SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are at the table, eating.)
GRACE: Mmm! Mmm! This is good. Basil...
WILL: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: Garlic...
WILL: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: Ooh. Not liking this.
WILL: Coriander.
GRACE: Scary spice.
WILL: Yeah. So Harlin's up again from Texas, and guess what he did today.
GRACE: Trapped a possum and ate it live?
WILL: Yes, actually. I'm trying his recipe. He bought an apartment on the Upper East Side, and guess what. He needs a decorator. Oh, and guess what? It's you.
GRACE: No, Will, no. Uh-uh.
WILL: Why not? Come on. He needs our help. He's separating from his wife, and I think he's looking for a change.
GRACE: Tell him to wear socks. Huh?
WILL: Beep beep beep! Oh, look! It's the money truck backing up. Keep going. Grace doesn't want any. Thank you.
GRACE: Ok. You know what this would be, don't you? Sophomore year in college. You set me up with your T.A., remember? You wanted it to be so perfect, you told me what to say, what to order, what base I could go to.
WILL: What base did you get to?
GRACE: Second. Oh, come on, Will. He was a T.A.
WILL: So, "T," but no "A."
GRACE: Hello! Not the point. The point is, I know you. You'll butt in.
WILL: I won't.
GRACE: Oh, but, sweetie, you will. He's your biggest client. I know you just want everyone to be happy, but you can't help yourself. You've got a problem.
WILL: What? It's a bad habit. For god's sake, I can control myself.
GRACE: You know, Betty Ford set up a nice little place in the desert based on that very statement.
WILL: Grace, I won't butt in. Grace, come on, do it. It'll be a piece of cake. Harlin is a man of few words. Here's how it'll go: (IMITATING HARLIN) "Howdy. I love it. Here's your check."
GRACE: Why is this so important to you?
WILL: I'm a matchmaker. I like to help people, people--
GRACE: You already promised him.
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Oh, I don't know, Will. Ok. Ok, Will, but here are the rules. This is between Harlin and me. You set it up, and you walk away. You're just the pimp.
WILL: Great. Now I've got to get a big-ass hat and shoes with live fish in the heels.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL is present. JACK enters.)
JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, Jack McFarland!
WILL: Jack, shut up. Grace is asleep.
JACK: Well, wake her up! I've got big news! I was walking down the street the other day, and I got to thinking, what is it that I do best? This is not a place for you to respond. And then it came to me clear as a bell. Jack, you have a special gift that you're not sharing. Also not a point of entry.
WILL: Ok, Jack, what is it? What is the special gift? Please tell me before the anticipation builds to a terrifying frenzy.
JACK: Are you done? Wait, wait. Let me rephrase that. Um... You're done. The thing that I do best, and I'm talking really fast so you can't interrupt, is...sing.
WILL: Sing.
JACK: Yes. I have a beautiful singing voice.
WILL: Yes, you do, actually. It's beautiful.
JACK: So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
WILL: Forward?
JACK: This guy, lemme tell ya... Thursday night, downtown at the duplex. Be there, be blown away.
WILL: What are you talking about? You're not a performer.
JACK: I am now. Me, a piano, and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack." Here's my flyer. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."
WILL: Why one night-- oh. It's open mike night.
JACK: Bring Grace... Or a date. Ha ha, I'm just kidding.
WILL (READING FLYER): "A roller coaster ride of emotions." Who said that?
JACK: A critic... Ok. My shrink.
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk filing her nails as JACK enters.)
JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Just Jack! (SINGING) Touch me in the mornin' ...
KAREN: Honey, I'm busy. Touch yourself.
JACK: Busy? Oh, that's right because in the office of Karen world, that's considered filing.
KAREN: Oh, I forgot. You're kind of funny. All right. I'll talk to you. Honey, what are you doing? Why are you here? What's that?
JACK: This is the flyer for my nightclub act. You have to come.
KAREN: Why? Who's gonna be there?
JACK: Well, let me remember who's on the guest list. The King of-- I'm gonna be there! Moi! Come on! Is that not enough for you? Oh, come on. Please come. Please, please, please, please, please? I'll be your best friend.
KAREN: Honey, I don't really do that.
(JACK SIGHS)
KAREN: All right! What time?
JACK: The magic starts at 10:00. Bring someone. Oh, let me show you my entrance.
KAREN: Oh, no. No, no, no. Honey, you don't just saunter out like that. You're not Merv Griffin. Come back tomorrow, and we'll work on it, ok?
