SCENE I: A housewares store
(Will and Grace enter the store.)
GRACE: Ok. Let's do this quickly while Jack's still playing on the escalator. How about a juicer for Jack's birthday?
WILL: That's a good idea. Then maybe he'd give ours back. (Hands Grace a cup of juice) Here, try some. (Mocking an infomercial) It's liquid sunshine.
GRACE: Mmm. It is liquid sunshine. How'd you do it?
WILL: Well, with the Schmenkman 5000, you can make juice out of anything.
GRACE: Oh, come on.
GRACE: I'm sure the Schmenkman 5000 is good, but can it really get juice out of anything?
WILL: Ma'am, the Schmenkman 5000 is so good, you could get juice out of Hume Cronyn.
GRACE: Now, that's a good juicer!
WILL: We gonna get this or what?
GRACE: I don't know. (Jack enters the store and sees a big bundle of bushy wheat. He kneels down in front of it so it looks like it's on his head.)
JACK: Hey, look, I'm Cher...circa 1978. "My daughter's a what?!" (Standing up) Why are you guys buying my birthday present in here? No, no, no. I don't need kitchen appliances. I eat all my meals at your house. Doi! Oh, my god, and do not get me a juicer. I just sold the one I had.
GRACE: Um... this birthday party we're throwing for you, it's still a surprise, right?
JACK: Oh, my god, totally. But I want to go over the guest list. And I want a celebrity. No one lower than Joan Van Ark.
WILL: How about Joan of Ark?
JACK: What--what show is she on? Ok, anyways, let's go next door and get some CDs. I want to get some surprise party music for my surprise party. I heard the new Alanis Morrisette just got reduced.
WILL: Yeah. That's what you get for thanking India. (Will and Jack exit the store.)
SALESMAN: (To Grace) Are you looking for a juicer?
GRACE: Oh, I-- I really don't know.
SALESMAN: Well, this one is terrific. You know, they claim it can get juice out of--
GRACE: Hume Cronyn. Yeah, ha ha ha...
SALESMAN: Hume Cronyn? (Offended) He's a national treasure. That's not funny.
GRACE: No, see, you see, the guy that just left, he was the one who... I'm gonna need a few more minutes. (The salesman leaves Grace as Sam enters the store. Grace is playing with a juice machine, moving it's "mouth.")
GRACE: (In a funny voice) Hi. I'm Mr. Juicer.
SAM: (Noticing Grace) My God, Grace Adler, you have gotten lonely.
GRACE: (Looking up) Sam.
SAM: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Oh, my god. Sam, what are you doing here?
SAM: Well, you know, I woke up this morning, and I realized that I have lived my entire life without one of these.
GRACE: A juicer?
SAM: No, a kitchen. Grace Adler, wow! You know, the last time I saw you, you were (Holding his fingers an inch apart) this big. But I was on a hill, and you were far away. How are you?
GRACE: Good. You know-- You know, I did the interior of a house that you were the contractor on in Sag Harbor.
SAM: How did you like my work?
GRACE: Fantastic. I loved the way you put the floor down low where everybody walks. And--and whose idea was it to put the ceiling above everyone's head like that?
SAM: That was mine. Thank you.
GRACE: So... how long are we not gonna talk about what we're not talking about?
SAM: I can do this all day. I have a lot of staying power. You look great.
GRACE: So I guess I'll start. Will just left.
SAM: Well, he always had good timing.
GRACE: Sam, he's right next door picking out CDs. Go catch him before he buys "The Best of Bread."
SAM: Hey, you know, that's a great idea. Except...he hates me.
GRACE: Sam, he doesn't hate you any more than you hate him.
SAM: Grace, I don't hate him. I love him. I miss him.
GRACE: Ok, he hates you a little more than you hate him. But one of you has to make the first move. It could be either one. As long as it's you.
SAM: No, Grace... I can't. I gotta-- I gotta go meet an architect in about 10 minutes, but I'd love to talk to you about this. I'm staying at the Mercer. Will you please call me?
GRACE: You want me to tell Will anything?
SAM: Tell him... Tell him his brother misses him.
SCENE II: Will's apartment, the kitchen
(Grace is baking and Karen is sitting on the counter drinking a martini.)
GRACE: Ohh, where are the measuring spoons? (Karen kicks open the drawer. To Karen) You know what? Maybe you want to put down your little sippy cup and help me make Jack's cake.
