SCENE I : Will's Apartment
(WILL is in the Kitchen, GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: Hi.
GRACE: (PICKING UP THE DRINK ON THE TABLE) Oh...yum. Give me some.
WILL: Grace, don't, eee--
GRACE: Oh, god. That's disgusting! What is that?
WILL: Fruit shake.
GRACE: What fruit is gray?
WILL: Pears.
GRACE: What? (SEES CAN ON KITCHEN COUNTER) Ohh.
WILL: Oh, for--
GRACE: Ohh, Mondo Fuel? You're trying to bulk up.
WILL: No, it's a dietary supplement.
GRACE: No, it's not. (AHNOLD ACCENT) You want ze big arms, so you can get ze big mens and lure them into your den of zum-zum.
WILL: Ok. Thank you very much. That'll be enough, Grace.
GRACE: Oh, my god, what's happening?
WILL: What?
GRACE: Your buttons are popping. Your shirt is ripping. You're hulking up, You're turning green. (SCREAMING) Aah!
WILL: Ok, thank you. Excuse me, this happens to be good for you. (READING LABEL) Oh, my god. It says it also grows breast tissue. You want to give it a try?
GRACE: Ha ha ha ha ha. You know, I thought I knew everything about you, but you're a mystery... wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by enigma, growing boobies.
WILL: Anyway, how are you?
GRACE: I'm ok. Karen's going on vacation, so I need to find an assistant for the week.
WILL: Karen files her nails and thumbs through catalogs all day. What's she going to do on a vacation? I guess office work....
(JACK enters, wearing an space alien costume, carrying a mask and a toy ray gun.)
WILL: Oh, my god.
JACK: Look, don't. It's too easy. Just give me something to wear, 'cause I can't walk another block in this Klingon suit.
WILL: You want us to not make fun of you looking like that? That would be... (IMITATING MR. SPOCK) illogical.
GRACE: Sit, alien cater-waiter. Tell us of your pain.
JACK: Brandon Schwartz's Starfleet bar mitzvah. The decor: U.S.S. Enterprise. The menu: intergalactic kosher. Not to mention one of the little Borgs barfed all over my clothes.
WILL: (IMITATING MR. SPOCK) Captain, after closer examination, I believe I have identified the life form as...gaylien.
GRACE: We come in peace. Please do not rearrange our furniture.
JACK: Uh, you know what? (SHOOTS THE RAY GUN AND GETS UP TO LEAVE) Good-bye.
WILL: Ok, ok, we'll stop.
JACK: No, you won't, because you can't help yourself. You were born bitter, nasty, mean-spirited, and, of course, chunky. And Grace, you're not much better. You're a follower without an ounce of decency.
GRACE: Jack, do you want to work in my office for a week?
JACK: Although you have the ability to change, and that's what I've always liked about you.
GRACE: Karen's going on vacation for a week. I need someone to help out with the phones.
JACK: Hours?
GRACE: Minimal.
JACK: Dental?
GRACE: Lunch.
JACK: Yeah. I think we can work something out.
GRACE: Great. (JACK AND GRACE SHAKE HANDS)
WILL: Oh, you girls are going to have a ball, braiding each other's hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz.
JACK: Oh, you mean, like, "How to tell if your best friend's a bitch?" Yeah, I already took it. You are.
SCENE II: Will's Office
(WILL is working at this desk, when the intercom buzzes.)
WILL'S SECRETARY (VOICE OVER INTERCOM): Karen Walker's here to see you.
WILL: You're kidding. Send her in.
KAREN: (TO THE OFFICE) Oh, of course he is. As a 3-dollar bill, honey. (TO WILL) Did she just fall off the boat or what?
WILL: Karen, what are you doing here, besides outing me to the front office?
KAREN: Well, first of a-- Oh, well-- (POINTING TO WALLS) The green? No. The law books are kind of cute, though. And you work in a basement? Honey, you've got to move up from the street. Otherwise you're sitting around all day watching bad shoes go by. (POINTING TO WINDOW) See? Nine West.
