SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Grace is making coffee. Will enters from his bedroom.)
GRACE: Good morning.
WILL: Bad morning. I just found a gray chest hair. So depressing. I went to bed young, and I woke up Ari Onassis. (Imitating Ari) Jackie! Get on the boat!
GRACE: You know I'm gonna have to see it.
WILL: Later, when I'm less vulnerable.
GRACE: Will, it's one chest hair.
WILL: I only have 7. I don't like those odds.
GRACE: Listen to me, pops. This isn't about The chest hair. It's about your birthday next week.
WILL: No, it's about the chest hair. Ok, 90% chest hair, 10% birthday.
GRACE: 70% birthday, 30% chest hair.
WILL: 80-20.
GRACE: 60-40.
WILL: 50-50's my final offer.
GRACE: Sold! To the guy in the kitchen. So. What do you want to do this year? I want you to have a fun birthday.
WILL: Grace, you know me. I've never really been that into birthdays.
GRACE: That's not true. I've seen all your home movies. You've had some fun birthdays. Remember the one where your brothers dressed you up in your mom's clothes? That seemed like a fun birthday.
WILL: Yeah. That wasn't a birthday. That was, um... like, a Thursday. So glad my dad captured that one on film. The only worse thing on film is my 8th birthday party. You didn't see this one. I really wanted a cowboy party. You know, like, a cowboy cake? I really loved cowboys. Still do, by the way.
GRACE: You don't have to tell me. I've seen the magazines.
WILL: But, no, no, no. My mom gave me a clown party.
GRACE: Ugh! I hate clowns. They think they're so funny.
WILL: I just fake-smiled my way through the whole thing. And then when I realized there wasn't going to be a cowboy cake, I snuck up to my room and hid.
GRACE: Oh, Will, that's so... "Party of Five." So what do you want to do this year?
WILL: Uh, I don't-- just-- let's go to a restaurant. Nothing big. Something mellow. You, me, and Jack.
GRACE: (Sotto) Uhh...
WILL: What was that?
GRACE: Nothing.
WILL: You made a face.
GRACE: Face?
WILL: Hello! I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.
GRACE: Ok. I don't think Jack likes me.
WILL: Ohh! What are you talking about? Jack loves you.
GRACE: No. Jack loves you. I came along with the deal. See, you're the hamburger, and I'm that little cup of coleslaw. You don't order it, but... pff... there it is on the plate!
WILL: Gracie, all I want for my birthday is for you and Jack to get along.
GRACE: Deal. Let me see it. (Will shows Grace the chest hair) Could be worse.
WILL: How? How could it be worse? (Grace glances down at his crotch) Oh! Come on, Grace, I'm eating breakfast!
SCENE II: Will's office
(Will is present. Jack enters.)
JACK: I need you make a decision for me, and I need you to make it now.
WILL: Don't have the sex change. They never work out. (Jack exits, slamming the door.)
JACK: (Through the door) Say you're sorry.
WILL: Sorry.
JACK: (Re-entering the office) Ok. I've narrowed your birthday festivities down to a couple of choices. Pick one. Drinks and dancing at The Spear.
WILL: Oh, no, no. That bar is pure skank. It's no place to spend my birthday. It's more like a place to spend...your birthday.
JACK: (Picking up the phone) Vicious, party of one. Vicious, party of one. (To Will) Ok, second-- and this is the one I'm really pulling for-- you and me on a gay singles weekend cruise. Kind of a cruise...to cruise.
WILL: Oh, yeah, that's where I want to be-- on a boat in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by a thousand, lonely, sea-sick queens, weeping into their guacamole.
JACK: All right. You know what? That's it. I'm done trying. Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song.
WILL: Jack, don't make a big deal. All I want is a nice little dinner-- Just you and me and Grace.
JACK: Uhh...
WILL: What's that? What's with the face?
JACK: I don't like Grace.
WILL: What are you talking about? You like Grace.
JACK: Yeah, I know. I'm sorta not into her right now.
WILL: Sort of not into her? She's a person, not tandoori chicken. What's the problem?
JACK: Ever since she's moved in, I never get any me time.
WILL: Oh, Jack. All your time is "me time." Can you try to make a little more effort with Grace, please?