KAREN: Well, honey, all you had to do was ask. I'm happy to help. (Dials the phone. On the phone) Rosario. (Beat) Yeah. Hi, honey, listen, I'm gonna need you to make one of your 7-layer cakes for tomorrow. Mm-hmm. And keep an eye on the kids. The fat one's gonna go right for the bowl. (Beat) Ok. Hola. (Hangs up.) All done. Baking is fun.
WILL: (Entering) Hey.
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: What did you end up getting Jack?
GRACE: I've narrowed it down to something spandex with padding.
WILL: So we're gonna get him Richard Simmons?
KAREN: Oh, my god! Do you know what he would love? Oh! What is that deal down in the Mediterranean where you can charter a yacht with another couple for a week? You know, 7-person cruise, they take you up the Italian Riviera. Oh, what is the name of that boat?!
WILL: Oh, I know. The S.S. Lower Your Dosage. What are you guys doing?
KAREN: We're making a cake from scratch. (Little girl's voice) And I helped.
GRACE: Hey, I've got some big news.
WILL: Yeah?
GRACE: Remember when you selfishly bailed on me at the store and left me to buy a birthday present for you to give your friend?
WILL: Yeah. That was right after I thoughtfully split up the workload so you could make your manicure on time.
GRACE: Yeah, it was right about that time.
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Anyway... 30 seconds after you left, Sam Truman walks up to me.
KAREN: (To Will) Ooh! Old lover?
WILL: (To Karen) Sam Truman? My brother?
KAREN: So... no?
GRACE: Will, he really misses you.
WILL: (Scoffs) Hmm, I'll bet. I'm gonna change and go to the gym.
GRACE: Maybe you should call him.
WILL: Hey, maybe I shouldn't.
GRACE: Will, call your brother. You know, Michael Corleone forgave Fredo.
WILL: Yeah, that was right before he had him taken out to the lake and shot.
GRACE: The important thing is he forgave him.
WILL: No. I think the important thing to Fredo was that he got shot. Go back to your baking. (Will exits to his bedroom.)
GRACE: (To Karen) Ohh! This is so stupid. Five years ago, Will told Sam he hated the woman he was going to marry. And as a result, Sam cut Will out of his life completely. And--and they were-- they were so close. And now, finally, finally, Sam is ready--
KAREN: Honey. Honey... I barely care about Will. Can ya imagine how I feel about the brother?
SCENE III: Will's apartment, the living room
(Jack's party. Jack, Karen, Will, Grace, and lots of party guests present.)
KAREN: (To Jack) Damn it, honey. I was hoping there'd be at least one straight guy here tonight in case these puppies accidentally fall out. (Bending over) Oops! Whoo!
GRACE: (To Will) Party's going pretty well, huh?
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: I love surprises. You love surprises, too, don't you?
WILL: Surprisingly, no!
GRACE: Really? I love them. Like these little mini quiches. They look like they're gonna be bland, and then... Surprise! Jalapeño. (Choking. Chugging wine out of the bottle.)
WILL: Now, that's surprising.
GRACE: Here, put these on the table.
WILL: All right. (Somebody knocks on the door)
JACK: Will. (Snapping his fingers) Door, prontito.
WILL: Let's see, we got the cop, the cowboy, the Indian. This has got to be the construction worker. (Opens the door, to find his brother) Sam.
SAM: Will.
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: Surprise...
SCENE IV: Will's apartment, Will's bedroom
(Will is in the closet throwing neck ties out onto the bedroom floor as Grace enters.)
GRACE: So you're just gonna hide in here all night?
WILL: (Off-screen) I'm not hiding. I thought Jack's party would be a good time to weed out my tie collection.
GRACE: Will--
WILL: Pick the one you want to be strangled with.
GRACE: Hugo Boss is kinda nice.
WILL: (Exiting the closet) Grace...
GRACE: Will... I had to do something. You guys are gentiles. This could go on for 40 years. Will, he's here... He obviously wants to make up. Just go out there and settle it.
WILL: Gee, Grace, you're right. Maybe after, we can swing by the Middle East and clear up that whole mess with a big group hug.
GRACE: Well, even they called a truce every so often. You know, to... hide the nerve gas. (Sighs) Will, every family has problems you have to work through. I mean, don't you think the Kennedys had words when Maria married The Terminator?