WILL: I love this office. Ok, I mean, look at these moldings. This place has historical significance. You know they filmed Serpico just-- Why am I defending my building? Karen, what do you want?
KAREN: Well, what I want-- Is for you to get a new rug! Oh, honey. It's too busy, it's shoddy, I'm thinking of leaving my husband, and-- Oh, those window treatments!
WILL: What? What?
KAREN: Bamboo? This is a law firm, not the tiki-tiki room. Honey--
WILL: Karen. Forget the blinds. Your husband? What's happening with you and Stan?
KAREN: Well, we were just about to get on our plane to go black-pearl shopping in Bora Bora, when, all of a sudden, I looked at Stan, and it dawned on me, marriage shouldn't be this much work.
WILL: Karen, I'm a corporate attorney. What you need is a good divorce lawyer, or, perhaps, just a good pharmacist.
KAREN: The nastiness comes so easily to your people. Come on, Will. Don't patronize me. I know exactly what kind of lawyer you are: an obscure one. And that's why I need you. I have to find out about Stan's corporate holdings without him knowing.
WILL: Really? This is so... Alexis Carrington.
KAREN: Come on. Look, I'm serious. The thing is, I'm starting to feel as if I don't own my own husband anymore.
WILL: You mean you don't know your own husband anymore.
KAREN: Well, that's what I just said, honey.
WILL: No, you s-- You said "own."
KAREN: No, I said "I feel like I don't own my own, like I don't, like I--" Oh, all right, ding, ding, ding. You win on Jeopardy, smart guy. Now, when does the attorney-client privilege kick in?
WILL: Well, as soon as the client gives the attorney a check, but-- I don't know, Karen, me as your lawyer? -- (KAREN HANDS HIM A CHECK) Me as your lawyer. Consider it done.
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(GRACE is at her desk. JACK is at KAREN's desk.)
JACK: Ok, here's something that you probably don't know about Will. In elementary school, Will secretly loved the book--
GRACE: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. Yeah, we bonded over it in college.
JACK: Ok, well, did you know that Will... (MAKING PLUCKING MOTIONS WITH HIS EYEBROWS)
GRACE: Uh, please, the day you know more about Will than I do, is the day I gladly kiss your butt. Here, do me a favor. Sort these tassels.
JACK: Do you want me to sort them by color? By size?
(A DELIVERY MAN ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BOX.)
GRACE: By 5:00. Oh, you want to be useful? Help the man standing behind you with the big package.
JACK: Grace, don't tease me.
(GRACE POINTS TO THE DELIVERY MAN)
JACK: (TO DELIVERY MAN) Hello.
DELIVERY MAN: Grace Adler Design?
JACK: I'll sign for it.
(JACK SIGNS FOR THE PACKAGE)
DELIVERY MAN: Uh, just your name, sir. I don't need your phone number.
JACK: Don't be so sure...sir.
GRACE: Jack? Jack? Jack! Hi. Can you put that in the back, please? Thank you.
(JACK takes box to the swatch room and throws it with a thudding clunk.)
JACK: Wow, tell me that guy did not look exactly like Steven.
GRACE: Who's Steven?
JACK: Will's Steven.
GRACE: Will doesn't have a Steven.
JACK: Well, not anymore, but, you know... Oh. You don't know who Steven is. (TOSSING TASSEL ON THE FLOOR) Oops, butterfingers. (BENDING OVER TO PICK UP TASSEL, WIGGLING HIS BUTT) I guess one shouldn't make any promises they can't keep. (STILL BENT OVER) With love in your heart and a smile on your face.
GRACE: Jack, just tell me who Steven is.
JACK: (STILL BENT OVER) I'm waiting.
GRACE: 2 bucks more an hour.
JACK: (STANDING UP) I'm talking. Steven was a guy at his old law firm. They had a little fling last summer while he was still seeing Michael, and let me just say Hottie...McHot. Ssss...
GRACE: Last summer?