JACK: All right, fine. But for the record, I've made an effort. Do you think I really enjoy debating velvet versus velour?
WILL: You love that stuff.
JACK: Hey, I'm not that gay. (Jack exits the office.)
WILL: Yes, you are.
SCENE III: Will's apartment
(Jack, Will, and Grace sitting at the table, drinking coffee. Jack is slurping his coffee. Grace is rattling her teaspoon on the table.)
WILL: It's good coffee. Hmm?
GRACE: Really good.
WILL: Grace... (Puts his hand on Grace's spoon) Jack hates flavored coffees, too.
GRACE: Really?
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Jack, so do I.
JACK: Yeah. Will just told me that a minute ago.
WILL: You know, guys, my birthday's not for a week. Let's save some of the merriment till then, huh? I know what we can do. Let's get Entertainment Weekly and play my favorite new game: Love Her/Hate Him.
JACK: I'm gonna watch TV.
GRACE: You're gonna be missing out. It's a fun game, Jack.
JACK: I know it's fun. I invented it.
GRACE: (Sotto, to Will) You, hamburger. Me, coleslaw.
WILL: Come on, Gracie. It's your turn to be the official page turner/pointer.
GRACE: Ok. (Pointing to the magazine) Jada Pinkett.
WILL: Mmm.
GRACE: Hate her.
WILL: Wow. That's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very--
GRACE: Will, you know the rules. Love or hate, no gray area, just like life.
WILL: Hate her.
GRACE: Good boy.
JACK: (Sarcastic, while flipping channels) This is a fun Friday night.
GRACE: (Pointing) Love her! Love, love, love her!
WILL: Who is it?
GRACE: Are you serious? It's Michelle Kwan.
WILL: Who? Michelle who?
GRACE: Michelle Kwan. Figure skater? Olympic silver medallist?
JACK: (Standing up) Goddess on ice!
GRACE: (To Jack) You like...Michelle Kwan?
JACK: I love her!
GRACE: So! Do! I! She was so robbed at the Olympics!
JACK: Tell me about it!
GRACE: She's a billion times better than Tara Lipinski!
JACK: Don't even get me started with that little witch.
GRACE: She's cocky!
JACK: The cockiest. She's almost as cocky as Surya Bonaly.
GRACE: Oh, my god! The best! Surya Bonaly!
WILL: Who?
JACK and GRACE: Surya Bonaly!
JACK: She's French.
GRACE: She's powerful.
JACK: She's black.
GRACE: She wears blue eye shadow and does illegal backflips.
JACK: She scares me. I crave her...
GRACE: (To Jack) You want a cookie?
JACK: Yeah!
GRACE: Ok.
WILL: Look at you two, huh? I knew you guys would connect. Just didn't think it would be over something as lame as ice skating.
JACK: (Mouth full) Excuse me?
GRACE: (Mouth full) Yeah, excuse me? What's so lame about ice skating?
WILL: Oh...everything. With the sappy music, the chiffon costumes. They put little matching fabric booties over their blades. Grace, I can't believe you're into it.
JACK: Oh, but you can believe I'm into it?! (Will smiles)
SCENE IV: Grace's office
(Grace is on the phone.)
GRACE: (On the phone) Hi. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I'd like a dinner reservation for 3 on Tuesday. It's my best friend's birth-- All booked up? Would it make a difference if I told you my best friend was Demi Moore? (Beat) Believe me, I'm not crazy about her either. Ok. Bye. (Hangs up)
KAREN: (Entering) Hi, honey.
GRACE: Oh. Look who's back from lunch just in time for dinner.
KAREN: Oh, honey, don't tell me. Tell those slow waiters at Barney's. So, honey, what happened? What went on? Who stopped by? What'd I miss?
GRACE: Well, I spent most of the afternoon trying to get a table at a good restaurant for Will's birthday.
KAREN: Honey, did you try Balthazar?
GRACE: Karen, Steak & Brew are spitting at me through the phone. How would I get a table there?
KAREN: Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the... (Pointing)
GRACE: Computer.
KAREN: Or know how to work the... (Pointing)
GRACE: Fax.
KAREN: But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the--
GRACE: Phone.