WILL: I don't think they really care who the girls marry.
GRACE: Will, you were so close. I bet you can't even remember how it all started.
WILL: Five years ago-- June 24, mid-afternoon-- he asked me what I honestly thought of his girlfriend. I said, "She's morose and controlling and icy." He said, "Too bad. I'm marrying her." I said, "I don't think that's a very good idea." He was wearing a blue shirt, and I was wearing the jeans that give me--
GRACE: All right. So you have a vague recollection. But, Will, he's here. You owe it to him.
WILL: I owe it?! He is the one that cut me out of his life. He's the one th-that leaves the family Christmas at 3:00 when he knows I'm showing up at 4:00. I have a nephew that I have never met. Do you know what that feels like?
KAREN: (Opening the door and peeking in) Well, I got Jack his celebrity. Leslie Uggams just arrived. (Closes the door)
WILL: Grace, I don't want to see Sam. I don't want to talk to Sam.
KAREN: (Opening the door and peeking in) Ok, Leslie Uggams just left. (She closes the door)
GRACE: So you're just gonna stay in here all night.
WILL: Yep.
GRACE: You're not even gonna give him a chance.
WILL: No.
GRACE: Even if this is the last time this opportunity presents itself.
WILL: Yep.
GRACE: Wow. You know what my Aunt Pesha would say if she were in this room right now?
WILL: "Why the hell did my parents name me Pesha?"
GRACE: No. She would say... (Gives him "the eye")
WILL: What was she, a Yiddish mime? You didn't say anything.
GRACE: Oh, I said plenty. I just gave you the eye of shame.
WILL: Oh, Grace, I--
GRACE: Hey, hey, hey! Don't push Pesha! Talk to the eye. (Grace exits Will's bedroom, giving him the eye of shame, and heads back to the living room.)
GRACE: (To Sam) Ok, I think he's softening. He just needs a little more time. You can hang out for, like, a year, right?
SAM: He got mom's stubbornness. And I got dad's...stubbornness.
GRACE: You know, if you were a functional family--
SAM: We'd be on display at Ripley's Believe it or Not.
GRACE: The three of you-- you, Will, and Ginny would sit down in a room and just hash it out.
SAM: I don't think that's gonna happen. Ginny and I are getting a divorce.
GRACE: That's fantastic! (Beat) Oh, no, no. I mean, that's awful. I'm sorry. It's just that's your way in with Will. You gotta tell him.
KAREN: (To the party guests) Ok, could I have everybody's attention? I thought it would be fun if people came up and made a toast to the man of the hour. So... who wants to say a few words about Jack? (No one moves...) Come on, queens are better to open. Oh, all right, I'll start. Uh... Hmm... Oh, ok. Say it's 12:45, and one of your real girlfriends cancels for lunch. Well, there is nobody-- and I do mean nobody-- who can fill in like Jack. (To Jack) Honey, if catty were a perfume, you'd reek of it. I love you, honey. I do. I love ya. (Walks towards Jack, arms stretched out, then walks past him.) Ok, who's next?
WILL: (Entering from the bedroom) I'll be next. Jack, I joke with you a lot. I call you names. Names like Nellie... Mary... Tinkerbell, Femme-bot, Ally McHomo...
JACK: Get to the good stuff or get off the stage.
WILL: (Seriously) But I love you, Jack. I don't tell you that enough. You're like... Well... Truth be told, you're like the brother I never had. Oh, what do you know? (Glares at Sam) The brother I never had is here tonight. (To Jack) But, see, unlike him, you'd never cut me out of your life or split up my family. So here's to you, Jack. Happy birthday.
JACK: (Sotto, to Karen) What the hell kind of a toast was that?
SAM: Will. Will. Look, Ginny and I are getting a divorce.
WILL: That's too bad, Sam. You guys deserved each other.
SAM: That's it. I'm outta here. I tried.
GRACE: Sam, where you going?
SAM: I'm leaving.
GRACE: Why?
SAM: Why? Didn't you hear what he just said?
GRACE: Oh, oh, no. That was just his way of reaching out.
SAM: Yeah. Well, this is my way of staying. Bye. (Sam exits to the hallway. Grace follows.)
GRACE: Sam, come on. It took you 5 years to get here, and you're only 15 feet apart. That's like 3 feet a year. Merchant-Ivory films move faster than that.