JACK: Yeah, he used to call him a "client." That was his code word. I'm having dinner with a "client." I'm drawing up some briefs for a "client." Oh-ho, there were some briefs involved... but he wasn't drawing 'em up.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL working at table. GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Hey.
WILL: Hi.
GRACE: Ready to hear what I have planned for us tonight? First of all, I'm putting aside all of my food issues, so get ready. Tonight we eat wheat.
WILL: So...working with Jack. How long did it take before he took one of your silk drapery panels and wore it like a sarong? Why are you looking at me like that?
GRACE: I know what you did last summer.
WILL: Pardon?
GRACE: The movie. I rented it. I Know What You Did Last Summer.
WILL: Oh, I see.
GRACE: And An Affair to Remember...with The Client. What do you think?
WILL: I think all the good movies were taken. I think you're also going to have to watch them alone.
GRACE: Why? Where you going?
WILL: Ah, I got to meet with a client.
GRACE: A what?
WILL: (POINTING TO THE VIDEO) A client.
GRACE: At 9:00 at night?
WILL: Yeah, it's the only time we could both do it.
GRACE: Who is it?
WILL: It's just a client. It's a new client. I'll see you in the morning. Oh, and, uh, go easy on the wheat, huh? I don't want to come home and find you lying on the floor clutching the phone with your finger on the 9.
(WILL exits. GRACE grabs phone and speed dials her office.)
GRACE: (TO PHONE) Jack. Good, you're still there.
JACK: (OVER PHONE) Yeah. I'm still waiting for that package. Grace, where did you get these drapery panels?
GRACE: Um, Emerald Fabric. Why?
(CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE: JACK IS WEARING THE DRAPES LIKE A SARONG.)
JACK: No reason. So, uh, what did Will say when you asked him about Steven?
GRACE: Well, I never got to ask him about that client. Why? Because he has a new client.
JACK: What are you talking about?
GRACE: Oh, like you don't know. He's seeing someone, Jack. I can't believe you kept this from me.
JACK: I didn't know anything about it. No, no, no. It's got to be something else. Besides, the odds are against him. He's only been with 5 people in the last 8 years. He's like a humpback whale... Without the hump.
GRACE: Oh, my god. So what could it be? I mean, what could it be that--that he didn't tell you and he didn't tell me? It must be something he didn't want us to know.
JACK: Good work, Nancy Drew. Let's meet up at Old Mystery Creek!
GRACE: Jack, just get over here now, and lose the drapes. I can hear the fabrics rustling through the phone.
SCENE V: The Astor Cafe
(WILL and KAREN finishing dinner.)
WILL: Can I, uh, can I talk to you for a minute as if we were friends?
KAREN: Oh, honey...
WILL: I know, I know. I give you a hard time, and I make jokes about how you never do any work.
KAREN: Well, it's funny because it's true.
WILL: I know. Karen, If you're set on divorce, I can help you with that, but it's going to take an emotional toll.
KAREN: Oh, I don't know, Will. I mean, in a lot of ways, I have a very good life. A home in the city, a home in the country, a boat, jewelry, art, cars, a chef, a trainer, an ass-kicking wardrobe--
WILL: Yeah, I get it. How is the woman inside the ass-kicking wardrobe?
KAREN: 9% body fat, and a little bit lost. Oh, Will, I don't know what it takes to make a good relationship.
WILL: Ah, well, I'm no expert, but the key relationships in my life are based on communication and trust.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is throwing stuff from the shelves onto the floor. JACK has arrived.)
GRACE: What is he hiding? What could be so bad? Why doesn't he trust me?
JACK: I don't know. Maybe it's because you're rifling through his stuff? Don't get me wrong. I do this all the time. You're just never here when it happens. Oh, don't worry. Your room: (SING-SONG) boring. (NORMAL VOICE) So, tell me again what we're looking for.
GRACE: Something that spells doom.
(JACK OPENS THE COOKIE JAR AND GASPS.)
GRACE: What?