KAREN: Well, honey, I would have gotten that one. (Dialing the number on the phone. Pointing to Grace's outfit) Honey, what's this? (To phone) Yeah. Who's this? Uh-huh. Well, get me Leonte. Yeah, well, tell him it's Karen Walker. (To Grace) Mm-hmm. Ok. I'm starting to get it. (Karen smacks Grace's butt. To Leonte, on the phone) Oh, yeah. Hi, honey. Listen to me. I need your best table for dinner on...
GRACE: Tuesday.
KAREN: (On the phone) Tuesday.
GRACE: 9:00.
KAREN: (On the phone) 9:00.
GRACE: Three people.
KAREN: Well, thank you, honey. I would love to come. (On the phone) Three.
GRACE: Oh--oh, no. Uh, wait. Will just wanted to have--
KAREN: Problem, honey?
GRACE: Um... Make it 4. Uh, Will's friend Jack may come along as well.
KAREN: Oh, fun. (To the phone) Make it 4. Uh-huh. You, too. Gotta go. Yeah--yeah. Leonte, honey, I'm busy. (Hangs up the phone) The French— (Scoffs) Stinky and muh-uhh-uhh...
SCENE V: Will's office
(Will is reading a newspaper. Grace enters.)
GRACE: Put down the sports page and listen. You're only looking at the pictures anyway.
WILL: That is not true— (Grace tries to grab the newspaper) Hey! I'm a sports fan! I am a sport-- Look here. It says right here that the Steelers lost by 17 points to--to these big guys with the big arms.
GRACE: Guess where we are having dinner on your birthday.
WILL: Gracie, I don't care where we--
GRACE: Balthazar.
WILL: Wow. Caring a little more.
GRACE: Great food! Cute waiters! The oysters you love!
WILL: I love the oysters I love! How did you get us in?
GRACE: Karen! That's why she has to come along with us. (Will makes a face) What? Wh-what's with the face?
WILL: Face?
GRACE: Hello. I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.
WILL: Karen? I mean, I don't really have anything in common with Karen.
GRACE: I'll cancel.
WILL: What am I saying?! It's Balthazar! It'll be great.
GRACE: Cute waiters serving the oysters you love.
WILL: Yeah. Do you suppose I could get the oysters to serve the cute waiters I love?
SCENE VI: Will's apartment
(Grace is at the table. Will is in the kitchen; he carries a carton of milk to Grace.)
WILL: Smell this. Is it bad? (Gives Grace the milk.)
GRACE: (Smelling the milk) It's got 12 more hours.
WILL: How can you know that?
GRACE: It's a gift. (Jack enters and runs to Grace.)
JACK: (To Grace) You are so gonna be loving me. You, me, Will, Karen, Madison Square Garden, "Champions on Ice."
GRACE: No.
JACK: Yes.
GRACE: No!
JACK: Yes!
GRACE: Oh, my god! OH! (Jumps into Jack’s arms, straddling him) Champions on Ice! Oh, my god! I've always wanted to go! No!
JACK: Yes! How much are you loving me right now?!
GRACE: A lot! When?! When?! When?!
JACK: Tuesday night!
GRACE: Oh, my god! Tuesday night?! Yes! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! No! No, wait. No. We can't go Tuesday night. It's Will's birthday.
JACK: He doesn't care. He just wants us to get along. Plus, it's a chance to see Rudy Galindo in tights!
GRACE: No. I don't want to force Will to do something he doesn't want to do.
WILL: Grace, we can go. I don't care.
GRACE: No, sweetie. It's ok. It's not that big a deal.
WILL: Not that big a deal? You just jumped into Jack's arms. Last time a woman did that-- A woman has never done that.
GRACE: Really, Will? You're sure? And we can go to Balthazar's right after?
WILL: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: Oh, my god. Thank you. (Hugs and kisses Will) Thank you. Thank you. Whoo! You're sure?
WILL: Yes! Yes, we're going. You, me, Jack, Karen, The Ice Capades.
GRACE and JACK: Champions on Ice!
WILL: Sorry.
SCENE VII: Madison Square Garden, Champions on Ice
(Karen, Will, Grace, and Jack enter the stands. Grace is wearing a Surya Bonaly shirt. jack is wearing a Rudy Galindo shirt.)