JACK: Karen, you can't just devastate me and kick me out. You're not my lover.
KAREN: Honey, reel it in.
JACK: All right, fine. I'm leaving flyers. Give them to friends.
KAREN: Yeah, right.
(JACK goes to leave as HARLIN enters. JACK gives HARLIN a flyer.)
HARLIN (READING FLYER): "Just...Jack"?
JACK: The magic starts at 10:00. (JACK EXITS.)
HARLIN (TO KAREN): Huh. Was that a proposition?
KAREN: No. That was just...Jack.
HALRAN: I'm Harlin Polk. I'm supposed to meet Grace.
KAREN: I'm Karen Walker. I'm supposed to be Grace's assistant.
HARLIN: Well, you don't strike me as the assistant type.
KAREN: Well, honey, behave yourself, and I won't have to strike you at all. Go on, honey, sit down. Grace'll be here in a minute.
HARLIN: I notice you have one of those flyers. You goin'?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm always goin'.
(GRACE and WILL enter.)
GRACE: Hi. Oh, Harlin, hi. You're here. Good. Will just showed me your apartment and I love it.
WILL: She loved it!
GRACE: Yeah. I've got a lot of ideas. We can go color. Earth tones, minimal, ethnic melange. Now, let me apologize right now for my brazen use of the word "melange."
WILL: Ha ha! Melange is a French term that designers use it means sort of a whole--
GRACE: Will, don't you have some fish in your shoes to feed?
WILL: Absolutely. Gotta go and, uh, feed my shoes.
GRACE: That's just a thing Will and I...you probably didn't get...
HARLIN: Oh, darlin', whatever I don't get, I just figure is gay.
GRACE: Ok.
SCENE IV: Harlin's Apartment
(GRACE is running around carrying a skull.)
GRACE: Ok. If I were an animal skull, where would I want to be?
(A knock on the door. GRACE opens the door.)
GRACE: Oh. Hang on, Harlin. Harlin, hi.
HARLIN: Howdy. Well, let's, let's take a look.
GRACE: Ok. Will?
WILL: Hi. Sorry. Grace, at some point, that dog needed water.
GRACE: Will, what are you doing here?
WILL: Don't get mad. He asked me to come.
GRACE: Fine, but not one word.
WILL: Just the pimp.
HARLIN: Look at this!
GRACE: I've only done the living room, but this should give you an idea of the direction I'm going. It's Texas meets New York. It's Ralph Lauren meets cowboy chic. It's Dances with Wolves... and deer and cows and one very small armadillo.
WILL: Whoa! Uh...saddle. You see, "whoa!"
GRACE: Harlin, take a seat. Feel the leather on this couch, huh?
WILL: You know, Grace, I love the way you got the turquoise vases over the top of the armoire.
GRACE: What?
WILL: You know, the way they're over the top. Grace...
GRACE: And these pillows. Look at these pillows. Don't they just say, "rrrr!" Maybe you don't speak pillow, but trust me, that's what they say. Ha ha ha ha!
WILL: I think Grace would agree with me when I say that this is an extreme version of an idea that Grace will now distill into a more refined, elegant essence.
GRACE: No, Will, actually, I wouldn't agree with that at all.
WILL: Oh.
GRACE: [TO HARLIN] And you can see what I've done over here.
WILL: Ow!
GRACE: What now?
WILL: I'm sorry. I was gored by the comfy chair.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is at the table eating a whole cheesecake as WILL enters.)
WILL: Hi. What are you doing?
GRACE: Sublimating my rage towards you with cheesecake. You just couldn't help yourself. You did exactly what you said you weren't gonna do. I mean, what was that all about?
WILL: What was that apartment all about? I mean, could you have been more insulting? It looked like Gene Autry exploded in there.
GRACE: I didn't design it for you, Will. I did it for a 6'4" man from Texas. If I was doing young gay lawyer, it'd be deco with fear-based bitchy wallpaper.
WILL: I know Harlin.
GRACE: Yeah, and I know design. If you called me at work and I wasn't there, the answering machine would say, "Grace Adler Designs." If you opened my purse, my business card would say "Grace Adler Designs." Seems like the only person who doesn't know Grace Adler designs is her best friend. Let me introduce myself. I'm Grace Adler. I design!
WILL: Wow, I'm cutting you off.
GRACE: No! No! No! This is not the cheesecake talking! This is know-how talking. And I know how to design for Harlin. That place is perfect for him. So come on, lawyer, tell me what Harlin said after I left.