JACK: He ate all the mallomars.
GRACE: Oh, my god.
JACK: He's stress eating. He's eating because... [SNAP] His business is folding.
GRACE: You think his business is folding?
JACK: Well, it all makes sense. I mean, he actually asked me when I was going to pay back the $25,000.
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no. That he would tell me. It has to be something worse. God, what is he keeping from me? (GASPS) Oh, my god. It's drugs. It's drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me. Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
JACK: You know what else he wouldn't tell either of us? If he's sick. (BOTH GASP) He needs a kidney! Oh, my god. He needs a kidney. Not that I would give him a kidney, but I'd like to be asked.
GRACE: Jack, go check his bedroom.
JACK: Ok, what am I looking for?
GRACE: Doom.
JACK: Ha, I'll start with his bed. (EXITS TO BEDROOM AND THEN RETURNS, WEARING WILL'S JACKET) Aha! I found something.
GRACE: What?
JACK: Will's new jacket. I'm swimming in it, but loving the fabric.
GRACE: I don't think there's anything here.
JACK: Oh, no wonder it's so bulky. His day planner's in here. Ha. (THROWS DAY PLANNER ON TABLE.)
GRACE: This is wrong.
JACK: You think we should put it away?
GRACE: No. It's the wrong month. Ok, here it is. He's having dinner at the Astor Cafe with "K."
JACK: "K?" Kidney! But he wouldn't be having dinner with one.
GRACE: The Astor Cafe... No, I can't.
JACK: You could.
GRACE: I won't.
JACK: You will.
GRACE: You're right.
JACK: Yes!
SCENE VII: The Astor Cafe
(WILL and KAREN having coffee.)
WILL: Seems like, in spite of everything, you're still in love with your husband.
KAREN: Well, I guess in a lot of ways I'm kind of like a younger, much more beautiful version of Leona Helmsley. First, you marry for money, and then, you find yourself loving the old coot. Then he drops dead, and you get the money anyway. It's a win-win.
WILL: My heart is full.
KAREN: Oh, honey, give me your phone. I want to call Stan right this minute. (WILL HANDS KAREN HIS CELL PHONE.)
(GRACE ENTERS THE LOBBY.)
GRACE (TRYING TO LOOK OVER THE PEOPLE IN THE LOBBY): Head. Head. Head.
MAITRE D': Can I help you?
GRACE: No, no, I'm just here to see someone.
MAITRE D': You need a reservation.
GRACE: To see someone?
MAITRE D': We like to protect our patrons.
GRACE: What do you think I'm going to do? Run around the dining room and oversalt their food?
KAREN: (TO STAN, ON PHONE) Who's my puppy, huh? Ha ha ha. Who's my naughty, naughty little puppy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wag that tail. That's right. Wag it. (GASPS) Uh-oh. Oh, I know a very, very bad naughty puppy who's going to have to go back on his leash. Ha ha.
WILL: (TO WAITER) Excuse me, could I get the check... and an airlift out of here?
KAREN: (TO STAN, ON PHONE) Oh, Stan, I'm going to have to call you back. I'm getting another call, But I'll see you later. Mm-hmm. Start doing your sit-ups. Ha ha. (TO WILL) Here, honey, you got a call, and I have to go, uh, reapply. (GETS UP, GIVES PHONE TO WILL, AND LEAVES TO BATHROOM.)
WILL (ON PHONE): Hello?
GRACE (TO WILL, ON PHONE): Hi. It's me. Um, I just wanted to know if there was, you know, anything that you wanted to tell me.
WILL (TO GRACE, ON PHONE): What are you talking about?
GRACE (ON PHONE): Will, you're hiding something from me. What is it?
WILL (ON PHONE): How much wheat did you have?
GRACE (ON PHONE): Why didn't you tell me about Steven?
WILL (ON PHONE): Steven?!
GRACE (ON PHONE): Yes. I had to find out from-- (THE PHONE DISCONNECTS) Oh. Damn it. Oh, god. That's the last time I buy a phone to get a free pair of pantyhose. (THROWS PHONE. PICKS UP THE RESTAURANT PHONE AND CALLS WILL.)