KAREN: Well, this is a far cry from Balthazar. Who do I have to tip to get out? (To the people in their row) Move! Legs! Legs! Move!
JACK: I'm here! I can't believe I'm here. It's all so wonderful.
WILL: Pace yourself, Dorothy. It's the Zamboni machine. (Karen, Will, Grace, and Jack sit down in their seats) Where's the popcorn guy? We're not gonna eat for 2 hours, I need popcorn.
KAREN: (To Will) Well, happy birthday.
WILL: Thanks.
KAREN: Here we are. Ha.
WILL: Yeah. Here we are.
KAREN: Happy birth-- Oh, we covered that. So, how old are you?
WILL: How old are you?
KAREN: (While glaring at Will) Grace, honey, how we doing over there?
GRACE: I'm doing great. Will, are you ok? Can you see?
WILL: Much as I need to. I don't want to get too close, I might get sequin blindness.
JACK: Hey! It's a sport. People win medals, huh? I'd like to see you do a double axel, double loop, double lutz, Mr. Man.
WILL: Oh, there he is. (To the vendor) Popcorn!
KAREN: Lord, look at these people. (Holds up thumb and index finger to her forehead) Losers! (To a fat lady, sitting next to her and glaring) Not you, heh-heh. (Karen opens her bag and pulls out a champagne bottle and a glass.)
GRACE: Karen, you brought champagne? What are you doing? You don't drink at Champions on Ice.
KAREN: Honey, don't think of it as drinking. Think of it as mommy's little cotton candy.
GRACE: Will, you don't look like you're having fun.
WILL: What are you talking about? I'm having a great time. Champions on Ice. (Standing up, shouting) Whoo! Let's kick some butt! (Sitting down) What? You said it was a sport.
KAREN: Will, honey, maybe a couple of belts of champagne will create the illusion that you're having fun.
WILL: Excuse me, I'm fine. Really, I just want a little popcorn. (Music begins to play over the P.A.)
WILL: (To the vendor) Hey, popcorn!
GRACE: Oh, my god. I'm getting chills.
WILL: Here he comes. (To the vendor) Hey! Excuse me! (To Karen) Eh, He didn't hear me.
KAREN: Honey, I don't care.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome the Champions on Ice.
JACK: Whoo!
GRACE: Whoo!
JACK: There they are, skating in the dark.
GRACE: I think I see Surya.
JACK: (Gasps) Don't tease me.
ANNOUNCER: 2-time Olympic silver medallist, Elvis Stojko!
WILL: (Drowned out by cheering crowd) Popcorn!
GRACE: Look at him! You wear those leather pants, Elvis!
ANNOUNCER: And United States Champion, Rudy Galindo!
WILL: (To the vendor) Hey! (Drowned out by cheering crowd) Buddy!
JACK: He's my hero! He's the gay one!
KAREN: One?!
JACK: Up here, Rudy! Whoo-hoo!
KAREN: Will, you don't seem like you're into this ice crap, either.
WILL: Not particularly, but... Grace and Jack love it so much, I just wanted them to have a good time.
KAREN: But, honey, it's your birthday. (Hands him champagne bottle) How about now?
WILL: Ok, now.
(Cut to the same scene, later. Slow piano piece plays. Jack and Grace are crying, captivated by the show. Will and Karen are drinking champagne, bored.)
WILL: Yep. We get it, Surya. You can skate. (To Karen) How much longer is Champions on Ice?
KAREN: You mean, "Endless on Ice?"
WILL: Pretty soon, I'd better be looking at some oysters on ice. I'm starving.
KAREN: (Shouting, to Surya) Skate faster! We have reservations!
GRACE: (To Will) You're hating this, aren't you? Do you want to just go?
WILL: No, no, no. You guys are having fun. That's all I want. That and maybe a little... (Yelling) Popcorn!
GRACE: Are you sure? Because if you're not having— (The audience stands up, cheering; To Jack) What? What? Did I miss the back flip?
JACK: No, no. Triple toe, Double loop. No flip yet. Maybe she won't do it.
GRACE: No. She's gonna do it. She didn't come all the way from France to not flip.
VENDOR: Popcorn!
WILL: (To the vendor) Yes! Popcorn! I've been calling you for like an hour.