WILL: He said you're fired.
GRACE: He said what?
WILL: He said you're fired.
GRACE: That's it?
WILL: That's Harlin. He's a man of few words.
GRACE: Not even a howdy?
WILL: No howdy.
GRACE: No. No. No. No. I'm not fired. I'm gonna call him.
WILL: You're not gonna call him, Grace. You're fired.
GRACE: See, I don't get fired, and I don't definitely don't get fired by you.
WILL: I didn't fire you. He fired you.
GRACE: Will, I am not fired.
WILL: Grace, you are so fired.
GRACE: Do not say that again. (DIALING PHONE) Oh, my god, I'm fired.
WILL: Yeah, you're... The "f" word. You still want to go and see Jack's show?
GRACE: You screwed this up for me.
WILL: What, what are you saying? It's my fault?
GRACE: Yes, of course it's your fault. You sat there, and you ridiculed every piece of furniture right in front of him.
WILL: Because every piece of furniture was a hollowed-out animal.
GRACE: Harlin said that?
WILL: Ye--no. I mean, he didn't verbalize that, but I think the expression on his face said everything.
GRACE: The expression on his face didn't say anything other than, "Hey, I'm Harlin's face." You made it impossible for him to say that he liked it.
WILL: Grace, don't you think that it's possible, maybe, that he didn't like it because you made some bad choices?
GRACE: No!
WILL: Can we talk about this later? We have to get ready for Jack's show, huh? Wear the blue sweater.
GRACE: We are so taking separate cabs.
SCENE VI: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk. JACK has a piano keyboard.)
JACK: (SIGHS) I don't know. Do I go with the Peter Allen Copacabana sleeve or do I go with the Julie Newmar basic black?
KAREN: Honey, come on. You're on in two hours. Let's see some show!
JACK: Ok. I'm starting with this.
(JACK begins playing a syrupy melody on the keyboard.)
KAREN: No, honey, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Ehhh! Coma. Ehhh!
JACK: I want to sing a ballad. I cry really good. I can do the single tear.
KAREN: Honey, listen to me. You're in a gay club with a nice ass. Start shakin' that moneymaker!
JACK: You're nasty, Miss Jackson.
KAREN: Oh, honey, you have no idea. All right, come on. Push that red button. My kid has one of these. Red is samba. You just push it. Push it, push it.
(A samba beat plays on the keyboard.)
JACK: Now what?
KAREN: Now let it in, honey. Come on, honey. Up, up, up. Come on, trust me. I'll show you a little something here. It's very simple. Keep your eye on the birdie. And shoulder, and shoulder. Easy does it. And then add the hips. Yeah. And swing it, and swing it. Saucy! Around the world, around the world, we like to travel.
JACK: I feel kinda dirty... In the good way.
KAREN: Yeah, that's taking shape, honey. Can I just-- here. Stick with me. And...here we go. Ohh! Oh, yeah. There you go. Around the world, around the world. One-way ticket. Paris, Brazil... Bangkok! Uh-huh! Yeah! You feel the difference?
JACK: Yeah.
KAREN: Yeah. What's going on, honey? What is this?
JACK: My tummy feels funny.
KAREN: Turn it off, honey. Turn it off. You were right, honey. Start with a ballad.
SCENE VII: The Cabaret Club
(WILL is at the bar as HARLIN enters.)
HARLIN: Will.
WILL: Harlin, what are you doing here?
HARLIN: Oh, I was in New York out walkin' around. I just thought... Is Karen here?
WILL: Yeah. She's here, and she's married.
HARLIN: Oh! Is she married like I'm married, or is she married married?
WILL: I think somewhere in the middle. Drink?
HARLIN: Uh, scotch.
WILL: Uh, listen, I wanted to ask you, you didn't fire Grace because I didn't like the way she did the apartment, did you?
HARLIN: Oh, of course not.
WILL: I didn't think so. But Grace...
JACK: (ENTERING FROM BACKSTAGE) Hi. I'm so glad you got in.
WILL: Jack, the place is empty.
JACK: Don't upset me before a performance!
HARLIN: (TO JACK) Thank you for the flyer. This my first time to come to a cabaret club--
JACK: Yeah, you know. Listen, I'm thrilled that you're here, but I'm in performance mode right now, so I can't really invest. I've really got to zero. Um, we'll talk backstage in my dressing room, ok?