SAM: Look, Grace, he obviously doesn't want to talk to me.
GRACE: No. You're wrong. In his bedroom he said more than anything else, he wants to resolve this.
SAM: He actually said that? Because "resolve" and "revolver" sound a lot alike.
GRACE: (Beat) I'm pretty sure he said "resolve." Please, Sam, please try.
SAM: I don't know, Grace. (Grace gives him "the eye") Ok, ok. Who could say no to the eye of shame?
GRACE: Thank you! (Grace and Sam re-enter the apartment. Jack is sitting on the kitchen counter. Music is playing. Sam exits to Will's bedroom.)
JACK: That's it. Can you feel that? Hi, lovers. I love you all like lovers. Really. I love you and you and you and... You I don't know, but I could definitely see loving you (Purrs). But most of all, I love... love. I do. Sometimes I love love so much I wish I could take it to Vegas for a really naughty weekend. Thank you, thank you. But what makes today particularly special for me--
WILL: (Yelling, off-screen) I don't care who you're divorcing, it doesn't change the fact that you cut me off!
SAM: (Yelling, off-screen) I'm here now! At least I'm making an effort.
JACK: Ok, eyes back to me. 29 years ago--
SAM: (Yelling, off-screen) You called her a cold-hearted bitch.
WILL: (Yelling, off-screen) You're my brother. What was I supposed to do, lie?
JACK: Hey, hey! Pay no attention to the brats behind the curtain. So today, I turn 29, which is so unlike me.
WILL: (Yelling, off-screen) That's a load of crap, and you know it.
SAM: (Yelling, off-screen) How long are --
JACK: (Walking towards Will's bedroom door) It kinda makes you think, doesn't it? (The shouting continues) What have I done with my life? Where have I been? (The shouting continues) Where do I want to go? Well, I have all the answers, and I've written them down in the form of a poem. (Shouting into Will's bedroom) Shut up! (Reading from cards) "'Twas a starlit night in '69, when a boy named Jack arrived divine. So nibble your cheese and sip your wine, for today dear Jack turns 29. 'Twas--"
KAREN: Honey, you were born in '69? You're 30!
JACK: No, I-- (Jack faints.)
SCENE V: Will's apartment
(The party is over. Grace is sitting on the couch in between Will and Sam, holding their hands.)
GRACE: Ok, good. I think we're making progress. We've moved way past the Ginny incident into some very old issues. We've heard about Will getting the better bike... Sam getting the bigger room... Both of you liking Susie Borgeson... And I think we all agree that one's moot. So now, I'm going to take a break 'cause my throat's a little dry. And I'm gonna let you guys take it from here. So no fighting, no biting. Just talk. Relate. (Grace gets up. The boys just sit there.)
GRACE: (Sotto) Oy. Goyim. (The telephone rings.)
WILL: (On the phone) Hello. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jack. Jack, slow down. I know. I know it's hard, but you are. Ja-- Buddy, trust me, you're 30. Hey, cut off your arm and count the rings. You're 30! (Beat) All right, I-I'm on my way over.
GRACE: Is he ok?
WILL: He's talking crazy. Using words like "irritable bowel" and "steady job." I better get over there.
GRACE: Ahem. Will.
WILL: Sam, it was... it was good to see you.
SAM: Yeah, it was. (Long pause.)
GRACE: Make a plan.
SAM: Uh...so, uh, maybe we'll see each other while I'm in town.
WILL: Yeah... I'll call your hotel.
SAM: Yeah, good. (Will exits to the hallway. Grace catches up with him.)
GRACE: Hey. You ok?
WILL: Yeah. I know I threatened to strangle you with a tie, but, uh... I'm glad you made this happen.
GRACE: I aim to meddle. (Will and Grace kiss. Will enters the elevator and Grace re-enters the apartment, which is a disaster.)
GRACE: Oh, my god. This place is a mess. Maybe we should just move.
SAM: I don't know. I kind of like what you got going on here. Sort of early American frat house.
GRACE: Ohh.
SAM: Want some help?
GRACE: Ah, no. That's ok.
SAM: Well, I'm gonna go. I'm really glad you made this happen. Thanks.
GRACE: Me, too. It's really good seeing you again, Sam.
SAM: Good to see you, too, Grace. (Sam and Grace hug and kiss on the cheek. They then kiss each other on the lips, and embrace kissing passionately.)