VENDOR: Oh, so you were the one. I thought it was the 49,000 other people that are in here.
KAREN: (To the vendor) You don't have any brie and crackers in that thing, do you, honey?
VENDOR: I'm warming your brie right now, lady.
KAREN: (Scoffs) Vendors.
WILL: (Eating the popcorn) Oh, this is, like, ancient. It's typical. Yeah. My birthday. Can't get what I want. Never do. (To Karen) One year, I wanted this cool red fire engine. My mother got me a water wiggle. Decided it would be more fun to slip 'n' slide. More fun for who?
JACK: Backflip. Backflip!
JACK: Whoo! (Jumps up.)
GRACE: Yaa! (Jumps up, knocking the popcorn out of Will's hand.)
JACK: Oh...
GRACE: Oh... God, she faked us out.
WILL: Hello! You just knocked the popcorn out of my hand!
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'll get you another one. (Yelling) Popcorn!
WILL: I don't want another popcorn. I want that popcorn.
GRACE: (Yelling) Popcorn!
JACK: Grace. Grace, she's gonna do it.
WILL: It took me 2 hours to get that guy's attention.
JACK: Grace.
WILL: It is my birthday. You think I could get a little attention on my birthday.
GRACE: Will--
JACK: Grace! (The audience stands up, cheering)
GRACE: Oh! (Stands up.)
JACK: Whoo! (Stands up.)
GRACE and JACK: (Together, dancing) Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
GRACE: Ok, and where did her legs go? Over her head! (Turning to Will) Ok, you have to admit that was pretty d-- Will? (To Karen) Where did Will go?
KAREN: Oh, he left, honey.
GRACE: He left?! (Picking up her coat to leave after him.)
JACK: (To Grace) What, are you insane? You're gonna miss Rudy!
KAREN: (To Grace) Honey! Where are you going? Don't leave me here with these ice freaks! (To the fat lady sitting next to her) Honey, this shirt on you is heaven. It's....
SCENE VIII: Will's apartment, the balcony
(Will is sitting on the Balcony. Grace enters the apartment, looking for Will.)
GRACE: (Off screen) Will? Will? (Entering balcony) All right, so I think I got it now. When I ask and you say ok, and then I ask and you say ok, and then I ask and you say ok, it's really a cue to me to know it's not ok.
WILL: You see how easy it is?
GRACE: All right, Just so we're clear. You're insane.
WILL: I must be. Every year I end up doing what I don't want to do in order to make everybody else happy. I'm still an 8-year-old. An 8-year-old with gray chest hair.
GRACE: One. One gray chest hair.
WILL: Actually none. I tweezed it this morning. It was taunting me.
JACK: (Off screen) Hello! Hello? (Grace and Will enter the apartment from the balcony) Hi, guys. Yeah, I just came by to get my-- oh, here it is-- Entertainment Weekly magazine. Yeah. (Looking at his shirt) Oh, my god, what is that? A Rudy Galindo autograph? Well, I'll be a rat's ass. How did that get there?
WILL: What'd you do, sign it yourself?
JACK: I didn't have to.
RUDY GALINDO: (Entering from the hall) Should I wait downstairs or what?
GRACE: Oh, my god. Rudy Galindo.
JACK: Rudy and I are gonna go for coffee and, um...
RUDY GALINDO: (To Will) Oh, happy birthday. (Sotto, to Jack) He does not look 46.
JACK: A lotta work. (Jack and Rudy exit.)
WILL: Well, another memorable birthday for the books. Good night.
GRACE: Excuse me, mister, but your birthday's not over yet. Now, what did you tell me you wanted more than anything when you were a little boy? (Opening the refrigerator)
WILL: You don't have a "Josie and the Pussycats" lunchbox in there, do you?
GRACE: (Pulling a cake from the refrigerator) Happy birthday, partner.
WILL: My cowboy cake! Look at him! (Picking up a candy cowboy)
GRACE: Do ya love it?
WILL: I love it so much I'm gonna sleep with it.
GRACE: Whatever gets you through the night.
WILL: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: You know... you're not 8 years old anymore. You can ask for what you really want.
WILL: All right. Next year...
GRACE: Mm-hmm?
WILL: I want a real cowboy.
