WILL: K-Karen? Karen's here? (Karen enters.)
KAREN: (To Will) Hi, honey. Close your mouth. You look like you're missing a chromosome.
BEN: (To Will) Good job, Will. (To Karen) Mrs. Walker, always a pleasure. Anything we can do to help...
KAREN: Yeah, I'm still waitin' on that drink.
BEN: Something tells me you haven't been waiting. (Ben exits.)
WILL: (To Karen) W-why did you do it?
KAREN: (Sighs) Oh, I don't know. I like Grace, Grace likes you. Smitty likes me, I like Cutty Sark.
WILL: That is one polluted stream of consciousness.
KAREN: And I guess I just figured that anyone who'd sing an Olivia Newton-John song for me would be the kind of lawyer who... Oh, Lord, honey, don't make me think about it too much. I might change my mind. (Will smiles.)
KAREN: (Pointing to Will) What's that?
WILL: Karen, I think... I think you're still on the verge of not disliking me.
KAREN: No, no, no. We don't do that. Not on my time. That's a billable smile, Wilma.
WILL: Karen, wait. Um... About those things I said last night. I'm... I'm really sorry.
KAREN: What things, honey?
WILL: Well, when I said... Maybe I didn't say anything.
KAREN: (Smiles) I didn't think so.
WILL: So, can your lawyer take you to lunch?
KAREN: Oh, uh... Honey... I don't eat with the help, ok? (Karen touches Will's nose and exits.)