(WILL's cell phone rings)
WILL (ANSWERING PHONE): Hello?
GRACE (ON PHONE): Keeping secrets is not in our rule book. I know all about "K." Well, actually, I don't know all about "K." Actually, I don't know anything about "K." Who's "K?" Shoot. Hold on. (CLICK) Hello? What? No, I don't-- Wait a minute. (LOOKING IN RESERVATION BOOK) No, we're all booked up, but it looks like we have an opening at 10:00. (WRITING) Bogner for 2. (BEAT) Window seat? Don't push it. (CLICK) Will?
WILL (ON PHONE): I am in the middle of dinner.
GRACE (ON PHONE): No, you're not. You're already on coffee.
WILL (ON PHONE): Ok, so I'm on cof-- Where are you?
GRACE (ON PHONE): It's a secret. Now tell me, how does that make you feel?
WILL (ON PHONE): Like a sorority girl in a bad slasher movie. Where are you?
GRACE (ON PHONE): Let's just put it this way: The call is coming from inside the house. (WAVING TO WILL.)
WILL (ON PHONE): Grace, you cannot be here right now. Go home.
GRACE (ON PHONE): No.
WILL (ON PHONE): Go home!
GRACE (ON PHONE): No.
WILL (ON PHONE): Go--
GRACE (ON PHONE): No.
WILL: (TO MAITRE D') Excuse me, would you mind having that crazed redhead removed? Listen to me. I'm Ricky Ricardo.
MAITRE D': I'll take care of it, Mr. Ricardo.
WILL: No-- Excuse me. Look, this is insane. Let her in, please.
GRACE: Ok, what is it? Do you need a lung? I have two. Pick one. Just no more secrets.
WILL: Grace, I tell you everything.
GRACE: Who is "K?"
WILL: I can't tell you.
KAREN (ENTERING FROM THE BATHROOM): Grace, what are you doing here? Honey, what happened to you? You look like an unmade bed.
GRACE: Karen, you're supposed to be on vacation.
WILL: Grace, I'd like you to meet my client, "K."
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is in the Kitchen. WILL enters.)
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: Let me just fill you in on the rest of my evening, you know, just so you don't think I'm keeping anything from you.
GRACE: Will--
WILL: Uh, on the way home I bought a pretzel from a vendor-- I think his name was Luba-- and I scraped off about half the salt.
GRACE: Come on.
WILL Then I was in the bookstore, and I was absent-mindedly thumbing through Marilu Henner's Guide to Life. It was in the bargain bin. You know, she has been able to do the splits since she was 5, and bunions are her personal hell.
GRACE: I get the point.
WILL: Then, when I was almost home, I thought I recognized someone in the street, so I--I sort of half waved, but then it wasn't who I thought it was, so I--I pretended to scratch my ear. Just so you know.
GRACE: Enough already.
WILL: What's the deal, Grace? I mean, so I don't tell you about Steven. It was a stupid affair. I wasn't particularly proud of it, and I knew if I told you, I'd have to really examine it, when I really just wanted it to go away.
GRACE: But, will, if I think you're hiding something, I'm always going to think that you're hiding something that's much bigger than it really is.
WILL: Why? Why would you think that?
GRACE: Because I don't want you to tell me that you're gay again.
WILL: What?
GRACE: When we were in college, and at Christmas break you told me you were gay... everything changed.
WILL: Of course it changed. My whole life changed.
GRACE: So did mine. Look, everything worked out, but I guess I'm just still waiting for you to... change my world with your next big secret.
WILL: You almost said "rock my world," didn't you?
GRACE: Maybe.
WILL: Gracie, coming out of the closet is something you only do once in life, you know? It's like being born or watching Magic Johnson's talk show. I promise, no more big surprises.
GRACE: Good.
WILL: Well, the-- there is one more I should tell you about... I'm pregnant.