WILL: You mean the bathroom?
JACK: That's funny. Thanks for the flowers and the telegram.
WILL: I didn't send--
JACK: Yeah, I know. (EXITS BACKSTAGE.)
WILL: (TO HARLIN) 'Cause you know that Grace, I mean, she didn't mean to offend you with the way she decorated the place.
HARLIN: Offend me? I thought it was great. I wished she could've finished the job.
WILL: Then why did you fire her?
HARLIN: Well, it wasn't because of the apartment. It was because of the tension between the two of you. See, I'm in the middle of my marriage breaking up, and I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up another... Whatever that is you two got goin'.
WILL: Wh-what are you sayin'? You fired her because--
HARLIN: Because of you, Will.
WILL: So what if I butt out?
HARLIN: Ha ha ha! What if I go gay? Come on, Will, you are who you are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the, uh...the backstage.
(HARLIN exits to backstage as KAREN enters from backstage.)
KAREN: (TO HARLIN) Howdy, partner. (TO WILL) Come on, honey, sit down. The show's starting. Sit, sit, sit. Ok, he's a little nervous, he's a little nervous-- oh, hell, I'm a little nervous.
JACK: (ENTERING FROM BACKSTAGE) Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Jack McFarland, but for tonight, I want you to think of me as... Just Jack. Hi, Grace!
(GRACE enters the club. JACK begins playing the piano: Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me")
GRACE: (TO WILL) Hi.
WILL: Hi.
GRACE: First of all, I still hate you, and you will be punished, but-- About the whole Harlin thing-- I was thinking on the way over here in the cab--
WILL: I think you should know--
GRACE: Maybe you should stop butting in for once, please?
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: I was thinking that... Maybe I was a little off the mark in my design concept, and I'm so sorry for getting so angry.
WILL: Gracie...
JACK: (SINGING) Hey, lady. You, lady, wishing at your life. [THE MICROPHONE BEGINS TO DROOP] You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife... [KAREN LIFTS UP THE MICROPHONE, HITTING JACK IN THE HEAD] Ohh!
WILL: (TO GRACE) Listen, Harlin is here.
GRACE: Oh, my God. I don't wanna talk to him. Well... What did he say?
WILL: He liked the apartment.
JACK: (SINGING) Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run. Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun. (STOPS SINGING) That actually happened to me.
WILL: Gracie, please, don't give me the squint. I admit that I have a problem. My name is Will T., and I am a butter-inner.
GRACE: I knew it.
WILL: Look, what can I say? You were right, I was wrong.
GRACE: You can say that.
WILL: I just did.
GRACE: Maybe again.
WILL: Well, you were ri--
GRACE: I think I need to hear it.
JACK: (SINGING) Hey, lady. (SHOUTING TO GRACE): Please, lady! (SINGING) 'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone in...
WILL: (STANDING UP AND SHOUTING) You were right! I was wrong!
JACK: (SHOUTING) Hey, hey! It's not the "Will and Grace" show! It's called "Just Jack"!
SCENE VIII: The Cabaret Club
(After the show. Everyone has left except WILL and GRACE.)
WILL: You really think this is necessary?
GRACE: It's the only way we're gonna come to some kind of understanding. Read it back.
WILL: "I, Will Truman, being the party of the first part, having caused grievous injury to the part of the second--" you know, I could help you put this in actual legal terminology.
GRACE: You just can't help yourself, can you?
WILL: You're pretending to be a lawyer.
GRACE: Well, you pretended to be a designer.
WILL: Point taken.
GRACE: Ok. Keep going. "The party of the first part shall heretofore never be a buttinsky."
WILL: Referring, of course, to the landmark case of Buttinsky vs. the city of Minneola.
GRACE: Keep writing, Mr. Insky.
WILL: Hold on, I need another napkin. Oh. Bartender's phone number.
GRACE: Sign here. Initial here. We're done.
WILL: You know, you realize this is not legally binding until it's been notarized.
GRACE: Case closed. (GRACE exits.)
JACK (ENTERING FROM BACKSTAGE): Oh, God, isn't this great? No fans, no record execs. Uhh! Just Jack.
WILL: Just get in the cab.
JACK: So what'd you think of the show?
WILL: Jack, you have a beautiful voice.
JACK: How about that dance sequence, huh?
WILL: Jack, you have a beautiful voice.
JACK: Did you get a look at that bartender?
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: I got his phone number.
(WILL crumbles the napkin with the phone number and throws it.)
